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2nd Trimester
jenosbo
member
MIL rant...
jenosbo
member
So my mother in law just loves to baby my dh and do everything for him which I cant stand. Well DH mentioned recently needing a specific drilland I though Oh what a great idea for a fathers day gift. Well MIL mentioned she was going to pick it up without even consulting me about if I was going to get it for him. Mind you she does this all the time jumps the gun and never leaves me anything to do for him which I hate because I am his wife I want to get him nice things too and for petes sake fathers day is 2 months away and now i feel rushed. Well I went into her work Lowes to get it yesterday so she wouldn't buy it herself. Well she was working of course and saw me and came over and grabbed it and said let me go get my credit card and I said no I'm getting it for him I want this to be from me. She insisted on buying it so we could use her discount which was nice but it 10% so im not worried about a couple bucks to make sure I get the gift for him. Needless to say i left the store emty handed. Im soooo annoyed with her. Not only this but the comments she makes about our unborn child and how he needs to be at her house all the time and she is buying a room darkening blind for his room. She never asks how we are planning on raising our child just makes comments on what we should do. On Sunday we were over for Easter and Jaxson was moving around and I said watch you can see my stomach jump when he moves and she said its not fair you get to feel him. Excuse me you had your turn already with your 2 kids what do you even mean. One more things sorry for the on going rant but an ex co worker of mine which she now works with got us a little stuffed animal for Jaxson she showed it to me and said but its staying here he needs toys here too. WTF he is going to be living me and dh IF(the if is a whole nother rant about her drinking way too much and not being left alone with him) he ever comes to your house he will come prepared with toys.. She is making me absolutly crazy and I cant take it anymore. I broke down to DH yesterday about it and ruined my fathers day suprise but I cant take it anymore!!! I dont know what to do I try and ignore them but they live 2 mins away so we have to see them on occassion...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Re: MIL rant...
I have had MIL - Boundary Issues myself. Word of advice: Let DH deal with his mother himself, but speak on BOTH of your behalf. By not addressing the issues, to MIL, they aren't issues at all & her behavior will continue.
There's a way to approach it without coming across confrontational. Put a lot of "we want" & "we have decided" into the conversation & MIL will get the point that it's DH stepping up... as a Husband & Daddy-to-be & not as Her Son. It's great that she is so excited, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Best to get it established way before Baby! *GL*
Thank you for the advice I agree 100% Im going to talk to DH about it again because the boundries do need to be set ASAP
Boy, do I know how you feel! My MIL is the same way. I agree about boundaries and to establish them before Baby gets here. We are trying to do that right now and it's pretty painful - I can't even imagine how hard it would be after the baby arrives!
I agree with a PP about lots of "we" statements when dealing with her. It's best for her to see a unified front when you are setting rules and boundaries.
Good luck - I know what it's like to have a nightmare MIL and I have lots of sympathy for your situation!
I know how you feel, when DH and I first got married I had FIL boundary issues (MIL is not in picture). He would do things like- he went to DHs friends, instead of me, and they decided to throw him a surprised 30th birthday party. then they came to me and told me the date, it got on my nerves so much.
But I just smiled and nodded and I'm not sure exactly what changed but he eventually started to back off. I would just let it go, she loves her son and wants to do things for him - do the best you can to be thankful that he has that. When things like the drill come up- just remember that the important part is that your husband gets what he wants, not who gave it to him.
As far as the toys and baby having his own room at her house...etc. I don't think that's a problem. My mom does that for her grandkids but it doesn't make her pushy about how they are raised - it's just there to make things easier for my sister (and soon me) should they need to stay there longer than an hour or two. Grandparents get excited at the idea, she'll soon learn that there isn't as much need for it as she might think.
Holy wall of text. Let me attempt to get this straight:
Your MIL wanted to buy your DH a Father's Day gift that he said he wanted, I assume in front of her since she knew about it. You went to buy it for him at the same store where she works, while she was working. She insisted on using her discount to save you money.
She's so excited about her grandson that she's preparing her home to make him more comfortable when he visits, and she's envious that you get to experience baby kicks.
Someone whom you both know gave her a toy for your son, and she wants to keep it at her house.
Whatabitch. Seriously, it sounds like your dislike for your MIL is clouding your judgment about her behavior. Get some perspective.
BFP #2 1/22/2012 ~ DS2 & DD ~ BIRTHday 9/13/2012 ~ unplanned C-section @ 38w1d
Emily 8.8.08
Madeline 1.2.11
William 8.5.12
It sounds a little like the frustration is because she feels like her MIL is trying to "hijack" her pregnancy. I kind of get it...we sent our parents a video of the first sonogram when we heard the heartbeat and now my MIL says "I listened to OUR heartbeat today!"
I'm like "Um, ours? You mean the baby's?" It's a little weird.
ETA: She also did this with our wedding. It was "OUR special day", not mine and my husband's. That sh*t weirds me out.
I'm lurking from the 3rd tri board, the 2nd tri boards are so much better!
Anyways, I think you should talk to your DH and have him talk to his mother about how she's being - I wouldn't put up with it. We had issues with my FIL, and it took a heart to heart with DH and him confronting his dad to get him to butt out.
There comes a time when the parents have to cut the cord, and while it was rough getting to the point that DH and I are now in with our relationship, we are so much stronger when we can be independant!
Good luck!
I think you're overthinking things.
My MIL babies my DH quite a bit - has actually said she wishes he (and his sister) were both still kids... So I get the frustration.
With gifts, I'd recommend talking to your husband about this. Perhaps ask him to tell you first what he wants for birthday/Christmas/special event and then pass the information to your MIL. Let him know you want "first dibs" on some items, but don't want to ruin the surprise. This way she gets a list of what he wants for his birthday, but you get the opportunity to purchase a gift first if you really have your heart set on that item. Or, tell your MIL you already bought the item for him. I'm not huge on white lies, but sometimes they are necessary to enforce boundaries. But I think the real solution has to start with you and your DH - have a conversation with him and enlist him to work with your Mom.
As for the toys at her house - as long as they are age appropriate and safe I would have no problem. (1) It's nice to have one less thing to schlep around, babies come with a lot of stuff and (2) stuff at Grandmas will be new and different from what you have at home, which can decrease meltdowns as the child will have something exciting to look forward to at Grandmas.
I agree with this. I get the feeling you don't particularly like your MiL so you're coming up with reasons to dislike her more.
Personally, I think you should be thankful that she wants to be as involved with your pregnancy and new baby. I wish I had half the attention you are getting from your MIL. Since announcing the pregnancy to our parents December 2011, I have yet to receive a phone call or text from my MIL or SIL (inquiring how the baby and I are doing).
Yes I think your MIL is being overbearing but I'm sure you would be even more annoyed if she acted like she didn't care at all (like my MIL). Just my opinion.
This. This sounds like a DIL problem, not a MIL problem.
Well said.
I think that we always wish for what we don't have...in your case, it sounds like your MIL is very involved and can be slightly overbearing, but I can assure it's much worse the other way around. So she bought him the drill - she may be thinking that there are other, more personalized gifts you can get him for his first Father's Day. And in terms of the room at her house? I bet you that will come in handy when you need a night out or back up.
It sounds like she's really excited for her grandson...I would take a deep breath and clear your mind. That way, if there are big, boundary pushing issues that arise AFTER the baby comes you're focused on handling those, and you're not focused on all this.
DS: June 2012
MC: July 2015 8w5d
Thanks!!!
It would be nice if there was a middle ground for MILs, where they weren't too overbearing and not so standoffish. Oh well, it's like you said we always wish for the things we don't have.
So that part kinda freaked me out. I can relate to where you are coming from generally, I feel like my MIL has a tendency to talk about the baby in lots of "ours" and "my" and reminds me a zillion times that she never had a daughter so I have to excuse her behavior when she goes crazy. I don't like it, and I wish that she didn't do it but I don't really know that anything can be done about it until she really steps over the line and starts carrying her own diaper bag or something. It would be great if your MIL would back off but I think you have to just learn to ignore some of it. If you don't give it attention then it keeps it from becoming too important. Save your energy for the big battles, then send DH in.
I did not read all the responses, just to warn you.
If you really have a problem with your MIL, you could lurk on this site: https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_in_laws_and_foo_family_of_origin
They are awesome when it comes to building up your spine. Just a warning though, lurk before you post, and read the "new members" stickies as well before you consider posting.
My MIL never had a daughter and expects me to be her daughter and call her "Mom" and everything like that. I love her, but I have my own mom and she's my MIL, not my mom. But I have been worried about her overstepping her bounds in this pregnancy and once the baby is here. She announced our pregnancy on Facebook before we were ready to make a public announcement!!!!!! Then she didn't understand why I was upset about that and asked her to take it down! It turned into this enormous fight, especially between me and my DH cuz he was defending his mom to me, but not defending me to his mom. He and I finally sorted us out and he corrected his mom, but my main line to my DH was "It is you, me, and the baby; NOT you, me, baby and grandma!"