are you up there, God? it's me, farmerlynda.

farmerlynda · March 2012

I honestly don't know how much more I can take, and I know you ladies will understand. I didn't post my BFP on here because I haven't been posting on here that long... and I know a lot of you are also on IF or PAIF anyway.

But the backstory: beta #1 (11dp3dt) = 106. Beta #2 (13dp3dt) = 140, AKA beta hell. This is coming off of a spectacularly failed IVF #1, plus a litany of NIFR miseries. In the past couple of months, I've lost 2 goats (including one of my favorite adult goats and a baby girl from my favorite goat of all time), 1 cow, and a ton of baby chicks that arrived to my farm dead on the morning of ET #1. (We're a small farm, not a big ranch, so all of these losses are personal, and also hurt us financially.) Just a couple days ago I came home to find a dead rooster HUNG, yes HUNG, from the pasture fence where my livestock guard dogs live. On the bright side, my dogs hadn't eaten the rooster, and they used to have a problem with that. On the down side, there was a creepy-ass dead rooster hanging from my fence. It was like some macabre scene from a horror movie. And I'm like, this is my life? Really?

So now, a few hours after I texted my best friend about my possible impending miscarriage, I get a text from her with... you guessed it... a very, very positive FRER. (It it possible for the test line to be darker than the control line?) My IC from today looks slightly lighter than it did yesterday. I'm feeling crampy and I'm fully expecting to find out on Monday that I was officially pregnant for all of 10 days.

I hate to be a whiner but I just have to get this out... why is this so hard? Why is the only luck I seem to find bad luck? Why can't I get tossed a bone every once in a while? I'm hanging on by a thread here and I just feel like if there's any chance of this pregnancy sticking I'm wrecking it by being such an emotional, stressed basket case.

ETA: Oh, I forgot to mention that this friend has been fighting like crazy with her boyfriend and wasn't planning on getting pregnant until they could work things out.

LaLe09 · March 2012

So sorry you are in beta hell. I've been there twice and it honestly has been some of the hardest weeks of my life. Not knowing what is going on and holding on to the teeny tiny thread of hope that we are given after all of the hell we've been through is just pure torture. I have no advice on how to get through it because I was 100% crazycakes during my beta hells. I just leaned on my hubby alot. And my family. And I just let it all out- the crying, the sadness, the anxiety. Sorry about your very unsupportive friend. Honestly, i'd lose it. She clearly does not understand at all what you are going through. I'm sorry. Hang in there. I hope you get some answers soon.

Edwina.McDunnough · March 2012

A lot of pregnancies start off with erratic betas, and I hope this is the case for you. Hang in there.

Mrkyrain · March 2012

I am sorry. Big hugs. I don't have much to say except that we are here for you. Hopefully this is only a bump in the road and this is your take home baby. I hold onto that hope for you.

dancinaggie · March 2012

Lynda, I'm just so sorry

Beta hell was honestly one of the hardest times of my life. I wish I could say something that would help, but please just know that we are here for you, praying for you, and we understand. I know it's pretty much impossible to maintain any type of composure while you are waiting for another beta, please don't be too hard on yourself. I hope that things take an incredibly good turn for you on Monday! (((Hugs))) sweetie.

XV11Star · March 2012

I just posted on IF about this, but wanted to add my support for you here, too. I am praying that you are just being tested this one last time but that this IS your take home baby and you are going to have such a beautiful turnaround now! Sincere best wishes honey, I wish this were easier ...hugs and sticky baby prayers to you.

and p.s. ~ sooo sorry about your losses

farmerlynda · March 2012

Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone... they really mean the world. The only people who really "get it' is MH and you all... and of course, being a man, he doesn't really understand the stress of all the drama taking place inside your body.

I'm hoping for the best, and feeling a little better since letting my rant out Thanks for listening.

mm29 · March 2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this! Like E said, many beta's start out erratic. I am keeping you in my thoughts! (((huge, huge hugs)))

Gregermis · March 2012

You are to sweet to be going through this!! ((Huge Hugs))

I have been where you are so I completely understand. Just keep reminding yourself that today you are pregnant and try to distract yourself as much as possible. Preferrably with happy, calming things (not dead roosters... ick! I'm so sorry about that... you find out who did it and I'll throat punch them for you!). Any chance hubby can pick up a little bit of slack today to try to help shield you from anymore of those unwanted discoveries? I really really hope that you get a great beta result tomorrow... Lots of T&Ps for you, your DH and your wonderful little animals!

illinigal · March 2012

Hugs. I'm so sorry you are in beta hell. I hope you have a little fighter in there. Don't give up.

And I'm sorry about your animal losses lately... That is just awful.

mdluv21 · March 2012

I am sorry hon. I def. know about feeling like the only luck that I have is terrible luck.

I hope your betas increase and this works out to be your take home baby. ((hugs))

katib77 · March 2012

Lynda, you know I'm hoping that on Monday your beta is super high to erase the doubt from you mind. But I can only imagine the anxiety this limbo makes your mind and emotions go through. I'm so sorry these last few months have been hard on you both in IF world, and FarmerLynda world. I wish nothing but for you to have your take home baby. ((((HUGS))))

Jenny952 · March 2012

Oh, dear I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're having a rough go. It's usually even worse when you get a BFP from someone who wasn't planning for it. I know we have all been there and it totally sucks... you just want to catch a break. I hope things turn around for you and you get some good news soon. (((HUGS)))

Faith722 · March 2012

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much. Just one of those things alone would be more than enough!

I had a similar journey -- IVF1 was a BFN and IVF2 was an early m/c. I literally started spotting 12 hours after my positive HPT. I m/c 3 days later. I honestly don't know which was worse -- the shock and sadness of a BFN or the sick joke of having a BFP ripped away from you.

I'm praying that you'll be one of the lucky ones that comes out of beta hell with a happy ending.

(((HUGS)))

reb259 · April 2012

I hope Monday is a good day for you!! Big hugs!

theworms · April 2012

Edwina.McDunnough:
A lot of pregnancies start off with erratic betas, and I hope this is the case for you. Hang in there.

ditto E

sorry for the beta hell. i hope it ends with a sticky BFP.

(HUGS)

lynn0926 · April 2012

Everything with IF is just so unfair and then to have to be put through beta hell makes all that much worse. Big hugs hun! Maybe right now is a good time to take space from your friend too!

BeeBee08 · April 2012

I'm sorry. Huge ((hugs)), nothing about this process is easy and has us constantly wondering why life is so unfair sometimes. Like others have said, sometimes crazy betas still end up with a beatiful little take-home baby. That's what I'm praying for for you. Good Luck and hang in there!

Mayan2011 · April 2012

:::Kicks IF in the balls:::

IF is not fair sweets, and it seems that life has really thrown you way too many curve balls over the last little while. I am so sorry. I really hope that you get the surprise of your life on Monday. I am thinking of you.

xo

Yellow_Daisy · April 2012

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this at all, but especially all at once. Don't give up hope just yet stranger things have happened with betas. More (((hugs)))

vanessagorc · April 2012

I'm so sorry all of this has come crashing down on u. U must be so overwhelmed, with good reason.

Praying that ur beta looks great tomorrow, and u have a sticky baby in there.

Mrs.McIrish · April 2012

Hoping your luck turns around and your beta comes back strong tomorrow. No advice on why everything has to be so hard. I also feel like a black cloud is following me around. Hugs.

naybird · April 2012

Bug hugs, darlin. Fingers crossed you get a great beta and it eases some of your fears.

Take care of yourself.

AmCheri · April 2012

Still thinking about you. I just hate that it's so hard. You can't control what's going to happen with this pregnancy. You can't put that kind of pressure on yourself sweetie. Just do the best you can in each moment and always remember that you're not alone. Hugs.