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Attachment Parenting
MrsSR
member
Unhealthy attachment? Kinda long
MrsSR
member
We practice attachment parenting. LO still sleeps in bed with us and we have no intention of moving her anytime soon.
We also take LO with us when we go places. She does attend daycare when we are at work, but that's about the only person who watches her.
Since she was born, my mom has watched her only once, because my friend came into town to surprise me and take me out for my bday. I was happy to see her, but not so happy that she wanted it to be adults only... after lunch I didn't understand why LO couldn't have come-we only we to Red Robin and ate. It didn't need to be adults only.
I also don't miss LO's bedtime routine. DH and I alternate nights, but I'm always here for it. I've missed her bedtime twice, both due to parent teacher conferences.
It was mentioned on another board that this is very "unhealthy". I don't see a problem with it. I did suffer from PPD and PPA after her birth and was on medication for about six months.
Do you think this is unhealthy or normal? I'm wondering if I should bring it up with my doc?
I just feel that since I work I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I can't imagine going away for a weekend or week without her. This is what sparked the conversation on the other board.
Thanks for any insight you can give!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Unhealthy attachment? Kinda long
I think it depends. If this is something that you really try to do, but realize that sometimes life takes over (like the parent-teacher conferences), then no. If this is something that you agonize over and stresses you out, then yes. (But, of course, it's more about it being unhealthy for YOU, not her.)
Our culture is kinda ridiculous in its desire to make kids "independent" super early (before is biologically and cognitively really appropriate) and I think it's just because the parents don't want to be bothered. But hey, that's just my total judgey UO phrased poorly in my terse mood. :P
If you said this was significantly interfering with/impacting your life.. then I would say it might be unhealthy.
Others may have different ideas of how much time they want to spend with their LO. For someone else, this may be more of a problem than it appears to be for you.
I said I thought this was unhealthy, and I still do. It is fine, normal, great to want to spend as much time as possible with your kids. But when you can't go out to eat with a friend for lunch ONE time without wondering why your child couldn't be with you I think it is verging on unhealthy.
And to be fair, in that post you told someone who wanted to go out of town without their kids that you would never, ever be able to do that because you have never even missed your child's bed time. Why couldn't you leave your dh home alone to put your daughter to bed and go out with a friend? Do you feel like you would not be able to do that? If so, then that is probably not healthy.
I said this because I don't see the need. Why not be there for her bedtime, be able to spend that last hour or so with her, then go out with friends? Whenever my moms' group has a Mom's Night Out, that's what I do. I'm here to kiss her goodnight, then I leave and DH is here with her. Most of the moms in my group put their LOs to sleep, then join us for whatever we are doing.
As for lunch with my friend, I barely spent any time with her that weekend. I thought it was wasted hours that I can't get back.
If I need to be away, I am. Like with the conferences... I had to be there and miss her routine, so I did. I wasn't upset or stressed over it; it just was what it was.
And as for that post, she asked about leaving the country for a week or two. No, I couldn't do that. I'll stand by that. A week away all the way in another country? No way.
I think in that post had you left out the part about saying you'd judge anyone who'd do that, you might not have been flamed.
I am not ready to leave DD overnight. I can't imagine leaving her behind for more than a few hours at this point. I really don't understand moms who are ready for a break and leave their 2 month old for the weekend. I don't judge it, but I don't get it either. It is outside of my circle of experience. But, I do also crave time by myself and with friends. I do think it is unhealthy if you don't have that time. If you are getting that time and working it around her schedule than that is great. I think that is just a good balance for your family right now. I know I prefer to put DD down for bed before going out for date nights and girls' nights. Being a BFing mom who hates the pump that was less stressful for me.
But, I don't see the point in saying you'd judge a mother for it. That was really uncalled for and likely the source of the flaming.
Do you feel like you missed out on so much in those few 'wasted' hours that you can't get back? If that is the case then yes, I do think that is unhealthy. That is the one time you have been away from her for fun, and you think it was wasted hours. That does not seem healthy to me.
As for the bedtime, if your husband is doing it then why would it be so weird to go out? It seems like you don't think it is the right thing to do to go out and have fun without your daughter unless she is at home asleep with your husband.
And the out of the country thing, well, that is your choice (and you left out that you said you would judge anyone who did it), but that doesn't mean that it isn't okay for other moms to do it, which is what you were implying.
It wasn't a flaming... not at all. And the OP asked for honest opinions. So I gave mine honest opinion. And I'll still stand by that. I think most mothers have SOMETHING that they judge other moms on... that's mine.
I guess I just don't see that as unheatlhy. Maybe it's something I need to talk to my doc about, which is why I asked.
I also think the other thing that bothered me is my mom doesn't visit often (she lives far away) and I was missing out on spending time with her as well.
Who knows.
Thanks for your opinions!
Based on what you posted here, I don't see red flags. You let other things (like work) be the priority when they must, but other than that you prioritize your family.
There is a little mental exercise I like to do that helps me think of things that are cultutal norms versus universal truths of health or happiness. Let's say you were a mom living in...say...the African bush--would taking a weekend vacation without your child be something important for you to do? Probably not, right? Vacations are a luxury that our culture see as "normal" but they are not a right or requirement for a healthy, happy life.
Some quick questions to process on your own (that transcend culture):
Outside of your child, do you have passions and interests?
Do you spend time with friends and extended family?
Do you resent the amount of time you spend with your child?
Do other relationships that you value suffer because of the time you spend with your child?
Does your partner have concerns about your balance?
More Green For Less Green
Nice points/questions to reflect on.
I've only been away from DS1 for two nights (when I was in the hospital after giving birth to DS2), and have never been away from DS2 overnight. I do bedtime with DS2 99% of the time right now (I go out with friends probably every few months, and DH does bedtime those nights).
I'll be honest, I am really looking forward to the days where DH and I can go somewhere for the weekend! Or even eat dinner out after 6 pm. I do really enjoy going out without kids - if DH and I go out, we'll do brunch or an early dinner. I don't want to subject our sitter to bedtime with DS2 right now, quite frankly.
I think kids are only little once, and once they are 3-4 years old, it's a LOT easier to leave them with someone else at bedtime.
I think the Nest has a lot of people who take off on trips without their young children, which is something I just won't do.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
This is not just a Nest thing by any stretch.
I would say it depends, I am also the same exact way so I also struggle with this question. I found out too late I had PPA because I had never heard of it before I only heard of PPD which I didnt have so I never got help with it. Since I have realized it I am trying to cope but I still have anxiety when I have to leave her BUT I know I have to have a few hours to myslef or with my DH so it has been getting a tiny bit easier! I think not missing bedtime routine is normal because once you have a routine and they are going to bed you (I) dont want to do anything that will mess that up!
As much as it sucks I would recommend spending an hour or two a week for you time, have your mom or your DH watch your LO and go get a pedi once in awhile :-D
Then yes, you are unhealthy. If you cannot possibly see value in another persons wish to travel, get out with friends, work at night, get a night off, enjoy other people and get away then you are in an extremely unhealthy situation.
It's one thing to say "hey if it works for you, do it!" and have it not be your choice, but your judgment of something soooo not a big deal indicates you're in a situation that is very unhealthy.
Yeah its not a nest thing. It's a general public sort of thing. It' a healthy thing. It's a good for your marriage thing. If it isn't for you, don't do it but don't imply its a condition of the nest. It's just a condition of being an adult who knows their limits and wants a break now and then.
Hi! Our daughter still sleeps with us in bed, and she's over three. I went back to work when she was about 9-10 months old, and my husband stayed home with her. She was never in daycare; I think the first time we actually left her with friends so we could have a date, she was probably almost two. I nursed her until she was a little over two, we carried her until she was over two, etc. I have only been away from her for a few days when I had to go on business trips; the longest was about three weeks ago, when I was in the hospital for six days (but I saw her almost every day). Oh, and I am normally still the one who puts her to bed, not my husband. Every night.
She started preschool in January (8-12, then she comes home and goes back from 2-5), and we thought we would have a hell of a time. But she loves it. And I think three is about the right age to start doing things like that (if you can wait that long, that it; I'm in the fortunate situation that my husband could stay at home with her).
Why on earth is spending as much time with your child as possible unhealthy? Does it feel right to you? Is everyone in your little family happy? Then it is right for you. Don't let anyone ever undermind your style of parenting.
Ditto this. I agree. I work and try to spend as much time with my son as possible but sometimes a lunch with a girlfriend where I get to be an adult with no one clinging to me, throwing food or whatever other kid thing restores my sanity and honestly makes me a better parent. It's not healthy to have zero time to your self. Everyone needs a break and some adult time period.
Why on earth is spending as much time with your child as possible unhealthy? Does it feel right to you? Is everyone in your little family happy? Then it is right for you. Don't let anyone ever undermind your style of parenting.
When its driven by guilt, shame, or a strange perception of "being the better mother" then its unhealthy. In her original post everything sounded fine. But as you get more information it's more clear that there's a lot of issues there.
And its "undermine".
I guess I don't love my kid that much because after the first time I left her overnight, I kept wanting to do it. My marriage is better, I am better and she has fun.
I always said I'd NEVER ever leave her overnight. I had to eat crow on that one. We try to get a night away once every other month. We need it for us.
I do think there's a red flag if you can never, ever miss bedtime and you cancel or don't go to social outings because of not wanting to be away from LO on an infrequent basis. AP doesn't mean never leaving your child's side- but having balance.
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
ORLY?
Yes, I fully realize it's a "normal" thing to do. My point (which wasn't clear) is that there is a vocal majority on the Nest who do it. I don't know many people IRL who go on extended vacations by themselves without their young children.
I'd be happy to get a break from my kids, but it's just not feasible for us at this moment in time - I personally don't feel like torturing my family members with my 18-mo-old who is a crap sleeper right now. A year or so from now is a different story.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Oh, a grammar nitpicker! That makes this board seem all the more welcoming.
Except that isn't a grammar correction. She used the wrong word. Actually she used a word that isn't a word.
Yep.
idk, depends on how old LO was at the time.
If this happened to me now? Yes i could totally understand a kids-free lunch with a friend. but if LO was just a few months old? I would be offended if a friend insisted on "no kids" at a lunch. Especially when LO mostly just naps during the day at that age.
I'm coming back to this late... but I did want to add that I DO go out with friends. But it's when she's sleeping. And I work full time, so I am away from her from 7am to about 3 pm. That's a LOT of hours away.
I only get about five hours a day with her... I like to use those hours to be with her. If I can't, I can't. Sometimes work pulls me away (conferences, report cards, etc). It's not a big deal when it happens.
As for my birthday lunch, she didn't treat me to lunch. We paid for our own meals. So why LO couldn't come with and celebrate my bday too, doesn't make sense.
Who knows. I'll be bringing this all up with my doc at my next appoinment. I've been having other anxiety issues as well.
Thanks again for your honest opinions.
Your friend wanted to spend time with you? Just you?
Makes sense to me.
I have a few friends who got lost in motherhood those first few years and it was sad.
You have a lot more hours in the day than most working mothers. I'm out of the house 7-7.
You are not the only person to ever have a child. Remember that.
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
I would have also been annoyed if someone told me specifically NOT to bring DS... If DH isn't watching him or if DH is working, than DS is coming with me... That's the only option for us right now. Sorry, but I agree with you on that one particular issue. It's not like it was a bar or it was late a night. It's a family friendly restaurant! I've gone to bertucci's with friends AND DS tons of times.
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