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June 2012 Moms
chicagocubsfan23
member
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Non-understanding friends...
chicagocubsfan23
member
So this weekend DH and I went to the small bar that we used to go to after work all of the time when we worked together and before we dated. We went to celebrate his last night at his job, and a bunch of the guys met up with us there. I hadn't originally even planned on going, thinking it would be more of a guys night, but DH asked if I would go so I had a couple of my girlfriends also meet us there, and we all played darts and hung out. Well, one of our mutual friends kept buying DH shots, so I'm glad I went so I knew he got home safely. This friend, who is a few years older than us, came up to me and started talking to me about how he always texts DH to go out and DH always tells him no he's just going to go home. And how ever since DH and I got together, DH is no fun anymore and never wants to go drinking.
I didn't even know he was texting DH to go out, and I don't think it's my fault DH would rather come home to his wife than go get wasted at a bar. He kept saying I need to let DH come out once a month to drink with him, I said I didn't care if he had a guys night, I wasn't stopping him. Then after the bar and we got home, he started drunk texting me about how we're no fun any more and now that the baby is coming he's never going to see his best friend. We invite him over to grill and hang out all the time, but he declines because he wants to go clubbing instead. That's just not our scene anymore. The next morning he posted on Facebook about how his friends suck and he guesses they can just go on living "their" lives while he's left behind.
I feel bad that he feels this way, but it also kind of irritates me that he's putting this all on me. DH and I are growing up, we're past the going out and partying all of the time stage. And we invite him out to lunch or over to grill or to movies, other things like that. So I feel like we're trying to keep in touch and still hang out. I don't know what else to do, but I also don't think I should feel bad about it! DH and I are the only married couple in our circle of friends, and the only ones that are going to have a baby. Sometimes I wish we could meet some new people that are in the same place in their lives as we are...
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Re: Non-understanding friends...
He sounds really immature! You guys seem very flexible and you definitely don't sound controlling - your DH is obviously making his own decisions, and all considered they are very reasonable ones. Your friend is clearly at a different place in his life, and if he can't accept the fact that people don't generally get stuck in that place forever then that's his problem. It seems like you do try to include him, so it's his prerogative to make himself feel left out. I know what you mean about not having many friends in the same place, though - many of my friends (even if they're not ready for kids, etc, yet) are at least understanding of what's going on with us. DH's friends, on the other hand, are all very anti-children at the moment. They're happy for us and I'm sure that they won't hate our baby or anything, but I'm waiting to see how many will actually continue to try to maintain a relationship with us after she's born.
Sorry that you're going through this - I hope that your friend has an epiphany soon! What is your DH's take on all this? If he's primarily DH's friend, maybe that's something for the boys to sort out.
Sounds like he's really immature. I would have come up with a catty or patronizing response to put on his facebook....but that's just my immature side coming out.
Could your DH talk to him? We had some friends drift away for a few years and are now coming back to us since they're getting married and settling down. Fortunately, they didn't make a big scene out of it, though. We just went our separate ways for a little while. Good long-time friends go through ebbs and flows. Maybe DH could help him see that.
I would want to do the same thing, I'd say 'Hey we gotta grow up some time, can't wait for you to meet our newest edition'.
I would agree with this assesment. Maybe they were best friends at one time, but it sounds as though your DH has tried to include him in his life, but the guy doesn't want to be there unless there is drinking involved.
My DH and I got married young and most of our friends were still into the party scene. It was tough for awhile, but a few true friends still came around when invited for a meal.
Sounds like you two are ready to grow up and settle down while your friends aren't there yet. And that is totally normal among any group of friends where some get married while others remain unmarried.
It is hard when your stage of life changes but not that of those around you. This guy does sound like a real peach, but props to YH for choosing you and not playing the martyr to you about how he never goes out any more because you are pregnant.
DH and I decided to do a 10week birth and babies class - not because we feel the 10week version (6 weeks before baby, 4weeks after) would be more beneficial than the weekend blitz, but because we heard it was a great way to meet other couples that are in the same place as you - new baby and all that (typically first babies too since most second timers skip the classes). Maybe you can check and see if there is something similar in your area?
I agree with this.
Also I would ignore the fb message. Not worth responding as it will only cause more drama.
Yea we didn't say anything to what he posted on Facebook, I just figured it's not worth having a petty fight over. All of my girlfriends are cool about us getting married and having a baby and we still get together for dinner or a movie, I just wish DH's friends were the same!
I could have written virtually the same thing. DH's best friend is kind of the same way. On the night of our engagement the first thing he said was "I'm really happy for you two, but I just lost my best friend."
I told him things wouldn't have to change significantly in terms of them hanging out (this friend only likes going to bars, doesn't like little get-togethers/dinners at peoples' houses), until I got pregnant, and then we'd have to make some changes.
Over the course of the past 1.5 years we've been married, DH has stopped hanging out with him as much, because it was causing issues when the friend would try to get DH really trashed to make me angry. I repeatedly told them both, I'd rather they hang out for half as long, but twice as often, so DH wouldn't drink so much, but rather than have that happen, DH started spending less time with his friend (his decision).
The friend blames me, and I just tell him the truth, that half the time I don't even know he has contacted DH to hang out, and maybe 1 or 2 out of every 10 times DH declines his invitations to hang out, are because I vetoed them, but the vast majority come from him. Then I tell him if it makes him feel better, he can blame me for all of it, but that I have told him the truth, and I'm not going to discuss it any further.
IVF #1: 9/11: ER: 12R, 11M, 10F, No Frosties; 5dt: 2 blasts, 1 morula; DD born 6/3/12
IVF #2: 11/12-12/12: ER: 20R, 20M, 16F, 4 Frosties; 5dt: 3 blasts, DS born 8/9/13
we have a friend like this too- when we were younger, we all used to go out and drink together all the time- this friend is still single so is still in the drinking/bar scene. DH and I don't really enjoy that anymore- it's too bad, but sometimes the friends you have just aren't in the same place in life as you are and there gets to be a bit of a distance there- I'm just hoping this friend settles down sometime soon so we can all kinda move onto the next phase of life together...
doesn't seem like your husband is too worried about it or that he cares that he's not going out and drinking all the time- I would just say whatever and hopefully the friend will grow up some day and get to the same point in life that you guys are at
Out of all of our friends - DH and I are the ONLY married couple - let alone having a baby. We have a mutual friend who is the same age as us, but in a completely different part of his life. When this guy gets drunk, he tends to go overboard. When he goes that far - he does what your friend does - gets all drunk texty and you're no fun anymore. I just roll my eyes and don't take it personally.
In the case of our friend, I know his situation and I know that he isn't happy with his current standing. Maybe just give him some time to get off the drunk wagon and realize that it's up to him to get want he wants. He will see the light at some point. Just don't forget about him, as long as you keep making the effort, when he's ready he'll come around again and NOT just as a drinking buddy.