Working Moms
Linnea503
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If your DH is a SAHD
Linnea503
member
in Working Moms
If your DH is a SAHD, what are the pros and cons from your experience? My H and I are seriously considering this option right now. We can afford it and it makes my heart feel light to think about DS being with his dad all day. I think the hardest aspect for DH would be the social stigma but we live in a progressive part of the country and I think he could make some SAHD friends. I want to go into this with my eyes wide open so please be brutally honest!
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Re: If your DH is a SAHD
Mine SAH for 5 months (DS was about 17 months at the time) after he got laid off so it might not be the same
BUT....
I hated it, absolutely hated it. I would come home and have to do all the work myself b/c he could only manage to get 1-2 things done a day. He'd start laundry in the morning and forget about it until after I got home. I was lucky if he did dishes. He's just not the type to see things that need to or can be done. He doesn't think to prep for dinner while DS naps for instance. He would use that time to take a nap or watch tv. He also never took DS anywhere. It was the middle of winter but they never went to story time or the museum. They stayed home every day.
If your husband is the opposite of mine, go for it! If you don't think he would live up to your expectations, it can be a very trying experience.
love is for every her, love is for every him, love is for everyone
This seems to be a pretty standard response. My DH has stayed home this whole time, which was the plan since before we were TTC. Until just the last couple months, no, he didn't manage to also clean the house. LO was all he could handle. But when it's just me and LO on the weekends, guess what. I didn't manage to clean either. So it didn't stress us out. We just teamed up on all the chores in the evening.
The social stigma thing can surprise you. We're in North Dakota, so not very progressive. But he doesn't get any grief and in fact knows other happy SAHDs. On the other hand, it was his self-proclaimed hippie male relatives in Southern CA who still can't wrap their heads around what he's chosen.
DH has been a SAHD since DD#1 was born in 2004. It has worked out GREAT! We decided it because I earned more money than DH and I would go crazy at home.
DH's main job is to care for the kids (we now have 4). He also homeschools the older two (1st grade and K). He does laundry, dishes, takes care of the yard, and maintains the running of the house. Is the house spotless every day? No but that is fine with me if it is relatively clean and the kids are well cared for. He gets the kids to their homeschool activities and is even getting to know the other parents (he is pretty shy so this is huge).
My main responsibility is to clean bathrooms, a task he doesn't enjoy and I am happy to contribute to the household too.
Does he do everything like I would do it? No. I have had to let some things go and that is fine. Overall, he does a great job and I am glad they get "daddy time."
It's not for everyone but it works for us.
I wish he were! He took paternity leave when DS was 4-6 months old, and it was glorious.
He would: Wash bottles, do the laundry, wash dishes, make dinner, play with the baby, take baby for his doctor appts, go on outings, meet me for lunch like once a week with the baby, assume night-time duty since I had to work during the day and he could nap while baby did.
All I had to do was relieve him for a few hours when I got home until I went to bed. DH has been back to work for about one month now, and it's definitely tougher prepping bottles for daycare the night before, and trying to do all the housework in the few hours we have each evening.
He took today off to take the baby to the doctor and I was so happy we didn't have to prep bottles last night for daycare and both rush out the house early this morning. DS is at home having fun with him.
My DH is a teacher and not a SAHD but I will say that over the summer he ends up being a SAHD and it's almost 3 months so it's significant.
DH loves it for the most part, he enjoys the extra time with DS...he does get a little stir-crazy towards the end of the summer usually but it's not bad.
I love that DS gets to be with him instead of at day care (he also usually won't get sick as much which is a plus), it makes me feel more comfortable. I can call DH whenever I want and get an update.
On the flip side, I am SO JEALOUS of DH when he gets to do this. It's a little hard knowing they get this time that you don't. But honestly, that's the only con in our case (in my opinion).
BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d
BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11
BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d
BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13
BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14
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All of this- DH was laid off last August and he just started working part time a few weeks ago. I could have KILLED HIM at points. Mind you we still had our au pair (because you register for the year) so there was no excuse for me not to have a spotless house, yet I found myself walking in the door and instead of relaxing, I was cleaning. He means well, and he loses track of time playing with the kids, forgets that he started the laundry, doesn't see that the bathroom needs to be scrubbed etc....he a wonderful DAD, he's just a horrible "househusband".
My guy is a mostly SAHD (he teaches guitar at an arts center and in our home music studio part-time and plays with some bands on weekends), but he's home during the day when I'm at work. He doesn't really get much cleaning done, but then I wouldn't either. (I sincerely suck at cleaning... I get overwhelmed and don't know what to do.) He's former military and is AWESOME at cleaning; he just can't do it when he's home alone with our LO. Yet somehow he can build custom cabinets, countertops, etc. Don't ask me, but I'm grateful that he can multitask to do those things.
So, our house is usually messy. We're gone a lot over weekends since he's in two bands, and I'm a writer and give readings, but I'm okay with having a "flakey artist household," and I'm not uptight about stuff like that.
But he's a great dad, and he takes Liam to "Baby Fun Time" at the library and all kinds of cultural events/fun things. (Tonight, he's playing music at a coffeehouse; Sunday, I'm doing a poetry reading in Portland to kick off National Poetry Month, and our house will still be messy, but we're having fun and taking Liam everywhere we go.)
We didn't really experience a social stigma other than getting the pediatrician's office and places like that to call Jared's phone instead of mine. They used to call me at my office and ask me to tell him what to bring in for Liam's appointments, which made no sense. It took a while of explaining that he's a SAHD, and they could just call him directly before that happened.
Hope that helps!
Mac and cheese lover!
DH SAH when DS was about 3mo-5mo, temped for 5mos, and then SAH again from age 10mo to 20mo. I clearly was able to get more done around the house when I was on maternity leave than DH did the first time he SAH, but the next time around he did much better. Now we work opposite hours, so one of us is almost always home with him (we have a few conflicts, so DS goes to Grandma's then).
We didn't choose to have DH SAH, he was laid off, but until then he was completely lost when left alone with DS for an hour. Having to stay home with him for 9-10hrs at a time was a great experience for him and I think he's a much better father for it.
The only thing that DS misses out on with DH is that he won't take him to playgroups and I will. (I'm home a lot of mornings). He WILL, however, take him to storytime at the library.
I say go for it
DH has been a SAHD since DS was about 10 months old (8?). At first he went from full time at work, but missed too much because of DS's illnesses, so he went to part time from home. And then there was a conflict with his boss, so he became Mr. Mom. He thought it was going to be like play time all the time all the time. When he figured out it was real work... Well he does OK. DS is loved and cared for. Dinner is ready when I get home. We share responsibility of the other chores, which is... Eh. I think he should do more, but I'm not willing to argue about it again. He also runs all of our errands. He doesn't do a lot of activities with DS, like Gymboree or the library. But DS is developmentally normal, social, pleasant, active, and currently being potty trained. They go swimming in our pool every day when it's warm and they go to the park/playground. DH got a certification for a new job and I have mixed feelings. We're fine financially (although not saving a dime) but the extra money would be nice. U fortunately, DH has been procrastinating taking the certification exams needed to get his chosen job for ahem... a year. He has a lot of excuses, but whatever. It's convenient to have him home. Here, among our friends, there's no stigma. I think our parents are overly concerned, but we could give a crap about that. All that being said, I'd love for DH to still be at home when the new LO comes.
My DH is a cellist, so he works afternoons (teaching lessons), along with evening and weekend gigs. His job lends itself naturally to being the SAH parent. I am a teacher. I love my job and my schedule. We knew before we even got married that DH would be raising our child(ren).
My DH had a rough adjustment at first. I went back to work when DD was 9 weeks old. DH did not love the newborn stage. You should see how amazing my DH is, though. He figured out how to accomplish things during the day. But you cannot expect everything to get done. I would much rather DH interact with DD than clean the whole house. We tag team our responsibilities in this house since DH & I both work, and basically split our parenting, as well.
Not every man is made to do this, but my DH is wonderful at it.
My husband stayed at home until our son was 9 months old. He didn't completely stop working, but since he's a writer he was able to get some work done from home during nap time. However, at 9 months old it became too difficult since Logan was so mobile and all over the place for DH to get anything done, so we put him in daycare. We are both happy with the way things worked out. I liked DS being home with DH while he was itty bitty, but I think that daycare is good for him now that he's a little older. He has a blast with the other little kids, and he loves the activities like art projects and singing songs.
The big negative for us was that with me working long hours at a stressful job to support the family, the agreement was that DH would take care of the house and also cook. This just didn't happen. I'd work 10+ hour days and spend another 2 hours in the car, and come home to a house that was a disaster and then end up eating a bowl of cereal for dinner. It was stressful. Now that DS is in daycare, my husband has been able to focus on his career and make more money, and I've been able to change jobs so I have fewer hours and a lot of flexibility. I honestly like things better this way because we can hire someone to clean the house, spend money on good prepared foods from Whole Foods, etc, instead of having to rely on a stay at home parent to do it (and then it not getting done).
My husband is a SAHD, and I love it, for the most part. It was an adjustment, but we're really into the groove now. A few things:
1) We still have a cleaning lady. My husband is just kind of a slob, so, instead of arguing with him, we just got the cleaning lady. It saves so much arguing.
2) My husband generally really likes being a stay at home dad. He's never really faced any social stigma. In fact, he gets a lot of over-the-top, "Oh, it's so WONDERFUL" comments, and he thinks those can get a bit condescending.
3) We have a preemie, so he and my husband were quarantined all winter due to RSV season. I think it drove my husband crazy, but I know he's really excited to do all of the activities once flu season is over.
4) I really had to let some things go. I'm a control freak by nature, and I had to relinquish a bit of that control to my husband. I still manage the family calendar (mostly because my husband can be kind of forgetful), but I've stopped dictating what my son eats for meals, etc. Breastfeeding was a bit tough, because I felt that my husband was feeding my son too much milk during the day, and I was barely keeping up. Now that we're only breastfeeding morning / night (no pumping), that issue has gone away.
I think the success of a SAHD situation depends on your husband's personality and your expectations. My husband is a fantastic dad. Does he do everything the way I'd do it? No, but I've also had to adjust my expectations. I can't control everything. And, I have to let some things go. My husband isn't a good house husband in terms of cleaning, so we've figured out a way to manage that.
DH has essentially been home for most of the last 4 yrs - he gets jobs in the Private Investigation sector when people tend to claim disabilities (read summer) and then the work always fizzles...
He is the best father I could imagine for my daughters - but like Mamabear I would have to say he sucks as a househusband! The kids always have a blast - and often the house looks like it when I walk through the door....he is Mr. Fun Guy and tries to maintain some sanity in the house during the day which is difficult with the mass quantities of toys our kids get with each holiday - but he can't cook anything but Rahmen Noodles to save his life...I do the groceries, bills most of the cleaning and laundry and am soooo sick of it. I like it better when he works - mainly I suppose because the house stays neat all day with the girls at daycare which cuts hours of cleaning out of my chores!
DH is a SAHD for the moment. Not by choice, but because he was laid off. Our situtation is relatively new...he was laid off the week #3 was born, but then I was on paid mat leave for 16 weeks. I've been back to work for a month now, so really he's been doing the SAHD thing for only 4-5 weeks.
In terms of social stigma...I don't think there's any issue with that. Whether it's b/c of regular work hours or lack of jobs, there are a number of dad's that do pick up at DD1's school, so it's not as if he sticks out like a sore thumb.
What I would echo is that I still feel I have a larger workload....when I get off at 5 (I WFH), it's like he thinks "oh, I've "worked" all day, it's your turn....but, I too have worked all day! He is good with making sure the house is what I called picked up...but not good at really ensuring things are clean. As an example, he will clean up the kitchen, but never wipes the counters. Or he just throws all the toys in a basket as opposed to their appropriate storage containers - so all the toy pieces get totally mixed up, somewhat worse is he doesn't make the older kids accountable for picking up their own toys. This may sound nit-picky, but I truly believe there is a sense of calmness in a house when things are put in their place and the house is clean.
Bottom line is that he is not a good multi-tasker or good at strategizing how to best make use of the day to get things done, enjoy the kids and find some down time for himself.
We are making it work and it will never be perfect. It is not our long term plan for him to be a SAHD. While I have always made a good chunk more than him, he makes a decent living too (when he's employed). We are lucky that by cutting out child care/nanny costs and the little bit of unemployement, we aren't blowing through saving to live.
Lastly, I would add...I would give my right arm to not work FT. I don't think I would enjoy not working at all, but certainly less than I am now (I also do a lot of extra hours after the kids are in bed - 30% OT in the last 2 week and since I'm salary, that does not mean extra $$). So it is hard not to be envious, especially since staying at home is not what he really wants to be doing and I would love to be part time. Just being honest.
DH is a SAHD and has been since older DD (now 4) was a few months old. It works out really well for us. As others have alluded to, you both need to have open discussions about what the expectations are as far as non-child related housework. In our family, DH does a lot more than me, but not all of it. It's also important that whatever he does do, he gets to decide how to do (no micro-managing).
We love having one parent home, for us it's a more flexible and easier schedule to deal with, and there's a lot of lifestyle preferences that we couldn't opt for if we both worked (DH cooks dinner from scratch most nights, for example). Relative to a SAHM situation, I think it's harder in the sense that even in a progressive area, although there might not be a social stigma per se, it can be harder for a SAHD to connect with other SAH parents. Most of them are SAHMs, so although some may be fine with a SAHD they may not be fine enough to be comfortable inviting him and child over for a one-on-one playdate. DH has found a lot more success in building a network hitting up the sponsored activities like library story times, play groups, etc.
DH participated in a voluntary Reduction In Force so was a paid SAHD for 4 months. He had a hard time joining play groups- he just wasn't accepted by some SAHM.
He loved his time with DD and it was great for her. It did make me incredibly jealous though- so we had to work through that, which we did.
Ultimately he returned to work because it just wasn't for him. He LOVED his time with DD but he just wasn't cut out for FT daddy duty.
My DH is laid off in between jobs (he's in construction), so he SAH intermittently. It works out great for us - and he DD has a great relationship with her daddy. When he is home, he tries to keep after things, but knowing how my DD is (19 month old tornado baby), we tag team everything after we eat dinner and she is asleep. There are many days where he accomplishes a lot - and then there are the days where no matter what he does, it looks like a hurricane went through our house. It is what it is!
I think it also helped him become more comfortable with her - feeding, diapers, playing, interacting, and traveling. He used to get very nervous (he wasn't laid off the first time after she was born until she was 11 weeks old) and now he takes it in stride. It makes life easier for me, in that sense, because she will go to Daddy as well as Mommy if she needs something.