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Makes me sad...

bellrebellre member
in Blended Families

I had a heart-to-heart with my SD10 the other day. Our relationship hasn't been the same over the last year, about the same time she started to become much closer with her mom. While we were talking, I told her it feels like she has pulled away from me...she said yes, she has. I asked her why and she told me it is because of her mom. She doesn't feel like she can be close with me or spend too much time with me because of how it makes her mom feel. I guess her mom makes her feel guilty when she spends time with me, and she doesn't want to make her mom upset. She said she wants to be close with her mom, so she tries not to hurt her feelings. I get that. On the other hand, it makes me incredibly sad that my relationship with my SD has deteriorated because of how BM. I told SD that if this is how it has to be for now so that she can have a relationship with her mom, then okay. I told her that her mom is her mom and no one else can/should replace her and she needs to have a relationship with her and that I don't want to get in the way of that.While I was telling her that, my heart was just sinking. I've thought and thought about what I can do (or haven't been doing) to make our relationship better. The more I think about it, the more it irks me.

Thoughts and/or advice? I'm kind of at a loss right now....

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Re: Makes me sad...

  • cole2144cole2144 member
    It`s really sad but it sounds like you are doing everything you can. It`s selfless of you to be so understanding of SD`s need to be close to her mother and doing what ever it takes to make that happen. Too bad BM is not so selfless that she can`t put aside her own feelings for the good of her child.
    No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    This must be really difficult for you, and I'm really sorry that your feelings are hurt and that your SD is struggling with this.

    My best advice to you would be to try and take a step back from this. Go out this weekend, and try to fit in some time to do what you want to do. I think that sometimes as moms (step, bio, whatever) we spend so much time focused on the kids, that when things go badly, it just takes over everything. You don't have any control over what BM does, and you have no control over how your SD feels. The only person you can control is you, and you can keep being a loving parent in her life.

    What is your relationship like with BM? If things are mostly amicable, it might not be as bad as you think. Maybe BM is just struggling with some jealousy and is having a hard time hiding it from your SD. It's usually impossible to know for sure what goes on in someone else's home, so I think you should try not to assume the worst (not that you are--just sayin'). 

    I think that what you said to your SD was great. I bet things will get better before long! 

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    imagedbliesmer:

    This would make sense to me if the BM was even partially a mother to her (too long to go into all the details).  It really irked me, and then I realized I was making more of a big deal about it then I should and was taking it out on SD.  I sat SD aside and told her this... what we do at our house, within reason, is none of BM business so if she wanted to call me mom just at our house that would be fine.  When she got older she would be able to distinguish between the two households and not get into trouble around her mom.  I didn't care what she called me, because I know I mean a lot to her regardless of the mom label.  But I also explained that someday Daddy and I would have a baby and I didn't want my baby calling me by my first name.  When that time came we would maybe come up with a nickname or other language that means mom but still not physically be mom.

    We never discussed this again for almost 3 years.  Withinl the past 6 months when we found out we were pregnant.  On her own, my SD just started calling me mom ever so often.  Then when we told her we were pregnant she calls me mom even more, I can't even remember the last time she called me by my first name. 

    Seriously, you find the way you handled it fine?  You think I was ok to tell your SD that it was fine for her to call you by your first name until you have a kid of your own and it might affect them?   

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  • SaranSaran member
    imagedbliesmer:
    imageLittlejen22:
    imagedbliesmer:

    This would make sense to me if the BM was even partially a mother to her (too long to go into all the details).  It really irked me, and then I realized I was making more of a big deal about it then I should and was taking it out on SD.  I sat SD aside and told her this... what we do at our house, within reason, is none of BM business so if she wanted to call me mom just at our house that would be fine.  When she got older she would be able to distinguish between the two households and not get into trouble around her mom.  I didn't care what she called me, because I know I mean a lot to her regardless of the mom label.  But I also explained that someday Daddy and I would have a baby and I didn't want my baby calling me by my first name.  When that time came we would maybe come up with a nickname or other language that means mom but still not physically be mom.

    We never discussed this again for almost 3 years.  Withinl the past 6 months when we found out we were pregnant.  On her own, my SD just started calling me mom ever so often.  Then when we told her we were pregnant she calls me mom even more, I can't even remember the last time she called me by my first name. 

    Seriously, you find the way you handled it fine?  You think I was ok to tell your SD that it was fine for her to call you by your first name until you have a kid of your own and it might affect them?   

    I wasn't going to make it more difficult on her by demanding that she call me mom at our house.  Yes it upset me that her BM crushed her excitement by saying she didn't want her to call me mom, especially since I've been more of a mom to her than her BM.  I wasn't going to make it even more difficult on SD, sorry for thinking of her well being over a word.  I figured when she was old enough to realize on her own she would come around.  And guess what she did.  She was only 5 at the time and that was a lot to put on her shoulders by her BM so I was trying to lighten the situation and be the bigger person.  Would you suggest I demand she call me mom and then have her resent me later on? 

    I know this has been discussed on this board before but seriously people, it's not an issue you have to be worried about. Children know who their mama and daddy are regardless of what other people are calling them. And usually when they call you by your first name, they are trying to be funny not confused. Confused

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  • cole2144cole2144 member
    imageSaran:
    imagedbliesmer:
    imageLittlejen22:
    imagedbliesmer:

    This would make sense to me if the BM was even partially a mother to her (too long to go into all the details).  It really irked me, and then I realized I was making more of a big deal about it then I should and was taking it out on SD.  I sat SD aside and told her this... what we do at our house, within reason, is none of BM business so if she wanted to call me mom just at our house that would be fine.  When she got older she would be able to distinguish between the two households and not get into trouble around her mom.  I didn't care what she called me, because I know I mean a lot to her regardless of the mom label.  But I also explained that someday Daddy and I would have a baby and I didn't want my baby calling me by my first name.  When that time came we would maybe come up with a nickname or other language that means mom but still not physically be mom.

    We never discussed this again for almost 3 years.  Withinl the past 6 months when we found out we were pregnant.  On her own, my SD just started calling me mom ever so often.  Then when we told her we were pregnant she calls me mom even more, I can't even remember the last time she called me by my first name. 

    Seriously, you find the way you handled it fine?  You think I was ok to tell your SD that it was fine for her to call you by your first name until you have a kid of your own and it might affect them?   

    I wasn't going to make it more difficult on her by demanding that she call me mom at our house.  Yes it upset me that her BM crushed her excitement by saying she didn't want her to call me mom, especially since I've been more of a mom to her than her BM.  I wasn't going to make it even more difficult on SD, sorry for thinking of her well being over a word.  I figured when she was old enough to realize on her own she would come around.  And guess what she did.  She was only 5 at the time and that was a lot to put on her shoulders by her BM so I was trying to lighten the situation and be the bigger person.  Would you suggest I demand she call me mom and then have her resent me later on? 

    I know this has been discussed on this board before but seriously people, it's not an issue you have to be worried about. Children know who their mama and daddy are regardless of what other people are calling them. And usually when they call you by your first name, they are trying to be funny not confused. Confused

    I know right, it never even crossed my mind that my SD calling me by my name might confuse my son.

    No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
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