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dmndsr4eva
member
WWYD regarding vacation plans
dmndsr4eva
member
I attempted to get a signed agreement/parenting plan in place with my ex back in October. He nor his attorney never responded. Currently all we have in place is a temporary order giving him Weds. nights and EOW. We do not yet have a CO for child support but he is voluntarily giving me a small amount (about 25% of what he will be required to pay given our currnt pay and schedule).
I have plans to take my son to the beach and disneyland this month. We will be out of state for 5 days. Since we do not have a parenting plan in place my attorney advised me to just take the vacation and not to notify my ex. Since it is on my days. I can see his point because most likely if I tell him I am going he will get angry and do who knows what. And more to that end he does not ever tell me where and what he does with DS when he has him.
Though I am very torn about the issue. I don't want to upset things more than they already are. And I know if it were reversed I would be upset however pretty much everything he does upsets me. I want to tell him as a courtesy however I don't want him to go all ballistic and call the police or something.
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Re: WWYD regarding vacation plans
Would you want him to take the child out of state without notifying you? Because if you do it to him, you're giving him the green light.
He has no right to tell you no. But I think he has a right to know where his child is.
Actually I'm not giving him a green light because he only has Fri and Sat. nights so it would be extremely difficult for him to go out of state for two days. And we do have a court date in place and I expect to have a parenting plan put in place soon which will address notification of out of state travel. But because he refused to negotiate those issues since October my attorney views it as him basically saying he doesn't care.
Even still I am so torn about it.
What will your parenting plan say about out of state travel? Ours states we have to give 30 days written notice.
If your attorney has advised you to go ahead and go, that's what I would do. But I would also probably e-mail XH or send something in writing to him AND his attorney notifying them that you will be taking DS out of state, what dates, and contact info while you're gone.
Then, let him call the police. They aren't going to do anything. It's not kidnapping, it's not against the law. He doesn't have to like it. He just has to deal.
Both of the BMs I deal with can be difficult to deal with but this has never been an issue. It isn't addressed in the C/O but it is common sense. It is for the safety of the children if something happens (car crash, natural disaster, etc).
When either party is going over an hour away by vehicle we let the other know. It isn't asking for permission but for safety. If a car accident would kill DH and myself the kids would be in a hospital in another area and BM wouldn't know where to look. This goes both ways. BM#1 takes the kids to her families two hours away and she lets us know when she is leaving and coming back.
For flights we just email the flight date, time, and flight number.
I am only the SM but the thought of them being hours away and I have no idea where they are is super scary. I even give the SKs a copy of any work travel I make so the know I am not able to be there during that time.
I guess I need to question what you are nervous that he will do? yell at you? tell you you're a bad mom? call the police? (who will do nothing btw)
If my child were traveling out of state I would want to know. dates, times, flights, contact information etc. but I'm a bit of a control freak. you need to atleast give your Ex a heads up.
Forget Disney Land and go to therapy. It will benefit your child more than shaking hands with Mickey Mouse.
I am just afraid he will tell me I can't go I guess. I know it doesn't mean anything but I guess I was just trying to avoid more conflict. Oh well. I know he deserves to know so I will probably let him know the basic info. It's just that obviously my attorney is a lot more experienced in these matters than I am and if he advises me not to I don't want to do the wrong thing.
I might add that my ex has never even bothered to ask me where I live or what daycare our son goes to. Which most people view as a sign of not really caring what my son does when he is with me. I moved over an hour away from him and we meet in the middle.
Did BM tell your H anything about it? Did she seem upset when you came back?
The more I think about it there really is no reason for him to get upset. The reality is we aren't together and we will both have all sorts of varied experiences with DS separately. Yes, this is his first trip to Disney and the ocean. I can understand as a parent you worry about your child's safety but when you separate you give up being able to care for your child all the time.
Actually in some states it is kidnapping if you don't have the CO in place and you take the kid out of state without the other parent's knowledge. I know in my state it is and there was specific language about it in the papers we had to fill out to get the CO put into place.
Well obviously that isn't the case in my state or my attorney would have told me. And clearly it is not kidnapping as he will still be able to have his phone visitation via moblie phone and my DS will be back and dropped off with his Dad right on schedule.
Snark much?
All that aside, wouldn't you be pissed if your ex took your ds out of state without your knowledge? And used the excuse "well we don't have a CO and it was during my time?" I know I would be and I'd be damn sure strict provisions were put in the CO that restricted your further travel with ds -- and I'd use this little stunt of taking him out of state without my knowledge as fuel for that argument. When you are working out the details of the CO, why not just be a careful as possible so you don't give you ex any ammunition to get more things that he wants?
a) He might not always have just EOW. Maybe he'll have a week at Christmas. Are you okay with the possibility that he would take the child out of state without notifying you?
b) Even if you think he can't do it because of timing issues, you're still setting the precedent that it is acceptable behavior.
c) Are you saying that you want to take the child out of state without notifying him, and then put something in the CO that forbids it? That's not only bad behavior, but if he becomes aware of what you did, it gives him some leverage over you.
This. I would totally send an e-mail the night before you were leaving saying:
"Dear ExH and ExH's Attorney:
Due to your delay in discussing and signing off on our parenting plan, we have not been able to address the issue of vacations or out of state travel. My attorney has advised me that since there is no current parenting plan in place that I am within my rights to travel with DS. This e-mail is to inform you that tomorrow morning at X time I will be going to X location with DS. We will be spending X dates there and will return on X date. You can contact me at X number if you need to reach me or DS. This will not effect your parenting time as your parenting time is on X date, after we return. If you have any legal concerns regarding this, please contact my attorney at X number."