Anyone else not/did not invite certain family members to shower?

Heather2256 · April 2012

My shower is Saturday (this is our first baby). And I did not invite my dad's side of the family other than my stepmom. This is because for our wedding no one from that side came. My own grandmother (who is my only grandparent left) did not come because she had a birthday party to go to. Sounds messed up, right? Just wondering if there was anyone else who is not including certain family?

EastCoastBride · April 2012

Your grandmother didn't come to your wedding because she had a birthday party to go to?

Taking that at face value, um... yeah. I have to say I don't blame you for not inviting her to your shower, or really wanting to involve her in your life all that much at all.

k.martell · April 2012

I believe in making myself look like the bigger person so I invited family I wouldn't care to see (and they declined, not too much of a shocker).

ETA - DH & I are not on talking terms with his brother and his wife (my BIL & SIL). They have never gone to anything DH & I have invited them to. This ranges from drinks when we are in their area to Bachlor/ette parties, Bridal shower, baby shower, birthday parties. etc. On the flip side, we make a point to attend anything they invite us to because we are still family to reenforce that we are the bigger person. My MIL wants us to 'make up' and after finding out we were not invited to a recent birthday party for her grandson, our nephew, she has realized that they are the ones who don't want to have anything to do with us and we made the effort to forgive & forget.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's worth the headaches to remain spiteful or just buck up and make yourself be the bigger person. IMO it's up to them if they want to remain looking like an assh0le to the family or not.

Heather2256 · April 2012

One aunt went w/ my grandma to the birthday party (it was for one of my cousin's kids). One uncle had to work - he's a flight attendant & I knew that might happen so I wasn't upset. Another aunt had to work (which it was on a saturday & she works for Work One so I really don't know how that adds up) & another had to babysit her grandkid (or something like that). Those are the only explanations I got.

I mean heck, DH's grandparents (on his dad's side) was coming back from Florida that day, they live about 3 hours south of us, & they drove straight up from Florida, without stopping at their house. (We're in Indiana) Just so they could make it.

The wedding was the first thing I had invited them to since I graduated college. Which none of them attempted to make it to that or the party I threw for it. The only thing they attended involving me was a surprise party when I graduated high school - & the only reason why they were there was because my dad threw the party.

EastCoastBride · April 2012

As a general rule - dont' compare families. It doesn't matter what his grandparents did. That was their choice to make - it doesn't mean your family has to do the same.

Also, don't over analyze their reasons for not coming. You're clearly not close to them, so you really don't know your aunt's work situation. Or the other aunt who was babysitting - she may have committed to that because (let's just say) her child had a wedding to go to and they lined her up before she ever got the invitation to your wedding.

I still agree- not coming to your wedding for a child's b-day party... I would be upset by that too.

But still, don't over analyze every excuse. You just don't know the bigger picture.

tuki06 · April 2012

I didn't invite anyone from DH's side except his mom and sisters. He's not close to his family let alone his cousins and aunts. Plus last time they were invited to a shower NOBODY showed up and didn't have the decency to call and let us know until about 2 hours before the shower so MIL had spent all the time and money on food and prep and it all went to waste. If we hadn't invited my SIL's family she would have had 4 people at her shower, how sad is that? I just didn't wanna deal with it. I figure if DH's family wanted to celebrate this baby they would throw me one (nobody from his side not even MIL has said anythign about it so that shows you how much they care lol). I think this is just the best thing. If you know people won't come then why go out of your way to include them.

k.martell · April 2012

tuki06:
I figure if DH's family wanted to celebrate this baby they would throw me one (nobody from his side not even MIL has said anythign about it so that shows you how much they care lol). I think this is just the best thing. If you know people won't come then why go out of your way to include them.

JMO but it sounds like you may be looking for reasons to exile his side from your life all together. If that's true, you two will have to make that decision and live with it and any consequences.

You can't pick your family, and just remember that at the end of the visit you get to go back to your home.

Again, I will still invite them and it's up to them to come or not. At least I'm the bigger person to extend the offer and make the good faith gesture.

Gismo123 · April 2012

I can sympathize with you BUT I did invite both sides of my family even though I knew none of them would come. I only have 1 aunt and cousin coming and they are hosting the shower, and of course my mom. Everyone else says "it's too far" and pulled the same excuse for my bridal shower....let me just say it's only a 30 min. drive for them to the shower and I have to drive 4 hours so I thought their excuse was lame.

However I did invite them all because I wanted to be the bigger person and not exile them because they are lazy. Thank god I have friends or I wouldn't have enough people to even have a shower lol

JFluvsJD80 · April 2012

I completely understand where you're coming from (I mean, not going to your granddaughter's wedding for a birthday party? lame). But, I was met with some similar circumstances for my shower.

We had some family members not come to our wedding for what seemed like lame reasons, but we invited them to the shower anyway. That said, it seems like they might not make it to that either. Neither DH nor I are super upset by this, we kind of expected it.

I agree with PP's in that it shouldn't be a keeping score thing. Unless there's some awful circumstance that's kept a wedge between certain family members that can't be fixed, we invite family no matter what.

dragossoul84 · April 2012

I didnt invite most of my family apart from one aunt and my mom. I dont want my other aunts and uncles and grandmother to know where I'm living. They are the kind of people that will steal from you or show up drunk and angry and DH and I own a very nice big house next thing you know they would want to move in or come over just to use the pool and the next thing I'd know they would be growing weed in my yard leaving cigarettes and beer cans every where. As long as your willing to stand by your decision to not invite people then use your best judgement. Just because some one is family does not give them a life time pass to your life events.

punkrockabye · April 2012

Oh yes. It's a pretty detailed story. Two of them actually! Some people like reading about drama so feel free to enjoy if that's you.

DH has 2 brothers, 15 and 17 years older than us. The oldest one will not be invited nor will he be part of our lives anymore. We've been together for going on 10 years and all he has done is try to keep us apart, threaten us, intimidate us, and try to dictate everything that happens in the family. He's financially coerced us and their parents, and he has to control everything. Despite being in his mid-30s when I was 16, from day one he verbally assaulted me.

This is a very "high class' family, or they think they are, aside from losing all their money in a pyramid scheme (not BIL--he's actually wealthy, because his personal value apparently depends on his bank account and politics rather than being a good person). They try to maintain the image that everything is perfect and proper and lovely which is why it's a national tragedy that DH has a beard, long hair, and is not a republican... all while a cousin in the family, our age, spent time in prison for a crime I won't mention on here. The family has done nothing but brush under the rug the fact that this "brother" is manipulative and abusive toward DH and I. He locked DH in a closet once for two hours until he "agreed" to break up with me when we were 18.

The last straw was last May when he declared that I am a waste of oxygen. We explained to the rest of the family that we will no longer be associating with him. Other BIL's family actually agreed and apologized for letting everything slide. MIL cried and seemed to understand but wasn't happy about it. Turns out we are apparently expected to ignore what has happened since I'm "in the family now anyway" and we should just let it go and continue to let him do what he does.

My stepmom, who is throwing our shower, tried to tell me that we should invite him just to keep things civil. I told her that if he is invited we will not attend our own shower. We've tried begging and pleading and going to the rest of the family and NOTHING and NOBODY has gotten him to just leave us alone--he cannot handle the fact that we're happy together while he's not dictating what we do. It was even worse when his first wife left him for being insane and mentally abusive (she told me she couldn't see herself having kids with someone who treated us the way he did).

I explained to my stepmom that under no circumstances is he to be invited, and she agreed that he won't be. MIL/FIL and other BIL's family will be invited; if this brother shows up, we will know one of two people gave him the information, and we will make it known that is is absolutely unacceptable; not to other guests, but to those responsible They absolutely know our feelings regarding him and he would NOT be showing up to celebrate our baby. He'd be showing up because he wasn't invited and nobody tells him what he can and can't do regarding DH and I. Also, if you're invited to a shower, it's not your job to invite other people unless you have explicit permission from the host.

I hesitated to invite MIL/FIL and the other BIL because of how they've treated the past 10 years. They claim to think his behavior is wrong but they don't think DH and I should act any differently; just sit back and continue to bend over for the guy. If he and his wife happens to send a gift with no snide remarks, they'll get a perfectly pleasant thank you card in return. I'm not going out of my way to be rude. But the room my stepmom reserved for the shower can hold 40 people exactly, and with as many people as we're inviting (obviously coed), there is definitely no room for extra people to just show up. My stepmom has been talking to my half siblings and others and it's pretty clear that we will be at that 40 person limit.

As for anyone else, we're sending invites to my mom's side of the family. It's extremely small and about an hour and 45 minutes away from the shower, which will be on a Saturday. My aunt already took it upon herself to tell me nobody will come "because sports." My one cousin has two boys who are 10 and 14 and since they may have sports, nobody will come. Forget the fact that if anyone goes to practices or games, it's my cousin and his wife--my aunt (their grandma) is not into that stuff.

My other cousin (who won't be invited because she won't come--constantly drugged out) had her first baby 18 years ago, 2 years before my mom died. The last 2 years of my mom's life she was extremely sick. She and I would not have missed that shower for anything. She had no legs at that point, confined to a wheelchair, severely underweight, and she was very excited to go. But no, sure this is my mom's first grandchild and she won't get to meet her, but nobody is coming to celebrate it because there MIGHT be a baseball practice or something and they "don't know what may pop up."

I'm mainly just hurt by this, incredibly. When my aunt called to tell me she let it be known that she expects me to make another 5 hour trip to their area for an impromptu shower later in the summer (I'd be in a house while they gather in the garage to drink and smoke). It was "just come visit later in the summer and we'll give you presents and have some food " (quote) I had already explained that because of my high risk issues, we can't really travel much past 30 weeks, and I run the risk of not being pregnant the whole 40 weeks anyway. Plus, another trip would mean missed work and income for DH and more dog boarding/cat sitting expenses. We just can't do that with a baby on the way. We're also not too concerned about hitting my mom's family up for gifts... yes, showers tend to include gifts, but my mom is not alive to be at this shower; I'd like to have other representatives other than myself in attendance. My dad and stepmom are also very bothered by this.

Anyway, we just want good memories from this. Our wedding was ruined. My dad's siblings (since cut out) got to the reception first and rearranged ALL of the seating so they could sit together and somehow--SOMEHOW--left my parents with no place to sit initially. They were simply guests and had no part in the wedding whatsoever, but the reception apparently had to be about them. DH's family brought alcohol into the nice and formal banquet hall (we didn't just rent a casual pavilion at a park). They had been told beforehand that it was a dry reception, purposely held mid day for only a couple hours so people could do what they wanted with their evening. Too many alcohol problems on both sides and we just didn't need the issues. So both BIL's lugged in their own alcohol from the bar next door, did not speak to us, and continued to bring more after being asked to stop. And later, complained to us that alcohol was too expensive.

I'm perfectly fine slipping into obscurity because I hate being the center of attention in a room but people's weddings and baby showers are a few hours that are actually supposed to revolve around a certain person or two. These people constantly need to hammer home the point that DH and I do not count and therefore nothing is about us nor can we call any shots for anything, not even our own wedding. I only hope excluding the one BIL keeps our shower focused on the new parents and the new baby (and lots of free pizza) for no more than 3 hours on one day, but people always find a way to remind us that even though we're nearing 30, we are children and these functions are supposed to be about the adults.

tuki06 · April 2012

k.martell:

tuki06:
I figure if DH's family wanted to celebrate this baby they would throw me one (nobody from his side not even MIL has said anythign about it so that shows you how much they care lol). I think this is just the best thing. If you know people won't come then why go out of your way to include them.

JMO but it sounds like you may be looking for reasons to exile his side from your life all together. If that's true, you two will have to make that decision and live with it and any consequences.

You can't pick your family, and just remember that at the end of the visit you get to go back to your home.

Again, I will still invite them and it's up to them to come or not. At least I'm the bigger person to extend the offer and make the good faith gesture.

I was gonna invite them then DH told me not to cus he knew they wouldn't come and he was totally ok with it. I like his family just fine they are nice people just flaky like nobody's business. Plus they won't care, DH hasn't seen half of them in at least 2 years, I doubt half of them even know who I am let alone that i'm pregnant lol.

And yes you can pick your family. My family consists of people that love me and who I love just as much I have no need for any other kind of people in my life, it's not about being a small person it's about not subjecting myself or my child to people who don't care about us, why would I purposely put my child in a situation to be disappointed and hurt by people that are supposed to care and don't.

rhubarb123 · April 2012

At this point it is kind of too late to ask anyone's opinions...right? You have already made your decision. FWIW, I would have invited them (at least those that are close family members (grandmother, sisters/ parents, maybe aunts) regardless of whether they came to my wedding or not.

Want a personalized experience?

Anyone else not/did not invite certain family members to shower?

Re: Anyone else not/did not invite certain family members to shower?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards