Is it worth it?

Krisx2 · April 2012

Long spring break for us. We had a talk with SD about the mediation and CPS issues and resolved a lot of things from our end.

This new issue came up in the conversations and DH and I are unsure what to do. DH pays a large amount of CS and has had no late/missed payments for 2 years straight. SD's needs should be well taken care of. We know BM is very materialistic and makes poor financial decisions and her husband of nearly 4 years seems of the same mindset. However, her monetary decisions were really none of our business since we knew that SD was clothed, fed, housed. Whenever SD mentioned that BM was too "poor" to afford things like vacations despite buying SD a mini vespa and electric scooter, we kept our comments neutral and never let her know our opinions.

SD mentioned over spring break that she often goes hungry at lunch. She is 9 and is moderately active (3 hours of dance 2-3 times per week, pilates/yoga with BM 1-2 times per week, and seasonal sports teams). She is tall for her age and has a lot of "growing pains" in her legs and knees. She eats like a horse, but is a very skinny kid. SD told us that she packs her own lunch and is only allowed 3 items (sandwich, yogurt, fruit cup) because they are "too poor" to afford more food. She has asked BM to buy more or allow more food in her lunch because she is still hungry, but was denied. She doesn't get a snack after school and eats a filling dinner at about 7 after dance is over. She said sometimes she gets "dizzy" during dance, but that her friend often shares her snacks when SD is too hungry. Sometimes she forgets to pack a lunch and gets NOTHING until dinner.

SD asked if he could help. She doesn't like being hungry after lunch. DH spoke with the department of health who said that unless SD was visibly starving or being denied meals that they could not intervene. Should DH make an attempt to speak with BM about the issue? I would hate for him not to keep his word to SD about helping her and I hate to see his earned money not effectively supporting SD's needs...but I also know that another battle with BM is not in anyone's best interests and might go nowhere. I know some of you have dealt with similar issues. Any advice on whether or not to intervene? How to approach the subject?

Ginlyn0 · April 2012

You could contact the school and put some money on her lunch account for her to buy additional items at lunch.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

I agree with PP about putting money on the school lunch account, but at the same time you don't want to go 'behind BM's back' and do it.

DH needs to address it with BM. Not accusing her of starving the child but ask simple questions, such as asking how his child support money is being used, is SD asking for anything, that BM cannot afford etc. I don't think he should be spending more money, clearly BM has money management issues which is very sad.

Also, if your DH has joint legal custody he can contact SD's doctor to see if he thinks there is anything to worry about.

dmndsr4eva · April 2012

Don't they have snack machines in schools these days? Maybe it's not the most nutrious choice but she could get some chips or something. Her mom can't afford to give her a couple of dollars a day? Wow. That is just sad. Not sure what the solution is. Unfortunately if he talks to BM and nothing changes he may have to start giving her a couple of dollars a day to get her through the day.

Krisx2 · April 2012

wendilea:
You may be getting a skewed version of the truth. BM may be supplying lunch, and it may be items SD doesn't want to eat. Just one possibility.
As PP mentioned, you could put money in her lunch account. Many schools will not allow them to get a hot lunch if they have also brought lunch from home, however. BM may be trying to teach responsibility by having her pack her own lunch. Most schools will provide an "oops" lunch of at least a roll/bread and milk even if the lunch accounts are maxed out and the student forgets lunch again and/or doesn't have any money (our school will let them charge $15 worth of lunches before it gets to that point). So it's unlikely she's getting absolutely NOTHING at lunch, even if she forgets to pack hers.

This was my initial thought. SD is not a kid who lies, but with all the issues going on lately we have caught her in a few "half truths". She was able to recite exactly what she was allowed to pack in her lunch and DH questioned whether it was just an issue of being picky (she's not picky at all when with us, like I said she eats like a horse). Without being able to look in BM's pantry, there would be no way to prove that SD is telling the truth about having nothing available.

SD denied eating a school lunch on the days she forgot to pack (she's not dumb either, I'm sure she shared with friends or found something to eat, nothing was probably an exaggeration). Her lunch account online shows no activity, but that's not saying much. I'll have to get in touch with the school and see what programs they have available.

Rhenna · April 2012

wendilea:

You may be getting a skewed version of the truth. BM may be supplying lunch, and it may be items SD doesn't want to eat. Just one possibility.

Your DH could bring it up. Phrasing it so it's not accusatory is going to take finesse, so maybe he could write it out first. Something along the lines of "SD is very active and I know that she's burning a lot of calories in dance, etc. She mentioned getting dizzy in dance class, and that has me concerned. Has she mentioned this to you?"

As PP mentioned, you could put money in her lunch account. Many schools will not allow them to get a hot lunch if they have also brought lunch from home, however. BM may be trying to teach responsibility by having her pack her own lunch. Most schools will provide an "oops" lunch of at least a roll/bread and milk even if the lunch accounts are maxed out and the student forgets lunch again and/or doesn't have any money (our school will let them charge $15 worth of lunches before it gets to that point). So it's unlikely she's getting absolutely NOTHING at lunch, even if she forgets to pack hers.

DHS will not do anything in this situation, as she is being fed, albeit not what you would feed her/not in the amounts you think she needs. When we called because SD2 said they had nothing in the house but Ramen, we were told she was eating something, and was getting a meal at school each day, so she was not starving. It sucks.

This was my initial reaction as well. I think you may be jumping the gun in assuming that your SD isn't being fed properly. I know my DS will say he is hungry after lunch some days because he refuses to eat the healthy food that I pack for him and just wants what he wants. If he went to his dad it would probably sound how your SD is retelling it for you but he certainly isn't starving. I definitely think YH needs to just talk to BM and mention that SD says she gets dizzy later in the day and ask BM if she thinks maybe SD needs to bring an afternoon snack or a larger lunch. Don't be accusatory because that will just make her angry. I don't see this as a CS issue at all either so I think that point needs to be removed from the situation and how you think/handle it.

Jessys_Girl · April 2012

dmndsr4eva:
Don't they have snack machines in schools these days? Maybe it's not the most nutrious choice but she could get some chips or something. Her mom can't afford to give her a couple of dollars a day? Wow. That is just sad. Not sure what the solution is. Unfortunately if he talks to BM and nothing changes he may have to start giving her a couple of dollars a day to get her through the day.

$2 per day is $10 per week, which is $40 per month. I for one can tell you that I don't have $40 per month to shell out on vending machine food. It's not fair to degrade someone who doesn't.

Now, if she's not feeding her kid, that's different, but to judge someone for not giving VENDING MACHINE Money is awful.

Jessys_Girl · April 2012

dmndsr4eva:
Don't they have snack machines in schools these days? Maybe it's not the most nutrious choice but she could get some chips or something. Her mom can't afford to give her a couple of dollars a day? Wow. That is just sad. Not sure what the solution is. Unfortunately if he talks to BM and nothing changes he may have to start giving her a couple of dollars a day to get her through the day.

$2 per day is $10 per week, which is $40 per month. I for one can tell you that I don't have $40 per month to shell out on vending machine food. It's not fair to degrade someone who doesn't.

Now, if she's not feeding her kid, that's different, but to judge someone for not giving VENDING MACHINE Money is awful.

Tasheystar · April 2012

We no longer have vending machines in most of our schools due to healthy eating legislation. I don't know what it's like where OP lives though.

Krisx2 · April 2012

Tasheystar:
We no longer have vending machines in most of our schools due to healthy eating legislation. I don't know what it's like where OP lives though.

I honestly don't know either. DH and I live in a different state than SD does. So it's not as easy as handing her a couple dollars to buy more food if she is still hungry.

DH will send BM a non accusatory email about SD mentioning being hungry and leave the $ part out. I agree with whomever said that making financial inquiries is likely to be counterproductive. He is also going to call the school and see what options they have for financing extra food days if SD is just having a growth spurt and wants more than what she packed.

Thanks for all the advice. Trying to make the co-parent thing work.

Want a personalized experience?

Is it worth it?

Re: Is it worth it?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards