XP: Help from parents/in-laws?

brandenburdett · April 2012

This is going to sound strange, but I have never understood what parents or in-laws do to help after the baby arrives. It seems like more of a hassle to have extra people in my house - then I have to have food and a bed and be sociable when I would rather be just getting used to BFing and dealing with all the post-partum repairs... I kind of want to be greedy and selfish and keep my little family all to myself for a couple of weeks!

Did you have people come and 'help' with the new baby? What did they do?

(My family are in Australia and won't visit for a couple of months, and my in-laws live 2.5hr away but will be here as soon as they can.)

EastCoastBride · April 2012

I think it depends on your relationship w/ said relatives. I know there are women who are really close to their mom's and their moms really, truly HELP. They aren't a guest as much as they are there to do most of the work for you.

That being said, if you can't see the benefit of your IL's coming to "help", then don't have them do that. AND you don't have to have ANYONE actuallly stay with you. I don't care about "this is how it's done in our family" - of any time in your life where you're allowed to say "we can't host you- you need to stay in a hotel", this is absolutely that time.

My parents, who live pretty close, cooked us a TON of food. Every time they came to visit, they had a new stash of food for us. The first week or two- I was literally forgetting to eat, so when I did remember - not having to actually make it was a HUGE HUGE HUGE help.

So, yes, people can be of help to you, but that doesn't mean you have to open your home for a week, or two weeks, or what have you and have them stay with you. You can set boundaries around this.

vanverth · April 2012

I had a c-section so mom and dad where very helpful taking care of the things that I could not lift when I was home alone.

BrideBuddies · April 2012

It totally depends on your situation and relationship with the parents/in-laws.

My mom knows she drives me nuts after about a week. When I had Charles, she was planning to wait for word from us on when to come visit. Ended up calling her after only a few days since I had complications from my c-section and DH needed her help.. as little as that was. She did the dishes.. that was about it. She definitely lacks the nurturing gene... always has. She'd rather go shopping.

Oh.. and I have no in-laws.. they passed away long before I met DH.

But there's no way I'd have anyone other than DH in the delivery room or waiting with open arms as I walk in the door with the baby. To me, it's private time for our new family.. not all the extended relatives. But that's how I was raised. Other families are much closer and it's natural for them to be all over in everyone's business like that. Not for me.

stever · April 2012

I have no idea how many of them help. My mom came to "help" after DS was born and she mostly just sat there.

MIL will be coming for a few weeks after New Baby is born, but that will be to entertain DS.

ateytelb · April 2012

My mother really did help a lot and she still does. My parents even moved closer to us, and now they are only 5 min away. My IL's are in their late 80s. They live 1h away, and they came over a couple of times after our babies were born, just to see them. They couldn't do much else. Now we drive over there once a month, so they can see the kids.

klmbbb · April 2012

As PPs have said, it depends on how helpful they will be. If they are just going to sit around and expect to be hosted, you don't need that. If they are going to cook, clean and take care of the baby (or any combination of these things) then that sounds helpful to me and I would gladly accept the help. In the case of my in-laws (MIL in particular) she means well but would do more harm then good so we politely say thank you but don't take her up on her offer for help.

Pesky · April 2012

ditto pps -- depends on the relationship you have. My parents came out and weren't THAT useful. I think part of that was due to me -- I had no idea how to direct my mom in doing stuff. I eat leaner than they do and she's wrecked many an item of clothing so didn't dare trust her with laundry. She was great about watching the baby while I showered or went to a movie. Otherwise, I had to come up with a detailed list. MIL was great though. She cleaned the house, did laundry for us and cooked, all without a word. And she would also watch the baby for me. When DS was born, she was great about keeping DD entertained.

northhillsbride · April 2012

Another "ditto" on the relationship you have with them.

When DS#1 was born, my parents came up for a few days - Mom cooked meals, did the grocery shopping and helped me by taking care of my little guy while I showered, napped, pumped. She also was a HUGE help that first night home when we were exhausted and he was crying non-stop at 3am. My Mom came out and took him from me, and tehn sent me to bed for 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep; she just rocked him, shushed him, and snuggled him. Them being there also helped me get out of the house for 1 hr with DH for a break!

With #2, I had a c-section and my Mom stayed with us for 3 weeks (it led right into Easter weekend, so my Dad drove up to stay for a few days as well). My mom really helped with caring for my oldest son, grocery shopping and cooking. She did laundry (and hand-washed sheets b/c our washing broke a few days after I came home from the hospital); #1 got sick in the middle of the night one night and she heard him (we were in a deep, exhausted sleep). And she provided good company for me and forced me to nap!

It's all what you want out of the visit and the relationship you have. You have to do what's best for you and your family!

jlw2505 · April 2012

It all depends on the people that will come to visit. My ILS would be more work but my mom basically moved in - she did the laundry, she cooked, she made her own bed, etc. DH and I only had to deal with our child (children the 2nd time around). When I was on bedrest for 2 weeks, my mom cut short her vacation and moved into my house for 5-6 weeks (bed rest, a week while waiting for DD to be born and then stayed while I was in the hospital for a week and a week or so once I was home). She helped take care of me, she helped take care of my older DD, she stayed with me in the hospital when my DH took care of my older DD. She cleaned, did laundry, cooked, etc. We didn't ask - she offered and it was a life saver. Yes, DH could have done it all but he would have been exhausted. My mom lives out of state. My ILS live 10 mins away and never offered to bring a meal over, never came to visit while I was on bedrest, etc. My FIL did help baby sit my older DD when I went into the hospital with pre-term labor but that was it. If they came to stay, it would have been more work for DH and I. It all really depends on the people. My SIL had twins and she hired a night nanny to help with night feedings and other small things so they could get sleep at night and her parents (my ILS) did help out while she was home during the day but there were times that it was a lot mnore wor and more stressful to my SIL than if she had been alone from what I have been told.

RockyMtnMama · April 2012

My parents/in-laws cooked, cleaned, went shopping, planned a birthday party and watched our older kid (when we had our second), held the baby when I napped, took the dog on walks, etc.

They pretty much stepped up and did all the day-to-day stuff so I could just breast feed, eat, and recover. I recovered pretty quickly, so they also went and did some touristy stuff with us when I was feeling up to it.

gimmietimmies · April 2012

I have to agree with the others, it depends on your relationships. Up until recently, both sets of parents were working, so as far as anyone coming over to help, there wasn't anyone to help - and we have a fair amount of family close by. When S was born, my mom flew in to help. I did not host her. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, sorted out the kids. MIL tried to help, she's a sweetheart, but her ideas and methods of cleaning and organizing tend to create more work (both SIL's agree, and one is her own daughter!). Both my SIL's stopped over to help, and FIL took the girls out.

For me it was helpful because L was also inpatient for a month at the time. It was weird too, because I'd never had help like that before.

brandenburdett · April 2012

Thanks for all of your responses! It seems that there are two factors influencing how useful the grandparents can be: me, and the grandparents. I've been thinking about what other people can actually do to help us so that their helpfulness can be more directed and purposeful.... I don't expect people to clean my toilet, but if they could take the dog for a walk, that would be fabulous!

Thanks for the responses, everyone. You're a great bunch of people.

Kristi1971 · April 2012

I have had direct-family, friends, and in-law family alk help out. And they were truly helpful. I had help with housework, making meals, helping change diapers and feedings. I have twin baby girls, and the help has been needed and a blessing. Sometimes I've almost had too much help (over-stepping a little), but I know in my head that it is well-intentioned. I also have a great relationship with my family and friends. Smile

If there is concern over the "help" you will receive, there is nothing wrong with making sure they know how they can help you best. Smile Otherwise, it's possible that you end up with guests instead of help.

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