F/U MIL thinks she's entitled to time with DS- UPDATE!!
lorist202
member
We have begun trading off holidays, and this is the first one that ILs are the alternate family. (see original post)
I have stood my ground and made it clear that I will go out of my way to accommodate them on any other day, but they have to take their turn, just as my mother did on Christmas, and will again on a future holiday.
MIL has indicated, in no certain terms, that she will be at my house tomorrow morning for a brief visit with DS. She has outright ignored everything I said, and is completely disrespecting H and I.
My H has given up, and is just plain sick of battling it out with her. I can't really blame him. He will be at work when this takes place, however, and I have to deal with this situation myself.
These people will stop at NOTHING to get their own way. I need to make it CLEAR that this behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. All I want is a quiet morning for DS so he will NAP and not be tired for a long afternoon with my family.
I can't just not answer the door, they will keep coming back or worse yet, sit on my steps until I open it. I'm considering going to my mom's house early in the morning, but he will not nap there, and that alleviates the whole point of having him well rested.
WHAT DO I DO NOW!!!!!!!!
UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO... our Easter is over. MIL did NOT come over!!! PHEW
DH had a conversation about his mother and her lack of boundaries, and I made it clear that if he didn't handle her, I WOULD. Again, he called MIL.
He asked her again, "What day works for you?" and she replied, "Easter Sunday is no good?" (No you #&$#%@ it isn't). He told her that she's causing problems in our marriage (if I called the cops that would surely be true), and he "knows she wants what's best for DS" (yea right). On that note, could DS and and I please visit on another day? After all, I'm a SAHM and she's retired. We agreed on Tuesday. I'll be there from 2p.m. - 7 p.m. Ehh
Still, I didn't know what to expect this morning. DS went off to work at 7 a.m. and at 7:45, MIL called to wish DS and I a Happy Easter. She called from her home phone, and it's too early for her to leave the house, so I was safe. I answered to get it over with and show good intentions (I would NOT answer later in the morning, after all). We made small talk. She asked to talk to DS to wish him a Happy Easter. Oops! He closed my flip phone on her. He's a toddler. I felt confident that she wouldn't come by. If she did, I decided I would kick her out after 20 mins. and then tell her we won't be there on Tues. She never came. Thank goodness.
She will continue to push the boundaries and I will
continue to encourage DH to handle her, or as I say- I will. I'm
fiercely protective of my family, our privacy, and our decisions...
especially my son.
Re: F/U MIL thinks she's entitled to time with DS- UPDATE!!
For them to be going so far out of their way to disrespect your wishes is crazy. Frankly, I'd just call the police if they refuse to leave your property or keep coming back. I know it is extreme but they seem to be acting extreme also. Or inform them that if they come tomorrow, they relenquish rights to any other holidays and you will spend the rest for the year at your parents house.
Can you unplug or disconnect your doorbell? That way the commotion won't disrupt DS's nap. DO NOT wake him up or let them disrupt his sleep! Bad enough they are acting like lunatics, do not let it affect him.
Or go early to your parents and hope he sleeps in the car.
First off, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! We've done the whole 'spiting up the holiday dance' in the past, and also decided it is way too stressful
Second, I would highly recommend a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. These folks obviously have SERIOUS issues when it comes to respecting your boundaries, and I think this book will have some helpful suggestions for how to deal with them in a productive way. Good luck!
This is a consideration. There are condos at the end of my street. I would happily even park my car there.
I'm also considering calling the police and/or threatening to take away any remaining holidays. Great suggestions!
Thank you! I'm reserving it TODAY
There is NO way I would let that crazy b!tch set foot is my house with that blatant disregard for our wishes.
MY MIL got all bent because we were going out of town and asked someone else to watch DS. My H told her that hthe only thing her little tirade did was guarantee her less time with DS. It worked - she called me to apologize and never acted that way again,
I would have my H leave her a message saying that if she continues to disrespect the plan for the holidays, she will not see your LO. I would either take DS out to breakfast and go visit friends or pretend to not be home. If you give in and let her see him only for a few minutes, she will think she can railroad over any boundaries you ever try to set
I am so sorry you are dealing with this
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
Now I'm pissed at your husband. He is being as ridiculous as his Mother. He HAS to deal with this. He should tell her that if she is going to make every holiday this stressful that you will not be able to spend any time with her on future ones.
And there is no way this would happen. I would NOT let her see him. Go out to breakfast after church. Just a bagel store or donut shop so it isn't a big production. Maybe a short park visit and let her spend an hour stomping around your house looking in the windows. People who don't give a rat's @ss about ME don't get near my child. This woman clearly couldn't care less about you.
(Tongue in cheek) Spend the night at your Mom's with the PnP...
Just go over there and follow your normal AM routine as close as possible and you should be o.k. If you have to take the swing or bouncer along, that's fine and probably a good idea.
If you have to go for an early Easter morning drive with your LO in the carrier, so be it! It's one thing if you have an easy morning and call her up and say "if you want to come over for a few minutes, LO is having an easy morning", that's one thing, where you've expressly told her you have other plans, I would make sure you do the full day as well!
I agree with this. I also like the suggestion about saying that if she disrespects your wishes on this occasion, you will be spending all holidays with your family. She cannot be allowed to dictate when she gets to see you child. The other option is to let her come and refuse to get LO up while she is there.
My favorite suggestion so far!
Im sorry you have to deal with this and that your husband will be working. I would just be gone when she gets there. Will your LO nap in the car? I would drive until he fell asleep, drive through Starbucks and sit in the car (with the windows down of course) and read. Crazy lady can come and go as she pleases, LO gets a nap and you get some quiet time. Good luck!
Noel - August 2010
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I'd go to your mom's house. I'd take one day of crap nap to stick it to someone who is trying to force me to do something I don't want to do.
I'd also have YH leave a note on the door telling them how incredibly disappointed he is in her for choosing to come over and outline whatever consequence you guys decide on.
Honestly, I am so pissed for you. Who the hell does she think she is?
Whatever you do, you basically need to be out of the house the ENTIRE day. Your child WILL nap at some point it just may not be at his normal time or a convenient time for you. And really, although it would suck to have to deal with a super cranky pants for a day it would be well worth it to show your MIL that you mean business.
Put the PNP in your car now. Plan on getting up early with your LO and heading out to breakfast or to your mom's house early.
If your MIL made it clear that she WILL be at your house then you need to make it clear that you WILL NOT be there and that in some way, shape, or form you intend to make her follow your and DH's "rules". She is basically throwing an adult temper tantrum because she isn't getting her way. Boo F'ing Hoo. She needs to grow up. And then there needs to be a serious Come To Jesus meeting about what the alternating holidays means and what you and your DH will and will not do. If she chooses to not respect your wishes then she also chooses the consequences the two of you set forth.
Having had MIL issues of my own, I feel for you. It's very unfortunate, but the only way I finally got mine to back off was to become so fed up with her that I stopped caring if she thought I was rude. I seriously got to the point where my mentality was, "She obviously has no respect for me or my wishes, so why should I have any for hers?" I just couldn't deal anymore, and although we've never had any sort of confrontation, she seemed to figure it out pretty quickly once I finally reached my breaking point.
All I can say is, the longer you let it go on and let her get her way, the harder it's going to be to get her to stop. When my DH and I finally discussed some firm boundaries and laid them out for her, she was not happy and spent the better part of a year trying to manipulate her way around them. So, yes, bail early tomorrow to send a message, but after that you need to have a no-nonsense conversation with her about the fact that she no longer has the right to dictate what happens with her son, let alone his wife and child.
The police aren't there only to protect you if someone is going to hurt you, there are also there to deal with trespassers. We had an IL issue and refused to answer the door. He sat on our front porch for almost two hours occasionally yelling that "he could wait". We asked him to leave several times. Finally we had the police escort him off our property and he got the picture. We opted not to file a report. But if that woman seriously sits there and refuses to leave/continues to ring or knock and her DH isn't home. It's a viable option.
My first choice however would be to not be there/park the car elsewhere and pretend to not be there.
I agree with those pp who suggest that you not be home this morning.
GL.
So she can reinforce to her MIL that she can get whatever she wants, whenever she wants? That is a terrible idea.
It isn't about her coming for a few minutes to see LO. She is crossing some serious boundaries that need to be respected and enforced by the op and her DH.
I would call her and tell her if she comes uninvited to your house that she will lose any holidays moving forward.
me too!!! let us know op!!!
my goodness, what a crazy-craze. I agree with...everyone. you cannot back down; where does she get the lady b@lls to tell you that she WILL be there and she WILL see LO?! seriously? I am so annoyed for you!
I would let her knock and tell her through the door that you are sticking with the previously determined plan, and you are sorry she wasted her gas and her time. if she wants to camp out, let her camp. I would call DH home from work so fast his head would spin, but I know not everyone has a job where they can get home quickly if need be. I just think it sucks that he gets to go off to work and leave you to deal with this! this is an issue that he should be dealing with; giving in because he is "tired" of all of it only sets you up for a future of being steam rolled by this gramma. and it is SO not fair to your family! they respected your boundaries, and now MIL wants to disrupt your LO's morning and leave him upset and cranky for the holiday your family has been waiting their turn for? I don't think so. best case scenario, your husband needs to deal with her quickly. if that's not possible, I would say mean mama needs to come out and take care of business. You can do it; just remember, you ARE doing what is best for your child; giving him a peaceful morning full of routine and rest before a busy and overstimulating afternoon with people who love him to pieces. you know what is best for him; just remember that and it should be the fuel you need to speak your mind.
I'm interested to see how this turns out, hoping for an update soon. I hope it all went well!
*~PAIF/SAIF welcome and encouraged!~*
SO... our Easter is over. MIL did NOT come over!!! PHEW
DH had a conversation about his mother and her lack of boundaries, and I made it clear that if he didn't handle her, I WOULD. Again, he called MIL.
He asked her again, "What day works for you?" and she replied, "Easter Sunday is no good?" (No you #&$#%@ it isn't). He told her that she's causing problems in our marriage (if I called the cops that would surely be true), and he "knows she wants what's best for DS" (yea right). On that note, could DS and and I please visit on another day? After all, I'm a SAHM and she's retired. We agreed on Tuesday. I'll be there from 2p.m. - 7 p.m. Ehh
Still, I didn't know what to expect this morning. DS went off to work at 7 a.m. and at 7:45, MIL called to wish DS and I a Happy Easter. She called from her home phone, and it's too early for her to leave the house, so I was safe. I answered to get it over with and show good intentions (I would NOT answer later in the morning, after all). We made small talk. She asked to talk to DS to wish him a Happy Easter. Oops! He closed my flip phone on her. He's a toddler. I felt confident that she wouldn't come by. If she did, I decided I would kick her out after 20 mins. and then tell her we won't be there on Tues. She never came. Thank goodness.
She will continue to push the boundaries and I will continue to encourage DH to handle her, or as I say- I will. I'm fiercely protective of my family, our privacy, and our decisions... especially my son.
Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and helpful suggestions!!!