Bio child after adopting concerns

jani7 · April 2012

I think I'm in need of reassurance that everything is going to be ok. First of all I mostly lurk on here but have posted a few times but hopefully I'll be on here more. So here is my story and question.

After a long infertility struggle we adopted a beautiful and amazing baby boy 8 months ago. He is my soulmate child as if we were always meant to be together. Well I just found out I'm pregnant (unexpectedly). Not that I am ungrateful for a new blessing our life but I am SO worried about our son and how he will adjust to having a new sibling, them being so close in age (16 months) and that the new baby will be our biological child and he will be adopted. My mom says it will just be one more person in our DS's life that loves him but I still can't help but worrying.

Dr.Loretta · April 2012

IMO, it's good that you voice these concerns now, because that means you can address them with whomever you need to, whether that's your social worker, or a therapist they recommend, or someone who's in a similar position who can give you their experiences.

You'll likely experience some toddler behavior where your older child will be jealous of his new sibling, especially in the early weeks and months when a newborn needs SO much attention. But plenty of people have been in that situation, so you should be able to find a lot of commiseration. You'll just need to tease out what's older sibling behavior vs something related to adoption.

GL and post often.

jillianmb · April 2012

I am interested to hear the answers to this too b/c we are going to pursue IF treatments after our adoption.

I asked DH about this b/c he is biological and his older sister was adopted. They are 18 months apart in age. He said his sister definitely struggled with the fact that she wasn't biological when they were in their teens. I think it is only natural that an adopted child would have to work through those emotions. Many of the emotions would come to your child whether or not you had a biological child. They were some tough years for my DH and SIL, but rest assured they have a loving relationship as adults and both adore their parents.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I think although you may have some struggles to go through in a number of years, ultimately your son will be blessed by his sibling.

Patches08 · April 2012

DD was adopted by a couple struggling with unexplained IF for 7 years.. 1.5 years after they adopted her Amom was able to conceive and has had three bio children and they did not adopt again. We have an open adoption and when we visit I play with and treat their bio children as I do my DD (bringing gifts for all of them, reading, playing with all of them). Amom has expressed some fears about how her bio children will feel as time goes on regarding our visits, etc. I just try to treat all the children equally... If that's what I gotta do to keep the balance between us then so be it. Her boys are adorable and seem to enjoy their time with me during visits. Good luck!

MayDayGirl · April 2012

I understand your concerns and I think they are completely normal, but in The end I think it will all feel completely natural and normal. We have bio first and adopted second, I wondered constantly if I could love another baby as much as my son, or how different it would be not to go through birth, but in the end this is my family and t all feels completely normal to us and we love our kids just the same

Congrats!!!

orange1414 · April 2012

Chiming in as an adult adoptee, here. I'm adopted and my sister is my parent's biological child. She's nine months younger than me, so we're vey close in age. The differences in how we came to be a part of our family were never a problem. Congratulations!

srmmm09 · April 2012

Thanks, Orange! Good to hear.

MyJillyBean · April 2012

I was adopted at 5 months and my sister is biological to my parents. My sister and I are 21 months apart. For us, we had our normal sibling issues growing up but none were related to me being adopted and her not. Growing up, I hated being so close in age, having my little annoying sister follow me around all the time.

But now we're as close as two sisters could be.

jani7 · April 2012

Thanks so much for all the responses! It was great to hear from all parties (adoptees, birth mothers, and adopted parents. I am really grateful to have heard the positive experiences from the adoptees. Thank you!

irismorning · April 2012

I am also an adoptee. I am the oldest in my family. My two younger brothers are the biological children of our parents. I am 23 months older than my closest brother and it was never an issue. We had all of the "normal" sibling issues especially in my early teens, but none of it was related to how we came into our family. We are a pretty close family and I have never felt any distinction between myself and my siblings.

Good luck and congratulations on both your babies!

fallsbride · April 2012

I have a 6 year old and 3 more that are 3 and under

so this is something we have thought about as well . No matter how each child has joined our family they are here and we are so thankful. The moment each arrived I could no longer imagine life without him/her. It is normal as a mom to wonder about adding a new life and how it changes things for your child that is already here. This as others said has nothing to do w/ how the child joined your family. It is a natural and protective instinct b/c we love our munchkins so much. So there is a three year gap b/t my oldest and 2nd, 19 month gap b/t my 2nd and 3rd and 19 month gap b/t my 3rd and 4th. We really look for any opportunity to have 1 on 1 time with each child. It does not matter what the activity is (grocery shopping, baseball, lunch date, walk in the neighborhood, heck unloading the dishwasher can turn into precious one on one time). This really helps deflect jealousy. We have a special part of the day that each child has that is all there own. For example my 2nd son is always up first so we snuggle every morning in my bed and talk. My 6 year loves to help cook so he helps me in the kitchen every morning and we talk about things. My 2 year old LOVES to read books so before each nap/bedtime we cozy into a rocking chair and read a book! I am so excited to see what activity my 4.5 month old seems to love when she is older. Children love so willingly and adapt so wonderfully. This is a blessing and when your new little one is here you will have given you older child the gift of having a sibling! It is okay to wonder and question that is what us moms do!!!!

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