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Blended Families
SS leaving.
He has an April 17th court date. Which means he needs to leave here sometime in the next week. Apparently he has to appear in court so they can tell him the charges have been dropped.
DH says we will pay for the ticket down there, but SS has to find another way to pay for and find his way back. Whether he gets another friend or family member to borrow him the money - or he gets his inheritance money - which is supposed to come soon too - doesn't matter. He needs to figure it out.
I think if SS goes back, he will get a taste of his old party life again and choose to not return. He may even be able to talk his sister into letting him move in with her. As b*tchy as this sounds, I am hoping this is what happens. I really want my life and home back to just DH, me and DD.
If he chooses to come back he's expected to immediately take care of his outstanding warrant issue here. Once he does that, he will not have any more legal or criminal obligations. He can get a clean start. He is expected to get a job, and get on a 6 month plan to move out, get a place of his own, and live life outside of our home.
Whether he leaves here next week and doesn't come back, or if he comes back within a reasonable time frame, serves his Iowa time, and leaves our home 6 months after that - this will be the last time he is in our home.
We are leaving it up to his adultass to decide what he's going to do. If he comes right back, then DH and I will start taking him serious that he wants to get his life in order. If he's gone more than a few weeks, then I am writing him off and he will not be allowed back in our home ever again.
I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SS leaving.
sounds awesome! SO excited for you guys to get back to your selves and be able to focus on your marriage and DD.
hopefully SS has learned SOMETHING from being with you guys and will man up and come back and take care of his charges, if not, no sweat off your brow!
glad things are headed in the right direction for you guys!
Yeah, well DH was an ASSagain tonite and I'm really getting sick of this. I don't know how much is posturing in front of his son, but I'm about to just end it right now.
I go from one extreme to another. I've been crying for the last hour and I'm actually making the friggin' list that my lawyer has asked for to divide the household.
I have watched DD tonite as she gigges at her daddy and them playing and I feel like TOTAL crap.
I'm actually considering asking my dad to help get me a car so that DH doesn't have to be on the loan. I want a really nice $9000 car that I found. Great shape, good buy. I don't even want to ask DH to look at it. I want dad to, and I want dad to help me buy it. Today I actually looked at rental units close to where I work. I've even considered talking to my bank about a short sale. Do you know how long it'sbeen since I've asked my dad for help? And to buy something as simple as a car? Something I should be able to do alone at my age?? I was 24 and fresh out of college. That's how long. Twenty friggin' years. It's embarrassing. But I know he'll do it. He knows my marriage is not strong and I did not even have to tell him. He's even gone so far to offer DD and I a home if we ever need it.
*insert ugly cry here*
I am at such a weird point in my life right now. I have a new, great job. My career is back on track but my marriage SUCKS. I see so much hope and promise and I want to be able to control that without someone else sucking the life, money and energy out of me. Whether that be DH or his kids or both. I'm tired of fixing everyone else's sh*t. Fix your own ***.
It really sucks to be where I'm at now. To see something really great going on in my career and a light in my life, but to have this darkness in another very important part. I didn't enter into marriage lightly. I swore I'd ride out the tough times and here I am wanting to bail. Isn't this the tough times I promised I'd stick out? Geez I need some serious counseling right now. RIght now, your girls are it. I can't afford marriage and personal counseling right now. And possibly DH's.
I'll figure it out. I always do. I just wish life didn't have to suck so damn much.
Great. Are you setting a timeline with DH so he does not come back from FL in 6mos?
Eta, FFFFF, I obviously did not see your update. You have to question if SS moving out will solve the issues or it just puts off the inevitable. Is DH a great father and husband besides when dealing with the older kids or is he the problem? Only you can decide what is best for you and you need to put yourself first and everything will fall into place for DD. good luck, you are a very strong woman and can do it alone of you have too.
I know that you don't really know me since I don't post here very often, but I've been reading about what you're going through, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with all that.
*hugs*
The thing is, parenting is more than playing on the floor...or sitting down and doing the homework...or even enforcing a household rule or two...
It is providing a strong moral - emotional - mental & educational basis so your child can become the best adult they can possibly be. And THOSE are created through overt and SUBLTE actions. If anything, it is confusing and gives a kid an easy way out when Daddy DOES one thing but SAYS another or if Brother gets away with something the Kid doesnt.
I know that it seems like I am pushing the divorce..and I am not. I firmly hope that your DH gets his head out of his hiney-butt. But I also firmly believe that THAT wont happen until you actually make the move to leave him. Not just the talk about it, but the actual move out of the house. It took my second cross ocean trip (the first was already planned, so he never really got it, but the second was totally out of left field).
Give the counselling a shot before you leave or you will spend your life wondering if you did the right thing.
Set a timeline, say 6 months, and if things have not improved or you BOTH have not started working hard on yourself and your marriage then leave.
Certainly don't leave when you are angry, chances are you will go back when you calm down, and that is confusing for your DD.
Walk away when you are emotionally done and not a day before it.
Can you afford to go visit your parents for a week or so? A timeout to think might do you good.
You can pull back from a relatinship without moving out. Start to focus on yourself and getting everything in order. As my counsellor always says 'look after the inside and the rest will follow'. Focus on you and DD and let DH make his own decisions. Life is hard enough without having to pull someone else along all the time.
Good luck xxx
Illumine - you are right as always.
Phantom - I'm going to still consider the therapy and maybe squeak out some private sessions. You are right, I've thought that too, and have been known to change my mind after I've calmed down. When I do it, it will be with a clear head.
She is 100% spot on here.
Best of luck, kiddo.
Keep all of those counseling appointments. They will do you so much good, regardless of your plan of attack.
j+k, i'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you're making the right decisions, and I am sure that you will figure it out.
Good luck getting there.
This may be passive agressive.... So take this advice with a grain of salt.
Buy the car with your dad's help. When DH asks why you didn't come to him tell him it's because you aren't sure how much longer your marriage will survive and you didn't want him to be able to take your car when and if you decide to leave.
Perhaps seeing you extricating certain parts of your life from his will be another good slap in the face (because one slap, never seems to do it).