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Blended Families
How do I help my SD?
My DS is now about 7 weeks old and my SD is not adjusting very well to how things are now. My DH and BM have SD who is 4, almost 5, 50/50 everything. They have her equal days and nights.
Since bringing DS home, he has had a few hospital stays and surgery, so SD had to stay with BM more. Well now things are back to normal and she is with us 50/50 again. I watch her a few days during the work week as well as her grandparents on both sides. (They used to watch her full time until I came into the picture and still wish to watch her.)
Anyway, SD is having some behavioral problems. She doesn't listen any more and she is starting to use DH and BM against each other. For example, she will tell the other that she misses the other parent and start crying whenever she is told to do something she doesn't like...like eating her vegitables, going to bed, etc. She is also very aggresive towards my DS. She will try and pull his arms and legs, push on his stomach and head, and when we were in the car she was poking his eyes and trying to open his mouth with her fingers. DH and I have explained that she needs to be careful with DS because he is a baby and all that...but she still tries to do things like that. Whenever she is home I feel like I cannot trust her alone with DS if I go to the bathroom really quickly or even have them in the car together.
SD has also been trying to get more attention from her parents in all the wrong ways. For example at church (we all go to the same church) she got a small cut on her head from running around and not listening and once she was patched up she was fine until she saw DH holding DS and she starting screaming and crying saying her head hurt. She also has a cold (as do we all right now) and whenever she is alone in her room she will cough occasionally...but once DH or me go to check on her she starts a coughing fit. You can tell she is forcing the cough. At school she did this in front of the teachers to the point where they said she couldn't breathe and almost puked and Dh had to go get her.
What are we supposed to do? We try and get her involved with DS and we make sure to give her attention and DH even started setting time aside for just him and her to play together before bed time. But what else can we do? Is this a stage that will pass? It's getting to the point where she comes to our room several times a night saying she has bad dreams.
Should we try counceling? Although I doubt BM or DH would be very keen on the idea.
Anyone have experience or ideas?
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Re: How do I help my SD?
You and your DH need to give her TONS of praise and attention. When my younger son was born my twins went into a tailspin. They were 2 years old and 10 months when he was born. You're going to have to give her constant reassurance. This is very stressful for her right now. Tell her you love her and that she's going to be the best big sister. Ask her if she would like to "help" you with doing things for the baby. When she does help you - praise, praise and praise her.
DD regressed in potty training which was splendid (note the sarcasm). My DS bonked him on the head once with his teddy bear - you really have to monitor SD and never let her be alone with the baby.
After the baby was 4 weeks my DD asks me "Mommy when is he going back?". I told her in the sweetest voice "Honey, he's going to stay with us". She then smirked and said "oh" and avoided him the rest of the day.
Good luck - it will take time but it will be worth it.
This really sounds pretty normal for the situation. She got a new brother who then required a lot of attention cutting into her time with her Dad which she probably took as a sign that Dad loves him more (she's just 4 after all).
I imagine if you are all consistent that as things settle into the new normal it'll pass. Correct her when she does something that could hurt the baby, continue her special time with Dad, and you should try to make time to do things one on one also if you aren't already since it sounds like the two of you spend a lot of time together.
It hasn't even been 2 months and there's been even more disruption then normal for a new baby. Hang in the and it should get better.
at 4 years old she generally knows the difference between right and wrong. When she is deliberately disobeying you, she needs to be reprimanded. yes she is looking for attention, but she needs to be put in time out. Is it possible that BM is babying her a bit more knowing she isn't getting as much attention at your house because of the new baby?
The coughing/ temper tantrums need to be ignored, or addressed with one line "theres no reason for you to be doing xyz right now, there is nothing wrong, please stop" and then ignore ignore ignore. She will escalate since she isn't getting the attention she wants, but eventually it will calm down.
When DS was about 3 months old SD went through a phase of "rebellion" (she was 3.5 at the time) She deliberately disobeyed me constantly. One day sticks in my head specifically. We were out on the deck, I had DS laying on a blanket on the ground and I was sitting right next to him. I had pulled a sun chair over next to him to keep the sun directly from his eyes. SD said she wanted to sit in the chair. I said no because it was too close to the baby and she could sit in the other one farther away. Well what does she do? climb right up into the chair that I told her not to climb into and within seconds the whole thing falls (with her on it) on top of my DS. fortunately I was close enough to throw myself between the chair and DS, and DH rushed over and took the chair off of me, but if I hadn't been there? I shudder to think of what could have happened to my baby. The only reason I'm even telling you this is because I'm pretty sure this incident is what made me start having huge issues with SD. We got along great before DS, now, our relationship is VERY strained. As a mother, there is in instinct within us that automatically builds up an intolerance to anyone that might hurt their child. I hope that you can get this situation figured out with your SD ASAP so this doesn't happen to you. Hopefully you can figure out a way to put space between them in the car, and do not leave the baby unnattended with SD until she has figured out her boundaries.
Pretty normal jealousy I'd say, but that doesn't make it any less scary for you, I know.
I wouldn't leave them alone together. If you have to go to the bathroom I'd tuck DS in his crib for a minute. I'd move their carseats apart. At 4, she has a limited capacity for understanding action/reaction. All she knows is she doesn't really like this kid much.
If it's not going well trying to keep her involved I'd focus on giving each of them individual attention for awhile. Don't force it.
But as much as it seems like you should, because this is a rough transition, don't give in to her manipulations. Stay firm on the rules. Be consistent with consequences for not listening. Etc...
She will snap out of it.
Have you tried talking to her about her feelings?
Perhaps asking her if she is feeling upset because you and DH give the baby a lot of attention and she is missing you both? Then you could validate those feelings by telling her they are very normal, but acting out is still unacceptable. Maybe ask her if she can think of some better ways to deal with how she is feeling, like asking for a hug when she feels like she is missing your attention. You could also involve her more with the baby care. Ask her if she would like to help you change a diaper, give baby a bath, pick out baby's clothing for the day. Doing these things has really helped the relationship between my SDs and DS .