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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
Bruises
CFjo2010
member
Last night my husband received 2 text messages from BM. They were pictures of "bruises" K has. And by bruises, I mean so tiny they barely showed up in the photos. There is one on her thigh, which we know happened this weekend when the kids were playing with water guns in the backyard. K was running and squirting and then ran right into the patio chairs. The other alleged bruise on K's back we couldn't even see in the photo, but it probably happened at the same time as her leg.
K bruises all the time. She's a rough little girl who plays hard with her brother at our home and her Uncles when she's with BM. My son is 12, and her uncles range from 23-14. She roughhouses, plain and simple. Whenever we notice a bruise or any sort of mark, we ask what silly game she was playing when she got it. If she giggles and tells a story (which is always the case) we let it go. If she were to ever get quiet or seem upset about the mark, we'll obviously document it. To date, we've never taken any photos. Now I'm wondering if maybe we should have been.
BM does this all the time. She is constantly taking photos of any tiny scrape, scratch, bruise or bump that appears on K. Last year she filed a Domestic Violence Restraining Order and took all the photos in, including pictures from when the kitten scratched K's arm. The Judge denied the request. We're worried she's going to try and pull it again. This can't be healthy for K, right? It can't be healthy for her to have to stand there in her panties while Mommy takes pictures of her "boo-boos", right?
My husband and I don't want to play the games BM is playing. We don't want to make K feel uncomfortable and take photos every time K comes here with any sort of mark on her. We know she isn't being abused, and do see the need to put her through that. Any advice?
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Re: Bruises
Honestly, kids are going to be kids. I bruise so easily, I am sure it looks like my DH hits me at times, which he would NEVER think of.
My SS (12) used to come over all the time with bruises and cuts. They fall off bikes, they play sports, things happen!
There is definitely abuse that happens in some families, but it sounds like the BM just wants to cause problems.
Not much you can do, but let BM know where they came from. If she files a report be open and honest and it will end up thrown out. If she does it enough times the court will reprimand her and you may even be able to get a judgement against her for harassment.
SD comes over with some "questionable" bruises. a purple one on her butt once and a different time one that looked like fingers on her inner thigh, we were NOT happy about it. We asked SD where she got them and she honestly didn't even remember! so we decided not to press the issue.
Sounds to me like your BM is just trying to cause trouble, since a judge already dismissed her case once its unlikely anything will come of it. perhaps you can have a talk with SD. Telll her BM sent pictures of her bruises, ask her if she knows why BM took the pictures, if she was comfortable with BM taking the pictures etc. Tell SD that its okay for her to tell mommy that she doesn't want her taking pictures of her in her undies.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Asking the child about injuries and feeling comfortable with her answers is all you guys need to do. Her mom is crazy if she thinks this is good for her child.
When SD was 4 (now 16) BM#1 video taped one of her injuries. SD was with DH visiting family. They left through the garage (which they use instead of the front door) and SD tripped falling on her knee and side of her face. DH called BM immediately and told her what happened. We didn't know about the video tape. Fast foward to 5 years ago and BM asked DH to put some VHS tapes on CD for her of the kids. We made the mistake of all watching them as a family because it is funny to see them so young. Imagine our shock when the tape of SD in her undies "documenting" her injuries by BM. If you could have seen the look on SDs face you would cry(on the video and in person). It was terrible! It still bothers me till this day.
I don't know how to make BM stop but just ignore as much of it as possible. I know for sure if BM tried to do that now with SD at 16, SD would tell her to jump in a lake. One day SD will help stop her moms crazy even if it shouldn't be that way.
I would do a preemptive strike one week. If there are any "bruises", take a picture and send them to her immediately.
"Just want you to know that baby got a bruise doing X. Since you seem so concerned, I thought I would make sure you got notification as soon as possible."
Do it for every little thing that week. (make it a game with your SD). In the end, BM will pretty much stop given you are preempting her "game"
My husband actually suggested something similar to this. Because K plays so rough (which I'm glad for, it would be a bummer if she was "a delicate little flower" and didn't play) she is getting bruises all the time. They're always relatively small bruises, and never anything to be concerned about. He made a comment to me last night that from now one we should photograph every little bruise/mark/scratch/bump that K comes to us with and text the pictures to BM, and basically parrot her concerns, "K has this bruise on her leg/arm/back/pinky and wanted to bring it to your attention and ask that you watch her more closely when she's in your care".
Maybe a preemptive strike approach would be best. At least that way when she pitches a fit or tries to go to Court about it, my husband can say "Your Honor, I told her what happened as soon as it happened and before she even saw K." I just would like K to have some peace and be able to be a kid, KWIM?
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I very much feel your pain! During the first full year of DH and I dating, BM and their current daycare provider (who told DH she hates men!) ganged up on DH and called CPS twice! The first time was when SS4 busted up his lip when he fell at a children's waterpark area. We'd told BM and the provider what happened but they still called CPS even after SS confirmed our story. Then about a month later SD6 fell off her bike and bruised her neck. We unfortunately forgot to tell BM and the provider, but again they still called CPS after SS told them what happened. So both times the cops prevented DH from seeing the kids for a couple days, went to BM's house and talked to the kids and went to DH's house to talk to him. Both times no one was found at fault. DUH! Now CPS has notes on our "account" that there have been two false alarms already. So if she calls them again, it might be handled with a little more skeptisism (sp?).
BM has always said that the kids never get hurt at her house. But they come home with scrapes and bruises all the time, from her house and daycare! But any time BM brings this up, I remind her that the last hospital visit the kids had was when at HER house, SS fell into the window sill when her dog jumped on him, causing him to need LOTS of stiches in the back of his head. She quiets down fast after that!
Like you said, kids are kids! I guess all we can do as SM's is to inform BM when the kids get visibly injured. It sucks that we have to report to her, but I'd prefer that over involving the kids with CPS anyday! Good luck!
Oh my word, I am so sorry for all the CPS drama you have had to deal with!!! I cannot believe a mother would put their child through all that. Thankfully my husband and I aren't worried about BM getting CPS involved. We have absolutely nothing to hide, and would invite them in the investigate. However, I'm sure BM doesn't want CPS going to her residence where she'll have to explain the living/sleeping arrangements.
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I know nothing major will come of the photos and bruises. The Judge already denied her most recent attempt at obtaining a DVRO. In fact, he even made a statement along the lines of "Kids will be kids, and they get bruises" and admonished her for wasting the Court's time on something this silly.
My main concern is the long term effects this may have on K. It has to be (emotionally) uncomfortable to stand there in her panties while Mommy takes photos of every single tiny mark. My husband is concerned about the answers BM gives K when she asks why the photos are being taken. He's going to talk to K tomorrow after we pick her up from school. I mentioned to him PP's comment of telling K that it's ok to tell Mommy (or us) that she's uncomfortable having her picture taken in that manner. He really likes the idea of encouraging K to speak up when something is bothering her.
I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice. This is such a strange situation and nothing I've ever really dealt with. I've never taken photos of any of the kids' bruises/scratches/marks when they come home from their father's (or BM's) because they seem to always have some silly and funny story to tell about how they got hurt. My feeling has always been that unless the kids seem upset about the injury, then it's really nothing for me to get worked up about.
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