Single Parents
pregnant and found out husband was emotionally cheating
I just wanted to right this post to see if anyone has gone through a similar situation and what they would do if they were me. I have been married for 2 years in August. We have an almost 4 year old daughter and I am 13 weeks pregnant. We got pregnant young, we were both in our Senior year of high school. We were bound and determined to make a bad situation into a good one and to make our daughter's life the best it could be. We got married and everything seemed happy and perfect. Of course we had struggles, but who doesn't. Just recently, within the last 3-6 months our relationship lost the spark. Both of us felt it but it was never really spoken about because we were so busy with work, college, raising our daughter, etc. We ended up deciding to get pregnant because we felt it was the right time and it made sense (which was stupid of us looking back at it now). Well, I caught my husband texting a female he works with about 3 weeks ago. The conversation wasn't bad but I was uncomfortable with how much he was texting her. I confronted him and he said I had nothing to worry about. Well, turns out I did. After I talked to him he would delete all of his messages and it made me really worried. We have never had trust issues so this was really odd to me. One day I came home from work and looked at his phone and there was messages on there still so I read them. At the end of the conversation I read something that broke my heart, he told her he might love her. He ended up leaving and staying at a friends house to clear his head. I didn't want him to leave, I just wanted him to say sorry and say that it'll never happen again and that he will do whatever it takes to work things out. Anyway, he came back home 2 days later and he told me he stayed at a hotel the second day. The girl he said he might love drove him to the hotel and then drove him home the next day. He claims they did not stay together, but how am I supposed to believe anything he says? I was still hoping he'd say everything I'd wanted to hear but all he was saying was that he didn't mean to hurt me but he can't help that he has feelings for this girl and he thinks that we shouldn't be together anymore. I want to be able to keep my family together but the way he is acting now combined with what he did really has hurt me and I don't know if I can ever look at him the same. He ended up moving out of our apartment. The next morning I saw a facebook message between him and this girl and he said things to her like, "I can't describe how much fun I had with you this weekend." and "did you buy our song?" They were even planning a movie date and he said he wanted to cuddle with her and show her his romantic side. We have gotten to the point where we think divorce is the only option. He claims he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and I am so hurt and angry at him for what he did and is doing. I am just emotionally wrecked at this point. I work full time, go to school online full time, take care of our daughter, am pregnant, and now I am getting divorced. He can only see our daughter on his days off which is 2 days a week but he says once he gets his own place he wants 50/50 custody. I don't have money for an attorney and I don't want an ugly battle. I want him to pay me child support but I make more money than him. However, he doesn't see our daughter nearly as much as I do right now. I just don't know how to proceed with the divorce because I have never gone through anything like this. I am freaking out that I might lose time with my child(ren) and possibly might not get any support. I can barely afford to stay at our apartment without his income. Does anyone have any advice for me? I live in Wisconsin for anyone with legal advice. Anything would be appreciated because I am so lost with all of this! Thanks.
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Re: pregnant and found out husband was emotionally cheating
I was 5 months pregnant when I found out my XH was having an emotional affair. The next month they made it physical. Like you, I wanted him to apologize and say he was sorry and for us to work to make things better. Like your husband, he continued having feelings for her and lied to me and saw her behind my back. When separated shortly after my DS was born. My divorce will be final soon.
As far as support goes, it will depend on custody and income. I make more than XH and we have 50/50 custody. We came to an arrangement where he does not pay child support and even my lawyer agrees that it is better for both of us.
The hardest part at first was setting aside my great dislike of him and figuring out what is best for DS. Because as much as I wanted to keep DS to myself at first, I realized that is not what is best for him
I am actually scared of similar problems with my (at the moment) DH.
I do hope things work out for you. remember however that you have to think of whats best for the child, letting your Daughter and your new baby bond with their father is best for the children unless he is abusive or letting this new person around them.
I know its hard to do because of how angry you are with him, but remember that you're children have nothing to do with it and you will regret not letting them see their father.
This is a very difficult situation, and not one a pregnant lady should have to deal with. I am very sorry and feel for you.
I am in a different yet very similar situation. I was only married about 7 months when I found out my husband (now soon to be ex) was talking to another girl- a girl that had always been an issue between he and I. I had also found out I was pregnant so only about 6 or 7 weeks at that time. It wasn't the fact that he talked to another girl that bothered me, it was that he lied about it. I had asked him numerous times about it- even giving him details about what I knew and he continued to lie. Fast forward 3 months forward and come to find out he had lied to the other girl as well and now all that has happened with him and the situation I know I could never get over it so he and I will never be together again.
My best advice to you would be to take some time (and it might be more than a few weeks) and think about you. What you need and want. Also, think about if this is something you can forgive your husband for. If not, then don't even attempt to fix everything. Its not something to drag you, your children and even your husband through. Lastly, seek the advice of a therapist. They really do help. My husband and I went to a few session and though it didn't fix my marriage it did in the end make me realize things about myself that I needed to. Good luck to you and know that no matter the outcome it will be okay. It has to be, you may need to force it at times but you have to for your children.
I definitely think you need to see an attorney. Some of them provide work, pro bono.
Not to add insult to injury, but I wouldn't believe for a MOMENT that nothing physical happened. Please, she drove him to the hotel and left him there and then picked him up. I'm so sure. Not to be rude, at all, I've been there before, but you've got to wake up and smell the coffee here. This is not a good situation and BE GLAD you're done with the SOB.
In your situation, I wouldn't just give up. You have a family. He's not abusive to you or mean, but there is space that has been created. And with drama, and hurtful words it will only get larger and unrepairable. Have you asked him why he is doing this, what does he feel is lacking? What have you both done to try to fix it?
I feel so often we just give up when the going gets tough. (He emotionally checks out, which emotionally drains you trying to get him back). Yes, it hurts. But some things are worth fighting for. At this point - you have to think about your kids, not just you -- esp when it comes to divorce. Best of luck.