Wish I wasn't here

jbranden12 · April 2012

Hi ladies,

I have been reading the board for a couple of days now and am ready to come out. On Tuesday of last week, I went in to the Dr. after not feeling movement the night before and discovered that our baby's heart was no longer beating at 31 weeks. I was induced on Thursday evening and delivered a perfect little girl early Friday morning. She weighed 4 pounds, 2 ounces and was 16.5 inches long. My husband and I held her, as did my parents, and NILMDTS took photographs.

We are shocked and devastated. My pregnancy had been perfect up until then. We do not have a cause of death yet, and though we decided to do an autopsy, my feelings are conflicted as to whether or not I want a cause to be found. We wanted our little girl so badly, and all I can think about is that I want a baby. But I don't want another baby, I want my little girl. My milk came in this morning and it has been difficult. I have no idea how I will go on with the life we were living.

I don't think I've even begun the process of grieving. It is still an unbelievable nightmare.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. We all hate to have to welcome you to this group but know we are all here for you in whatever way you may need. The women here are amazing. The first few days and weeks are very difficult to say the least. With time you will start to learn how to copy with your new life. Feel free to post here as often or little as you need to. Wishing you and your family peace during this difficult time. {{HUGS}}

dandywarhol · April 2012

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. Did you name her? We don't like to have to welcome anyone new to this board considering the reason we're all here. Please take comfort in knowing that the women on this board are very kind and supportive. I hope we can help you through this nightmare. We are here for you for whatever you are feeling, bad or good.

krysiahamaty · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you weren't here either but the ladies here are amazing. You will find comfort and support here. Big hugs.

wmthorpe0815 · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. What is her name? I hope you find comfort here. Like the other girls said we dont like to see new people on here but the women are amazing. I have found alot of peace being on here talking to women similiar to me. My heart breaks for you and your family. Again I am sorry and I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

littlepenguin2012 · April 2012

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Would you feel comfortable sharing your little girl's name with us? I hate to welcome you here, but I hope this will be a place of comfort and support for you.

Heatherhah · April 2012

I am so sorry you have to join us. I am also so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Hugs! We are all her for you!!

foxxy1 · April 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. *HUGS*

These are a great group of ladies and are very, very supportive of each other.

barrona · April 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. As the other ladies have said, I hate to welcome anyone here, but this board has been such a place of comfort and support for me and I hope it can be the same for you as well. You, your husband and your little girl are in my thoughts and prayers.

magdalina.h · April 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss.I hope you find comfort here.

Mjmksb04 · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. What was your daughter's name?

lrichmond86 · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my son at 31 weeks. It's a long process, but being here on this board with so many wonderful women who understand what I'm going through has been tremendously helpful. I hope that it is helpful to you as well. Sending many T&P!

doodlescaboodles · April 2012

Im so sorry you are going through this. I too am still going through the "grieving" process. You will have good days and you will have awful days...but just don't be afraid to embrace the good days. Im leaning its ok to smile and laugh again.

We are all here if you need us.

Auki13 · April 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. The women on this board have been a great support to me and I hope you can find a bit of comfort here with us. You have started the grieving process, and it will continue for quite some time. Please just remember to be gentle with yourself and that what you are feeling is most likely normal and necessary in order to heal. You will slowly find a way to live your new life and yes, you will find a way to smile and be happy again. We are here for you every step of the way. (((HUGS)))

karebear57 · April 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. What is her name? Like the other ladies said, the first few weeks/month are hard. I know the first handful of times I went anywhere were hard, it seemed like everyone had a baby girl and I'd start crying in the store/restaurant. Just take it easy cry if you need to. Come on here and talk with us anytime.(((hugs))) to you and your dh.

samakasrc · April 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss and hate to say "welcome" to the board. But the ladies here are amazing and I know you'll find a lot of love and support here. Guess we'd all like to know your sweet little girls name. The women here have helped me through many bad days. Sending hugs and thoughts for peace and healing for you and your family.

As for your milk supply - That was one of the hardest days for me. My milk came in the night before my sons funeral. It was as if my body was craving my baby as much as my heart was. These ladies have some good tips, but make sure not to apply heat. I found ice worked wonders to ease the pain a little bit. I did wear a really tight support bra - which is supposed to help, but it didn't do a whole lot for me. Guess each person is different.

cherrycobbler · April 2012

I'm so sorry that you found yourself on our board. Feel free to share and ask as much or as little as you need. Everyone here is super supportive, and it is somehow reassuring (to me at least) that I'm not the only one. Big (hugs) to you and your family.

Gizu92708 · April 2012

Im so sorry you are here. I also lost my baby boy at 31 weeks. It's been 3 months but it feels like it was yesterday. This is a horrible nightmare no one should have to go through. ((hugs))

JessicaRobb · April 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't feel rushed to grieve, I was in a haze for so long. Grief comes. I think it something that we will deal with for the rest of our lives. It is impossible to believe with where you are sitting now, but time does help.

I am sorry.

SJHodgson · April 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

tubbsy32 · April 2012

I'm so sorry, I also wish that none of us were here. I can relate when you say that you "don't think you've begun the process of grieving"; I think it is just starting to really sink in. Don't get me wrong there have been lots of tears and emotions; but I think as others have started to live their lives again, I realize that my life will never be the same. I'm so sorry that you are here.

StephK86 · April 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I wish that you didn't have to come here and join the group that no one wants to belong to. The grieving process was delayed for me too when my son died. At first I was in such utter shock I just kept thinking I would wake up and it would all be a nightmare. I still feel that way. I am glad that you decided to share your story so the women on here can support you. Everyone is very nice and caring on this board. Again I am so sorry sweetie. HUGS

jbranden12 · April 2012

Thank you all for the kind words. We named her Patricia Kirsten, after both of her great-grandmothers. We were team green since the beginning, and even at our final ultrasound the morning of my induction, our angel had her legs crossed so we did not know she was a girl until she was born.