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Blended Families
danac2010
member
SD's words and actions are hurting DH
danac2010
member
Been a long time since I posted so a little back story. BM and DH share 50/50 custody of SD7. SD is actually at our house more during the week than BM because of the way BM's work schedule has been lately.
For the past 4-5 months every time we pick up SD from school or BM's she informs us in a matter of fact tone "Mommy said I only have to stay at your house X# of days". DH asks her why she says this and if she doesn't like being at daddy's house. She says she loves being at daddy's house and has lots of fun but every day is the same thing. Even if we have her a few days in a row she will ask "how many more days do I stay with you" or "who's day is it".
In her daily binder for school BM we have to write whether SD is going to daycare (our days since we both work) or if BM is picking her up. Well BM writes in it for the whole week. So on Monday the whole week is written so SD knows who is picking her up from school. When I pick her up on say a Wednesday and her binder shows that BM picks her up Thursday SD informs me that she is going to mommy's that night and she doesn't have to listen to us anymore.
We know BM doesn't have rules or a bedtime at her house so I'm sure it is more "fun" than our house with rules and a schedule and a set bedtime. It kills DH every time she says things like that. What can we do? I'm 99% sure its BM feeding that stuff to SD but she ask all the time even when she hasn't been at BM's in a few days.
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Re: SD's words and actions are hurting DH
SD used to do this. we only have her EOWE and every morning when she would wake up she would say "am I going back to mommys house today" finally I told her she goes when we say she goes and I don't want the interrogation. its a little harsh, I'll admit but she got over it pretty quickly. Pretty sure it was BM feeding it to her anyway. Now everynight when DH calls her she asks "how many days until I come to your house?" Theres so much back and forth between kids try to not to let this aspect of it upset you, just smile and nod and go about your business (which is what I SHOULD have done) She already has it written in her planner, so she knows whats happening, she's trying to get a rise out of you.
As far as her saying she doesn't have to do what you say thats a WHOLE other ballgame, you and DH are the parents in your house, you make the rules and the children follow them. if she breaks a rule or disobeys she is punished. period. Doesn't matter what happens at BM's house, what happens at daddys house is different.
You need to shrink your sig pic significantly.
Your DH needs to not let a little girl hurt his feelings. Your house offers rules, structure, and routine. Of course if she isn't getting that at her Mom's house it's going to be more fun there. You can't change what happens when she isn't in your home. Embrace the differences and tell her how lucky she is that she has so many people that love her.
She's probably not trying to hurt her dad's feelings. But kids in blended situations can tend to feel very unsettled. She's probably just trying to process things and have them in order in her own mind. Especially if her schedule changes a little bit depending on BMs work schedule.
Try to help her understand the routine. But if she keeps randomly bringing it up it is okay to just redirect her. It is okay to say, "You go back to your mom's after school Thursday. But tonight we are going to do x and tomorrow we have y planned. Let's go do homework now..."
This. And also it sounds like she misses Mom, I would miss my Mom if I did not see her for days too, it does not mean she does not want to see you guys. He needs to realize she is more hurt by splitting time than he is.
This. And also it sounds like she misses Mom, I would miss my Mom if I did not see her for days too, it does not mean she does not want to see you guys. He needs to realize she is more hurt by splitting time than he is.
^^ I agree. We have different rules than BM for sure! (This was something I witnessed first-hand when I picked SD up a couple months ago). When SD first came to our house, I told her not to do something. She just cocked her head, looked at me, and kept on doing it. Oooooooh no. I said to her: "this is our house, and you have to follow our rules. If you don't, there are consequences". For the most part, she listens, though every now and then she pushes just to see if she can get away with stuff. She also tries to wrap DH around her finger, but we're pretty much on the same page when it comes to rules/etc. It does bother me a lot when she'll ask me something and I say no, and then go ask my DH... Though, I see that teaching all the time, so I know it's a "kid" thing.
My Ss used to cry for BM at bedtime. I felt so bad for him. He truly missed her when he was with us. He talked about her constantly.
BM told me around that time that he cried for DH at her house.
Then I felt double bad for my poor little SS. In an ideal world they would have both their parents.
I cant imagine being that small and having to split homes.
I recommend a double dose of compassion for your little SD and she will eventually grow out of it.
My DS does this every time I pick him up. "How many days till I go back to daddy's?" And when he is with his dad, "How many days till I go back to mommy's?" Or he'll tell me as soon as I pick him up, "I get to be with you for 7 days!!!!" I really don't understand why YH is getting hurt, the child is just trying to feel like she knows her own schedule and most likely does the same exact thing at her mom's. She probably also tells her mom things about how great her dad's place is when she gets in trouble. I think this is being blown WAY out of proportion and you are grasping at straws trying to throw in a few bashes on BM who doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong at all.
I think for children in BF situation they already have a lot of instability, what with two homes, school and daycare. That's potentially 4 different sets of rules. I've noticed that my SDs really need to know what is going on and when. When they know what the plan is, they feel more secure and if you think about it, most adults do too. I would chalk up her statements as an affirmation that your SD knows what the plan is.
As for "I don't have to because I'm going to Moms". I would nip that in the bud. Your house, your rules and until SD gets to BMs she will be following your rules.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!