Is this what my future holds?
Happily Overwhelmed
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Here's my new mini vent---and maybe a reality check?
One of DH's friends and his wife asked us to do something 2 weeks ago. Since then they've cancelled 3 times (whatever). Although they were the ones that asked us to do something somehow we're having dinner at our house. They didn't want to go out to eat because that would cost more and they have a 2 year old that might or might not behave.
So now, here I am with a fussy 3 month old all week trying my best to keep my house picked up and do a deep clean on it. DH's friend's wife is like "super mom". They live in a 600 foot square house she keeps immaculate. We live in a 2,600+ square house I struggle heavily with. So already off the bat I'm feeling like a bum as I continue to find dust bunnies and cobwebs. LO is not letting me do anything but hold him---and let's face it ladies, how much can we get done with this going on? DH is working today so he's no help.
I'm not used to small children and have NO idea how to prepare for a 2 year old (like, are coloring books and crayons okay?).
But here's what REALLY gets me about the whole situation. We asked them to come at 5:30 for dinner. They told us that they couldn't make that happen. Their 2 year old doesn't get up from he nap until then or a bit after.
Congrats to them for having a schedule. But for some reason I'm rubbed the wrong way by it. Probably because it has turned into me doing everything. But really? You can't tweak the nap a bit? You can't put her down a half hour earlier and make it work? Does she tell time at 2 years old?
Part of me wants to play this game. DS usually goes to bed at 8. Which means we start getting him ready a little after 7. I half feel like pushing them out the door.
So, do I need a reality check? Is this how having kids is going to be and I'm going to hit that point soon?
Re: Is this what my future holds?
I dunno - I feel like there are details missing. So here's my take.
1. Was it a "Let's get together!" thing and you offered up your house, or did they say, "Let's have dinner at your place!" The first thing happens all the time in our circle of friends; we essentially rotate around houses. So, NBD if that's the case here. If you don't want them there, don't offer up your house.
2. Let them bring stuff to entertain their kid. I'd assume they know you *don't* have a 2-year-old or anything to entertain said two-year-old.
3. I only clean the places people will see. Which isn't 2600 sq. ft. in your case; no reason to do a home tour. Also, people know we have a baby. They've adjusted their expectations accordingly.
4. 5:30 seems really early for dinner, and I wouldn't wake my kid up either. Getting to your place by 5:30 would mean cutting into the kid's nap by quite a bit if the kid normally isn't even awake then.
5. There's nothing to stop you from putting your kid down and then coming back to the group. We've done that. Our friends do that. Your mileage may vary. But there's no reason to play a "game" with them - I'm not even sure why it became a tit-for-tat thing in your mind.
The Out-Of-Date Bio | The Blog I've Started Updating Again
WOW! everything you are annoyed about is reasonable.
First off I dont have any friends of mine or DHs that would be critical of my house to a degree I would feel that way, I hope these people are not like that to you, or else dump them. My motto is you come to see me not my house. Now dont get me wrong my house is neat but with a two yr old and a 3 month old things can get messy even after I clean.
on another note, that is wicked damn late for a 2 yr old nap, and good to have a schedule but you have to teach your kids to be flexible too. If we are going somewhere a nap can be skipped or time changed, thats how life is. It does not revolve around your child so teaching them that IMO is not good. Also some 2 yrs olds love to color others hate it, their parents should know enough to bring a backpack of toys to entertain their child. They do not represent most people with children, we see our friends and family all the time on the weekends, and things are flexible. You don't have to let your kids run your life but some people use them as excuses to just be bad friends.
I understand both points. I'd be annoyed too at having to host, even though they were the ones who invited you out. And I understand the frustration at trying to keep a clean house with a fussy baby. My place is an absolute wreck right now too, and I'm jealous of my friends who don't have random burp cloths and baby toys scattered around their house.
On the other hand, I understand your friends wanting to keep to their toddler's schedule. One of my best friends has a 2 year old, and they really can't tweak his nap schedule at all else he's incredible off. As frustrating as it is to find a time to get together with her, I get it. It's not fun for either of us to deal with a crabby toddler while we're trying to hang out, and once E gets into more of a schedule, I'm probably going to be "that mom" too.
As for things for the 2 year old to play with, I'd let her mom worry about it. I don't expect other people to provide things to entertain E when I'm at their houses, and I'm certainly not going to run out to get things for their kids.
Ella born 12/21/11
I'm sure details are missing! I'm allowing myself a 5 minute break from cleaning every now and then;).
We moved in the middle of last year. They haven't seen the house yet. So they were the ones that said "Are you free? We want to do something". However it spilled into "we haven't seen the house yet and want to". Therefore that's why I'm cleaning it everywhere. Ugh! And that's why we feel obligated to have them come over. Somehow though it got turned into "let's eat at your house" when I was hoping to take a quick tour and get the heck out of here (I'm getting stir crazy stuck home as it is!). They suggested take out---but DH is picking it up because we're closer to the choosen take out choice. So at least I don't have to cook! But feel like I should make something dessert wise to "be a good hostess" (this one is my mom's fault--it was how I was raised).
People in our area normally always eat between 5-7. I know to other areas (especially bigger cities) this might sound nuts. My sisters from Chicago and she finds eating early absurd.
You're right... I should expect them to prepare to entertain their own 2 year old. I guess I've had bad experiences with small children in the past so I feel like I need to have something on hand.
That's what I thought!!! Like I just said in my previous response...most people eat at 5 of a little after around here. It seems crazy to me to have your child just getting up then. I'm all about schedules and getting naps in (thank God for naps!) but like you, I feel like the world shouldn't revolve around the set schedule and schedules should be tweaked.
The house cleaning business is just insane because we moved and they want the tour. I'm not so upset about the random burp clothes and toys. More about the piles of boxes that haven't quite found their way and the messes in rooms that haven't quite found purpose.
Eh, I may be annoyed at it turning into dinner at your house, but just let it go. Who cares if she's supermom? Just do what you are comfortable with & live with it.
I think it's pretty crappy that you are "playing the game" because you don't like when their child naps. The 2 year old I nannied last year didn't wake up from her nap until closer to 5 so I don't think it's that crazy. Some kids really need the extra sleep. Stop judging.
And honestly, you wouldn't want my two year old at your house if she hasn't napped.
You say that now but once your child is on a schedule, I can almost guarantee that you won't be so quick to jump at the thought of messing with your kid's sleeping schedule, of all things. Just think, having them change their toddler's schedule just to make your dinner easier might be good for you. But then their parents have to deal with a toddler that is off schedule and probably will not have a good night's sleep. So while your baby is sleeping on their nightly schedule, their toddler is not. Not very fair on their part. While I agree that the child does have a later nap, that's what works for them. Take it or leave it.
Fastest year of my life.
Thanks ladies.
I think I'm more annoyed with my house, their rules. And how they didn't care when we said our child needs to get ready for bed an hour after there's gets up moreless.
You're right. I might change my tune after LO has a set schedule. I was raised in a house where we got naps...just not always at a percise time. I guess I don't yet realise how important this can be.
And it's not at all that I think their DD should NOT get a nap. I just don't understand why they couldn't work around it better (like put her down sooner or ask to do lunch over dinner, etc).
I think you are getting really worked up over, what seems to me, to be not that big of a deal. If they can't make 5:30, just ask them to come later. If that won't work for you, plan another time.
Agreed.
I get not wanting to change a nap, and with some kids you can't just put them down earlier and they will get up earlier, nevernind be happy.
I think it is the parents responsibility to entertain their kiddo, but it's polite of the host to have something. Personally, I would pick up a book or two and a few wood puzzles-you will use them later and their kiddo can use them now.
If it truly is a couple you feel you need to Play a tit-for-tat game with, I would question the desire to have them over-it sounds like a waste of your time and theirs.
Also, yeah, it's not easy keeping a house clean, be it your 2600 sq footer or her 600 one, but that's life. If they can't overlook the fact that you have a young baby and a few cobwebs, maybe they aren't true friends.
I'm just curious, do you work or stay at home? I struggle to keep our house clean but that's because I work full time. I just read that you aren't cooking and that your DH is getting takeout. This seems like a win win for you, you don't have to cook and you are in the comfort if your own home and can put baby down if need be vs rushing out of a restaurant.
Sounds to me like you don't particularly care for these "friends" because I don't think they are out of line at all. They want to see your new house and they want their 2 year old to nap, BFD.
These friends seem to have no flexibility and are pretty self centered if you ask me.
IMO life with a not even 4 month old is much harder than that with a 2 year old. If I were them I'd be scheduling around the NEW parent, not around the experienced parents. Good for a nap schedule- but there has to be some flexibility. Also they won't go out to dinner because their 2 year old might or might not behave?
From your post it seems to me that this lady is super rigid. It's not okay for her to have unmoveable demands that suit her needs, and you have to constantly accomodate. I'm kind of appalled.
Why does this have anything to do with it? Keeping the house clean is just as much of a struggle whether you SAH or work 80 hours a week.
Breastfeeding and pregnant!
um my house was much cleaner when I was still on leave. those 50 hours a week out of the house do kind of put a damper on keeping/getting the house clean
eta: not saying a sahm should have a spotless house, just that i think there is a difference in the ease of getting a house clean if one is home more.
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
Lol you are kidding right?
A SAHM is at home 60 more hours a week than I am. Even if 1/10 of that time was with a baby napping that would give me almost an hour a day to clean. I get up at 5am to pump, out the door by 6 am. By the time I get home from picking up lo, it's time to make dinner, do our bath and bedtime routine, clean up dishes, wash bottles and pump parts, get everything ready for the next day, pump and collapse in a heap and pass out by 10pm.
This isn't meant to be a pissing match between working moms and SAH moms, it's just simple math. More hours at home= time to clean.
My house was much cleaner when I was on leave too. When Little A napped, I used that time to clean. Or when he played on his mat, I could vacuum a room or two. Just doing a few little things a day really added up. Now the issue is more that when I am at home, especially during the week, I want to spend my "free" time at home with him and not cleaning my house.
ditto. My house is a complete disaster these days!
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
Breastfeeding and pregnant!
I understand the frustration of feeling like you have to host when that wasnt what you were really bargaining for in the first place but try and look at the positives. I would always MUCH rather have people to my house because it is easier for my kids. You will be able to feed your baby where its comfortable (not sure if you are nursing or not but you can easily excuse yourself when you need to feed the baby and do so in a quiet comfy chair in the nursery vs. at someone elses house on the couch or even worse at a table in a restaurant). You can also do her normal bedtime routine...the other couple have a child, they will understand if you need to take 20 mins to get her changed and settled and put down. The nice part is you can come back down and continue to socialize and feel comfortable knowing your baby is safe and sound in their normal routine.
As for the 5:30 eating time/waking up from a nap late...I cant comment much on this because neither of my kids are on a schedule AT ALL. We have a schedule that we do when things are typical or in a perfect circumstance but we've had to hold loosely to things like nap time or even bed time (DS has a medical condition so we have a LOT of appts every week, most of which I dont have the luxury of scheduling around my kids naptime). So some days DS naps early, other days he naps late and DD has had to learn to nap on the go. I dont think it should be that big a deal to modify dinner by 30 mins or so esp. if you are just doing take out.
As for having toys, the parents should totally bring their own, if nothing else you can flip on PBS and let them watch a show for 20 mins if they need to be distracted. It just seems like you feel overwhelmed and frazzled and annoyed by the whole thing so every little detail is frustrating you, which is okay. We all have those days where everything just seems to be really inconvenient and annoying. Try to just enjoy the adult company and have fun! I find a glass of wine can help greatly with the relaxing on evenings like this ;-)
In my house, more time at home equals a cleaner house. I'm off in the summers and my house is much cleaner than during the school year. I also do most of the housework. Dh handles the pets, yard, and trash. I've done both so I can say with certainty that for me, I got much done around the house when I was home versus working. I could actually get quite a bit done while he rode in the ergo.
Do you use a carrier? I used to vacuum while h was in the ergo an he'd go o sleep right away, lol!
Yeah I do wear him while doing certain chores (he loves the noise of the vacuum) but he can't sleep in the carriers so I have to lay down and nap with him in bed.
Breastfeeding and pregnant!