Not sure what to do

lafayettegirl · April 2012

I just got an email from a friend who has decided to adopt. She and her husband want a daughter, but don't want to got through another pregnancy. (they have 2 boys already.) They originally signed with a local agency, but we're having a really bad experience, so they found an agency in Utah to work with who seems to move things along really quickly. They have not yet gotten their home study approved, but are already being shown to several folks. They could be matched ASAP and have a baby girl in the next couple of months.

We, on the other hand, have been working with a different local agency and have been officially waiting on a match for a baby for over 2 months, with little in the way of prospects. I'm torn between desperately wanting to get a match and waiting on God's timeline for our family. The wait seems unbearably long already because of the 2.5 years of infertility we dealt with before the adoption process.

How do you know or decide to branch out? I've toyed with the idea of sending our approved home study to other agencies, but our current SW said she can't send us a copy of our home study because it contains official background check information. So even if I wanted to send it to another agency, I'm not sure how I would even get it there, especially if I didn't want to alert our current agency.

It is breaking my heart to see these friends getting shown so quickly after all of our struggles, and I just don't know that we know how to decide how to best advocate for ourselves.

noonecarewhoiam · April 2012

This is an ugly truth about private adoption: If you have money, and are willing to bend ethically, you can get a child faster. You can also get a child of a preferred race or gender (note: while I believe that race is a critical factor in determining which child one feels capable of parenting, I do not believe in adopting for gender selection).

For your own peace of mind, don't compare with your friends. When we were going through IF treatments and adoption, 2 MEN had a baby faster than we did--and it was all about the money. Sounds cynical, but there are individuals and agencies for whom adoption is a business--both domestic and internationally. And Utah, with it's crazy adoption laws, it home to many of them.

Know that 2 months is a very short time to wait. There are other avenues you can pursue, but you will have to look at the economics and ethics of those avenues.

moosegal · April 2012

I just had to comment on what PP said about agencies in UT: We adopted through an agency in UT and have nothing but amazing things to say about everyone we dealt with there. I am really giving a Hmm to PP who suggested that agencies in UT are unethical or have "crazy" adoption laws. The fact of the matter is, we used a large agency in UT that does over 100 placements per year and doesn't have a huge influx of prospective adoptive parents. So, just because of the numbers, the odds were on our side. We were also very open to what we would accept, so that opened us up to seeing more situations as well. If you are with a small agency that only does a few placements per year, you may be waiting longer, unfortunately.

As for the "crazy" adoption laws in UT, they're probably the most favorable to adoptive parents in the country. Having gone through a failed placement in our home state (not UT) and having to literally drive a baby back to the agency, I see absolutely nothing wrong in a state that protects AP's rights.

As for the money angle, we used a private agency. Their fees were not outrageous when compared with every other private agencies we looked at. In fact, one thing we loved about the agency is that none of our money was at risk if we were to have a failed placement/match. Our fees covered ample counseling for the birthmother (both pre- and post-placement), which was important to us. In fact, when our BM was in a severe car accident just a couple of months ago, the agency is the one who contacted us to let us know, as they were still keeping tabs on her, and I can tell you their response and support to her during that time was way above anything a "business" would do.

It's really up to you what you want to do. I find it strange that your SW will not share your homestudy with you. Yes, it contains confidential background info, but it's YOUR background info. Another thing you might consider is sticking with your current agency but also signing with another. The one we used in UT required no upfront fees and no money was due until a match was made. If you absolutely can't get your homestudy from your SW and you want to go to another agency, there are homestudy agencies that can do a report specifically for you to use wherever you like. It would cost more money, but at least you wouldn't be tied down.

Good luck with your decision. The waiting is so hard, especially when you have already been through so much.

Jenn is Silly · April 2012

I disagree that the length of your wait/process changes with money. I think the key to adoption is networking and picking the right agency/lawyer/facilitator for you. I know many people who hit the pavement with their networking and word of mouth "campaigns" and had short waits because they got the word out and out themselves out there. I also know of people who have invested large amounts with agencies, facilitators, consultants you name it and are still waiting.

Bottom line, IMO, your baby will find you when he or she is meant to. When I look at my daughter- she was 100% meant to be in OUR family. She IS us.

I think that if you're not happy with your agency, that's something to address with them or look for alternatives. I think there can be a competitive feel in adoption that one couple being matched is taking away from other couples- but it's not. It's a birth family picking the right adoptive family for that child, and it's not fair to place labels or judgements on specific agencies or states because of their laws or placement rates.

I know waiting is hard, and you certainly have options available to you- if your interested in signing with another agency or other networking professional, absolutely investigate it and if it feels right go for it!

lafayettegirl · April 2012

Thanks. I wasn't aware of any "strange" laws in Utah, but I was aware that there are some agencies there that would rather work with people of the Mormon faith.

The location isn't a problem, the money is. Our friends are going to probably going to pay closer to $50k, while we want to stay closer to the $20-25k mark. I am beginning to feel that the money can be an advantage or disadvantage, depending on what you want to spend.

We're not sure how to network. We tell friends and family, but there is nothing that ever comes of it. Most folks don't know anything about adoption. We talked to my gun, but she said they rarely are able to help because most women they see who could consider adoption just terminate the pregnancy. I was going to contact local high schools, but I got so discouraged after talking to the gym, that I didn't follow through.

I just feel so lost and discouraged. There are days I remain strong in my faith that this will work the way it is supposed to, but then there are days like today when I feel like I am supposed to be doing something more, though I just don't know what.

mommytoconnor · April 2012

I feel for your frustration. However pls understand that two months is nothing. I know people who have waited much longer. The fact is that with some agencies, money talks. This is not ethical, but it does happen. I also know that with some agencies, religion or ethnicity also matter. It's so sad to say but again, it happens. If you are not confident in your case worker, I would definately look into other agencies. Your homestudy is yours and you can take it anywhere you like. If she is saying she can't give it to you she's not telling the truth. It is yours and you have every right to it. You may have to get another background check done if you change, but the homestudy part is absolutely yours. As far as networking goes, I know a lot of families who let it be known through their friends, family, church, work that they are wanting to adopt. I agree with the poster who said that your friend shouldn't adopt for gender choice. Adoption, in my opinion, should be because you want to be a parent, not because you didn't get the gender of your choice when giving birth. That seems to go against why most people adopt. Have you checked into the foster system to adopt. If you are open to different races, genders, and backgrounds, you can often times get a placement much quicker than a private adoption. This is an option. I hope you get a match quickly, but have faith that you will be matched when the time is right. Keep your chin up.

inlovewithB · April 2012

Jenn is Silly:
I disagree that the length of your wait/process changes with money. I think the key to adoption is networking and picking the right agency/lawyer/facilitator for you. I know many people who hit the pavement with their networking and word of mouth "campaigns" and had short waits because they got the word out and out themselves out there. I also know of people who have invested large amounts with agencies, facilitators, consultants you name it and are still waiting.
Bottom line, IMO, your baby will find you when he or she is meant to. When I look at my daughter- she was 100% meant to be in OUR family. She IS us.
I think that if you're not happy with your agency, that's something to address with them or look for alternatives. I think there can be a competitive feel in adoption that one couple being matched is taking away from other couples- but it's not. It's a birth family picking the right adoptive family for that child, and it's not fair to place labels or judgements on specific agencies or states because of their laws or placement rates.
I know waiting is hard, and you certainly have options available to you- if your interested in signing with another agency or other networking professional, absolutely investigate it and if it feels right go for it!

This is worded perfectly!! I truly believe our children come to us when they are supposed to, and their arrival is really out of our control. Best of luck to you while you wait!!

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