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Adoption
Worried DH isn't bonding
I haven't posted in a while, I mostly lurk now. We got our son in Nov and are still waiting to finalize.
I feel totally bonded and in love, and basically did from the start. Lately, I feel like DH isn't. It's hard to explain, He doesn't spend alot of alone time with DS. Even when I'm at school, and he's watching him he usually takes him over to his sister's. And when I try to get him to do things alone with DS, like give him a bath or play with him he isn't really interested. What really got me concerned is, we've been talking about baby #2, and he's said that he "wants one of his own". This really bothered me, and I told him and he said he does feel like DS is his, but he still really wants a bio kid. I don't understand this need at all because I don't feel like that, and would actually prefer to adopt again. There's been other things, but I can't think of them right now. It's really just more of a feeling I have. Wondering if anyone else experienced this? Any advice? I may be overreacting. I just want him to love DS as much as I do. And maybe he does and just doesn't show it the same way? Maybe it'll just take time. Now I'm rambling.
Thanks for any help ladies! And please don't judge DH too harshly
After 2years TTC and 1yr,2mo waiting for an adoption match, our blessing is here!
"You may not have my eyes or smile, but from that very first moment you had my heart"
Surprise BFP made our family complete!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Worried DH isn't bonding
This! We have had many conversations about how to go about adding a 2nd baby to our family. I really have no interest in going through IVF again, but would love to experience pregnancy if we got a surprise BFP. MH really wants to try 1 more IVF cycle since the one we cancelled is already paid for and we already have the meds.
b2b Injectable IUI #1 7/25/10 & 7/26/10 = BFP beta 14dpIUI = 133 MC 9/14 at 9 weeks
b2b Injectable IUI #2 12/5/10 & 12/6/10 = BFN
IVF #1 ER 3/28/11 ET 3 embryos 3/31/11= BFN
b2b Injectable IUI#3 6/28/11 & 6/29/11 = BFN
PAIF/SAIF Welcome
Submitted Adoption Application on 6/1/2011
Homestudy 7/19/2011
IVF#2 CX due to Adoption Match
We were blessed with our daughter through the gift of adoption
IVF #2.1 ET 2 embryos 2/14/13 7 frosties
Thanks ladies! I'm glad to hear that atleast part of it is somewhat normal. He has said that he can't wait until DS is older and can do fun things.
I did talk to him about wanting a bio child. And I think its mostly about missing seeing himself in DS. We have lots of friends with kids, and there kids are like litlle mini-me's of their parents, and he said he wants that. Course I told him that just because we have a bio kid that doesn't mean they're going to look like him. But I think it's other things too, like saying "he gets that from me". (does that make sense?). And I can see where he's coming from, I had those thoughts while we were going through the adoption process, but worked those out and don't worry about it at all now. But I guess he's just not there yet, hopefully in time he'll be able to grieve that lost.
Thanks for listening!
As your son grows, your husband will see so much of himself in him. So much of our behaviors and characteristics are learned, right down to how we hold our heads and smile to how we talk, walk, act, phrase things, think about things, etc.
M has only been with us for a little less than two years, and I can't tell you how many of our characteristics I see in him. Some are just similarities between us and him, but many are things he picked up from us. As your son grows and you recognize things like this in him, your husband will likely forget all about looking for other similarities in appearance. I used to marvel when adoptive parents said they forgot their children are adopted and think, "Gee, (s)he must get that from me/my side of the family."
While I doubt I'll ever forget that my sons are adopted, I totally have had moments where I've thought, "Well, of course! All the Seriouses are like that! No wonder M does x/y/z! (or has that characteristic)" And then I remember...oh wait...!
What I'm trying to say is that your husband may start to see himself in your son in time, and when he does and can interact with him more, they are likely to grow closer than you ever imagined.
My DH has said this from time to time, about missing that genetic connection that we have with our parents, but we have seen people who've adopted and honestly, we forget too! I think once your DS is old enough to "copy" some of your DH's traits, he will!
Our bio son looks nothing like either of us (minus being white) and I see myself in my daughter as much as my son... And people always comment in how THEY look alike!! Bc they make MY facial expressions
I hope this fades as your son gets older. My concern Would be if he had a bio child he could "see himself in", that your son will feel slighted or less loved.
I often pray if we ever have a surprise bfp that we don't have a bio daughter....I would fear my dd Would always feel second bc bio dd would look like me...whereas we started our family with a bio son so adding another one might not be as hard on future adopted sons, Kwim?
I know this isn't exactly the same- but I had the same fears with my dad. He never really wanted to hold/interact with DD as a newborn/young infant.
Around 6 months old when DD was more stable (body/head/neck control) and a bit more "independent" (sitting, playing, etc) my dad made a total flip. Turns out he was so afraid of breaking/hurting/handling her. From that point on he's is all about DD and they are the best of friends with the most amazing bond.
My point, like PP have said, I think for men it just comes later.
In regards to resembling characteristics- as he gets older you'll hear it much more. DD happens to look VERY similar to DH. Quite frankly she may look more like him then any bio children we may have. But we both get told how much of each of us people see in her because of her learned behaviors/characteristics.
That's all just physical stuff though. The really important thing is the good, learned behaviors. How much more pride will your DH have telling people "he gets his generosity from my wife" or "he likes helping me at the animal shelter, he's very kind to the animals", rather than, "look, he has my eyebrows"? My hubby and I point to all our flaws, and say our kid would probably have had my crooked nose, or his lack of physical grace, or his mother's diabetes, or my asthma, or my dad's sleep apnea.
I hope he bonds once your DS is a little older and more interactive, like the PP have said, though. I can understand how his lack of attachment would be a huge concern, especially if you do eventually have a biological child.
Hugs to you... and don't stress about it
We discussed this is a parenting class when DD1 was younger. The teacher says that men tend to not spend the same type of time w/babies that moms do.... but their relationships evolve differently. Give it time... there's not one way to bond... and men may choose a different looking route.