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October 2012 Moms
No grandparents immediately after birth; how to tell them?
I'm such a chicken. I'm trying to work up the courage to communicate this to my mom and haven't gotten there yet. The worst part is, I'm pretty sure she has already assumed she would come down as soon as I give birth, although she hasn't verbalized that to me yet.
I'm not worried about DH's parents; they'll respect whatever we decide, but my mom and I don't always get along so I'm pretty sure she'll take this personally. (HUGE back story involving a blow up when my nephew was born that I won't bore you with, but she has a history of being a drama queen when grand kids are involved)
I only have 12-14 weeks to figure out this whole newborn thing and then I have to go back to work. I want the first couple of days after leaving the hospital to be at home with just DH to begin to start a routine as best we can.
ARG. I'm such a weenie. Why can't I just tell her that? The anxiety is killing me.
Anyone have this discussion with parents yet? or plan to?
ETA: everyone is 6+ hours away, so any visitors will be staying with us. No quick 1 hour visits happening here unfortunately or this wouldn't be such a big deal.
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Re: No grandparents immediately after birth; how to tell them?
You dont want anyone to see the baby even when you come home? Im a little confused, do you just mean at the hospital?
If you mean the first couple days at home, they can come to the hospital after the baby is born and meet him or her and then maybe plan something where they can come over the weekend after you get home?
With DD, all of our local family was waiting in the waiting room when DD was born. Because I delivered so late at night they really didn't get to visit much before they all headed home. I didn't get nearly as many visitors as I thought I would. My dad was the only one who would drop in on us after we were home but he eventually got better. Of course I was induced so everyone knew when I was in the hospital.
This time, since I am planning a home birth and also have a toddler to think about, I won't be telling anyone when I am in labor (except for those I need/want there for me while I give birth). I want DD to have time with the new baby before visitors begin.
Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up until the end and only if you have to talk about it. I'm all for not telling people you're in labor. Call when you're ready for visitors. They might be upset but if there's a chance they won't respect your wishes I think it's worth the risk.
Currently going through our second deployment. Can't wait for Zoe to meet her daddy!
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I am in the exact same boat with my side of the family. They are 6 hours away and my mom already said she's "coming the end of October" (that's when the baby is due), and she would be staying with us. I thought more about this and felt the same way you do - I want a little bit of time to get adjusted.
I thought my mom was going to be really upset with me. But this weekend at Easter I just told her I would like a week for us to get adjusted, and we have no problem with her coming to stay after that. She questioned me for a moment, but I just explained myself further and now she understands and is fine with it. And this is the woman that wanted to kill me for moving so far away because she wouldn't get to see her grandchildren often (even though there were no grandchildren or husband to speak of at that time).
I thought she was going to get really upset about it, but she was absolutely fine. Maybe if you just explain the situation to your mom. Tell her it's not that you don't want her there, you just want to get adjusted first, then it would be great if she came to visit.
Good luck!
When will you want her to come visit? I do think it's unreasonable to expect her to not want to visit at all.
Is your husband going to be home with you for a week or two at first? could you phrase it as though it would be more helpful if she was able to come and help after your husband had to go back to work?
You need to be upfront but gentle with her. Have a plan ready. Don't just say "I don't want you here when the baby comes" but instead say "Husband and I were thinking that it would really nice to have you visit at ____ time. I could really use the extra help with a newborn then."
Why do they have to stay with you? My mom will be staying with us but I already told DH that anyone else who wants to be here when the baby is born will need to get a hotel because I can't deal with our house being invaded. It has absolutely nothing to do with his family, but I already know that I will want alone time with just visits here and there.
I guess my thought would be to tell them that they have to get a hotel and then set specific visiting times. I read this article and thought it was great to 1. have your husband handle visitors and telling people when to leave and 2. having a to-do list for those family members who just want to help. Heck - I don't plan on cooking for a while after I get home so it will be nice to have family there who want to help. And I also plan on whoring out my child during the day to family so I can take naps if need be.
Check out the article: https://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2012/4/10/visitors-after-the-baby-10-tips.html
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All our grandparents were within 15 minutes of the hospital. DD ended up being breech and we had a scheduled c-section. I made it clear I didn't want anyone waiting around at the hospital during the surgery because we wanted the first 1-2 hours after the birth to just be the three of us. Surgery ended up being late and family sat around for about an hour, but we were given some time just the three of us still.
Your family should respect your wishes. If not, your nurse will be your best friend. They can easily say "no visitors yet" and blame it on the doctor or something else; the nurses are there to protect you (and your sanity).
As for the homecoming, I would have gone crazy if we had anyone stay with us. My husband took 3 weeks off and we were able to enjoy/learn how to be parents without outside influence. We could call if we needed help and family dropped off dinners a few times a week. But they respected our need to figure things out on our own. It takes time. It probably took me 2 months before everything clicked and became significantly easier. You're lucky to have so much time off (I had about 15 weeks then Christmas break) and you'll definitely adjust and get the hang of it.
Is there any way family can stay at a hotel near by? I guess if you have the space at your home, there are advantages to having family right there to help, but set boundaries ahead of time. I hope everything works out for you.
My in-laws live a few hours away and came to stay with us when DD came home for a couple of days. I have to say, they were a huge life saver! They catered to our every need so all I had to worry about was cuddling my beautiful baby.
Although our situation was probably very different. DD was born early so she spent the first two months in the NICU and when she came home, it was just about ten weeks later. I had already fully recovered from my c-section.
I still wouldn't have asked them not to come. We have been closer ever since.
It's not unreasonable to just come out and say you want a few days. It's also totaly reasonable to tell them to stay in a hotel, I couldnt' imagine having house guests in the first few weeks having DS home (luckily our familes live really close).
I can totally understand how you feel. I had an unplanned c/s and our families were waiting at the hospital, and within an hour of getting settled in our room they were houding DH to come in and see him (first grandkid both sides). Before actually having him I thought this would be fine, but I felt so tired and so sick from the c/s meds that I just wasn't up to it, but they badgered DH and he just said "ok" before even asking me (or he did and I was so out of it I don't remember saying ok) and I felt awful. I hand't really had the chance to hold him for more than a few minutes or cuddle him before grandparents and aunts and uncles did and I'm still a little bitter about it. This time we will be telling them not to come to the hospital until we call. DH had no idea at the time how upset it made me, once he found out he said "no one in the room until I get an ok from you at least 5 times."
Getting a hotel room is not going to happen with my parents. Their finances are way too tight for them to get a hotel for a week (or even 2 or 3 days) especially after covering gas/tolls round trip.
DH's parents could swing it, but again, I'm not worried about them.
There have been some good suggestions here. Thank you.
We're kinda in the same situation our parents live 20 mins apart but the both live about a 5hr drive from us. Only 3Hrs on the train. my MIL is super busy she has 3 under 13. And won't make the trip up mostly until our baby blessing at about 5-6 weeks. They don't like the city. My dad will be itching to come up.
But my mom worries me, she had a serious stoke a few years ago, and hasn't been the same since. I would never let my kids go in the car with her. I just question her judgement. I don't think she will have the mental capacity to care for a baby. Plus she would be zero help with cleaning cooking or laundry.
DH and I like doing stuff on our own and don't want share our LO with everyone at first. Plus we also don't have room to share our apartment with anyone.
With our 1st child we told everyone in the beginning it would be just DH and myself @ the hospital during delivery. No other family was allowed at the hospital until we called them.My IL live 2.5 hours away. My Mom was pissed to say the least. She nagged me about it everytime I saw her. (which was about everyday) Baby was born at 3 am so we waited to call family until about 6am and told them I was being moved 1st and wanted to take a shower and eat, for them to plan on coming after lunch. Giving us time to bond the 3 of us and not be rushed. It was perfect! Dh would announce to everyone when it was time to feed and literally kick them out of the room. I was so proud of him for that.
We were having the same plan for baby #2, only this time we needed my parents to watch DS, so she wasn't as offended. Only baby came at 1 am so they had to get up in the middle of the night . We still told everyone to wait until after lunch to visit and they respected that.
We plan on doing the same with #3 only again my parents will have to take care of #1 & #2.
*My BIL and SIL had a baby 3 weeks after we had our 2nd and they didn't call anyone until they were ready to have visitors. She had been in the hospital for 2 days and nobody knew. The baby was about 12 hours old when they called. Family lives about 2 hours away and they called right before bedtime so everyone waited until the next day to visit. Family was pretty upset that they had not at least said they had the baby, but they had a whole day and and night with the baby before anyone came.
My advise is decide exactly what you want and then let the people around you know. Be proud of your decision and stand by it. Try to remember that they love you and your new little one and hopefully they will respect your choice.
In the end, my Mom told me she liked the way we did it and now understands why. When they came to see baby we were all clean, fed and happy. Ready to show off our new baby. Good luck!
I didn't read all the replies so forgive me if I am redundant. You have a couple options here.
1. Just tell her. You will probably hurt her feelings, so make sure this is important enough to you.
2. Let her come but set rules. I.e., you aren't staying here. Visits will be an hour at a time, etc.
3. Let her come and stay with you. Is this your first? My mother stayed with us the first week and I would have loved for her to stay another. And this was with an easy delivery and a fairly easy newborn. Unless your mother is completely useless, you don't know how helpful those extra set of hands can be. To have someone to hold my daughter for 15 minutes so I could eat/shower/pee alone. Not to mention my mom worried about trivial things for us, like cooking and grocery shopping. My last point too is, I don't know how long you are planning to be on maternity leave or if you are a SAHM, but I was home over 5 months and those first few weeks can be lonely. I don't live far from my parents (about 30-40 minutes), but after a while there weren't people coming over every day. I would try to enjoy the company while it was there.
I would wait for her to come to you about these plans. When she does, just say confidently and matter of factly, "It would be so great for you to spend time with us and the baby. We want some bonding time and a couple days to get settled, so can I plan on you being there for us a couple days after we get home from the hospital?"
If you come to her with this first, it will hurt her more. If you make a big deal out of it, she will get comparably upset. The best thing is to act like what you're proposing is logical and makes the best sense for everyone and to present it in a way that makes it seems like you appreciate her and want her there. (Which I'm sure you do.)
I have to deal with this sort of thing with my mother all the time, so I've become an expert. LOL
Good luck!
This is a really good point. Thank you!
Would you be okay with them staying at your house while you're in the hospital and visiting while you're in the hospital? I found it easier to have visitors in the hospital because people were less likely to over stay their welcome. Plus we didn't have a whole lot going on while we were in the hospital.
To be honest, I can see why you would think you wouldn't want people there, but I really think you might change your mind. I really wanted to share DS with everyone and was excited to see friends and family. There were times (when I got home from the hospital) that I just wanted people to leave, but mostly I was glad to show off my little boy.
Edited to fix quoting issue.
There have been a lot of great suggestions from the other ladies. And I would definitely wait until she brings it up. And don't make a big deal out of it.
And just from my point of view - you may have a total change of heart after delivery. Those first few days at home are a real whirlwind. You may want your parents there to help. I had some major baby blues after DS was born and had awful anxiety - all I wanted was my mom. Thankfully she only lives 5 minutes down the road.
GL!! And don't stress - it'll all work out
We didn't really talk with my parents (well, my mom because my dad is pretty indifferent about timing) or ILs before DS was born about what was acceptable. We just didn't call anyone until DS was born.
My parents live 3 hours away, and it was late afternoon, so my mom (my dad had to work) came up the next day and visited in the hospital and stayed at our house. It was pretty nice because she cleaned up and got us groceries. My ILs and H's brother came the day after we got home from the hospital and it was way too much. My mom wanted to leave, but she was the only helpful one there so I didn't let her!
Some people just don't call their parents or ILs until they are ready that second for them to come over. Seeing as your family is 6+ hours away, I don't think this will work for you.
My in laws will be about 2 hours away when we move. My mom will be less than 30 minutes. I'm not sure what I'll do, just because this is the first grandchild on both sides so I don't know if the grandparents will want to come right away and not respect our wishes (if so, I don't think I would call them until maybe the day after the baby is born). If they will respect our wishes, and wait a while so baby and my husband and I can have bonding time, I think I'd call them right after the baby is born......
I plan to ask my mom and DH's parents what they expect or want, and then tell them how it will go, and possibly compromise if it's not the same thing.
I agree with a PP. Why can't your family get hotels? Also, you just have to put your foot down but nicely.
DH and I are in the same situation. We are in Texas, my mom is in Seattle and the rest of our parents are in Vermont. Both of us agreed that we didn't want any family right after the birth. We were just blunt with our parents and told them no visitors for at least 2-3 weeks. I knew my parents would completely respect that, but I was nervous about my in-laws. That's why we had to be so specific, otherwise they'd show up before we even head to the hospital!
My advice is to just be specific and honest. Hopefully your mom can respect that, but if she doesn't it's her loss, not yours.
Wow....are you sure our FILs aren't the same guy???
I just had this conversation with my Mom last night. It didn't go well and ended with accusations that I hate her. According to her EVERY single woman that she knows had their mother stay with them after they gave birth.
We are in a few unique situations surrounding this and don't feel that I am being out of line in my request for her to come a week after we have settled in. One, the baby is due the same day my husband starts Graduate School. Two, we are having the baby here but his school is a 6 hour drive away. Three, we don't have a clue at this point what kind of housing we will be in nor will we have time to settle into our house prior to the arrival of our little girl. Four, my husband and her do not get along and the idea of them under the same roof without my supervision makes me nervous and will just have me stressed out. And finally, my husband and I want to have the time alone to settle into our new home and into our new life as parents. I'm sure we will make mistakes and I'm sure it will be incredibly challenging, but it is something we have discussed and both feel strongly about. The problem isn't necessarily my Mom, it is more that we don't want ANYONE at least for the first week.
I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm not off to a great start! Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Good luck to the rest of you!