How Would You Handle This Situation W/ A Friend?

patchen30 · April 2012

Warning: LONG.

A good friend of mine from college (I mean really good friend - roomates all through college, in each other's weddings, etc.) lives around the corner from me. Her DD is 6 mo older than my DS. I always assumed that since we were having babies around the same time we'd hang out with them. She's a SAH mom and I work part-time.

However, since I had J she's made it clear that she does not want to hang out in our "mom life." If the roles were reversed and I had the baby first I'd be telling her where all the baby classes were, inviting her to play dates, etc. However, she's very active with her mom group and goes to a lot of classes, but makes zero attempt to ever include me. Consequently I found my own way and made my own friends and have since invited her to things, but she never comes and the invitation is never reciprocated. Keep in mind we're both doing the same stuff all day a block away from each other - just not doing it together. I see her basically only when we get together for group dinners w/ our girlfriends, or brunch w/ our husbands, etc.

I think this is bizarre - I mean I'm hanging out w/ relative strangers all day rather than one of my best friends for the past 15 years. But, this friend has always been difficult, getting mad about crazy things (example: after college she didn't talk to me for 6 months b/c I moved to NY from DC where she was and she thought I was abandoning her), is very competative, and I'm sure she has her own wacky reasons for her behavior which I won't even guess at. However, she's taken this so far as to not invite me or J to her daughter's 1st birthday party. She's inviting her daughter's "friends". I'm of the opinion that a 1 year old has little idea who her friends are, but more importantly, why can't J be counted among them!

I don't want to sound petty telling her I'm p!ssed that she didn't invite me to her kid's bday party. To me this is part of a bigger issue. I'm also afraid she'll never fess up to what's really causing her to act crazy (I have a feeling it's some neurotic thing she'll never admit to), but at the same time I want her to know I think it's really rude. I'm at the point where I'm ready to cut her out of my life b/c I don't have the time or energy for these games and she's causing me more upset than enjoyment. She's got a habit of finding her way back into my life when she has a problem but disappearing when things are good. What would you do?

charmcitygirl · April 2012

I actually have a friend just like this. She and I started trying to have kids at the same time and said how fun it would be to have them together! Well, it took me a year and it took her a month, so her son is a year older than Jacob.

She and I have a similar relationship to you guys where you are doing similar things - parks, playdates, lunches, etc, but just doing them not together. I totally agree that its bizarre and weird.

But I've kind of just learned to accept it. I've invited her to a bunch of things and its never been reciprocated. It definitely bothered me at first, but then I just sort of resigned myself to "this is the way that it is."

If its really bothering you and you really want to spend more time together, why don't you talk to her about how you're feeling and see if there really is a reason or perhaps she just thinks you're doing your thing and she's doing her thing.

rockvillebride · April 2012

I hope there's more to the story than this, but if she didn't invite you guys to her kid's birthday party, is inviting other non-family people to the birthday party, and there's no restriction on the number of people that can come (i.e. she's having it at a place that only holds 6 people), I'd be super annoyed in your shoes. I vote for saying something if you are prepared for the fall-out. Unless, she has a perfectly logical explanation for the lack of invitation, the conversation is probably not going to go well for your friendship unfortunately.

Sorry you have to deal with this!

Soon2beMrs.Sivert · April 2012

I think she's being childish and crazy. I really believe there is some underlying issue and I'd call her on it. From there I'd decide if we can work through it or not.

However, I'm of the mindset that I don't want my daughters around people who aren't genuinely happy to be in their company. I wouldn't want that negative energy around my child and if she has a history of drama perhaps it is better this way.

DeputiesWife · April 2012

I deal with sometime similar in my circle of friends here. In the sense I always invite and it is never recpricated. I see pcitures all over FB and think, why werent we invited. I began to think it was somethng I did and got upset about it. But then I got over it and just realize it is what it is.

I still invite them places but thats just how I am.

These arent my BFFs as they live miles away. However, if it was, I would ask them whats up and my feelings would be hurt for sure if I wasnt invited to their childs birthday party. I suppose its because we all invite each other, even though it is pretty certain we wont make it, to each others childrens birthday parties.

patchen30 · April 2012

rockvillebride:

I hope there's more to the story than this, but if she didn't invite you guys to her kid's birthday party, is inviting other non-family people to the birthday party, and there's no restriction on the number of people that can come (i.e. she's having it at a place that only holds 6 people), I'd be super annoyed in your shoes. I vote for saying something if you are prepared for the fall-out. Unless, she has a perfectly logical explanation for the lack of invitation, the conversation is probably not going to go well for your friendship unfortunately.

Sorry you have to deal with this!

I don't know details about the party, but I do know it's in NYC so I'm sure the per-head cost is a lot. I also know she's not inviting other friends of ours from college (we had a big, close group). However, I still thinks it's unreasonable not to invite me b/c a) our kids are so close in age b) I'm her closest friend from college and c) I live TWO blocks away. Like I said, to me it's part of a bigger issue.

Ali212 · April 2012

I've got to say that sounds so odd to me. If it were me and one of my friends was acting like that, I would probably not continue to be friends with her at all. I wouldn't be confrontational about it (just b/c that's NMS) but I would just sort of stop doing things one-on-one with her. I don't really follow why she wouldn't want to be friends with you in various facets of your lives (with kids and without). The reality is our children do become a big part of our lives once they are here so why would she essentially want to carve friends out of her life just b/c of that?? And, I think it's really odd she didn't invite you to her daughter's first birthday but I guess it's not that odd given everything else you explained.

I'm sorry I don't have great advice since I haven't been through anything like that but my sense is I would basically write off that friend (at least in terms of making an effort to do things with them, etc). I just think life is too short to have someone in your life that doesn't make you feel good for whatever reason and she's excluding you, for no real reason. I'm sorry you're going through this with a close friend.

LVBlvd · April 2012

I used to have a friend just like this. (I say used to, because we are no longer friends because of it). Stupid things like:

she wouldn't tell me where her DD did gymnastics because that was HER DD's thing. She wouldn't tell me where she got a cute outfit for her DD because she didn't want Paige to have it too. Never wanted her friends to be friends with eachother. She wanted to keep everyone in little compartments in her life.

People like that sketch me out. I stopped calling her, stopped inviting her to things. And things are much nicer for me because of it.

A & T - TTC · April 2012

I think you are right, there is something more to it, for sure. If you are to the point you are ready to call it quits anyway, I'd probably try to address it and see if you can figure out what is going on. Then you can decide if the friendship is worth fighting for or if it is time to move on.

CHI-06 · April 2012

It does seem odd to me too...if you guys were really that close of friends then I would just be open and talk to her about it. See what she has to say... if you don't get a very good answer and the games continue then maybe it is time to move on. I do have one friend that I was very close to in college and we were in eachothers weddings and I have cut her out...no longer invite her to stuff, email etc. If we see eachother through mutual friends we talk and stuff. But I just got tired of excuses she made and blowing me off for plans etc etc... a friendship shouldn't require so much effort just from one side...

patchen30 · April 2012

LVBlvd:
she wouldn't tell me where her DD did gymnastics because that was HER DD's thing. She wouldn't tell me where she got a cute outfit for her DD because she didn't want Paige to have it too. Never wanted her friends to be friends with eachother. She wanted to keep everyone in little compartments in her life.

This sounds just like the kind of thing she would do. One of our friends said maybe she doesn't want me to "steal" her mom friends. Is this 7th grade?!

patchen30 · April 2012

LVBlvd:
she wouldn't tell me where her DD did gymnastics because that was HER DD's thing. She wouldn't tell me where she got a cute outfit for her DD because she didn't want Paige to have it too. Never wanted her friends to be friends with eachother. She wanted to keep everyone in little compartments in her life.

This sounds just like the kind of thing she would do. One of our friends said maybe she doesn't want me to "steal" her mom friends. Is this 7th grade?!

dana316 · April 2012

I would have to know the reason WHY she is acting this way.

I'd invite her for coffee, and have a discussion...

chocolatechip06 · April 2012

If you are ready to potentially end your friendship over this I would ask her about this/call her out on it. It seems very petty and childish on her part.

It sounds like you might be better off without having to deal with her drama.

Dragonfly1226 · April 2012

chocolatechip06:
If you are ready to potentially end your friendship over this I would ask her about this/call her out on it. It seems very petty and childish on her part.
It sounds like you might be better off without having to deal with her drama.

I agree with this 100%.

KiKiGee · April 2012

I agree with the pps...

What I've learned as I've gotten older is to try and understand what people can add to your life... What they, as individuals, are capable of. Which is not necessarily what you want or need from them. Once you come to terms with what they can offer toward a relationship you can set your expectations in a frame that helps keep you from being disappointed. That's easier said than done when you've known people a long time and love them, I know.

I can tell you that I have had similar people in my life, some I have let fade, others ive been able to accept that they will always be (insert behavior here.... Ie: not be into kids, only call when she is bored, will always try to one-up, etc, etc) and reframe because what they add to my life (always willing to help on one of my charity committees, super awesome coworker, loves my family/baby, is just a really great time when we finally do get together, etc....) weighs heavier.

In your case, can you identify where this friend adds to your life and see realistically where the balance is? Sounds to me like she just isn't worth it, as sad as that may be ...

Good luck,

ladychicago · April 2012

I now have the mindset that I am too old for drama filled friendships or friendships that involve a lot of dancing around or passive aggressive emotion wrangling. We are all adults now and there just isnt time for the games. If I think a friend's odd or hurtful behavior is a symptom of a more serious underlying issue, I would call them out on it (with kindness) rather than continue to ignore or enable the behavior. If that makes any sense.

I totally think it could be a "not wanting you to steal her friends/activities" or wanting to have her "own" spaces for mom friends and kid activities. But I would do one of two things about it: get over it and let the friendship go or bring it up directly and get to the heart of the issue. If you decide to talk to her about it, I would approach it from the angle of how her behavior makes you FEEL, rather than it being odd or weird. If she realizes how hurtful her actions have been, she may be more likely to explain her rationale or change her behavior.

Good luck...I know how much situations like this can hurt.

emiannie · April 2012

Dragonfly1226:
chocolatechip06:
If you are ready to potentially end your friendship over this I would ask her about this/call her out on it. It seems very petty and childish on her part.
It sounds like you might be better off without having to deal with her drama.
I agree with this 100%.

Me too.

BunnyintheYard · April 2012

Oh I'd totally call her out in it. That's so rude. A birthday party?! She must either be wildly insecure or just a ***. Either way, not cool.

lrrb · April 2012

My SIL is like this. She never invited me to "mommy" things when we had K and E and I just had to learn to live with it. It hurt really bad and I would never do a few things that she did but shes also really competivative and honestly I'm better off making my own mommy friends (which I did and I know you did too). I think you just need to cut your losses - I know I did and things are MUCH better now that I just accept that we will never be "mommy friends". It is what it is.

Want a personalized experience?

How Would You Handle This Situation W/ A Friend?

Re: How Would You Handle This Situation W/ A Friend?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards