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Blended Families
Cheerilee
member
Not BF-related, but you guys are "safe"
Cheerilee
member
I little bit ago, I wrote about DH's fear that I would love LO more than SS.
Fast forward to now. We found out that LO is not actually a boy, but a girl, at our anatomy scan. I think that fact settled DH a little bit because the incidence for autism is less in girls than boys. Since then, he's asked more "how's our little girl doing" and things like that. Super cute. So Friday, we had our appointment to get the results of our ultrasound. LO has a bright spot on her heart which is a soft marker for Downs Syndrome. She called it an Echogenic intracardiac focus. It's not anything that's effecting her heart, from what I understand. It's just a white spot. More often than not, they go away and mean nothing. I read a study that said out of ~24,000 women, ~700 of the ultrasounds had the EIF. Out of those 700, only one was born with Downs Syndrome. I had blood drawn for genetic testing. It was actually the last week they could run these tests. We have to wait for the results until Wednesday.
I'm terrified. DH is terrified. DH sees it as a death sentence - it's the death of the perfect child all over again. I don't know how much more I can handle. I love SS to death. But he isn't always the easiest child to parent. He will have to live with us as an adult, college and marriage are distant dreams. I'm OK with that. I knew this coming into the marriage. But, could I do this for two children? I mean, I know it's not a choice. But still... I'm terrified.
Then there's DH talking about trying again (we didn't try THIS time, but he's using 'again') if LO has Downs. I couldn't do this again. There are too many what-ifs. And DH feels guilty that perhaps he doesn't "shoot well". Yes, he used those words. I don't want him to feel like it's his fault, that he caused SS's autism or LO to have these issues. It's frustrating. I'm young-ish (ok, 30), healthy, active, educated. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't planned so I thought it was a "meant to be" situation.
I'm totally venting. I know the odds are more in my favor because more often than not this EIF is nothing. I've read and heard tons of stories that it happens and nothing comes of it. But I'm scared and am trying to stay positive and strong and stress free. It's hard, though. So thanks for letting me vent.
"To be able to practice five things everywhere under heaven constitutes perfect virtue...gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness."
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Re: Not BF-related, but you guys are "safe"
I hope you don't mind me responding. I'm from a blended family (my parents are divorced and remarried) so I lurk here occasionally.
I know it's impossible but try not to worry too much (so much easier to say then do I know) but odds are this is nothing and your daughter is perfect.
I don't know if you've ever read this but it's an amazing story of a mom whose 2nd daughter was born with downs and how she felt processed that new reality, she didn't find out until birth.
It might reassure you that eveything you're felling is 100% normal.
https://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html
Sending Lots of healthy thoughts and prayers for your daughter.
Of course I don't mind you responding. I actually had not read that site before. Thank you for that and for the thoughts and prayers. I know what I feel is normal, but I feel like it SHOULDN'T be normal. It makes me feel like an awful person.
Of course you're not awful. You have dreams for this baby and you've just found out all those dreams might have to change.
I heard a SN parent call it going to Holland.
He compares it to planning a trip to Italy then when you land finding out you're in Holland. There's nothing wrong with Holland but it's not the trip to Italy you were expecting and there's an adjustment as you give up Italy and adjust to Holland and discover all the wonderful and not so great things Holland has to offer.
I will keep you in my prayers & tell you what happened in my case.
At my first u/s in March, they saw a similar mark on our LO's heart, and cysts in the brain. The cysts by themselves are not generally considered a "big deal", but because we had another soft marker the doctor was concerned. I went for a level 2 u/s a couple weeks ago, and they found nothing. Everything was completely resolved (if it had been there in the first place). I will pray that you get the same good news I did.
ps: I told my mom before we went: "I will love this baby just as much if he has Downs/Trisonomy/etc, but I just want him to have an easier time in life".
This is me, too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I've shared stories like that I have read online and they have calmed DH. He actually found out that the same thing happened with one of his friends and his son was born sans Downs Syndrome. The stories calm me a little, but there's always the worry. Having somewhere to talk it out really helps. I don't want to take my extra worries to DH because he's in such a good place with being convinced everything will be OK right now.
I know it's not the sibling's responsibility, but when we found out I was expecting I thought "This is a blessing. We always worried who would make sure SS had the best care when we pass away. Now, he'll have a sibling to look out for his best interest." But with two children with SN, it scares me even more. I know it will work out how it's supposed to. I just prefer one scenario over the other.
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
My Zachary had the SAME thing. They sent us for a level 2 U/S which confirmed the spot.
The level 2 ultrasound tech said "I wish they didn't even concern mothers with this, in all the years I have been doing this I have NEVER seen an EIF linked to anything, much less down syndrome."
I delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy. Please try to not be terrified. They occur so often in the Asian ethnicity that it isn't even called to attention.
Please stop counting out college and dreams for your daughter at this point. She will probalby get to fulfill all those dreams and more.
Thank you ladies. It's so great to hear the stories of real people. This weekend I was preparing a lesson on working with parents of children with special needs. It made it so much harder to not worry trying to prepare slides on the grieving process parents go through. I should have asked the other girl in my program to cover this topic for me.
I'm usually a very positive person. I'm not sure what's up with me. You guys are a ton of help and I greatly appreciate that you allow me to vent my worries AND call me to reality. Thank you.
Here is the Going to Holland story:
https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
As for the rest, I hope that your DD is born totally healthy but also hope that if she is not that you can quickly find peace with it. We are here for you.
My dc (now 8) had a cord anomaly that can be associated with downs. It really made the second half of my pregnancy so so tough, but that was compounded by the fact that I had an un-supportive dh (now my exh). But really, as others have said, try to keep in mind that this is just a marker that in most cases ends up meaning nothing. DC is perfectly healthy even with the cord anomaly, so all that worry was for nothing. If this is going to upset you or your dh throughout the rest of your pregnancy, it might be worth it to do the amnio. When I found out about dc's cord problem it was too late (I was 28 weeks), and I wish I had been able to do the amnio to put my mind at ease.
But on another note... now that I have dc and I have experienced mother love I know that even if there had been anything wrong with dc, I would have loved them all the same and would have come to embrace the different path our life would have taken. I think with your first child, you have expectations in your mind about wanting to make everything 100% perfect for always, for that little one. Not for yourself, but for them- you want everything perfect for them. When you have that child you see that there is no such thing as perfection, and that you love the perfect and the not-so-perfect about them.
I think that was part of the reason that dc's cord anomaly, and the chance that dc could have downs, scared me so much... because the idea of that perfection that I had envisioned not being able to come true is a hard loss. This time around, pregnant with #2, I was not worried at all about the different tests for different disorders... I knew that for the most part, no matter what challenges were tossed at us with this child, we would be ok. I felt much more relaxed because I knew that that perfection is just not possible.
I don't know if this helps at all, or if I am expressing myself well, but I am trying to say that no matter what happens, you will embrace your little one because all lives have challenges in them. That being said, the chance that there is anything wrong is very small.