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Blended Families
fellesferie
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Counseling?
fellesferie
member
DS just got back from spring break w/ XH and XH's family. Sunday was Easter and with all the egg hunting, easter baskets, and play time, he was okay. But by Sunday night, he was weepy, and it took everything I had to get him to school this morning.
He's been carrying around a picture of XH. Crying about how much he misses him. Asking me questions I can't answer--like "why doesn't he live here with me? why doesn't he want to be with me? they just moved into a new place; why didn't they move here?" I've told him that XH works in CA, and so that's where he has to live. But that's a pretty BS answer and DS knows it.
So DH and I have started saying "We can't answer that for you. That's a question you'll have to ask him." But that feels like a cop out.
I'm debating making DS an appointment with a counselor of some sort.
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Re: Counseling?
how old is he?
I don't think saying "We can't answer that for you. That's a question you'll have to ask him." is a cop out at all
I always support people talking to someone (outside of the situation) when they are having a tough time so I don't think their would be anything wrong with it.
I would also keep directing him to XH. They are his questions to answer. As you said you are kind of giving him generic answers and he isn't buying it. It is time for XH to answer for some of these things.
I have these same issues with my kiddos. Their father moved to TN right after we separated, and over the last 7 years has had another child, got remarried and moved into a new home. Each change has been difficult on the kids, who are now almost 13 and 9. My son (13) has been seeing a counselor for about 5 years. My daughter will be starting counseling this week. My XH has all the info for the counselor and has been invited to contact her anytime. My son has benefited a great deal from the counseling.
The questions are really hard to answer. I think the answer of "I don't know, you'll have to ask your dad" is genuinely the best and most neutral answer you can give. You aren't the one who moved away, so how can you really be expected to explain your XH's actions? Let XH deal with the tough questions, because quite frankly the questions are his to answer.
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A few sessions with a counselor never hurts. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out process.
You can tell him that you can't answer the tough questions but he is looking for you to give him some kind of answers. You are his safe person/place and if you show him that you are uncertain it might stress him out more. Mom's have all the answers in a child's mind.
Counseling is always a good idea. It gives the kids a safe place to talk where they don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings.
And I know it feels like a cop out to say he'll have to ask his dad. But my SDs counselor and I just had a conversation about this. She told me I have to quit making excuses for SD's BM. Because eventually SD will come to see that sugar coating for what it is (complete BS) and it could damage my relationship with her. So I am trying to focus on SD and me, and leave BM out of it. But I totally see where you are coming from. It's hard!
This is almost verbatim what my son's counselor said about me trying to sugar coat issues with his father. As she put it, "There's a difference between bad-mouthing and being honest".
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It's just that he's hurting. So, while "you have to ask him" is an answer, it doesn't make him feel any better.
He called XH last night, and said "why don't you live near me?" and I couldn't hear what XH said. But 2 seconds later, DS said "my easter was good." So he clearly just redirected him.
And really, what is XH going to say that's going to help? The truth is that he moved to CA to be with the girl he cheated with. They're still together, and she doesn't like kids.
We tell him that we love him, and that we're here for him every day. We tell him that XH loves him and sees him as frequently as possible. But at the end of the day, none of it answers his questions or makes him feel any better.
The weepiness and questions have happened over the last maybe 3 visits. It always goes away within 3-4 days. But I don't know if it really goes away, or if it just gets backburnered.
And at the end of the day, I feel like it's my job to heal/help/fix this.
That's why I said what I did in my first post. He is looking to you for the answers and since you are the one he sees every day and is there to hug him at night you need to give him some answers.
I also see nothing wrong with some sugar coating so that you aren't damaging his self esteem/self worth just because his Dad has made some poor parenting choices. You should be honest with him in a way that it can make sense to him while not casting his Dad in a totally bad light since he's at an age where he isn't able to truly understand that this isn't a reflection on him as a son.
ETA: It really comes down to making excuses for the Dad vs. your son hurting. I would pick my son every time. This is coming from a Mom and a therapist. Hugs to you for having to deal with such a sad situation.
Thanks, Karma. DH stayed up until almost midnight with me last night, basically just letting me be sad about it.
I'm sorry that so many of us are in this place with our kids.
My ds is almost 6 and when he asks the harder questions about why his dad doesn't live with us anymore, I tell him that while we both love him very much, we weren't good at being married (I leave out the part where his dad is a cheating liar and his gf is the person he left our "family home" for). I tell him that his dad and I are a lot better at being friends when we don't live together, and we want to be friends so we can both do things that are important to ds like attend his baseball games and school functions. So I am telling him facts that leave out the bad mouthing of his dad. And those types of answers seem to make him feel better.
He sometimes has a tough time after his dad's weekend, but I remind him that he will see dad again in x days, and that usually is enough.
But I will say that we are both very active in ds' life because we live about a mile from each other and both still take ds out to dinner -- just the three of us -- every Monday night to show him that we are still both there for him even if we aren't married anymore.
I think going to a counselor might be a good idea for your ds.
We've thought about it, but I'm just not sure what good it might do. When DS called XH last night, he was teary (and you could tell he was upset). But XH just changed the subject and then ended the call a few minutes later.
XH did call him back tonight, and they talked for 10 minutes or so.
But I don't think XH knows what to say/do. He's not an emotional person, and I don't think he has any answers for DS that will help.
But I might try anyway.
thanks karlee
Sounds like a good move. I think it's great for kids to have a neutral third party to talk to about their feelings.
You're right there is. But when the answer is ugly ("Your dad doesn't live here because he doesn't want to.") you have the option of sugar coating or being accused of tearing down the other parent. Neither is a good choice. Why not let Dad explain for himself?
It doesn't sound like the Dad will give the child the answers that will help him heal.
Instead of saying, "Your dad doesn't live here because he doesn't want to." why not say, "Your dad doesn't live here because he wanted a house of his own."? I've said that to ds before. His dad explained it the same way. DS didn't take it personally and it seemed logical to him, so that short answer meant the question was finished.