long distance court orders

amber31288 · April 2012

I have a question for those of you with long distance relationships and CO's, My SD (almost 4) lives out of state and we currently have a kind of crappy CO that definetely is not in our favor. My husband only agreed to this CO because at the time, it had been almost a year since he had seen his daughter and I think would've done anything at that point to be reunited with her! We are now paying the price of that. DH and BM agreed at the last mediation to meet when SD is 5 to hash out the last few issues they have. They could not agree on a summer schedule. My husband was only trying to ask for 1-2 weeks in the summer.

Anyway, my question is, what is your CO like if you are long distance? Right now, we are allowed to come one weekend a month and alternate holidays. It's not awful, but it is costly and there is no way for us to make it there each month. I think it would be better to have longer, less frequent visits instead of going for 1-2 days each month. I know a few people who get their child for the whole summer! I can never see that happening in our situation, but it would really be great if it could. We also have to pay for all travel expenses, which I can suck it up and deal with when we travel there, but when she does come to stay with us, it is just going to get so costly to go there to get her, bring her back, go home with her and then fly back here. have any of you been successful at getting reimbursed or sharing travel cost? if it matters at all, BM is the one that left their home state with SD, not my husband.

thanks in advance!

HisChamaoleGirl · April 2012

DH co says he has visitation one week after the school year ends and SS has to be back to BM two weeks prior to school starting. We live very far from SS (military family here) so those two weeks give SS time to adjust back to being home. DH also gets Christmas with odd numbered years, his birthday and fathers day. When we are on Guam the co says eow but BM let's us pick SS up from school too if we ask ahead of time. As far as transportation for these visits the co says SS will be escorted by mil or Dh and he will cover the fees. The co was written when SS was three and I am hoping when SS is older BM will agree to let him fly alone. The way the courts saw it was if DH wanted visitation he would make a way to financially make it happen. Also, in the co DH doesn't pay BM cs when SS is with us.

fellesferie · April 2012

XH is in CA and I am in TN, so we are pretty long distance.

XH has "fair and reasonable visitation" with DS. Our CO entitles him to six weeks in the summer, and states that I get Christmas on even years, and he gets odd years. Whoever doesn't get Christmas gets Thanksgiving.

In reality, we do something like this--

- XH takes 1 week at Christmas (to either include the holiday or start the week after)

- I offer XH spring break if we do not have any plans. So XH has had him the last 2 spring breaks

- XH usually takes 1-2 weeks in the summer

- XH usually sees DS for a long weekend sometime in the Sept/Oct range.

Since XH is the one who moved across the country, he bears all transportation costs. In terms of travel time, he usually flies into Atlanta, and we drive down there to meet him.

DS is 7, and I am not interested in him flying alone until he's 12 or so AND he demonstrates the maturity to handle it. And since I'm the parent with him 95% of the time, I don't plan to let XH make the determination of when he's mature enough. It sounds b!tchy, but DS is immature for his age.

I'm just speaking for myself, but I would really strongly resist XH getting DS for the whole summer. Half the summer? Sure, no problem. But I would insist on having a few weeks to do things like summer vacation, a week of summer camp with his friends, and a couple weeks to get into a back-to-school routine.

amber31288 · April 2012

wendilea:
You say out of state - how far away are you?
We are 1 state over and roughly 3 1/2 hours from my Ex. He still is entitled to EOW, one week at Christmas, one week at his birthday, and EOHoliday. He chooses not to take all of that, but that's a different story.
We are 8 hours from the Skids. The CO was written when they were little. It reads that he gets one week at Christmas, alternating the actual holiday, one week for Spring break, and one month over the summer, with BM and DH splitting the transportation. Also, if he is in their home state for more than 24 hours, he is entitled to see them as long as he gives advance notice. They have to agree on summer dates before May and Christmas dates before November. When they were very little, BM did not allow any visitation in his home, he would have to travel back and stay in Iowa to see them. I believe the current CO was written when they were 3 and 5.

We are a 12-13 hour drive from each other. We have been driving lately when we visit because it is much cheaper, but obviously more time consuming and its hard for my DH to get all that time off. He hates using vacation days for travel (doesnt mind using them to see his daughter). we have accepted that if/when we have her for a week or two, we will most likely have to use some of that time to drive there & back, but it isnt realistic to do that for a weekend or holiday. we would need at least a week for that to make sense.

thanks for your help!

amber31288 · April 2012

fellesferie:
XH is in CA and I am in TN, so we are pretty long distance.
XH has "fair and reasonable visitation" with DS. Our CO entitles him to six weeks in the summer, and states that I get Christmas on even years, and he gets odd years. Whoever doesn't get Christmas gets Thanksgiving.
In reality, we do something like this--
- XH takes 1 week at Christmas (to either include the holiday or start the week after)
- I offer XH spring break if we do not have any plans. So XH has had him the last 2 spring breaks
- XH usually takes 1-2 weeks in the summer
- XH usually sees DS for a long weekend sometime in the Sept/Oct range.
Since XH is the one who moved across the country, he bears all transportation costs. In terms of travel time, he usually flies into Atlanta, and we drive down there to meet him.
DS is 7, and I am not interested in him flying alone until he's 12 or so AND he demonstrates the maturity to handle it. And since I'm the parent with him 95% of the time, I don't plan to let XH make the determination of when he's mature enough. It sounds b!tchy, but DS is immature for his age.
I'm just speaking for myself, but I would really strongly resist XH getting DS for the whole summer. Half the summer? Sure, no problem. But I would insist on having a few weeks to do things like summer vacation, a week of summer camp with his friends, and a couple weeks to get into a back-to-school routine.

My DH isnt going for the whole summer, I said it would be great but he doesnt want to do that to his ex either. Half the summer would be fair, but we would settle for 2 weeks. I understand they want to do fun stuff with her too and have family time in the summer. thanks for your advice though!

jess9802 · April 2012

My stepson lives in Southern California and we're in Oregon - it's about 16 hour drive. DH has SS the entire summer break, Christmas break, and spring break. However, it was put in place when SS's school had a two week spring break. With it being just one week now, he comes a week early at Christmas and spends spring break with his mother.

The first two exchanges DH and his ex-wife made were done by driving and meeting halfway. This made for a long day for everyone, and in winter this wasn't practical or necessarily safe. So, SS started flying for his visits when he was 10. DH and his ex split the cost of the flights per their CO. SS has flown mostly as an unaccompanied minor, and we had no issues with the flights. He can only fly on a non-stop or direct flight (no plane changes), and there is a flight attendant assigned to and monitoring all unaccompanied minors. A parent/guardian must drop him off at the gate and wait until his plane is in the air, and someone must greet him at the gate. He managed his first unaccompanied flight at Christmas, and thanks to his mother's inability to get to the airport on time, he had to change his flight and ended up with his first plane change. It all went okay--but he is 12, and we have been working with him on navigating an airport from the beginning.

While DH and I wish SS lived with us during the school year, the extended visitation generally works well. It allows him to get into a routine in our household, and feel like a member of the house rather than a guest on vacation. He gets chores, but he also has a chance to do summer activities (we enroll him in water polo and swim team) as well as music lessons, and to make friends in our neighborhood. It gives him a more well-rounded experience when visiting with his father. On the other hand, this is a child who doesn't get any of that when he's with his mother - his summers with her would mostly consist of babysitting his little sister and playing video games. YMMV.

fellesferie · April 2012

amber31288:

My DH isnt going for the whole summer, I said it would be great but he doesnt want to do that to his ex either. Half the summer would be fair, but we would settle for 2 weeks. I understand they want to do fun stuff with her too and have family time in the summer. thanks for your advice though!

I understand that YH isn't asking for it, I just thought I'd throw in my thoughts as a CP. The reasons I would resist it have less to do with me and more to do with DS and what's fair to him. While it might be great for the NCP, it might not be great for the child if there are other things the child really wants to do.

If you want half the summer, I really think you should ask for it. You should probably always ask for a little more than you want, just so you have some wiggle room with negotiations.

And another way you could go--if you ask for, let's say, 10 weeks in the summer, you could negotiate down to 6 weeks in the summer, every other spring break, and a week every winter break. Either way, you'll be better off than you are now.

You might also want to work in things like phone calls and video chat. You could try asking that she make your SD available 2x/week for video or phone. If you do ask for phone/video, you might try and put a clause in there asking for any unanswered calls to be returned within 24 or 48 hours. That's reasonable, and it gives you some recourse if no one answers your calls.

CFjo2010 · April 2012

fellesferie:

XH is in CA and I am in TN, so we are pretty long distance.

How funny, I'm in CA and my XH is in TN..

Our CO allows XH to have the kids the first 2 weeks they're out of school in the Summer, 2 weeks at Winter Break in odd years, and one week of Spring Break in even years. Plus there's an open-ended clause that he can have additional time with the kids whenever he comes to CA, as long as he provides 30 days notice. I had it set up so he for sure sees them twice a year, more if he wants it.

In reality, XH sees the kids only for the Summer visits and Christmas. He says it's "a waste of money" for the Spring Break airfare, and he refuses to fly out here to spend extra time with the kids. He's ordered to pay the full airfare for visits and the kids fly as unaccompanied minors. UAM is nice because the kids don't change flights, and it allows me to go to the gate until they board, and wait at the gate when their flight home arrives. They only started flying UAM when they were 11 and 7, and I was really nervous about it. They've done it a couple times now and they enjoy it. But I still get nervous sometimes.

2 weeks is the most the kids are able to handle. We tried 3 weeks one Summer, and both kids were begging to come home at the 2 week mark. I think if my XH came out to visit them in CA, made frequent phonecalls to them and sent letters, the kids might be more comfortable staying out there longer. But they don't have much of a relationship with their father, and aren't very excited to see him generally.

amber31288 · April 2012

fellesferie:
amber31288:

My DH isnt going for the whole summer, I said it would be great but he doesnt want to do that to his ex either. Half the summer would be fair, but we would settle for 2 weeks. I understand they want to do fun stuff with her too and have family time in the summer. thanks for your advice though!
I understand that YH isn't asking for it, I just thought I'd throw in my thoughts as a CP. The reasons I would resist it have less to do with me and more to do with DS and what's fair to him. While it might be great for the NCP, it might not be great for the child if there are other things the child really wants to do.
If you want half the summer, I really think you should ask for it. You should probably always ask for a little more than you want, just so you have some wiggle room with negotiations.
And another way you could go--if you ask for, let's say, 10 weeks in the summer, you could negotiate down to 6 weeks in the summer, every other spring break, and a week every winter break. Either way, you'll be better off than you are now.
You might also want to work in things like phone calls and video chat. You could try asking that she make your SD available 2x/week for video or phone. If you do ask for phone/video, you might try and put a clause in there asking for any unanswered calls to be returned within 24 or 48 hours. That's reasonable, and it gives you some recourse if no one answers your calls.

I love all of your ideas and this is what i've been trying to get across to my husband! i think he's afraid to ask for too much but the worse she can do is say no. hes very non-confrontational, too. i would like to ask for half the summer because that would be great if we got it, and if not, then we would probably end up with 2-3 weeks and thats more than we have now.

i also understand what you're saying about fairness to the child in terms of making them stay the whole summer when there may be other things they would like to do at home. my husband thinks of this a lot before asking for anything. he doesnt want her to end up resenting coming here and getting taken away from her life and her friends as she gets older. so i see your point!

also, his CO says he is supposed to skype two days a week with her. this hasnt happened in months. part of this is my husbands fault. he has a very annoying work schedule that changes almost weekly. he hasnt had the same day off a week in a very long time. so, when they say they will skype every monday and thursday, my husband was usually having to cancel at least once a week. however, BM wasnt being very flexible either and since has pretty much ignored our attempts. i'd like him to work on this because i think it would help him and SD especially when we have to go a longer period without visiting. But i like your idea of 24-48 hour callbacks, because BM never responds in a timely fashion. thank you!

amber31288 · April 2012

jess9802:
While DH and I wish SS lived with us during the school year, the extended visitation generally works well. It allows him to get into a routine in our household, and feel like a member of the house rather than a guest on vacation. He gets chores, but he also has a chance to do summer activities (we enroll him in water polo and swim team) as well as music lessons, and to make friends in our neighborhood. It gives him a more well-rounded experience when visiting with his father. On the other hand, this is a child who doesn't get any of that when he's with his mother - his summers with her would mostly consist of babysitting his little sister and playing video games. YMMV.

this is exactly what i would ideally hope for in our relationship with SD. right now, i feel like we come once in awhile, take her to do fun things and bring her presents and then send her home. my husband doesnt get much of a chance to really parent her. its nice to get to have all the fun with her, but i'd like if she could really feel like part of the family. i'd love it if my husband could have some semblance of a normal relationship with her -- he's never had one since she was born (him & BM never lived together, she moved out of state while pregnant). that is why i think longer visits would really benefit all of us. Plus, we just had our first child of our own, and i think in the future it would really benefit both girls to spend a generous chunk of time together as opposed to a weekend here and there. im afraid they wont ever really bond if that is the case. i hope we can come up with something like this

fellesferie · April 2012

amber31288:

also, his CO says he is supposed to skype two days a week with her. this hasnt happened in months. part of this is my husbands fault. he has a very annoying work schedule that changes almost weekly. he hasnt had the same day off a week in a very long time. so, when they say they will skype every monday and thursday, my husband was usually having to cancel at least once a week. however, BM wasnt being very flexible either and since has pretty much ignored our attempts. i'd like him to work on this because i think it would help him and SD especially when we have to go a longer period without visiting. But i like your idea of 24-48 hour callbacks, because BM never responds in a timely fashion. thank you!

XH and I used to try and schedule calls, but with the time difference, and sorting things out with our house, sometimes it just didn't work. Now he calls about twice a week (maybe more like 2 times every 10 days or so). If we miss the call, or are busy, we just don't answer and DS calls him back.

If it's going to take me more than 24 hours to get DS to return a call, I email XH and let him know that we'll call on X night.

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