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Success after IF
friend asked me not to invite her to my shower (long vent)
Had a bad phone call this morning and I knew only you ladies would understanding...
I had a friend/colleague who I spent a bit of time with outside of work at different social events and over for dinner every now and then. Her husband played in a band so we'd go see them play, etc. As I was beginning to go through fertility treatment her and her husband started trying. When she first started she would call me constantly to ask questions about ovulation, when to test, etc. They got pregnant the 2nd try, about the same time my husband and I moved on to medicated cycles. From the get go she sent ultrasounds, audio files of the heart beat, etc. I was admittedly in a bad place, but would shoot her a text saying "baby looks great" or something to that sort. I could do texts, but all gooey mushy talk about babies in person was not within my emotional capacity at that point, plus she had lots of other pregnant friends and co-workers to have those convos with. Because I couldn't talk with her or the others about it and was running to doctor appts etc my lunch break with them go cut to 3 or less days a week... much more bearable for me. We kind of drifted apart as she stopped going to happy hours and parties and I continued. Even though it killed me I planned her shower at work. Because I couldn't discuss things with her I made a point of creating a very thoughtful shower gift of a clothes line of different things for the 1st year. It was a combo of holiday things, handmade blankets, etc.
She called me today to let me know that she wants not further contact with me, wants me to stop inviting her to parties and that I better not invite her to my shower because she no longer wants to be friends with me. She said that I wasn't happy enough for her during her pregnancy and that I should have "sucked up all of your not getting pregnant drama" and showed her that I cared. She even referred to the text that my husband sent hers when he said that it was very hard for us to hang out with them sometimes because we didn't feel emotionally strong enough to do constant baby talk, but that when we felt strong we'd have them over for dinner or something. She mentioned I looked uncomfortable at her shower... darn right I was, my ovaries were the size of apples and my butt was sore from shots and I couldn't look at one more onesie so I sipped my wine plastered a smile on my face.
Now that I am pregnant and we all have our happy endings I was making a point of inviting her to things and asking her about her daughter, apparently as she said I "shouldn't have bothered".
This all upsets me and while I know she doesn't want to be my friend and I'm willing to cut my losses, I have to see her and deal with her on a daily basis, our classrooms are 2 doors apart. How do I do that? Do I still smile and say hello because we are adults? Can I not eat lunch with the group anymore? I don't want others to think I'm being rude to her... I don't want to look like the bad guy, I didn't ask for this.
Keep growing preemie ballerina!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: friend asked me not to invite her to my shower (long vent)
What a horrible person that girl is. Jeez. It's one thing to feel that way before you know someone is having trouble TTC, but after you know ya go easy on them. She's a selfish insensitive person. I would definitely cut my losses and be happy about it.
As for school, I'd continue to eat with everyone else. If they start treating you differently I'd talk to one of them, whoever you feel comfortable with the most, and explain the situation. Anyone with a heart would side with you...anyone who doesn't really doesn't deserve your friendship.
I'm sorry this is happening at work...that makes it even harder. I'd just try to go about my business as a professional adult and hope she does the same. I would still be kind to her even...make her look like the bad guy. ;-)
If what you are describing is what went down - then she is a vile biitch.
Yes, continue to be polite and say hello. Why make YOUR work situation unpleasant? Eat lunch with the group. Act normal. If anyone asks what's up - privately tell them the truth. Treat her politely, be civil, don't make others uncomfortable - but other than that - I'd have no additional contact with her besides the casual contact at work. She is an absolute assshole.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
Holy crap. Thats crazy I have no words. I have never in my life met an adult woman that flat out said - I don't want to be friends and be SO insensitive about your IF that they hold a grude WOW just WOW. I wouldn't stop eating with the group. I would keep acting normal and being nice bc honestly you can't win with her so why make it worse, people will see how crazy she is if you act nice and shes being a ***. I just wouldn't bring it up again, be nice to her and keep your friends at work....that lady is off her rocker
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
I am so sorry. Honestly it sounds like she wasn't a good friend anyway if she's acting like this. I'd just be civil and smile/say hello but leave it at that. That certainly is disappointing.
My younger sister had my niece in the midst of my DH and I having failed IVFs and miscarriages. It was hard. Fortunately, she lives several states away so I didn't have to see her during her pg much. But she is apparently still very bitter and angry that I chose to distance myself from her during her pg. I have apologized to her that I made her upset but explained that I was in a dark place at the time. I did what I had to do. She doesn't get it. And I've finally decided that it's her issue, not mine.
Good luck with whatever happens.
Ditto this -- all of it. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I had the same thing happen with my sister as Imanurse03. After we had our successful IVF, she sent me a very harsh email about how upset she was that I wasn't more supportive and happy for her during her pregnancy (she told me she was pregnant the same day we got news of a failed IUI. And it was my DH's birthday).
IF is hard on relationships/friendships, for sure. But you did what you needed to do to make it through. Hang in there!
WTF is "happy enough"? She's a selfish twat. Be glad she doesn't want to be friends.
I agree w/ the others - dont' change what you do at work for her. She has a problem w/ you, then let HER not go to lunch...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm so sorry, I agree with the others, she sounds like a horrible person. No true friend would say something so cold. I would stay nice/civil when you have to be around her but other than that, act like she doesn't exist. Definitely don't stop eating lunch with everyone--she is the one with the problem.
We had a friend say something similar to us while we were still trying and getting lapped repeatedly--We told them that after the losses, we just couldn't be there for them in that moment--we were grieving, just needed time. They called us selfish and all sorts of awful things. Told me I needed to "get over the m/c's bc it's not the end of the world", things like that. They are no longer in our lives.
IF really tends to bring out the true friends (and family) that really love you and want to be there for you. One of my best friends lapped us, 3 times, during our TTC/adoption wait. 3 times. She cried when she told us about the third, and said she was sorry, she knew how it would hurt us. I couldn't even say congrats. I was stone silent, said nothing. I am very ashamed of it now. My amazing friend, full of grace, never got mad or held it against me. That 3rd baby girl she had....she is our God Daughter. We love their girls so, so much. How awful I treated her b/c I was jealous, hurt and bitter...but yet she gave us the gift of that baby being our God Daughter.
While no one can ever understand unless they have been there, the people who really love you don't even try--they are just there, hurting with you.