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Help me with teenage girl and AF
I wrote last year how my (then) 10 yr old stepdaughter got AF. It's now a year later and horrible. She is so not ready for this, still. Yesterday, I was cleaning out her closet and found used pads hidden in corners, stained underwear stashed away in an unused book bag, etc. I found a stash of used pads under the bathroom sink. Just about every month I will find pads still in her underwear in the laundry. Both her mom and I have talked to her as women, as "friends," we've yelled at her, and not proudly I've tried embarassing her. I will make her come remove the pads from her underwear before it goes in the laundry. We have tried every angle, especially "I've been there." We've gone over the aspect of hygiene til we're blue in the face. It is so frustrating. I've talked to her about being discrete. She doesn't need to announce that she got blood in her underwear or on her clothes, but I showed her where the stain spray is and asked that she use it so we're not having to throw clothes away (jeans, pants). Our toilet in the kids bathroom has clogged several times, so we suspect that she is flushing pads. We really have done the talking route and her mom and I have shared that it's not something to hide, not be ashamed of, all women have it, etc. I'm at a loss. She will not open up to us when we talk other than I can usually pry a nod out of her that she's embarassed. That's when I feel bad and try talking to her like a friend. Communication is something we are working on with her. This is such a hard age.
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Re: Help me with teenage girl and AF
Is it possible for you to make a bigger deal of your period? And show her how it doesn't really change things for you, like you just need to be prepared... I don't know, maybe not make your time so private for a bit?
You do eventually grow out of it. I remember stealing a wash cloth from my Grandma because I didn't want to ask her to get me pads. She was so concerned about the damn wash cloth she thought the cleaning lady took it.
A few thoughts:
1. Is there an aunt in the picture that she's close to? For me "mom" wasn't always my most comfortable go to but when my aunt would approach things with me it was easier because she wasn't my regular disciplinarian.
2. What about a "rite of passage" day where you can take her out and celebrate all the great things about becoming a woman? Taker her for a mani-pedi, maybe to buy some new clothes, maybe a movie she wants to see or a nice lunch or even dressed up for "tea" if you have a fun place to do that. Show her how fun it is to be a tween (insert eye roll here) and all the positives and then talk about how by comparison dealing with the monthly visitor is a small price to pay for all the new fun things on the horizon for her.
3. Tampons. Not sure how you guys feel about this but out of sight might make it easier for her to deal with and they can go straight into the toilet. I HATED my period when I first go it. I begged my Mom for a hysterectomy. (not kidding) Pads just grossed me out. It all got so much better for me once I started using tampons because I didn't have a constant physical reminder that I was OTR.
4. What about a special trash can inside her closet that's just for pads? It sounds like she desperately doesn't want anyone to be able to find evidence that she's having her period so providing her a private place to throw stuff away might help. Make sure it's one with a lid so she doesn't have to look at it every time she opens her closet.
I'm so sorry. It must be very frustrating for all of you. I hope you find some ways to deal with with it soon.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
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Hmm... My daughter was young (not as young as your SD though) when she started her period, a month before her 13th birthday.
She's not had any trouble with it.. she told me the day it happened all matter of fact like. And, I took her to the store to pick out her own pads. That, was important to me as my mom gave me her old lady gigantic ones that sucked. Also, I got her some of those flushable wipes, because I remember feeling like it was all just kind of gross and messy. Maybe try letting her pick out her own stuff? You know they have all the colorful and 'discreet' packaged stuff now... maybe she'd be more interested/receptive to that.
The way we always talked about it was like this... It's kind of a big deal because it means your body is maturing and changing, and it's a new responsibility to take care of... but, it's kind of not a big deal because it happens to almost all females (so you're not weird or anything). She seemed to get that as a preteen and made her comfortable enough to talk about it openly.
In addition I showed her (with clean ones) how you wrap up a used pad with the wrapper from the new one you're getting out. Have you showed her how to do that? I mean, it seems like a common sense thing to us but maybe she doesn't know... and it might appeal to her that it's kind of handy and it 'hides' them in the garbage can.
I gave her a few other little things - a little calendar to write it down (so we can look at it and give her a decent idea of when to expect it next so she's not caught off guard). A cute little makeup bag to keep a spare pair of undies, some pads, and a couple single packets of wipes, to keep in her bag at school.
I also agree with maybe switching to a younger female therapist. It sounds like she might just prefer the male because he doesn't approach tough subjects or make her do any real 'work' in therapy.
Don't embarrass her. That's not cool. I mean really, think about how that feels, to be embarrassed at that age. That kind of stuff happens enough at school, home needs to be safe and comfortable.
Continue to talk about it regularly, calmly, openly, and without judgment or punishment. That's the only way to make it more comfortable and normal for her. She's so young. She's really not ready for any of it. She needs to be guided and parented for an extended period of time for this... it will take her a long time to get used to it.
sorry this is all over the place - i've been jotting stuff down while folding laundry and making phone calls
All excellent advice, as per usual Howley!
With tampons I'd nervous she wouldn't change them appropriately... you'd need to make sure she wasn't just putting one in and leaving it... just since she's so young and doesn't seem to be handling this very well yet.
Poor thing! (Her and you!)
I got my AF when I was 10 too and I got it without even knowing what it was because my mom hadn't explained it to me yet.
After I got it I read a lot of books on it to learn more about it. I remember when I finally did talk to my mom about it after she was done celebrating it (yes, Hispanic people celebrate this... it's a rite of passage to womanhood... Dude it's monthly pain and bleeding, let's just eat the cake and pass on the singing, yes?) she gave me some pads to use and they were the thickest longest most uncomfortable things ever. I would triple fold it and stuff it in my uniform pocket and the lump it created was visible from like 3 blocks away (ok I'm exxagerating a little).
What made me finally feel better about getting AF was
1. Writing about it in my diary and what it meant to me ( that I was getting older,that I was more mature etc.)
2. Switching to Alway.s "Slender for Teens " pads... I don't know if they still make those ?
3. Reading lots of teen magazines that made references to period stories and experiences. Back then it was YM magazine, I'd say now the equivalent is Seventeen Magazine and Teen Vogue.
Could you maybe see if any of these types of things could help her? Get her a journal and encourage her to write about how she feels? Take her shopping for more comfortable/convenient (whatever is important to her) pads? And maybe get her a magazine or two, just to get comfortable with all the types of things that happen to tween/teen girls.
Good luck !
LOVE this response !!! Especially the special ladies' day. If my Mom had done something like that as opposed to announcing it to my entire family and having them all stare and then sing at me and make comments , I would have loved it !
My aunt was also my go to person for stories of weird body things, boys and se.x.
About tampons, those scared me until I was in college. The thought of a foreign object inside me kind of freaked me out.
I also love the idea of a special trash can. I am making some major notes here for whenever CC gets her AF!
Also, have you given her any books about it? There are several we've gotten for my DD, The Period Book (Everything you don't want to ask but need to know) Period A girl's guide.
And the best one I think was My Little Red Book which is a compilation of short stories by a bunch of different women. It's not a kids book but it's completely appropriate. I really enjoyed it and I think my DD did too.
As someone who started at 9, she has my sympathy. I'd see if there is a sweet young nurse who is hip at the doctor's office, and see if she can talk to her.
I remember having an awesome teacher at school who my Mom talked to, and she took me aside and said that if I had problems at school, I could just walk out of class and come find her, and she'd help. It was so nice. She was all matter of fact, we are in this together, here;s pads in my bottom drawer, no biggie about it. Loved her.
Does your SD have internet access? Try directing her to this website:
https://www.beinggirl.com/
I found the link on the alway.s website, it says the site is "for girls, by girls".
Worth a shot, no?
I totally agree with howleysell. I was going to also mention the private trash can.
I was 11 years old when I got AF and I was always so embarassed about it. I threw away a lot of underwaer during that time. love my mom and we can talk abouit almost anything now, but then, it was soooo akward. It was akward to me though because I knew it was weird for her too, she was reaised that you don't talk about af and it's gross and private. She tried but a close family friend worked better for me:)
Also, ditto the bolded below.
Good luck! Not an east spot to be in!
Thank you so much for all of your suggestions! Us losing our patience with her has just been a result of frustration after we've offered her so many suggestions and long talks. DH gets so offended (not in her presence) that she won't talk to him. If you remember, he was all about talking to her about it and even put the date on his phone calendar for the following month. I had to tell him that talking to dad just ain't cool, sorry!
I'm going to look into a special trashcan and a cool box for her supplies. She has supplies in her book bag in a special bag. I've shown her how she can discretely dispose of her stuff, we do have a 14 yr old brother to deal with.
I'm also going to look at a female therapist again. Her hygiene is not stellar either. She gives us a hard time about showering and taking care of the acne on her face. This is such a hard time for her.
Part of me wants to squeeze your DH because that's just so incredibly sweet.
The other part? GASP!!! It cracks me up how sometimes guys just don't get it.
I would have been beyond mortified if my dad or my older brother ever knew when that time of the month was.
But.... you've gotta hand it to him for wanting to be such a hands on dad.
Thank goodness he's got you to help with the girl stuff in the house!!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I got my period when I was 10. I remember being super embarassed about it because of the massive pads. And our bathroom at school didn't even have a special trash can for that stuff so you had to bring it out of the stall and put it in the garbage in front of everyone. I felt sooo much better once I switched to always teen or something. I don't remember what they were called, but you couldn't see them like you could see the other ones.
It sounds like a female therapist would be a good idea. And if she is having issues with cleanliness in general, maybe it is time to get her some special body wash and shampoo? AND I think a journal would be great.
I was always into reading and I remember reading lots of books about teenagers and the types of things I was going through. Even if my friends weren't going through it yet.
Good luck. I am glad your DH's ex is willing to talk to you about this.
So many great suggestions.
Also, as a teacher, I have gotten pleas from parents to talk to their girls about their periods.
I'm not the youngest teacher anymore in the building, but I think I relate well to a lot of the girls because I'm realistic and still know the "popular" stuff-Lol. I have no problem talking to them about it and have it done it several times. See if you can find a teacher in her school that she might be close with.
Or......e-mail/call the school counselor (hopefully they have at least one female counselor in her school). Our counselors take care of this stuff all the time!
I also agree about finding a female therapist, especially at this age.
GL!