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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
J+K
Phantomgirl
member
I'm not going to jump and the bandwagon and tell you to leave your DH at this point, not because I think you should stay, BUT because I fail to see what has changed in the last few posts / weeks.
Firstly I never believed your SS was not involved in criminal activity or with drugs so your post did not come as a shock to me.
Secondly it was only a matter of time before SD reappeared - so again no shock there.
I do want you to consider one thing though, when SS leaves and you say no to SD do not be fooled that you and DH will get 'back to normal'. You have to realise that chaos and drama are your DH 'normal'.
Things may quieten down and you will be lured into a false sense of security UNTIL your DH invites the drama that he thrives in back into your lives. He will continue to do this, not because he does not care, but because he does not know any other way.
I cannot force the point any more that your DH needs, possibly years, of INDIVIDUAL therapy to help him get his life on track.
Until he sees the light through professional help, the only problem in his life will be in interfering wife. Eventually you will both resent each other, in fact it is starting already.
Your DH is not on the same path as you in life. He knows chaos and drama so well that a nice quite life would have him heading for the door.
Three things can happen to you guys...
1. Your DH can drag you into the drama and you will become accustomed to it.
2. You will refuse to get dragged down and leave.
3. He will get help and you guys can come to a compromise and be happy.
There is NO WAY you can love him out of this, it just doesn't happen in real life.
For years you have accepted no.1.
Give therapy a chance but do not continue to get dragged in to the drama, it will eventually destroy you and your DD.
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Re: J+K
lol I just read your update!
I truly hope your DH is as determined as you and not just sick of it until the next time.
Well I want to try my diagnosis:
I think your H love to be needed. BM needed him. SS needed him. SD needed him. His friends needed him.
His wife is a grown woman that can take care of their child just fine if she needs too.
It seems like he always brings these people in to feel needed and like he fixed something. He should be glad he married a strong woman that can handle her own.
I wish you the best!
It's easier to attempt to fix other people so that he doesn't have to look at himself.
I have to say how weird, and nice it is to see this loving supportive side of Karma come out in J+K's posts, lol. Seriously, everytime I see solid advice from Karma to J I do an double take.
This. I've always thought her advice was sound. I just didn't feel the snark was necessary back then.
Karma is an absolute sweetheart with one of the biggest hearts I have seen on these boards. But that does not mean she will sugar coat reality for anyone.
ETA:
J+K, you realize he has said absolutely nothing new, right? This is just the same cycle of drama repeating itself again. Words from your husband, especially on this subject, mean precisely nothing. If HE is not willing to commit to a course of individual and/or joint therapy to address how he keeps tilting at the same windmill over and over again at the expense of the wife and child who love him, why bother waiting for the cycle to come full circle again?
sprky - I'm not about to create a debate on another bumpie. I've been here long enough to say what I said.
Okay back to j+k.
Sprky you hav not been around long enough to comment. And my comment was specifically about Karma to J not a general comment. And believe me when I say Karma knows what I mean.
I know Karma far better than you think I do. I'm not exclusively on this board, and neither is she.
You missed the point completely, I am only referring to the history between Karma and J+K not about how she is on any other board or towards any other Bumpie.
I really don't think my advice is any different than it ever has been to J. It just seems that since other people are starting to tell her what I told her 5 years ago it doesn't seem as harsh now as it did back then.
But thanks for what may or may not have been compliments.
Lol, it was a compliment. And, no, you really used to be harsher. It was mostly aimed at J+K but all of us Moms with older troubled SKs but you have mellowed, lol.
Coming from the one who took the heat now and back then, I'll be flat out honest and say that the advice at it's core was the same. I never said Karma gave bad advice. I said she was horrible at giving it. Meaning, she didn't do well on her delivery and it came out condescending and bitchy. Then. Not now. She was coming off to me as one of the bumpies/nesters to me who liked to be incredibly snarky for sport. And we all know they are on here, more so on other boards than this one thankfully.
There is a little bite to it now, but it's not in a bad way. It's direct and concise and I think it's respectful.
I've told Karma this publically and privately. This should be nothing new to her. I told her a couple years ago that I actually thought she gave good advice, if only she would not be such a b*tch about it, maybe I or others would listen and it would actually do some good rather than stir up unnecessary crap that did not help the individual she was snarking on. At least that's my interpretation as I remember it. It's what I meant anyway.
So yes, I will say thank you to Karma. Obviously I'm a very forgiving person and want to see the good in people, or I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in. Despite my arguments with Karma, and others who were less tactful then and now, I still try to look past the tone and try to hear what they say.
I thank EVERYONE here for your input. I haven't been able to go to counseling for well over a year, so this has gotten me thru five very long years and helped me sort things out in my head. I appreciate everyone's input and I hope that I have been able to help some of you as well.
Thank you socloudy - and I agree 100%. In fact, this has been brought up to me before by my personal counselor and it's something I am going to specifically bring up again with DH and see if he can see it himself and work on that.
DH also tries to be a good person and give because no one gave to him. IT's one of the reasons why I love him. He has a big, soft heart and he is kind. What he fails to realize however is that by just giving to people, he is a target for those that may take advantage of him and he doesn't see them taking advantage of him as being used as I do. I get furious. That's my protection mechanism. He just gets very disappointed and says he'll try not to fall for it next time. But he fails because his need to feel wanted and be someone's hero is stronger.
oh, I SO get this theory. I get it. But I can't change it. Only he can. So all I can do is point it out, hope he sees it, changes it if it's important to him and he sees it's a good thing for him and us - not because I demand it - but because he wants to change.
And if he doesn't, I need to get up the balls to say, I can't live like this or with any of your other behaviors that are destructive to our relationship and leave.