Can I get your opinion? (NBR) Long.
Sawyerplus1
member
Sorry, partly I just need to vent about this. So FIL and I have always had a rocky relationship. He's not a warm or welcoming man at all, disapproved of me and DH getting married, and thinks slapping money on something is both a band aid and a sign of his love. Last Spring our relationship with DHs parents near disintegrated as we tried to work with them to buy a house. In the end the whole thing fell through, a lot of hurtful things were said, and my opinion of FIL was at an all-time-low. DH and I both agreed at that time that we would never again mix our relationship with the ILs with money. Money coming from them, though it may be how they show they care, ALWAYS has strings and conditions attached. A loan is never just a loan.
So fast forward to now, DH and I, expecting LO #3, need to sell our car and buy a van. I hadn't intended to bring it up with the ILs at all, as I didn't want to open ourselves to their advice, etc. But it's obvious we need to do something, so they brought it up. FIL offered to DH that when we find the van we want, they'll buy it for us. Then we can sell our car privately and pay them back. That way we'll never be without a vehicle, and can sell the car privately for more than we'd get at a dealership (in theory). Sounds fair, right? Except I KNOW that when we tell FIL we've found a van we want, he'll want to know why, where, have we considered this or that, etc. In the end, he'll want to do the van shopping with DH. Same thing with the selling of our car; he'll want to know how much we're selling it for, make sure we hold out for a good price, etc. Essentially it'll become between DH and FIL, and no longer something DH and I do together (the ILs think DH and I can't do much on our own as responsible adults, so I have a strong inclination to prove them wrong whenever I can).
When DH told me of this offer I got so annoyed, but I am also so exhausted of fighting about FIL that I told DH that the decision was his, and that he should choose whatever he thinks is best for US. I did point out that a year ago at this time we agreed to never mix money and FIL again, but havent really brought it up since.
Well DH tells me yesterday that he thinks we've nothing to lose by doing it his dads way (and potentially something to gain if we can sell the car for more than the van cost), so he wants to do it that way. Needless to say, I was pissed. Maybe it was unfair of me to put the decision on him when I expected him to make one decision over another, but I can't deny I thought he'd chose to decline his dads offer. So I told DH to just do the van shopping with his dad then, and cut out the step where he and I go looking on our own.
When I told DH the decision was his, I meant it, and part of that was that I wouldn't hassle DH about it, or b!tch to him about his dad, no matter the decision he made. But now that he's made his decision, i'm kind of fuming at DH and stressed about the whole thing. DH is great, but he's not much of a planner, researcher, or negotiator so already I'm considering how much more complicated the process will be if we sell the car privately instead of doing a dealer trade. For instance, researching fair market value for the car, finding out what comparables are going for, listing the car, deal with offers, know what's fair, pay "parking insurance" on the car while we're not using it, find somewhere to park car while we're waiting to sell it, etc. Sure we may not get the best deal for our car with a dealership trade, but at least it'll be relatively quick and hassle-free. I KNOW DH, and I know he'll be annoyed with the process of selling the car privately and/or his dads over-involvement in the whole thing. Not to mention that if we cant sell it for as much as we think, we'll end up OWING the ILs money for the van.
Anyway, I really don't want to put DH in the unfair position of putting the decision all on him and then flipping out once he's made said decision. Ultimately it's just a vehicle and it'll be sorted out no matter what, but I'm also really really frustrated that this is the decision DH has made. It certainly doesn't help that I've been feeling emotional and hormonal lately. But also with 10 weeks left before LO arrives (maximum 8 potential van-shopping weekends), we need to get a new vehicle soon and I feel like I don't want the stress of doing it with FIL right now.
So long story really really long, what should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut, as was my original intention when I told DH to make the decision? Or should I express my concerns and frustrations (which will no doubt lead to me trying to convince DH otherwise)? Is there a middle-ground? Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!
Re: Can I get your opinion? (NBR) Long.
I think you let DH run with it, with some stipulations. Surely, there are some "must haves" for you. If DH and FIL want to do all the legwork and present you with a couple of options, I think that would work out pretty well.
As for selling a car privately - it's really not a big deal - at least in the states. Go to KellyBlueBook.com. Choose "what is my current car worth" then "I plan to sell it on my own." If you price it between the "Fair" and "Good" prices, you should have no problem moving it pretty quickly. You can take out a listing on a website like autotrader.com (I'm sure there's a Canadian version). Or you can just drive around with a "For Sale" sign. The worst part is being available for the test drives.
I wouldn't expect to make money off the deal, though. I'm not sure what you're buying or selling, but used cars just don't sell for a lot.
I understand where you are coming from. I feel like my dh would chose the same option, I would feel the same way, and then selling a car privately would become a hassle. We recently sold a car and I was the one that ultimately dealt with the buyer. You definitely don't need that stress!
As for dealing with in-laws, I can somewhat relate, but regarding my dad and his gf. Dh and I hate handouts or help but since the bfp, we realized we should take what we can get if it will help us with our LO, even if there are potential strings attached.
That being said, if I were in your shoes, I think I would accept the help BUT be involved in the van purchase as much as possible. You will be driving it, not your FIL, so your opinion should matter and maybe let your DH and FIL be in charge of selling the car.
Good luck!:)
Honestly, if it were me, I would just trade in your car at the dealership. Your FIL's offer was very generous, however if there are always strings attached as you said, then to me it wouldn't be worth the stress of dealing with it...especially at this stage of your pregnancy. I can certainly understand why your DH would want to take advantage of it, however, usually when you agree to never do something again (take money from your ILs), you said it for a reason. It's always tempting when the offer sounds so good, though. I would sit down and have a serious discussion with DH about it listing out all of your points. It's tough because you DID tell him that it was his decision, and now it sounds like you really meant "it's your decision...as long as you choose what I want." I personally don't think that decisions like this should be left to one person, though...it should be a joint one.
I don't know if that helps at all or not, but good luck!
IMHO, mixing your IL's (or your parents) and money/decisions that include money is never a good idea. As you have found out, it opens the door for them to have an opinion. Do you HAVE to go through FIL for the loan money? Why not just do it how most people do it? Sell your car and then buy a van with the money you made off the car and get a loan through a bank if the van is more then what you made off the car? We purchased a van and got lucky and sold our car within a week of buying our van and just got a small loan to cover the difference.
Point is, if you don't want FIL in your car buying business, don't ask him for the "loan" and keep him out of the process.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
Thanks! I know in the end it could all work out well and relatively hassle-free. The problem (or part of it) is letting "DH run with it". I'm worried he wont run with it and will drag his heels, since doing it this way does present more complications or steps than just going through a dealership, and I know how DH operates....
That's just it, it IS a generous offer, on the surface. I guess the house-buying catastrophe last year left more of an impression on me than DH.
NO! We certainly don't need FILs money to buy the van. FILs concern was that we'd lose money on the car going through a dealership, so that's why he made the offer. But as PP mentioned, used cars simply don't go for much. In our case we're *maybe* talking a difference of $2000 between privately selling it and going through a dealer. And that's part of my annoyance. Since the ILs already think we're incompetent, I'm not surprised they offered to help, but really wish they hadn't! I would have loved nothing more than to take care of it all ourselves and if they asked about it, say "you know what, FIL? It's actually none of your business what kind of a deal we got or why we bought what we bought. We did what was right for us". Haha, one can dream...
I know
I really didn't mean for that be how it went, but I guess I also didn't expect him to make this decision. Now that he's made it, I'm having a hard time biting my tongue!
If I had put myself and DH in this position..I would totally backpedal. DH would be pissed but honestly it's a fight I'd rather have with him than the whole family.
This is your family's van, YOU know what is best and what YOU will need out of a van. I'm assuming you'll be driving the van more than DH so it's definitely a decision that should be made by you and DH ALONE.
I would tell DH that your sorry for flip flopping but you've changed your mind. It's a much too complicated situation and you'd rather handle it as a family. The more you allow them to help you the more they're going to be of the mind set that you guys are helpless and continue to intrude on your life and decisions. Either way you go, good luck and keep us posted!