preschool drama help

rerasmom10 · April 2012

BG: My DD is 5 and is enrolled in Pre-K 5 days a week. There is a little boy in her class that she has problems with. Her and "J" antagonize each other every day. She will get in his face and make silly noises and faces, she follows him around, stuff that is annoying. His response has been to become violent. One time he kicked her in the throat, he has hit her, and pushed her down.

Fast forward to today. My DD was in class and was talking to another classmate and J came up to her and yelled in her face. She hit him. She got in trouble (time out with no activities). At play time, he would not let her get on the jungle gym and she called him a bad boy and said he was mean and he bit her in the hand. I get she is annoying him and that he is annoying her, but it really bothers me that his first reaction is to get physical. I know that my DD is at fault, but I am not sure what to do at this point. I am tempted to have her switch teachers. A little advice is needed.

livinitup · April 2012

Have you thought of a play-date to better increase their socialization together? Is the other parent approachable? Maybe just some better support around their interaction.

I wouldn't assume the other child's first reaction is to be physical. He may be using words or removing himself in ways you don't give him credit for, since you're seeing this from your DD's POV. (Not that I blame you.)

What are the teachers doing? Are either child having this much trouble with anyone else? Why does your DD continue to seek him out, if he's hurting her? Why does she say she seeks him?

rerasmom10 · April 2012

We have tried a play date and he growled at her the whole time. His mom just says "Boys will be boys, it's his way of telling her that he likes her." The thing is that the teachers know that they are annoying each other. They try to keep them apart but on the playground they run all over the place. The only reason that I say that his first reaction is to be physical is because, I volunteer some times and when he is faced with any difficult situation he hits or pushes first and then goes and tells someone. I have had several conversations with my DD about why and her response is "I dont know." She is punished at home as well, so not sure why she cant just leave him alone. The teachers give them time out when they mis behave and they say they try to keep them apart but it there is an incident at least once a week. I am tempted to switch her class, but they all have the same playtime and don't know if it would do any good.

speckledfrog · April 2012

rerasmom10:
The teachers give them time out when they mis behave and they say they try to keep them apart but it there is an incident at least once a week. I am tempted to switch her class, but they all have the same playtime and don't know if it would do any good.

This is a great example of why time outs in preschool aren't always the best idea. They should try having the children practice the behavior they want them to see. If he hits he needs to come back over and practice using his words. If she is getting up in his face she needs to practice talking in a "friendship" way. It's unlikely that the behaviors will change if they aren't actively working on the appropriate behaviors.

MallardDucky · April 2012

I am really not saying this to be mean, or hatefully, or what have you, but to me that little boy sounds like he has had enough and fighting back. How would you feel if you have someone always in your face? You would reach your breaking point and lash out.

At this point your better option is have a meeting with the teacher, students, and parents and figure out the best solution.

ETA: I am not implying the little boy should hit nor would I allow it in my house.

septemberdreams · April 2012

I've had similar issues with my DS pushing kids in his class. But after witnessing other children constantly in his face, grabbing him and him telling them to leave him alone and seeing him walk away from them, I can understand his response. He's also on the small side. I talked to the teachers about teaching the other children about "personal space" and not touching others. You need to teach your DD appropriate behavior and it needs to be reinforced at school.

Pesky · April 2012

Can you model with your DD other behaviors? Do some role-playing and given his past behavior, I would encourage her to involve the teacher sooner before something happened. I would also talk to her about playing with other boys and girls and NOT with J. If the issues continued to happen, I would ask that they be separated into 2 classrooms.

rerasmom10 · April 2012

Thank you for all of your suggestions. Beliveve me, I dont think that this situation is one sided at all. I can understand that they both are at fault. I've had conversations with the teacher and she is determined to keep both of them in her class. I also role played with my DD and told her pretty much to just stay away from J. Let's hope that he just stays away from her.

rerasmom10 · April 2012

My DD does not have any issues with anyone in her class or other classes with any other children besides J. As far as I know J has issues that he is working on with a specialist. So, while I understand that she is antagonizing just him and no one else and his behavior is with almost EVERY child, I dont feel that my DD in any way has poor social skills or developmental issues, but thanks for the insight. I am pretty sure that we would have more issues if she did.

Littlejen22 · April 2012

My first thought us from how I read this your DD hit first today. But it sounds from this that they do not have enought supervision if it is this bad. I would switch her class or her school.

ETA: she DOES have poor social skills or she would have learned that getting in his face resulted in being hit and would leave him alone, that does not necessarily mean she needs special services for it. Is this a private school? If you are paying and want her moved then make them do it.

rerasmom10 · April 2012

Also, the teacher has informed me and my H that most of the situations start when he does something first. I am hoping that she understands that the best actions for her are to walk away and not engage with him, but again she's 5.

AZ123 · April 2012

In this situation, the only control you have is over your own DD. If it were my child, I'd tell DD to ignore and walk away from him and every time she engages him, she's going to lose a weekend priviledge (or toy or whatever is important to her). I like the idea of role playing at home to "practice" how to ignore this boy and keep her space. If he comes and sits down next to her, she needs to get up and move away and switch seats. If he comes up and hits her, she needs to walk away and go tell the teacher. If you're daughter is smart, which it sounds like she is because she knows how to bring it on with this boy, then she'll get it very quickly. She'll learn too, how to control herself.

By the way, I don't agree with the mother's statement about being boys (that being a boy mum myself). She's trying to give an excuse for bad behavior.

jsugrin · April 2012

It doesn't sound at all to me that his first reaction is to get physical, it sounds like your daughter has been purposefully being rude and mean to him for a long time and he's fed up. My bet is he's tried walking away, telling the teacher ect and now he's fed up with her crap. I don't blame him. You need to focus much more on changing the behavior of your child, which is really the only thing you have true control over here, instead of setting expectations of how another child should respond to your brat.

I would develop a behavior modification plan for her that can be done at home and school, then call a meeting with the school and get everyone on the same page. You need to be actively teaching her appropriate social interactions, modeling them, setting up rewards for positive social behavior and consequences for negative behavior (even if that is long talks with her about how said boy bit her because she was doing XYZ. how would she feel if someone was treating her the way she treating the boy ect). Unless you feel like the teacher she currently has is incapable of working with you to turn this behavior around I wouldn't switch. The only thing that accomplishes is turning her into someone else's problem.

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