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Single Parents
A little vent...very sad tonight...
A little background: My husband left right after I found out we were about to have a baby (he's ignored me, called me names, blamed me for all this, and cheated on me while I thought I was having a miscarriage)...we've been separated for the whole pregnancy and he wants to stay out of DD's life completely. My FXH and I have known each other for almost 10 years (I turned 23 in Feb.)...I've loved him for that entire time...He's hurt me so badly with what he's done and I've been so angry those 8 months after it all happened. After talking with his family, we've all agreed that there's a lot of underlying things going on with him and he won't talk to anyone...last I heard he looked terrible (sickly, like not eating or sleeping sick). I know I have every right to be angry with him...he's leaving a daughter to grow up without a father. Before all this, he was such a caring person to me (I always thought he would've been a wonderful father...Since she was born last Sunday, I have found myself sitting up at night when I should be sleeping while I have the chance just thinking about how things used to be, how much I miss him (I see him in her and she even smells like him to me sometimes.), but I feel bad for missing him because he's done this horrible thing to me and our daughter...All this time I've told myself that even if he wanted me back I wouldn't do it, but right now I miss him so much that I'd do anything to be able to go back...but I miss the man I married...not the person he's become. I don't know if that person still exists anymore. He wouldn't even come to the hospital to see her no matter what anyone said to him...I'm scared that I'll never be able to get over this feeling...today I noticed that, (my DD looks a lot like I did when I was born - black hair and everything) instead of having my blue/green eyes...her's are starting to turn dark brown...I almost broke down just looking at her. People always wondered what I saw in him (he wasn't the best fish in the sea) and I honestly don't know either, but I have loved him since I was 13 and feel like I always will...even though things have turned out this way...
Sorry this was so long...I just needed to get it out and I feel bad that I feel this way that I don't want anyone I know or who knows him to know that I still love him so much after all this...
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Re: A little vent...very sad tonight...
I think what you're experiencing is somewhat normal. You haven't healed from what your STBXH has done to you, and now you're adjusting to being a mother. A single mother at that. It's exhausting, frustrating and rewarding all at the same time.
Like a pp said, try to not focus on what "could've been", because it'll NEVER be that way. Ever. You already know that...now you just need to keep reminding yourself of that.
Have you or he started the divorce process at all?
To the therapy thing: I've been on meds before about 2 years ago for depression so I know what depression feels like and this isn't it...I'm just grieving the loss of my best friend and husband. I actually have been pretty good as far as baby blues...it just gets me thinking late at night when I'm alone and she's asleep and I can't sleep because he's constantly on my mind. I'm ok during the day and when I've slept.
I know things will never be the same as they were and that I have to go on for myself and for her and I'm doing great with that...it's just going to take some time for me to not hurt so bad over him that's all. You can't just stop loving someone you've loved so much for so long...
I do look at my daughter and see her...but last night was just a little rough and I kept seeing him because he was on my mind a lot last night.
Yes, I was 13, but a teenage crush doesn't last for 10 years...I've had people telling me that for all those 10 years.
I just had the baby a little over a week ago so divorce stuff hasn't started yet...it'll probably be another two months before anything gets into serious details.
Thanks for listening.