How friendships change

tinaraye · April 2012

As an older first-time mama, most of my friends are child-free by choice. I was child-free for so long that I think we all just gravitated to each other. Out of the pack, I was the only one who always wanted children. Now baby is 9 mos old, and my life is totally different. It revolves around her; we don't make plans after 7pm. I'm fine with this--have no interest in leaving her with a sitter or disrupting our routine so I can go out. But still, my old group of friends get together without us. We're not invited over. They don't call. And I have yet to find new friends similar to us--older with a baby. It's hard seeing these longtime friendships fall by the wayside. Has anyone else felt isolated or left out after having baby?

gimmietimmies · April 2012

I had a whole long answer typed out. To be brief (er), if your friends truly valued your friendship, they would still invite you, and be flexible. They'd also be understanding when you couldn't make it. At some point though, you should leave lo with a babysitter, or even just your dh and take time for yourself. Why not meet up for drinks, and not stay for dinner? Call and ask them. If you feel a cold breeze, move on. It's okay to mourn the loss of the friendship, but understand that not all friendships are lifetime.

I do understand isolation, and you will find people that you mesh with, it takes time. It's taken me a few years to find friends, couples and singles, that I (also we, dh and I), enjoy spending time with. I also leave the kids with sitters from time to time, because even though I'm a parent, I'm still a person. I need to recharge, and the kids need me recharged. I can admit to not doing this enough, but that's also the perils of a large family.

And please, please don't limit yourself to just moms like you, older with a baby. You will find you click with people of all ages, just like you don't get along with some. I have young and "older" mom friends, who like me, are fairly down to earth, have a sense of humour, and love to get together. They definately are not the drama queens of TV shows. And a few of my favorites are much much older ladies (think 70+) who love to have a coffee and a good laugh.

Start off in play groups or malls or coffee shops. Don't be intimidated, just talk. Make a point in saying hi, or even striking up a conversation. That was hard for me, because I was, and still am, extremely shy to the point of being frozen. Get out with lo, I know you like your routine, but at 9 months, you'll be able to be more flexible (unless you've been blessed with a lo who can't sleep anywhere but the crib, etc). Hugs, it's hard, but if you're willing to compromise a little, I think you'll find what you're looking for.

BrideBuddies · April 2012

Someone else just asked this same thing maybe a week ago or so. Our board is slow enough.. you should be able to find it in the previous couple of pages.

You need to make the first steps toward renewing the relationships. Don't wait for them to call.. you set up afternoon BBQs at your house, etc.

EastCoastBride · April 2012

Well, what I read here makes me think "you can't have it both ways", but I do want to ask - did you have the baby and they just suddenly stopped including you? Or did they try to include you and you just constantly said "no" to them, or you always wanted to bring the baby?

Sure, we can say "if they were good friends, they'd still invite you", but it goes the other way too - if you are a good friend, you'd find time for them still.

Most parents lives "revolve" around their child to some degree, but if your life is entirely about your child and you make no room for anything else - that's kind of on you, not them.

And I agree, why focus on finding older moms to be friends with? Why not just try to find moms? I've met a ton of other moms in my neighborhood. Quite a few of them are quite a bit younger- but they are mature and we all enjoy getting together and hanging out on occasion.

vanverth · April 2012

Also, are they your friends alone or are they couple friends (both you and DH)? If these are your friends, can you just go out with them and leave DH with LO?

stever · April 2012

BrideBuddies:
Someone else just asked this same thing maybe a week ago or so. Our board is slow enough.. you should be able to find it in the previous couple of pages.

You need to make the first steps toward renewing the relationships. Don't wait for them to call.. you set up afternoon BBQs at your house, etc.

This. Most of my friends with kids have kids who are at least tweens. I only have one old friend who has a LO DS's age. If I wanted more friends who had friends for DS I'd have to seek them out or make friends with his Gymboree buddies' moms.

ateytelb · April 2012

I think there are 2 issues here:

1. You feel disconnected from your old friends because your interests have changed

2. You want to find new friends whose activities are focused on young children.

I think if the friendship with old friends is "real', then, despite everything, you will fnd a way to reconnect and spend some time together. If neither of you wants to make an effort then maybe they were not "real" friends.

From my own experience, when I was in my early 20s, I easily found friends through my oldest DD's playmates (also young mothers), and I am still in touch with some of them. I find the situation different right now. The kids play together, the parents talk but do not become friends. Everyone must too busy keeping up wih their already established groups of friends, and they are not looking for new friendships. So the age does play a role here.

jlw2505 · April 2012

What you are going through is normal. My best advice is that you will meet others as you get out and get more involved in things like Mommy and Me type classes or even as your child goes to classes and you sit and watch with the other parents. If you child is in daycare, as your child gets older, make play dates with the other families. Try not to focus as much on the age of the other parents as your interestes - once you get to a certain, who really cares if you are 40 and the other parents are in their early 30's. If you enjoy doing the same things, then do them. As far as your old friends - get a sitter and go out. Call and make lunch plans or plan a women's night out and leave your DH home with the kids. You might have fun and you might realize that you don't have things in common with group any longer and you are OK moving on. I moved to a new state 11 years ago and do not have many friends. My girls are now 4 and 5 and I am starting to make friends from the classes my girls are in (hanging out for the 30-45 mins with the other parents and I don't bring a book, I find a person who looks friendly and start up a conversation). We go to Tot Shabbat services at Temple and have met other families with kids around the same age. Also know that as your child gets older, it gets so much easier to meet people and do things. If you are home, go to the same park at the same time a few days a week and see who else is there that might look friendly and start up a conversation. It takes work but is worth it in the end.

tinaraye · April 2012

Thanks for the input here, Mamas. I do need to make time to get out to the park and places like that where there are other mothers, and you're right--I shouldn't really focus on the age...

As for the old friends, they'll have to settle for lunch dates for now and I'll work up to an evening cocktail in the future!

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