MIL - Ugh!

Little Monchichi · April 2012

So my MIL decides to tell DH that she is planning to visit us the week after I am due. While this may not be a big deal to some, it is rather annoying to me. She lives several states away, so we don't see her that often. I do understand her wanting to see us. But, the problem is that 1- my parents, at least my mom, will most likely still be here then and 2- they don't really get along. And it is just always weird around the house when she comes to visit anyway. I don't know how to explain it. Plus, I'm just not really into all the visitors that soon. I know the house will be a disaster and I won't be able to do anything about it, nor will I be able to entertain visitors either. Most likely isn't anything that I can do. I just needed to vent. Sometimes, I really wish we lived closer to everyone so that they could come for the day or just a few days and then go home instead of a week or more at a time. :-/

gingerfamily · April 2012

really, come on it's not that big of a deal. I wish my MIL could come visit us, but she passed away a few years back. Be thankful she wants to come visit at all.

WhitewaterJennny · April 2012

My MIL is a L&D nurse and actually expected to be in the delivery room with us. That was not a pretty conversation as she immediately freaks out when she doesn't get her way. She lives in the US a day we live in Canada (I'm very thankful she lives in another country). We had to tell her last week that we decided that we did not want out of town visitors fir at least 3 weeks after baby so we had time to adjust and get in routine. This is DH and my first baby and her first grandchild. I do understand she wants to be here but we feel like she will just make such a great experience into a negative one with her constant butting in and hovering. We were able go hold her off by one week past due date for her two week visit. Anyway I get where you are coming from.

jbBeans · April 2012

Afunky6:
I dont have a problem with my MIL, so I dont really know where your coming from on that. But possibly you could talk to her and ask if she could space it out a bit? So that way there arent alot of people in your house at once. As far as her coming at all, there's nothing you can do about that. She's your MIL and the grandmother of your LO and is probably really excited to see him/her.

Agreed. I think it's totally within reason for you to tell her (or better yet, your husband) that you'd rather no visitors just then. It'd probably help if you schedule it ahead of time so it's not just like you don't want her there at all. Hopefully she'll be understanding and respectful, but if not, I think this is totally something you're allowed to insist on.

mb314 · April 2012

Hopefully she is not expecting a clean house and to be entertained. Hopefully she just wants to see her new grandchild and help you. And be honest with her if her staing with you is an issue. suggest a hotel if she wants to visit then o r tell her that a few weeks or a month later would work better if she would like to stay with you

Holly_1007 · April 2012

firstly, what are the guarantees LO will even be here by then? or you could still be in the hospital at that point. Secondly, when you give birth the only people you are going to want in your home are the people that are going to help you. and by help you I don't mean hold LO, I mean cook dinner, do some laundry, change a few diapers while YOU and your husband bond with YOUR new baby. Pushy MIL's and parents in general really irk me.

I would have DH push her off atleast another week, knowing that LO might not even be there yet. Also, I would tell them they need to stay in a hotel. If you are going to try breastfeeding your going to want some privacy in your home, you arent going to want to make sure theres fresh sheets on the guest bed and plenty of TP in the bathroom.

good luck

KKSBeans · April 2012

I have the exact opposite issue with my MIL. She has no intention of coming here for a baby shower or after it is born.However, she will absolutely expect us to drive to South Carolina (we live in Ohio) when it gets a "little older". I know this because she has already said it and I witnessed her try to guilt my BIL in to doing it.

redneckmomma25 · April 2012

I would think you should welcome all the help you can get. Ask her to wait a little bit, say that your mom will bet there to help first and you would like someone to help when she leaves.

JenOSU03 · April 2012

Ugh! I would suggest that your dh talk to her and let her know that you don't want visitors. Dealing with MILs when you don't have a great relationship is so hard! I am dreading any and all conversations about our baby and my MIL. Thank goodness she will not desire to come to our house.

MississippiCatfish · April 2012

Hey, it'll be okay! I feel bad about the posters saying "you SHOULD want her to come." We don't know either of you, and you should feel however YOU think you should feel. I love my MIL, but if she was staying with me for a week, it wouldn't feel like "extra help" no matter what anyone on a message board says. I would encourage you to be as honest as possible though, knowing that it's really difficult. If we were in that situation, I would ask my husband to speak to her (and I would take the brunt with things that came up with my mom). But, that's just us and I don't know how you guys work best together! Hope you find a solution!

PS - I feel really bad for the PP who said that MIL assumed she could be in the delivery room! Jeepers! Glad that got straightened out for you!!:)

gblake · April 2012

ITA with angiebolt. Our situation is not your situation. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Not everyone needs help or wants to receive the help that's been given. Plus your own mother will be there. Have DH nip this in the butt now. Explain that you all would rather her come later.

Little Monchichi · April 2012

Thanks, ladies. I see where all of you are coming from, really. I just wanted to vent a bit since I am really dreading this.

It's not that I dislike my MIL. It's just that when she comes to stay, it's always for an extended visit and it's like she's thinks she's here on a vacation. Not that she won't help with some things, but I am very particular in how I want things done around my house. I appreciate the offer, but would rather do it myself if I am just going to have to redo it anyway. I don't have any of those issues with my parents.

And I would love for her to stay in a hotel, but DH wouldn't have it. And DH will never tell her she can't come or that she has to adjust her timeline. It will either have to be me - and I'll have to be the bad guy - or I will have to suck it up, put my big girl pants on, and deal. I wish our relationship was different, but it just isn't. I am just grateful that only my parents are close enough to be and want to be here for the delivery. We will see how things play out. I appreciate the kind words and understanding! I wish those of you with similar situations lots of luck. And am sorry to those who have lost parents or in-laws and do not have the opportunity for them to be there for you.

teacherjess · April 2012

I understand where you're coming from. I would not want my MIL to be there that soon after delivery. I was in so much pain still, bleeding like I'd been murdered, and struggling with breastfeeding. I barely wanted DH around, let alone my awkward MIL. My ILs also live several states away, and they planned to stay for a couple weeks. It ended up being okay for me because I more or less just ignored her and she sat in a chair and held the baby all day when I wasn't with her, but I am specifically asking her to wait longer this time around because it's just too soon.

Little Monchichi · April 2012

Aururaloo - I'm not being rude or grossly unfair to anyone. No one said she couldn't come to visit. I have little to no relationship with MIL. And she has shown me in the past that her visits to "help" after I had surgery are basically a vacation for her. I am dreading a repeat of last time. And since there are so many unknowns (especially since it's only April), I just think it is a bit premature for her to advise that is the week she is taking off and coming. I'd actually almost rather she be at the hospital or visit while I am there and not afterwards, but that's just me.

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