crisis of faith (sorry if I offend)

JennOH85 · April 2012

I woke up this morning and realized it was Good Friday. My miscarriage was diagnosed on Ash Wednesday.

My family has always been very faith-focused. I went to church at least once a week growing up. But after my mc, to say that I had a crisis of faith is the understatement of the century. I don't want to believe in a god who is a puppeteer and just controls everything by pulling strings, but after my experience, I kind of feel like god had nothing to do with it, for better or for worse. I don't necessarily think god wanted me to have a miscarriage, but I feel like he didn't have a dog in the fight. It didn't much matter to him, either way. What was going to happen was going to happen and that was that.

So Easter Sunday is just around the corner and I feel like god's rubbing it in my face. He brought his child back from the dead, and mine's still gone. (I'm sorry if that sounds sacrilegious or offensive, but that's honestly how I feel.) I'm furious and I don't know what to do about it. DH and I agreed to go to church with his family on Sunday because our nieces are singing in the choir, but just the thought of being in church right now makes me see red. I'm not sure what to do.

VikingQueen · April 2012

((hugs))

I was so angry with God after my loss, it's a very normal thing. July will be 2 years since my loss and I am just now trying to re-build my relationship with him. It's such a hard thing.. to believe that he can do anything but he doesn't do what we want him to do the most.. which is bring our children back.

buckeyebaby814 · April 2012

I completely understand with the crisis of faith. For me, it mostly comes when people say, "In God's time." Which I say that for every other aspect in my life OTHER than pregnancy. I selfishly want it to be my time NOW!

I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies. For me, I feel like it's more my body letting me down than God, but I certainly have those days that my faith is shaken to the core.

::HUGS::

JennOH85 · April 2012

VikingQueen:
It's such a hard thing.. to believe that he can do anything but he doesn't do what we want him to do the most.. which is bring our children back.

Exactly! You expressed perfectly why I'm so angry with him. I've always believed he could do anything, but now it feels like he's not doing (or didn't do) what to me seems like such an obvious choice. Thanks for your support, VQ. big ((hugs)) right back at you, dear.

JennOH85 · April 2012

buckeyebaby814:
I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies.

Yes, I have absolutely felt that, too. Then it spirals into, "Okay, God, go ahead and punish me, but leave my baby out of it. He didn't do anything to you." I think I know somewhere deep down that I need someone to blame only because if I can blame someone then I can say "this is why it happened" and it feels like god is the only one I can blame. TY for your support, buckeyebaby. Big ((hugs)).

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2012

I just want to reach out and give you a hug!

I think that your feelings are normal. I have a hard time going to church, not bc I blame God, but bc I get very sad every time I go. I don't really know why, but I end up crying every week. I am still angry over my loss, but I don't blame God. I am just angry over the entire situation. I am angry that others get to become pg so easily when it took me so long, and now I am struggling again. I am so angry that others get to announce their pregnancies at 7 weeks and go on to have healthy babies, when I waited until 15 weeks and still lost mine. Nothing about loosing a child is fair.

I think that you need to blame whom ever you feel you need to blame. I am not typing this to make you feel the way I feel. I just want you to know that it is okay to embrace what ever you are feeling at the moment.

Maybe you should look at going to church this Sunday more as a support for your nieces. I wish I could offer more advise. (((HUGS)))

JellyTwoPointO · April 2012

I'm not very much help because I've been in the same boat. For awhile, holding the belief that God doesn't control these things because life and death and sickness are a part of this world as a result of a fallen world was a comforting thought because it kept me from blaming God. It was helpful to realize that he didn't kill my child. It just happened. But that's not working for me anymore because now thinking that makes me feel like God is an apathetic weakling who has the power to intervene in a fallen world and he didn't. I know there's a reason and I know I'm sinful so I am not all-wise so I need to trust and have faith. But I totally get where you're coming from. I'm struggling right along side you.

thatlauragirl · April 2012

This isn't offensive at all. I can't imagine anyone in these circumstances not questioning their faith. I ask myself over and over why things happen and I have yet to come up with an answer that I can accept and find peace with. The only thing I can figure is that this is all part of some journey I'm on and I need to keep asking questions. I also think that God created me completely and in that case, God understands I have anger and bitterness. It's a part of who I am.

I had 2 early losses, but my nephew Zachary was born prematurely on Easter Sunday, April 12, 2009. He lived for about an hour and died in his parents' arms. Like you, I have a hard time understanding why God brought back His son from the dead, yet my nephew's ashes sit on a shelf. And my own arms ache for my 2 babies that I never got to hold. I guess I just hold on to the hope that there is a reason for all of this and one day I'll understand.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I don't think there's anything wrong with being angry and asking questions. ((hugs))

atmidwoodtobe · April 2012

Honey, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I think every single one of us has been angry with God at one point. A friend of mine said something that really hit me hard, and made me stop to think.

She told me that every single person has a God given purpose on this earth. When we have fulfilled the purpose that God gave to us, he takes us home to be with him. Our babies we living human beings, and before they even had a chance to enter this world, they fulfilled their purpose. How amazing is it to be able to say that our babies, before they were even born, fulfilled the purpose that God had for them? That they did more in their short lives than we were able to do in ours!

I know it is so hard right now, but please know that it will get easier over time. When you are ready, God will be waiting with open arms. Smile

**HUGE HUGS**

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2012

buckeyebaby814:

I completely understand with the crisis of faith. For me, it mostly comes when people say, "In God's time." Which I say that for every other aspect in my life OTHER than pregnancy. I selfishly want it to be my time NOW!

I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies. For me, I feel like it's more my body letting me down than God, but I certainly have those days that my faith is shaken to the core.

::HUGS::

I have said this so many times to my DH. I feel like my body has failed me in so many ways.

Allycat11 · April 2012

((hugs)) I am the first person to question my faith when something goes wrong, however my m/c has made me feel closer to God than I ever have before. My m/c was 2 days after my wedding and the first thing I thought was "How good is God that he let me enjoy my wedding weekend before helping us get through this rough time." and "How good is God that he made us go through a financial struggle and cancel our honeymoon so I don't have a m/c while in Mexico".

I understand questioning your faith, and feeling more pain than usual this time of year. So I'll give a couple different bits of advice.

If you are just looking to get through this weekend: Don't be afraid to cry if you need to, don't participate in things at church if you are uncomfortable doing them (communion, certain songs, certain prayers, etc...) and if you need to fully remove yourself from the situation, that is okay too.

If you are looking to get your faith back: Try talking to a religious leader like a pastor, Pray (once I really took the time to pray to God, outside of church, it is amazing the things I have heard), read the bible-the book of Job is a great one for me right now, and/or read faith based books, right now I am reading "Heaven is for Real" and it is a very interesting book.

buckeyebaby814 · April 2012

JennOH85:
buckeyebaby814:
I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies.
Yes, I have absolutely felt that, too. Then it spirals into, "Okay, God, go ahead and punish me, but leave my baby out of it. He didn't do anything to you." I think I know somewhere deep down that I need someone to blame only because if I can blame someone then I can say "this is why it happened" and it feels like god is the only one I can blame. TY for your support, buckeyebaby. Big ((hugs)).

::HUGS::

JennOH85 · April 2012

Mom2anAngel2:

Maybe you should look at going to church this Sunday more as a support for your nieces.

Big hugs right back to you. Nothing about this is fair, and I'm so sorry for your loss, dear. I think you're right, I need to look at it as supporting my nieces and leave it at that. TY!

AngnShaun · April 2012

buckeyebaby814:

I completely understand with the crisis of faith. For me, it mostly comes when people say, "In God's time." Which I say that for every other aspect in my life OTHER than pregnancy. I selfishly want it to be my time NOW!

I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies. For me, I feel like it's more my body letting me down than God, but I certainly have those days that my faith is shaken to the core.

::HUGS::

I envy people that still have faith during this time... God is not going to cure my immune and clotting disorders... and considering what the pope said about Fertility treatments a couple of weeks ago i have a very very very, etc hard time with my own religion.

sammer818 · April 2012

DH and I had those same feelings. We had to terminate our 3rd pg 2 days before Christmas. Christmas Eve mass was the hardest thing I've ever sat through. We were both so angry at God...those feelings have since diminished, but at the time it was really hard for both of us to undestand why.

buckeyebaby814 · April 2012

AngnShaun:
buckeyebaby814:

I completely understand with the crisis of faith. For me, it mostly comes when people say, "In God's time." Which I say that for every other aspect in my life OTHER than pregnancy. I selfishly want it to be my time NOW!

I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies. For me, I feel like it's more my body letting me down than God, but I certainly have those days that my faith is shaken to the core.

::HUGS::

I envy people that still have faith during this time... God is not going to cure my immune and clotting disorders... and considering what the pope said about Fertility treatments a couple of weeks ago i have a very very very, etc hard time with my own religion.

I'm sorry hon. I have a friend IRL whose kind of in the same board.

EKGibs · April 2012

atmidwoodtobe:

Honey, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I think every single one of us has been angry with God at one point. A friend of mine said something that really hit me hard, and made me stop to think.

She told me that every single person has a God given purpose on this earth. When we have fulfilled the purpose that God gave to us, he takes us home to be with him. Our babies we living human beings, and before they even had a chance to enter this world, they fulfilled their purpose. How amazing is it to be able to say that our babies, before they were even born, fulfilled the purpose that God had for them? That they did more in their short lives than we were able to do in ours!

I know it is so hard right now, but please know that it will get easier over time. When you are ready, God will be waiting with open arms.

**HUGE HUGS**

this excatly. this almost made me tear up. thanks for this post. Michelle Duggar said something on the final episode when she lost her baby. she said how awesome that the first person her baby saw was Jesus. It did not make her any less sad or heartbroken about loosing the baby but it helped bring her peace about it a little better. I'm so sorry you are are going through this. (((((hugs))))))

JennOH85 · April 2012

atmidwoodtobe:
She told me that every single person has a God given purpose on this earth. When we have fulfilled the purpose that God gave to us, he takes us home to be with him. Our babies we living human beings, and before they even had a chance to enter this world, they fulfilled their purpose. How amazing is it to be able to say that our babies, before they were even born, fulfilled the purpose that God had for them? That they did more in their short lives than we were able to do in ours!

TY for sharing this and for your support. ((hugs)) right back to you, dear!

AngnShaun · April 2012

buckeyebaby814:
AngnShaun:
buckeyebaby814:

I completely understand with the crisis of faith. For me, it mostly comes when people say, "In God's time." Which I say that for every other aspect in my life OTHER than pregnancy. I selfishly want it to be my time NOW!

I've often questioned myself, if there's a reason God is 'punishing me' and this is why I've lost four pregnancies. For me, I feel like it's more my body letting me down than God, but I certainly have those days that my faith is shaken to the core.

::HUGS::

I envy people that still have faith during this time... God is not going to cure my immune and clotting disorders... and considering what the pope said about Fertility treatments a couple of weeks ago i have a very very very, etc hard time with my own religion.

I'm sorry hon. I have a friend IRL whose kind of in the same board.

I didnt mean to quote you lol but thank you. Yeah i want to have faith but i feel betrayed by it at every turn!

JennOH85 · April 2012

Jellybean902:
But that's not working for me anymore because now thinking that makes me feel like God is an apathetic weakling who has the power to intervene in a fallen world and he didn't. I know there's a reason and I know I'm sinful so I am not all-wise so I need to trust and have faith.

It's like you're in my brain! TY for the support. ((hugs))

JennOH85 · April 2012

thatlauragirl:
I ask myself over and over why things happen and I have yet to come up with an answer that I can accept and find peace with. The only thing I can figure is that this is all part of some journey I'm on and I need to keep asking questions. I also think that God created me completely and in that case, God understands I have anger and bitterness. It's a part of who I am.

This rings so true to me. TY for sharing. I'm sorry for your losses and the loss of your nephew. It makes me so mad that so many women have had to go through this. TY for your support. ((hugs))

AngnShaun · April 2012

EKGibs:
atmidwoodtobe:

Honey, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I think every single one of us has been angry with God at one point. A friend of mine said something that really hit me hard, and made me stop to think.

She told me that every single person has a God given purpose on this earth. When we have fulfilled the purpose that God gave to us, he takes us home to be with him. Our babies we living human beings, and before they even had a chance to enter this world, they fulfilled their purpose. How amazing is it to be able to say that our babies, before they were even born, fulfilled the purpose that God had for them? That they did more in their short lives than we were able to do in ours!

I know it is so hard right now, but please know that it will get easier over time. When you are ready, God will be waiting with open arms.

**HUGE HUGS**

this excatly. this almost made me tear up. thanks for this post. Michelle Duggar said something on the final episode when she lost her baby. she said how awesome that the first person her baby saw was Jesus. It did not make her any less sad or heartbroken about loosing the baby but it helped bring her peace about it a little better. I'm so sorry you are are going through this. (((((hugs))))))

This is what i mean. I wish i had that blind faith that i could be at peace... i watched that episode and the first thing she said after hearing the baby didnt have a hb was "the lord giveth, and the lord taketh away".

big_noise · April 2012

I don't have a lot to add other than I hear you and I get it. I've been struggling with similar things, although I don't go to church on a regular basis right now. I have faith, just some issues with the church I was raised in. Just wanted to send some hugs your way.

My 1st m/c happened (on Christmas) at a point when I was already very near rock bottom and didn't think I could go much lower. The pregnancy was unplanned but still very wanted. I was in survival mode trying to keep my family, job and myself afloat for a number of reasons, mostly related to DH being in his 4th year of working full-time and going to law school at night and literally wanting to quit every day, and then BAM, the universe said eff you!

3+ months and another m/c later, I'm still just as angry and want to know why. Why did I have to get kicked that hard when I was already bottoming out?

My boss, who has a very strong faith and has been through this as well, just flat out told me there may not be a reason why this happened. Don't know why, but that was comforting to me. I was searching for some reason it happened.

Anyway, more hugs. I hope you're able to make it through church ok on Sunday. I'm still on the fence about going...

JennOH85 · April 2012

Allycat11:
((hugs)) I am the first person to question my faith when something goes wrong, however my m/c has made me feel closer to God than I ever have before.

TY so much for the support and advice. I'm hopeful that I'll get to this point someday.

As I think about it, for me this whole emotional-roller-coaster ttcal process just reminds of how fragile and impermanent our bodies are. Whether we live for a moment or 100 years, it's still the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of the universe. Nothing was meant to last forever. I wouldn't say that makes me trust god more at this point, but it does make me so grateful that my baby was never in pain, never felt cold, never felt hunger. I have to believe that all he felt was the incredible amount of love DH and I have for him. (I should clarify, we never found out the gender of the baby, but I felt I was pregnant even before I took an HPT and I always felt it was a boy).

atmidwoodtobe · April 2012

AngnShaun:
EKGibs:
atmidwoodtobe:

Honey, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I think every single one of us has been angry with God at one point. A friend of mine said something that really hit me hard, and made me stop to think.

She told me that every single person has a God given purpose on this earth. When we have fulfilled the purpose that God gave to us, he takes us home to be with him. Our babies we living human beings, and before they even had a chance to enter this world, they fulfilled their purpose. How amazing is it to be able to say that our babies, before they were even born, fulfilled the purpose that God had for them? That they did more in their short lives than we were able to do in ours!

I know it is so hard right now, but please know that it will get easier over time. When you are ready, God will be waiting with open arms.

**HUGE HUGS**

this excatly. this almost made me tear up. thanks for this post. Michelle Duggar said something on the final episode when she lost her baby. she said how awesome that the first person her baby saw was Jesus. It did not make her any less sad or heartbroken about loosing the baby but it helped bring her peace about it a little better. I'm so sorry you are are going through this. (((((hugs))))))

This is what i mean. I wish i had that blind faith that i could be at peace... i watched that episode and the first thing she said after hearing the baby didnt have a hb was "the lord giveth, and the lord taketh away".

My dear, believe me when I tell you that my faith is nowhere near where it should be. I still have some very, very hard days when I question God. But in the end, I understand that He has a plan. Believe me, it takes time for that anger and disappointment in Him to subside. I wish I had more advice to give to you, but your walk with God is one that can only be brought to peace between you and Him. I don't think it's necessarily about having peace right now, but having a small comfort in knowing that one day, things will get easier. All I can tell you is that I will absolutely be keeping you in my prayers.

**HUGE HUGS**

Cubskers · April 2012

atmidwoodtobe:

She told me that every single person has a God given purpose on this earth. When we have fulfilled the purpose that God gave to us, he takes us home to be with him. Our babies we living human beings, and before they even had a chance to enter this world, they fulfilled their purpose. How amazing is it to be able to say that our babies, before they were even born, fulfilled the purpose that God had for them? That they did more in their short lives than we were able to do in ours!

This is beautiful. I've said the same thing to myself, but didn't really believe it. Seeing it in words has me in tears. Thanks for sharing!

OP, I think anyone who has a faith (whatever it may be) and goes through a tragedy like this will question their faith. I know I certainly have. I'm still mad at God, despite being a good girl and going to church, doing my devotionals, etc. But, He knows that while my brain isn't in it, my heart is still yearing for Him. I just haven't figured out how to make my way back yet.

Also, a good friend of mine told me "It's OK to be mad at God - he's got big shoulders."

Sending big HUGS your way!

CNYBride05 · April 2012

((hugs)) I think it's normal to feel everything you are feeling and none of it makes you a bad person. I won't get into my own religious beliefs, but definitely hear you on the questioning faith and the divine. Know that you are in my thoughts and go with your heart. If you go to church, make it your own spiritual experience or if you need distance, look at the pretty windows, enjoy your nieces voices, and time with family. More ((hugs)) for this challenging period.

GatorBaby2012 · April 2012

((hugs))

DH and I have never really been religious, but I was furious with the universe (or God or whatever) after my m/c's. I just can't fathom how bad things can happen to good people. Over time I've come to accept that maybe things do happen for a reason, though I have no idea what that reason is. I have also found that getting to the roots of faith (whether religious, spiritual, or just general) has helped make my outlook more positive and makes each day that goes by easier.

Your outlook will change over time naturally, so don't try to force it. It's completely normal to feel the way you do.

orgnlmama · April 2012

***Ticker Warning*** I normally lurk, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I once read something that has helped me through many hard times. God is OK with your anger. It is proof of your relationship with Him. You can't be angry at Him if He doesn't exist to you. So take your time being angry with Him. He accepts your anger. Unfortunately sadness in this world exists because of bad decisions made long before us. I think God is grieving with you. He didn't want this pain for you. O wish you peace.

kpowers982 · April 2012

I just wanted to offer my support. I'm not incredibly religious, but I can tell you I've had similar feelings as you since my loss. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Funnygirl34 · April 2012

I felt so angry at God when I miscarried but what helped me was remembering that death was NOT apart of His original plan and when sin entered the world, so did death and loss. Just like God wept when Lazarus died, he weeps with each of us. It's actually really comforting to think of that.

HopingforChange · April 2012

Anger is normal. Everyone has felt some amount of anger with God. If they say they haven't, they are lying.

I guess my take on this is that we live in a fallen world in which we suffer and cannot understand the reasons why. I miss my baby every, single day, and I too wonder why, but I don't think it's within human comprehension. All I know is that my relationship with God got me through the pain, and that I am grateful most days. Some days, like yesterday, I definitely still get mad--God is big enough to handle me being a little irked with Him.

I still struggle with why God allowed me to lose my baby, or why he allows people to die young from cancer, or be abused, or suffer from evil at all, but I know that by sin death entered the world. Logically, I know this; emotionally, it is really hard to accept.

I am actually in a Bible study on Revelation that just finished yesterday, and the speaker (Beth Moore--she's great) was talking about how, at the end of the world as we know it, there will be no more loose ends, no more unanswered questions. She also referred us to Isaiah 65:20, which says there will be no more "infants who live only days." It comforted me to know that God saw my problem, saw my pain, and would one day fix it.

I am so sorry you are dealing with these emotions. I have been frustrated with God before, and I am sure I will be again in the future. The anger is a natural part of grieving, but it is really uncomfortable (or it was for me). I hope you find the healing you want very soon.

ChloBub · April 2012

I am crying as I read all of these responses. Partly because I am sad that you're all hurting and also because I feel the same way. I've wrestled with God so much the last 5 months. It hurts. It's so frustrating and maddening and confusing. But ultimately I know God is good, he loves me, and his ways are not my ways. These are truths I cling to, even when I can't feel them.

During my bump break last week God showed me this verse in Lamentations:

"No one is cast off from the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone. " -Lam. 3:31-33

(((((HUGS)))) to all.

CCline09 · April 2012

Sigh. I am with you girl---every freakin' word you said. I grew up very religious and going to church and I feel like I am in a crisis of faith as well. I'm really struggling to want to go to church and I just feel so angry at God- except I feel that he could control it. Not that he made me miscarry per say but he could've stopped it.

My DH works Sunday morning but we are suppose to go to church Sunday evening. I just don't know what I am going to do.

All that to say, you aren't alone. If you ever want to PM you are more then welcome too as I feel we are in similar situations.

FreyaWin2382 · April 2012

I just want to let you know that I have really struggled with my faith since my losses....the only way that I have been able to even begin to have conversations with God again (that aren't me yelling anyhow) are to remember that God didn't have anything to do with my losses....it was simply biology and cold science....no morality or "big plan" involved.

I know that that probably doesn't help others, but that is what has helped me.

((HUGS)) to you.

misteezagirl · April 2012

I too have been struggling with my faith since the loss. Especially during this Lent season. But I think that is completely normal...God has a plan for us and I guess that it just wasn't our time to have those sweet little babies..or at least that's what I keep telling my self. Keep your head up, and maybe going to church on Sunday might even help a bit.

sunsetlove · April 2012

i too felt the same way after my 1st m/c... just two months before my 1st m/c.. my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.. i was so angry at god.. i couldn't understand why now.. why our family? but for some reason i reached for god to get me through my mom's treatment.. my mom's amazing strength helped me get through my m/c....i hope that it helps.. but know it's what you feel in heart.. sending (((HUGS))) your way..

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