The name debate

jennicole85 · April 2012

I know that this board is slow during the weekend, but I'm posting anyway!

Question for all of you that have children already:

How did you decide what last name the child(ren) will or do have?

I will tell you about us. I can't stand my last name. Before I *knew* I couldn't wait until I got married because then my last name would change. As a child, I was made fun of because of my name. I know that it's petty, but I don't want my child(ren) to grow up the way that I have. I guess in our relationship it has always been understood that I would carry and we would give the child(ren) her last name.

melissajo2011 · April 2012

Our poor kids have a hyphenated last name. We both really like our last names and don't want to change. I am the opposite of you - even before I *knew*, I didn't plan to change mine! I guess I didn't like that I had a different last name from my mom growing up, so I wanted them to be connected to both of us.

TaylorandMel · April 2012

I changed my last name to Mel's last name, many years ago right after we were married. So obviously our kids have the same name as both of us now. Had I kept my original LN I would say the kiddos would have hyphenated LN, because I wouldn't want a different last name than my kids.

leapgirl8 · April 2012

Neither of us wanted to change our last names. Jen was willing to hyphenate, but I didn't want to hyphenate my name, or the kids' names. Both our names require spelling when we say them because they have different vowels than people expect (imagine our last names as Smeth and Welliams). They also sound pretty stupid together. So we ended up keeping our own last names when we married.

We went around and around for a while about what last names the kids will have. In the end we went with my last name for a number of reasons - my last name is more of an identity for me than it necessarily is for Jen, our kids will grow up near my parents and we want them to have that name connection, my family has always been more accepting of our marriage, etc.

This did not go over well with Jen's dad. She got a 5-page handwritten letter on the matter. But it's settled, and we're both happy with the decision. (My dad was really pleased and excited - he had assumed they would have Jen's last name since she is carrying. )

ball.and.chain · April 2012

We don't have kids yet, but we decided a long time ago that our kids will get my name. We both kept our names when we got married. My wife doesn't hate her name, but she doesn't love it either. People never know how to pronounce it, how to spell it, etc, and she has spent her whole life explaining it. She often sets up accounts in my name because she doesn't want to spell hers every time she calls (not for things like credit cards or bank accounts, obviously, but services like electrical work or gutter cleaning where the company pretty much just needs your contact info). My name is relatively common, short, easy to spell and understand. It just seems easier for everyone to give them mine.

This didn't factor into our original decision, but like leapgirl, our kids will grow up near my family, so I like that they will be connected to them by name too (although they will also have a blood connection, because I'm carrying). My wife's family lives out of state, we only see them a few times a year, and at this point only her father has her last name because her parents are divorced, she has step-siblings with a different last name, and her sister changed her name when she married.

emma+karen · April 2012

We plan to hyphenate. Neither of us has changed our last name, and we both like our last names and the connection to our families they carry. We will probably move in the next year and our kids will be growing up closer to Karen's family than mine, so I want my last name to be part of them, and since I'm carrying, I also want them to have her last name. So hyphenate it is. Our names don't sound too bad hyphenated, though mine is pretty long, but the kiddos will just have to deal.

ssg73 · April 2012

E has my last name (I carried) and future children if we have them will have my last name (when she carries). We chose it for a number of reasons. One being that there is already a male grandchild on her side with her last name while there are no male children of my sibling or cousins with my last name. So it was nice to know the name would carry at least one more generation. Also S's name sounds horrible with our chosen girl name. It rhymes in a bad way and would actually be hard to say. Lastly E is named for her great grandmother (Ella) and her grandmother (grace) on Sue's side so it is nice to have family names from both sides. Future children if we get to have them will be named for my grandfather (Leo) or S's grandmother again (Lucy). Sue's grandmother has the coolest name. Ella Lucy. Lucky woman.

Kershnic · April 2012

When we got married we both changed to a merged version of our former last names (first half of my family's last name, second half of hers). I've been a bit crap about switching to using it full time, but we'll get there eventually, and I still absolutely think we made the right choice for us. We really wanted to have the same last name as each other and our future children, and I really didn't want a hyphenated name. Plus the hyphenated version was long enough that it wouldn't fit on a lot of standardized forms and things and both felt like it would become annoying for us and future child. And now our choice for future baby is already made.

viciouskittie · April 2012

Lurker coming out of the shadows here...

We aren't pregnant yet but when we got married we hyphenated our last names because it was important to us that our family all have the same last name and we both felt a strong connection to our maiden names. That said, our hyphenated last name is REALLY long - 15 letters long. My first, middle and last name is now 30 letters long. We joke knowing what we know now we would just pick a new last name for ourselves, haha. So long story short - we'll be giving our kids our hyphenated last name.

- V

mandykatie · April 2012

I'd always planned on hyphenating, but it won't work out well with our particular names. I'll change mine to K's (when I'm pregnant or when adoption is impending) and we'll all have the same last name.

2brides · April 2012

We didn't change our names when we married and our kids have hyphenated last names. Thankfully, they are short last names and so they aren't too unwieldy.

tdmklm · April 2012

J has K's last name. I'd change mine if I could, but I can't.

PrincessLeash · April 2012

We just got married in August and I haven't officially changed my name yet, but I plan to change my last name to DW's. Orginally when we first started talking about getting married, I thought it would be cool if we changed both of our last names to something we totally made up. My lovely shot that idea right down. She was pretty firm on keeping her last name. I on the other hand didn't really care because I have no relationship with my father whos last name I carry. I did want to carry it on because it was my late Papa's name, and I am the last one in the family to carry it on. I have since changed my mind and we put my current last name on our baby boy name list I will have my name changed by the time we start TTC.

lnelson20 · April 2012

I took Kel's last name and kept mine as a second middle name. I still use it for all things professional. She added my name as a second middle, but doesn't really use it for anything. The kids have Kel's (now our) last name. It is much more a part of her identity than mine is/was, so it was a pretty easy decision.

hlke · April 2012

Our situation is weird, and I think I've finally come around to a solution that works.

I have a hyphenated last name that I am very attached to. I like how it makes me feel close to both sides of my family, and it's been the only name I've ever known. I was previously married and did not change my name, and did not change it when DW and I got married.

However, figuring out how to pass both names along to the next generation isn't exactly easy since I'm already hyphenated. We talked about hyphenating one of my names with DW's, but I wouldn't be able to choose. I feel closer to my mom's family, but my dad has passed away and I would feel guilty not using his name. I suggested they just have my name, but DW wasn't a fan of that idea, plus it just perpetuates the problem of hyphenation to our children. So we're going to give the kids DW's last name (this was hard for me to swallow, as her family hasn't been the most supportive of our relationship) with my last name as a second middle name. Yes, if they ever have to write out their full names it will look ridiculous, but at least on a day to day basis they'll have fairly "normal" names.

We haven't TOTALLY ruled out double hyphenation (my name-my name-dw's name), but honestly I'm not sure that's fair to our kid. But we've been colloquially referring to the baby by that name forever, so we don't think it's so bad.

2mommiesinoh · April 2012

I have no special attachment to my last name at all. My parents are divorced and my bio father/his entirefamily and I have no real connection. There are other relatives to carry on that last name and even if there were not I would not care. Now when we got married my last name did not change (Canadian marriage and we live in a state that does not recognize gay marriage per a lovely constitutional amendment) and honestly I have never had time/resources to go and request a legal name change through the courts. I want to I juut have not. SO when it came to giving Ky a last name it was really a no brainer. She has DW's last name as will any other child we have no matter who has them.

ctbride08 · April 2012

I took DW's last name when we got married and the children will all have that last name. It was very important to me that we have 1 family name and as it turns out, the kids are also excited about the idea (right now our house has 3 different last names, but that changes next week!).

clairmeij · April 2012

I was also previously married, and I did change my name. Because my partner isn't attached to her last name, and isn't close to her father at all, we are going to use my maiden name.

She is legally changing her name and when my green card and passport paperwork comes up for renewal, I'll renew in my maiden name. We love the idea of us all having the same last name, and V is really close to my stepfather, so using his name is perfect for us.

2moms2twins · April 2012

jennicole85:
I know that this board is slow during the weekend, but I'm posting anyway!
Question for all of you that have children already:
How did you decide what last name the child(ren) will or do have?
I will tell you about us. I can't stand my last name. Before I *knew* I couldn't wait until I got married because then my last name would change. As a child, I was made fun of because of my name. I know that it's petty, but I don't want my child(ren) to grow up the way that I have. I guess in our relationship it has always been understood that I would carry and we would give the child(ren) her last name.

this was a no brainier for us ... Melanie took my last name when we mrried but hyphenated since we have a business with our names... when we were ttc she said since she is carrying the children they will have my last name 1) because my last names legacy has stopped and my grandmother is a Survivor of the holocauset so its is important for me to keep our last name alive ( we ended up having twin girls- Go figure) 2) because melanie carried she is BIO mom and if there was ever a issue with the kids and hospitalization having the same last name seemed to be the way to go ( i know this sounds lame but when people see we have same last name there is not resistance) 3) I m like the HUSBAND - we have a very butch femme dynamic so it just made sense and there was no way i was going to tke her last name we tried to mush our last names together but it seemed odd.

thats our story

hcpprincess · April 2012

Our son will have DPs last name. She is carrying him but that's not exactly why he will have her name. In the interest of equality, I wish we could hyphenate our last names but that would give LO a 20 letter 6 syllabyl last name that is difficult to spell and pronounce. That seems like an unfair burden to him.

His first name relects my heritage. Middle name is after her grandpa. 2nd middle name is my last name. We really stuggled with adding a 2nd middle name but we live in a state where we can't marry and I can't adopt (time to move?) so it felt important to me that I show up somewhere on his birth certificate even if it means nothing legally.

I hope to change my last name to hers or mine-hers but need to scrape up the money and find time to do the paperwork and even then, it will be at the discretion of a potentially homophobic judge whether or not to let me change my name (Ugh!). I think it would be helpful to pass through life with the same last name as my LO so hopefully I can get that done before long.

It's definitely interesting to see how other have made this decision. Thanks for posting the question!

hanncanna · April 2012

I like my last name and don't think I'll change it. My partner and I have been together for 16 years. Her last name is so cool...only 5 people in the US have it, and they are all related to her.

I am carrying our babies and we've decided they will have her last name. The babies have my blood but her name--that's the way I want it so that they will be emotionally connected to both of our families/backgrounds.

That said, they will have really, really Greek names with not a drop of Greek in them!! LOL.

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