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LGBT Parenting
If you already have a child or children...
what advice would you give to the couples about to have kids or are thinking about having kids? (e.g. How one's relationship with the spouse/partner/gf/bf may change?)
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Re: If you already have a child or children...
I think it is funny that this has been read 60x and no one had taken the bait.
L says that if people really knew how much their lives would change after having kids, they would never believe you. I agree with that to a degree - but I also think there are a ton of factors that go in to how much your lives will change post kids: your temperament, your partners temperament, your childs temperament, how your child sleeps, the number of kids you have, if both parents work out of the home, finances, commutes, other commitments (school,hobbies, etc), assistance from family (babysitting relief, etc), you/your partners communication style, the climate of your relationship pre kids, etc. I think all of this plays into how your lives will change.
I think our lives were turned upside down. I think it was a combination of having twins, having absolutely no familial/friend help, and not sleeping through the night until the boys were 3.5y - added to 2 stressful jobs with long commutes and 1 PhD in progress.
One of the things I find most difficult is finding the time to just talk. I feel that most every conversation is interrupted by someone (even if it is having to say to said child, "Please don't interrupt while Mom and I are talking.") And by the time the kids go to bed at 8-8:30 we are too mentally/physically exhausted to have an extensive conversation about anything meaningful.
One of the things that I found surprising was that how I thought I would be with my kids, isn't really how I am. I have extensive experience with kids and a degree in child development but I find that I am much less patient that I thought I would be. At work, people comment all of the time about how unflappable/calm/level headed I am and yet when I am home with two 5y olds who are naked wrestling instead of getting dressed and ignoring me for the 3x all of that calm/level headedness goes flying out the window and I yell. Not my finest moment - but just to show that having experience with kids and having your own kids are 2 different things. You don't get to go home at the end of the day and leave the kids with their parents and sleep in till 9am to recharge your batteries.
That is the other thing I have found difficult - there is never down time. We've never had any family to help (ILs babysit for 1 day this Christmas break for the first time ever.) Because both sets of grandparents live 600+ miles away. And getting a sitter is $$$. So, our downtime is our commutes (and L makes calls on her commute so she can bill for work.)
That all being said, I ADORE my kids and would do it again in a heartbeat. The boys are at a great age as they try to be all tough and hang out with their friends talking about Star Wars and yet are still so loveable and cuddly. Last night I was finishing up talking with L's mom and Carter came over, wrapped his arms around me, buried his cheek in my belly, and said, "I love you SOOOOOO much." There is nothing better.
have a lot of sex, because you will have none after you have baby(/ies).
on a more serious note, I kind of feel untested. they're still cute and cuddly and all that. I have no idea how to answer that.
This!!!!
And a more detailed answer later.
Being pregnant and having our son took a major toll on my partner. I loved it. We're on two opposite side when it comes to having a child. I find myself as my son's caretaker, playmate, comfort, and social companion all roll into one person. My other half isn't as able or flexible as I am. Our son still loves her regardless. Our relationship is strained at the moment but I am hoping it will improve down the road for everyone's stake.
As I recall one of the pp has said - it's a day to day thing, so take in both the good and bad things- you'll find that nothing can outdo the horrible stuff when your child shares his love with you!