What do you and DH/SO fight about?

LVBlvd · April 2012

My husband and I get along very well, always have. We have a lot on common, enjoy the same things, have the same sense of humor, etc. And we never fight about money. And neither one of us gets jealous (or has ever had a reason to be jealous). We have no in-law drama. We parent the same way.

But I am so sick of fighting about the time he spends away from home.

An example from this morning, and this is how it goes pretty much every time:

he calls me and tells me he is going out for drinks after work Wednesday then to the basketball game. (this means he won't see the kids at all that day and I will be with them from sun up to bedtime with no help).

I say, "are you serious? You haven't seen the kids since Wednesday. You were out of town playing golf and at a tournament all weekend, missed Easter, missed my family dinner, and now you say you are going out again Wednesday? Absolutely not."

So from here, he gets annoyed that I "tell him what to do" and I need to relax, etc. Back and forth for 30 minutes, I'm upset and he is pissed.

Then, he finally realizes that is crazy, he shouldn't go. He apologizes to me, says he gave the tickets away, you are so right, I don't know what I was thinking, etc.

Fine. But I am getting tired of the same thing happening over and over! I wish he would just realize what he should do before we fight about it.

I know this sounds petty, and he is a great husband to me. Really. And like I said, he always realizes and prioritizes me/the kids.

So - I'm curious of other couples tend to have the same fights over and over.

krissyh21 · April 2012

Yep. Sometimes I think the "sorry" sometimes comes as a way to passify me, more than him REALLY thinking about it and figuring out that it was really "wrong". KWIM?

Most of our fights revolve around his not thinking lol

Sarafuss · April 2012

DH and I don't fight often but when we do it's over stupid things. It's usually because I'm stressed and flip out over something small.

For example: We both work full time and I do the bedtime routine every night (not complaining I love doing it since that's the only time I see DS all day). After that I end up cleaning the kitchen and or folding laundry. Some nights DH sits and watches TV after dinner while I put DS to bed and clean and then he gets up and says, "I'm going to bed." I get pissed because he did nothing and left me to get DS's diaper bag packed and ready for the morning. It takes like 5 minutes but it drives me crazy that he doesn't think to help me out and get it ready before he goes to bed.

He usually says, I'm sorry I didn't think about it. It drives me nuts that he doesn't think to do these things and I have to tell him. I have a running list of things to do every day and apparently he doesn't lol. After I get mad he will help me out for a few days and then get lazy again. And the fight occurs again. When will they learn?

EmilyAnne · April 2012

I can empathize a bit with you and your H. My dad was gone a lot when we were kids for business related outings, dinners, trips, drinks, etc. It was really stressful on my mom when we were younger. It got easier as we got older and more self sufficient.

My mom put her foot down on non-mandatory (don't know how else to say that) functions like drinks with the guys after work because she needed him at home. She understood the business trips and schmoozing clients at dinner stuff. And the occasional b.day party drinks after work every now and then. She's told me their marriage was stuggeling when he was gone a lot and she had to put a stop to it to save the marriage and her sanity.

We fight about money - I think all couples do. H's parents are divorced...and hate each other, so we bicker a bit about holiday logistics or who to invite to Conor's b.day party and who comes over another time. Because God forbid they be in the same room for the sake of their grandkid.

itsmevkb · April 2012

Yep, we do, over fishing. I have such mixed emotions over it and at times it bothers me far more than other times. DH is an awesome husband and father and so often I feel as though I can't really complain about him fishing since he does so much, like getting the kids off to the babysitter and school every morning, handling doctor's appointments, doing all the yard work, cooking dinner, etc. But then, other times, I feel as though I do just as much as he does and I would never dream of leaving the house at 4:00am and not returning until 8:00pm and expecting him to take care of everything with the kids while also working at his job all day.

If I'm 100% honest, I think I resent that my husband doesn't have to work over the summers (he's a college professor) and so I'm jealous that he gets to spend his days leisurely fishing while I'm working. And, that when he does go fishing, it means I'm not just working at my job but also 100% responsible for the kids in the morning and at night.

And, also related to fishing, he does guide trips where people pay for him to take them out fishing. I'll say "you just went fishing" and then we'll fight because he'll correct me and say "no, that trip was a guide trip, I was working." In my mind though he might be helping other people fish but in the end he still gets to fish too.

Fishing morphs into our other issue as well which is his parents. His dad is constantly trying to get my husband to go on another 10 day long Canadian fly-in fishing trip and I keep saying no way.

artygirl · April 2012

We fight because DH does not have a lot of tact and because I take everything as criticism. I guess it really isn't fighting, but bickering. I think he is too critical and he thinks I'm too sensitive. Both of us are right. (but I'm more right than him!)

etoyama · April 2012

I'm glad your DH realized he was being unreasonable! But to answer your question, yes we fight about the same things every time. Thankfully we hardly ever argue because neither of us is good at it

ladychicago · April 2012

We rarely fight, too. Mostly, when we do, it is over the kids (how to approach a problem/issue with them) or random stupid stuff, usually brought on by poor communication or a misunderstanding. Like him assuming I am mad about something when I am not or me being too passive aggressive when I ask him to do something.

RoxBride · April 2012

DH and I always have the same 2 fights over and over. Why we can't stop, I don't know. We rarely fight, but when we do it is either because:

- I hate to be followed in the car. It makes me nervous, and a bad driver. If we need to take 2 cars somewhere, fine, just you go on your own, and I'll see you there. Don't follow me. DH says he gets it, but then we'll be headed out somewhere (often with his parents and he'll hop in the other car and say 'we'll follow' you. I hate it.

-We'll decide we are leaving for someplace at 8:40. At 8:20 he'll be getting in the car with DD all loaded up. Ummm, I need to comb and dry my hair and gather things. WTF?

JustaKidAtHeart · April 2012

We most often fight about his parents and their lack of respect at our parenting choices. DH has trouble sticking up for us and MIL likes to try and play us (asking me something and if I dont give the answer she thinks is right she will ask DH)

readyin07 · April 2012

We bicker sometimes over kid issues and who does more. But we FIGHT about money. Not often, but it's a huge stress in our marriage and in my life.

GreenEyedGal · April 2012

Fine. But I am getting tired of the same thing happening over and over! I wish he would just realize what he should do before we fight about it.

No joke, we JUST had a fight about your statement above a few days ago.

We go through phases where it seems we fight everyday for a week and then we're good for a few months and rotate. Usually it's about him helping me out with chores, or at least not being so messy.

PrincessShay80 · April 2012

We fight about my husbands family- they are such a hot mess! With the exception of my MIL I wish I could write off the rest of them. They have tons of drama, are always hitting us up for money, and most of them have had drug problems and been in and out of jail and I do not want my children around those kinda people. My husband has slowly learned just how toxic they are- which has made him be more agreeable to us moving back to NC- which will put us a lot closer to my parents and in the same town as my sister and BIL. After years of fighting about this- we are on track to move in the next year- we are going to start looking for houses this summer.

We also fight about money, DH is a saver and I'm a spender that doesnt' look at price tags, and who is shops all the time (I don't think there is a day that I don't buy something). We have learned how to deal with this issue in our relationship, and it's gotten better- but it's still something that will come up from time to time. I don't buy things we can't afford, but I also refuse to ask permission before I buy something- I usually end up saying " I work , you work, we make plenty of money, if I want to buy something I'm going to do it" and that's where the argument starts. DH could win the mega millions and he would still be worried about money. I have also learned to accept that.

Dragonfly1226 · April 2012

artygirl:
We fight because DH does not have a lot of tact and because I take everything as criticism. I guess it really isn't fighting, but bickering. I think he is too critical and he thinks I'm too sensitive. Both of us are right. (but I'm more right than him!)

This is dh and I exactly. He has a sarcastic sense of humor, and I am very sensitive.

Dochas · April 2012

LVBlvd:
My husband and I get along very well, always have. We have a lot on common, enjoy the same things, have the same sense of humor, etc. And we never fight about money. And neither one of us gets jealous (or has ever had a reason to be jealous). We have no in-law drama. We parent the same way.
But I am so sick of fighting about the time he spends away from home.
An example from this morning, and this is how it goes pretty much every time:
he calls me and tells me he is going out for drinks after work Wednesday then to the basketball game. (this means he won't see the kids at all that day and I will be with them from sun up to bedtime with no help).
I say, "are you serious? You haven't seen the kids since Wednesday. You were out of town playing golf and at a tournament all weekend, missed Easter, missed my family dinner, and now you say you are going out again Wednesday? Absolutely not."
So from here, he gets annoyed that I "tell him what to do" and I need to relax, etc. Back and forth for 30 minutes, I'm upset and he is pissed.
Then, he finally realizes that is crazy, he shouldn't go. He apologizes to me, says he gave the tickets away, you are so right, I don't know what I was thinking, etc.
Fine. But I am getting tired of the same thing happening over and over! I wish he would just realize what he should do before we fight about it.
I know this sounds petty, and he is a great husband to me. Really. And like I said, he always realizes and prioritizes me/the kids.
So - I'm curious of other couples tend to have the same fights over and over.

Would it be possible to try discuss it before it happens? I know it's still annoying that he doesn't think of it on his own. But it might still help you. Like, if when he planned this weekend - leaving you alone with the kids and a holiday - maybe you could say 'okay, that's good. Just remember that that's a lot for me to take on so I'm going to need you around the following week to help me recover'.

Edited to add mine - we rarely fight but sometimes I swear he thinks he's perfect and we'll fight about that. Honestly - he probably doesn't. I really might just be misinterpreting some words and actions.

oooCarrieB · April 2012

We do not argue much, but usually when we do it's because DH gets really involved in his work and I feel that he is ignoring me or I ask him to change his clothes or cut his hair or shave because he looks sloppy and he gets really irritated with me.

I'm honestly not trying to be rude, but it's like he just doesn't realize when he looks messy or he'll wear like a striped shirt and plaid shorts... seriously, that doesn't match! ugh!

lrrb · April 2012

I totally get where you are coming from. I would be pissed too. That seems like "normal" male behavior for sure and I know he is a very loving father/husband to you and your kids for sure.

For us it's mostly work related. He's a pastor/worship pastor and works a lot of nights. It's really hard on me at night and he knows that but there are MANY nights he won't be home until 10:00 or later (bc he's just hanging out talking to random people which I understand he needs to do a lot of times haha) but by then I want to be in bed bc I know I have to be up and ready by 7 or earlier the next morning. We also fight about him buying guitar stuff. I swear he buys/sells more guitar stuff than anyone I know...it drives me NUTSSSSS. I just want him to be satisfied once and for all - he promised me he would go on a year long "fast" of buying stuff for his guitars but we will see how long that last haha.

I think we are both very lucky when it comes to our men - but that doesn't mean we don't all have our issues haha. Also we started to go to our church counselor (she's on site) and we ADORE her. We have learned SO much about each other and I swear I've fallen in love with my husband on a whole new level. We didn't start going bc there was a problem, we started bc we wanted to always put our marriage first - its been SUCH a blessing to me that he wants to go and values the time we spend there together. Its BETTER than a date night, trust me. Have yall ever thought about going just to learn each other better. I swear every single couple should just go for the heck of it...its amazing.

LisaandBryan · April 2012

We will go long periods of time witthout figitng and then it seems like we are fighting forweekson end.Most of our fights are kind of like yours-the time he spends away from the house for his "me" itme. Id on't mind if he doesthings but sometimes itseems like a lot. We also fight because I feel like he criticizes my paretnign when I get frustrated and loose patience with teh boys and he just tells me I'm being senstiive.

Luckily we don't dont fight about money or jealouy or family or anything like that...

patchen30 · April 2012

The common theme argument in our marriage would be over DH's procrastination or my spaciness. I get annoyed that he takes forever to do things (hang pictures on the wall, plan our honeymoon, etc.), and he gets annoyed that I'm ditsy and do spacy things (I have a million examples!).

But, since we've had a baby, we fight more. We're both exhausted, we have no time for ourselves, and we have slightly different parenting philosophies. I'm all about research (i.e. read all the sleep books) and he's all about "winging it." He thinks I'm too anal and by the book, and I think he's operating from a place of ignorance. He also thinks I should focus on other things besides the baby and truthfully, I think he doesn't like not being #1 anymore.

charmcitygirl · April 2012

We don't fight a lot, but when we do its mostly because he's been working a lot and that leaves me with little time with him or to myself. Its not fair of me to get annoyed at him since it is him who pays all the bills with me staying at home, but I miss him and I dread the days when its just me alone with Jacob (and now Daniel).

I guess its good to want to spend time with your husband, right?!

roselln2 · April 2012

Same thing here. We rarely fight, but when we do, it's the same thing every time. I get so frustrated because he does everything halfway. It manifests itself in different things. He leaves tupperware containers open in the fridge or pantry. He will take out a load of diapers and put them in the basket for me to fold (which is fine because I like folding the diapers) without noticing they aren't fully dry or that they weren't properly cleaned and need to be re-run. He'll mow the lawn or something and leave little spiked sections throughout the lawn.

I will admit that I'm overly detailed oriented, but I swear that it's like he walks around doing these things with his eyes closed. I don't understand how he doesn't notice all the crazy lawn mohawks that he leaves. Ha!

To be fair, he is very helpful around the house. It's these little things that just keep on piling up in my mind until I explode, we fight, he promises to try to be more detailed. Wash, rinse, repeat.

DeputiesWife · April 2012

we argue about him forgetting to tell me about work obligations.

sometimes argue about discipline for DD.

money.

that I am not affectionate enough and we dont have sex often enough.

GypsyEsq · April 2012

We tend to fight about miscommunications - I'm sure I've told him we have to do x on Saturday and so when I say on Saturday time to leave he says "what?" and we argue. So we've tried keeping a calendar. Which is fine, but he still doesn't read it. We also now have more arguments about things my Mom does that he swears his Mom would never do. And one I've just resorted to "losing" - he never waits for people to sit down at the dinner table before he starts eating. I think it's very rude, he just doesn't see it as a big deal. We do argue about that one quite a bit, or used to, but now I'm just over it, if he's rude then it's all on him. Not me. I'm not his mother.

Thankfully we rarely disagree about DD. Or about spending time as a family. But we're both generally home bodies and tend to agree about how to spend our free time.

dulcinea03 · April 2012

9 times out of 10, we fight about his family, specifically his dad. His dad is a 'social' drinker, and maintains that because he doesn't start before 5pm, he doesn't have a problem. My issue is the 12-16oz of whiskey he consumes every evening, and the belligerance that comes with it. And I don't want it around our kids, particularly when I'm not around. So nearly all of our fights revolve around why we spend so much time with my parents and not his, and why I don't trust his dad.

It has gotten better since the week they were with us at Christmas and DH watched his dad kill an entire gallon of whiskey by himself, but it still causes tension.

CJ71903 · April 2012

When we argue, it's usually about DH's "presence" even when he is home. Sometimes I feel like he can't leave his work at work and is either answering calls, texts, emails at home or just phased out and can't seem to really be "here" enjoying our family time. When we argue about something, it's usually about this.

I'm not sure if you've read this book, but "The F.ive L.ove L.anguages" is great and has helped us.

steveandkim2 · April 2012

patchen30:

But, since we've had a baby, we fight more. We're both exhausted, we have no time for ourselves, and we have slightly different parenting philosophies. I'm all about research (i.e. read all the sleep books) and he's all about "winging it." He thinks I'm too anal and by the book, and I think he's operating from a place of ignorance. He also thinks I should focus on other things besides the baby and truthfully, I think he doesn't like not being #1 anymore.

This is us! We never fought pre-baby, so now it seems amplified! C doesn't sleep through the night yet, so that's not helping. And its the same fight..I'm very much into attachment parenting and have read every book on the subject. DH just wants to do whatever gets the baby to sleep through the night. He also thinks I'm obsessing about being the "perfect" mother (which is probably true--I can take things to the extreme when I'm passionate) and that I need to have more going on in my life than the baby. I think he's trying to take the easy way out by introducing things I don't agree with and just looking to find more ways to have more time to do what he used to do pre-baby. We just can't see eye to eye on some of these things which scares me because I know we need to be on the same page when it comes time to discipline, etc.

alchris · April 2012

Great question! Not exactly fun, but a good discussion!

We fight about the things that DH says he's going to do and then doesn't. He doesn't think it's a big deal, and meanwhile I feel I can't trust him because he breaks so many promises.

We argue about ILs, but thankfully that doesn't come up that often.

It's funny you ask this today because it was a year ago today that I found out that DH had been going behind my back with something, and the short version is that our marriage has pretty much sucked ever since. I hate that this is the marriage we're modeling to our girls. Awful, I know.

dana316 · April 2012

Yep, we fight about the same thing over and over.

My DH can have a crappy attitude..and tends to talk 'less than respectfully' to me, at times. It is not really what you'd call verbally abusive, I guess...just a crappy attitude and a smart mouth from time to time. It annoys me to no end. I've told him over and over that I want a life filled with joy, not pessimism, bad attitudes and sarcasm.

That is our only issue. We used to fight about sex, but we really don't anymore.

He is a great husband, and a great father...I can't complain about much...and honestly, his attitude has improved a TON since we've been back in church. I've seen a huge change in him in the last year.

naflmj · April 2012

We fight about the amount of time he spends on his hobbies, mainly rock and ice climbing. He says he needs to do it more so he can get better, I don't really care how good he gets at it if he's missing time with his son and slacking around the house. He also spends a ridiculous amount of money on it because "it could save my life" which I wouldn't care so much about but he's been really stingy about money since we found out we'll be paying for 3 kids in childcare. So yea, we've been fighting more about money too...I mean I spend what I think is reasonable and it's never a full on fight but he doesn't see my buying cute clothes for the kids or myself as being "important" while his things always seem to be.

naflmj · April 2012

EmilyAnne:
I can empathize a bit with you and your H. My dad was gone a lot when we were kids for business related outings, dinners, trips, drinks, etc. It was really stressful on my mom when we were younger. It got easier as we got older and more self sufficient.

My mom put her foot down on non-mandatory (don't know how else to say that) functions like drinks with the guys after work because she needed him at home. She understood the business trips and schmoozing clients at dinner stuff. And the occasional b.day party drinks after work every now and then. She's told me their marriage was stuggeling when he was gone a lot and she had to put a stop to it to save the marriage and her sanity.

We fight about money - I think all couples do. H's parents are divorced...and hate each other, so we bicker a bit about holiday logistics or who to invite to Conor's b.day party and who comes over another time. Because God forbid they be in the same room for the sake of their grandkid.

Luckily mine don't hate each other but the way I see it, if they want to spend time with their grandchild, they will suck it the F* up Again, mine get along so I could be oversimplifying but that's just crazy that you'd need to worry about it on your end.

efooey · April 2012

We argue about his priorities. I always feel like work is more important than me/us. Sometimes I'm right and he picks work over us but sometimes it is me being ovr sensitive.

MonkeysGirl05 · April 2012

The last BIG fight we had was over rather or not we should purchase more land. We live in a rural area and already have (what I think) is a lot of land, but he wants more and I don't really think we need to spend the money (it impacts my ability to quit work at some point if I want).

Then we bicker over other things... usually something around scheduling. He'll forget to tell me about a work trip (or tell me late). He also hunts a lot in the fall and I get irritated with the lack of help around the house at that time.

Ali212 · April 2012

We don't fight often but I would say most of our arguments recently (or at least that I can recall) have been about discipline-type things with our children (really our older daughter since our 14-month-old doesn't really factor into this yet). My husband is definitely more relaxed about things than me and while I'm okay being the bad cop or stricter parent, it bothers me when he and I aren't exactly on the same page. We usually end up coming to the same place but the reality is he is just more laid back than I am and so we end up arguing a bit on how we approach discipline things and then realize we're on the same page.

desabean · April 2012

Our fights are like yours...sort of. Usually it is during football season since he has season tickets (well, we do, but it just makes no sense for me to go with a 2 year old/pregnant/etc.) and I am with G alone all day...which is exhausting but more importantly I get ticked about not having family time and/or the time that he needs to do stuff around the house. So, then on Sunday he needs to spend all day catching up on chores (and watching NFL football) and the whole weekend feels like a bust to me.

But, I will tell you, I would lose my shiit if he tried to pull a "going to the Masters for 4/5 days and then 2 days later going out with the boys thing". Not to say he wouldn't try it (though that might be bold even for him). Right now He is using the the upcoming birth as an excuse to go out every chance he can, saying he won't get to do it soon....and while I go along for the most part, it sort of annoys me too.

Otherwise it is about stuff not getting done around the house for other reasons. He always over promises and under delivers. I will ask him to do something (change a light switch to a dimmer for example) and he will say "fine, I can do that tomorrow, it will only take 10 minutes".....well, he realizes he needs a part and has to go to Home depot and 2 months later I'm still waiting for that 10 minute job to get done and meanwhile 30 other things now need to be done.

alchris · April 2012

desabean:
Otherwise it is about stuff not getting done around the house for other reasons. He always over promises and under delivers. I will ask him to do something (change a light switch to a dimmer for example) and he will say "fine, I can do that tomorrow, it will only take 10 minutes".....well, he realizes he needs a part and has to go to Home depot and 2 months later I'm still waiting for that 10 minute job to get done and meanwhile 30 other things now need to be done.

You're not alone! This is us, but change 2 months to 2 years. And of course everything becomes exponentially harder, more expensive, etc. the longer he waits, and as you said meanwhile other things fall further behind too. Pre-baby it's especially hard, knowing that time will soon become even more limited, so I empathize. Grrr. Hugs!

dundasgirl · April 2012

Well the only time we fight is when I have PMS. But that doesn't mean that I am totally to blame! LOL

My DH wants me to be happy all the time. And I am not happy all the time. Sometimes I am tired. Or stressed. He will pose this radical thought like that we move halfway across the country if it will make me happy. I don't need to move, I just need to have time to myself occasionally (mostly when I have PMS!).

But we did hire a baby-sitter recently which is helping. I have a dentist appointment this week which I have cancelled and rescheduled several times over the past year. DH has to work late on the day of my appointment. I almost cancelled it today and then I asked the baby-sitter if she was available and she is! Now I can go to the appointment and not argue with DH about how I can't even find time to get a filling!

I have to say DH and I get along soooo much better when we spend time together. If we aren't seeing enough of each other, we start to disconnect. We suck at talking on the phone.

Imanurse03 · April 2012

I'd be frustrated with your DH too. I'm glad he apologized. We disagree about money. It's nothing serious but I tend to like to spend it and he doesn't. Fortunately it's not a huge issue but it does come up occasionally.

MayDayGirl · April 2012

RoxBride:
DH and I always have the same 2 fights over and over. Why we can't stop, I don't know. We rarely fight, but when we do it is either because:

- I hate to be followed in the car. It makes me nervous, and a bad driver. If we need to take 2 cars somewhere, fine, just you go on your own, and I'll see you there. Don't follow me. DH says he gets it, but then we'll be headed out somewhere (often with his parents and he'll hop in the other car and say 'we'll follow' you. I hate it.

-We'll decide we are leaving for someplace at 8:40. At 8:20 he'll be getting in the car with DD all loaded up. Ummm, I need to comb and dry my hair and gather things. WTF?

Lol we fight bc I am getting in the car at 8:20 and he hasn't even showered yet! I hate being late! It's funny seeing a different perspective!

cjsbdl · April 2012

Yep, we fight CONSTANTLY about the division of responsibilities around our house. I get that I'm a SAHM and am responsible for most of the management of household, and that he has a stressful and demanding outside-the-home job...but I feel like he doesn't pull his weight at home (with household duties...not parenting...he's great with the parenting). I mean, come one...we're both busy and overworked, but I CANNOT handle all the houshold duties/maintenance/upkeep by myself. I just can't. I have tried everything from nagging to calendars to email reminders, but he still doesn't really contribute consistently, and it drives me NUTSO!!! We argue about this on a weekly basis.

DrVWife · April 2012

We used to fight all.the.time. but have gotten better at communicating. We are by no means perfect and we still fight occasionally and it is always over something ridiculously stupid. For us it tends to be family involvement...or lack there of.

His mother begged for a grandchild, we finally have DD and now she seems somewhat uninterested. Granted we live about a 11 hour drive away from them but she does not work. She promised that she was going to visit while he was deployed...3 different times...and never made it down. It took over 2 weeks to get a firm yes from her about coming down for DD's birthday/baptism but only 12 hours to decide on taking a cruise just a couple of weeks before. Good to see where the priorities lie!

That is just one example...and that is not even a truly bad one. DH actually mostly agrees with me on this one...he just has no problem with them going on a cruise. I think it is ridiculous.

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