Questions for moms of older kids

Mouseygail · April 2012

So, I feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb, waiting for the terrible twos to hit. I have a few questions though, for those of you who have BTDT.

Did your child change much? For example, if they were a helper/pleaser when they were younger, did that change when they hit challenging stages? If they were pretty even tempered, did they suddenly get super moody? If they were a good listener, did they stop?

When did big temper tantrums start?

What sorts of things were the most challenging for you?

What surprised you the most?

When did you have to start instituting some sort of discipline?

Is it really as bad as everyone makes it out to be? Tongue Tied

Thanks!!

efooey · April 2012

My dd was a very mellow kid and didn't change too much. Just very curious and pushing boundaries. I see it as 2s are about exploring and not really knowing they are being naughty, still too young to be devious on purpose. Tantrums are from frustration, L never really had any big huge ones. When she did have the odd meltdown we just ignored it and it stopped and never escalated. We did do the occasional time out in her room or bed if it was serious.

The 3s however, totally different story, no need to scare you now though...

Check out the love and logic books. Love them

Mouseygail · April 2012

efooey:
My dd was a very mellow kid and didn't change too much. Just very curious and pushing boundaries. I see it as 2s are about exploring and not really knowing they are being naughty, still too young to be devious on purpose. Tantrums are from frustration, L never really had any big huge ones. When she did have the odd meltdown we just ignored it and it stopped and never escalated. We did do the occasional time out in her room or bed if it was serious.
The 3s however, totally different story, no need to scare you now though...
Check out the love and logic books. Love them

this made me laugh...ugh!

Thanks for the book rec! I've seen people talking about them, might be time to finally give them a read!

LVBlvd · April 2012

See, I thought 2s were fine. More about pushing limits, but not knowing that she was doing something "bad."

As we rapidly approach 3, things are different now. She outright misbehaves just to see what we will do. She is very demanding, won't do anything she doesn't want to go. Has developed extremely selective hearing, where I felt she was a great listener during her early toder months.

We started time outs at 2. Still do them, and they are fairly effective. She quickly apologizes when sent to time out, and momentarily stops the behavior she was punished for.

So in short, I think 2s are more innocent boundary pushing, and 3s are blatant.misbehaving. Good times.

Mouseygail · April 2012

LVBlvd:
See, I thought 2s were fine. More about pushing limits, but not knowing that she was doing something "bad."
As we rapidly approach 3, things are different now. She outright misbehaves just to see what we will do. She is very demanding, won't do anything she doesn't want to go. Has developed extremely selective hearing, where I felt she was a great listener during her early toder months.
We started time outs at 2. Still do them, and they are fairly effective. She quickly apologizes when sent to time out, and momentarily stops the behavior she was punished for.
So in short, I think 2s are more innocent boundary pushing, and 3s are blatant.misbehaving. Good times.

ok, this is what i've been seeing so far, which doesn't bother me...its going to be the blatant misbehaving that drives me nuts. good description/differentiation. (and the pic of your boys aggro-hugging never fails to make me giggle. so cute!!)

emmyloustu · April 2012

Eliza's personality has pretty much stayed the same - she is easy going, happy, with an independent, shy & stubborn streak.

She started with some wicked, totally uncharacterisitic, wild tantrums right around her 2nd birthday. They would pop up out of nowhere over totally random things like I ate a bite off her plate or one of her 10 bedtime animals didn't have a chance to turn off the light...

It was hard not to laugh because it was so wild and unlike her. We would try to comfort her or sometimes just make sure she was safe and then ignore her.

Her big tantrums seemed to coincide with 2 yr molars, a stretch of sickness & vocabulary explosion. Things have settled down in those areas & so have the tantrums.

Our biggest challenge right now at 28 months is her not listening, screeching, being rough with Lydia & pushing our buttons.

I started 2min timeouts with a timer set when she started being too rough with Lydia or us - hitting, kicking, biting are automatic timeouts. With listening or lack there of, I will ask her once and then say something like, "you have until I count to 3 to start walking upstairs. If I get to three, I will have to carry you."

It's tough stuff. I don't enjoy this aspect of parenting and always question myself & my tactics. I really don't want to be a yeller or a "no, no, no" mom, but it's hard. I find myself raising my voice and saying, "stop this, don't do that, no, whatever" all the time lately

emiannie · April 2012

Mouseygail:
Did your child change much? For example, if they were a helper/pleaser when they were younger, did that change when they hit challenging stages? If they were pretty even tempered, did they suddenly get super moody? If they were a good listener, did they stop? Miles didn't have "terrible twos" he's had "temperamental twos and threes". He has remained my good listener and good helper. He's always aimed to please. That never "changed", but some days were better than others.

When did big temper tantrums start? I don't remember exactly. They didn't happen ALL the time...so I never noted an actual start time.

What sorts of things were the most challenging for you? He is stubborn as hell. So holding out longer than him has been a big challenge for me. He will cry and whine and ask for something over and over and over and over again for a good 45 minutes to an hour...and I have to ignore him. That is the hardest part for me.

What surprised you the most? How quickly he can go from happy to 8 shades of pissed...for seemingly no reason. (Think teenage PMS only less reasonable.)

When did you have to start instituting some sort of discipline? We started discipline at 2...with timeout. I think it was at that point that he really understood what timeout was for and how it worked...so it started helping us accomplish our goal. We also took away toys for punishment.

Is it really as bad as everyone makes it out to be? Some days are, some aren't...either way it passes fairly quickly...in my experience. Hopefully your experience will be like mine. haha!

Thanks!!

krissyh21 · April 2012

I am still in the mist of everything, but Dillon is a helper and continues to be that way. The issues are with things he can't do. Super melt down ensues when you tell him no - cue meltdown, flopping on the floor and freak out now.I very rarely say no when he wants to help, but sorry dude you can not help me take out the potato from the oven.

He is in the I need to do it myself phase now too. So, help us all if he can not walk through a parking lot without holding my hand... freak out. I give him a choice and that kind of pacifies the tantrum. He has a choice of being carried or holding my hand.

It was kind of gradual how it all happened. He would have mini meltdowns starting about 18 months old, but now I know a day will not go by without one. I can kind of anticipate the things that are going to set him off and try to come up with some sort of strategy to avoid them. For instance coming home from the store - I pack a lighter bag with 1-2 items so he can carry one all by himself.

I started time outs around 18 months old. I continue with them and give him a warning to stop, count to 3 and if he doesn't he goes to time out for 2 minutes. They don't always work, some day are worse than others and he spends quite a bit of time in time out, but I remain consistent with it and on good days, he actually stops by the time I get to 3. Stick out tongue

Is it as bad as people say - yeah, but it isn't 24-7 bad. There are some days where I want to cry though. Today is a good day (so far).

He isn't as laid back as he used to be, but I see glimpses of laid-backness in him and hopefully by 4 he will come back LOL

emmyloustu · April 2012

I will add, we are starting to see some of the blatant misbehavior LVB mentioned. In fact, her teacher had to put her in timeout at school last week for being naughty & not listening. She said Eliza was "sowing her wild oats" lol!

SeaSoul · April 2012

LVBlvd:
So in short, I think 2s are more innocent boundary pushing, and 3s are blatant.misbehaving. Good times.

This is true for us too. What I thought was a HUGE deal at age 2 ain't nuthin' now. I laugh at what I got worked up about back then. 3 takes it to a whole new level.

Sorry, I don't have time to get into specifics. I will say, though, that you'll find your way through. One thing that has been helpful for me is to try to remember NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY. When they are blatantly misbehaving, ignoring, or even lashing out physically, it doesn't feel good. At all. But if you keep in mind that they are just exploring their world, figuring out boundaries, testing us, and just...well, being 3, it won't affect you QUITE as much.

I found this article helpful:

https://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2010/02/11/toddler-ten-commandments/

howleyshell · April 2012

LVBlvd:
So in short, I think 2s are more innocent boundary pushing, and 3s are blatant.misbehaving. Good times.

Ditto this.

I think all kids do "2" as a developmental process and that's why it's talked about. I think personality comes in to play more with "3's" and how bad they are. Our experiences with 2 were similar with both boys but 3 and 4 have both been VERY different with one being much more of a button pusher where the other still had some tantrums (tired/hungry, etc) but was much more logical and much more a people pleaser.

Not sure this will help but my really hard to soothe baby turned into my easier toddler/kid. My happy as pie easy baby still is my MUCH harder toddler/kid.

I don't really think there's any way to predict - you just have to hold on to your hat and do the best you can.

My #1 piece of advice for all of this behavior stuff would be to stay consistent. Read all you can on parenting, take the bits and pieces that resonate with you and then stay strong.

At home it's easier but it's the tantrums in public where you are SO tempted to do what ever you have to in order to avoid a scene and yet those are the times when you really do need to walk away from your totally full shopping cart and carry your kicking and screaming toddler out to the car for a time out or even to go all the way home. THAT's the hard part of the game.

You don't want people to think poorly of you as a parent or of your tantruming child so I'll tell you now: Do what you know you need to do and realize that the majority of the stares that you're getting are people like me who are thinking to themselves: "Dear Lord I remember that stage. It sucks and it's hard. She's 100% doing the right thing by removing him. I hope she's got wine at home for later on tonight once the little one's in bed."

It's daunting now but you will find what works for both of you to navigate the tough stuff.

And... it gets SO much better as they get older. I find that "this too shall pass" is pretty much THE parenting mantra.

beebe929 · April 2012

LVBlvd:

See, I thought 2s were fine. More about pushing limits, but not knowing that she was doing something "bad."

As we rapidly approach 3, things are different now. She outright misbehaves just to see what we will do. She is very demanding, won't do anything she doesn't want to go. Has developed extremely selective hearing, where I felt she was a great listener during her early toder months.

We started time outs at 2. Still do them, and they are fairly effective. She quickly apologizes when sent to time out, and momentarily stops the behavior she was punished for.

So in short, I think 2s are more innocent boundary pushing, and 3s are blatant.misbehaving. Good times.

this gets worse as the 3s go on!

I agree that 3 was worse. But my other one is fast approaching 2 and she is so much more stubborn than her sister. So we are trying time outs now just to do something. It is hard to ignore her behaviors and punish her sister and have it be ok! So we have to do something.

Radler · April 2012

We are still waiting for the terrible twos at almost 29 months. W has never had a temper tantrum. The closest I've seen is once when he was 18 months he didn't want his diaper changed for some reason and busted out into inconsolable crying for about a minute. But other than that, I haven't seen anything even close to a temper tantrum. My mom and DH's mom insist that neither of us went through the terrible twos, so I am harboring hope that it is somehow genetic (!) and W will not go through a difficult phase either (frantically knocking on wood). I know we are not out of the woods at 2.5 yet, though.

What 2 has meant for us is: more assertions of independence (wanting to do things himself, which is cool with me), and maybe a bit more whining here and there when he doesn't get his way. We do timeouts for hitting the cats or throwing toys and I can't say it's really working. He doesn't seem to really mean any harm by either, it's just an abundance of energy sometimes. So I think we may try something else. But those are seriously the only two "behavior problems" we've seen. Pretty minor.

I write this all just to say age 2 doesn't have to be that bad. From what I saw when I met you guys, you seem to have a pretty easygoing little guy, too!

naflmj · April 2012

Graeme's overall personality and demeanor have remained the same...he is still sweet little guy with lot's of spunk but definitely pushes boundaries. I don't think he does it to make you angry, just part of exploration.

His tantrums started before 2 but really aren't all that frequent. They typically come up if he doesn't get his way or if we can't understand him (which happens less frequently now that his vocabulary has really expanded).

He does like the word "no" and often say's "what" in an annoyed manner if you interrupt something he's trying to do. Both of these we just use a teaching moments.

On the occasion where he hits or throws something that is dangerous to throw, he does get time outs and they seem to be mostly effective.

I have also hear 3 is much worse, joy

RoxBride · April 2012

I had so many people warn me about the terrible twos, and we passed without issues. Then it was people saying "forget the 2s, the terrible 3s are the real problem". We've not seen it yet.

Her personality has stayed the same. She's not one to have temper tantrums, the couple she tried at 2 fizzxled pretty fast with a good old fashioned "you won't get anything acting that way".

The only new challenge that cropped up was her not listening - sometimes she choose not to answer us when we ask her a question or to do something. We go over and remove what she was doing and things got better.

Boredom is our issue, if she's bored then her behavior gets worse.

LIAngel · April 2012

efooey:

The 3s however, totally different story, no need to scare you now though...

LOL! Nicholas just turned 3 and I am already looking forward to him turning 4.

LucyPevensie · April 2012

2 was nothing for us - Jack remained very sweet and funny and even tempered. We did almost no discipline - I don't believe in disciplining a child for acting out if they are over tired - I look at that as more the adult's fault than the child's. I also don't discipline for acting the way a 2 or a 3 year old acts - a kid can't be any different than their mental development allows.

However ... speaking of 3 ... that is when my sweet boy became a little more of a stinker.

We saw our first open mouthed staring at you while I'm screaming LOUDLY tantrum type behavior at 3 ... and he is much more likely to challenge us too, i.e. "NO! I don't WANT to!" Also LOTS of drama and melodrama - things don't go his way - whining/screaming/fit throwing, etc. Although he does not do epic type throw himself on the ground type fits - so I think we're probably pretty lucky there.

I put him in time out if he hits me - it doesn't happen often but if he gets worked up enough - it will. We use a lot of "one .. TWO .." and rarely get to three. At three the option to do it yourself --- come upstairs ... walk over to where I am .. come in the bathroom and get your teeth brushed, etc.. --- if we get to three the option goes away and you are picked up and carried to where you need to be. He also challenges us on clothing choices now and then these days - he NEVER did that before - he never noticed what we were putting on him. Now he does, and it's not like he REALLY cares - but he'll assert his will and his independence by throwing a fit "no! I don't want to wear this!" and I let him win those battles, i.e. "OK. What shirt DO you want to wear? OK we'll put this one on."

I try to let him win some battles - and some, he loses. I have no idea if I'm "doing it right" - we're having a problem with him listening right now/doing what we tell him to do - so it's challenging. But I know he is also developmentally trying to become an independent small person and I try to remember that and try not to get too frustrated. Sometimes I don't succeed. Sometimes I have to walk away because I get SO annoyed with him. Like right now .. he is screaming "I want EASTER!" in an annoying loud whining half crying voice because he wants a lollipop ... sigh. He's not getting one..

I don't know if there's a perfect answer. I keep meaning to check out 1, 2, 3 magic - the book - a lot of people seem to like it. I don't follow any one book though - and don't think anyone should, actually. A little bit of this - a little bit of that - it's got to work for your child and I am also trying HARD to remember NOT to be influenced by my own fears over "what will other people think?" when it comes to parenting my child (and I can get caught up in that, like anybody.) I am trying to remember it's about Jack, and our family, and what works for him, and for us, as we try to raise a loving, respectable, respectful, kind child.

Who can be a real PITA at times. HA!

dana316 · April 2012

Let me preface this by saying that Caroline is a VERY verbally advanced 2 year old. She is completely conversational and incredibly smart...she knows most of everything that is on the list that kids are supposed to know before they go to kindergarten. We are about to start learning how to identify small words, and I'm guessing she'll be reading before she's four.

Now, having said all that...Caroline, at two, is not a lot of fun. As a matter of fact, for us, two SUCKS. Big time. She is constantly testing boundaries, deliberately disobeying and being defiant. She thinks its funny. It is hard to discipline her, because she is always thinking and scheming. If she goes to time out "until", she just bides her time, waiting and singing songs and playing by herself. If she goes for 2.5 minutes, she'll ask when is her timer going off so she can says she's sorry for whatever.

She can tell me exactly why she went to time out, say she is sorry and promise not to do it again. She'll say "I got a time out for hitting Mommy. I'm sorry, Mommy. I not hit again.", and then turn right around, 20 minutes later and do it again. Frustrating, yes...but normal? I think so.

In all acutality, she is probably more like a three year old now than a two year old. She has always run hot and cold...and can thow a tantrum like nobody's business...but now, she does something she KNOWS she's not supposed to do, then laughs and runs from me. It is frustrating as hell. I am angry more days that not, and I hate that.

She also knows how to work the fact that I'm busy with Parker to her advantage. She normally waits until I sit down to nurse him to get into something.

Good times...seriously...

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