[unwanted] visitors at the hospital

travnicek · April 2012

I have to have a c-section this June. If that wasn't scary enough, because c-sections are scheduled surgeries, my entire family has made plans to be at the hospital for the birth.

I know I should feel excited that they all want to come and share this experience with my husband, LO and I...but I don't. When LO was born, my family and inlaws came for the birth, but then left shortly afterward (because I was exhausted, and it was late by the time LO got here), and it was perfect. My husband and I had so much time to enjoy being a new family of three.

With this baby, everyone has already made plans (and taken vacation time off) to come and staaaaay in the city where we live (2-3 hours away from everyone), and it is making me soooo stressed!

I don't want anyone to be around a lot or feel like I have to cover up when I'm nursing when I'm at the hospital, but we need the help because we have a 1 year old who needs to be taken care of while we're at the hospital.

What are all of your plans for visitors while you stay at the hospital? Any moms been through awkward situations like mine before? I need some advice!

BeerBeck · April 2012

My first recommendation would have been to not tell them when you were having your c-section but, it appears they already know.

So, moving forward, I would simply be open and honest about your feelings and let them know what is expected. If you do not want them at the hospital, simply tell them that you would feel more comfortable if they waited until you were home and settled before coming over ... and that you or your husband would call and let them know when that time is.

Personally, I would just make arrangements with the individual(s) that is taking care of your other child and let them be the one person 'in the loop' but, even then, stick to your original wishes.

This is your time with your little one and family, and you should not feel the need to compromise that just because certain family members were over-zealous in thinking they could invade your time and space.

Christina_Diane · April 2012

Let your family and your nurses know your wishes. If you want several hours alone with the baby after birth, have it. If you want to nurse privately, or if you want some time by yourself, kick them out. Of course be nice about it at first. You can say something like, "okay, we are tired. We'll call or text when we are up for some more visiting." If they don't leave, then have the hospital staff give them the boot.

The only hospital visitors we will have will be my ILs. I have no problem kicking them out or telling them what I want. We have a great relationship.

itkatydid · April 2012

Christina_Diane:
Let your family and your nurses know your wishes. If you want several hours alone with the baby after birth, have it. If you want to nurse privately, or if you want some time by yourself, kick them out. Of course be nice about it at first. You can say something like, "okay, we are tired. We'll call or text when we are up for some more visiting." If they don't leave, then have the hospital staff give them the boot.

Yep, I am sure that the nurses at the hospital are not strangers to dealing with unwanted guests. Make them do the dirty work and keep them out or shoo them out afterward.

Or just tell your family you are tired, hurting, whatever to keep them out of the hospital room.

JuneBugBaby2012 · April 2012

It's nice to have a support system, but I feel the same way about having a while to bond and be alone. If you tell the nurses you want alone time, they'll make sure you have it. If they don't, you can call the visitors desk and let them know you aren't having visitors right now and that stops them at the door (at least at our hospital it does).

Maybe since everyone knows the date, you could send out a simple email just a few days before explaining your wishes immediately after birth. All visitors are welcome to come after the first day (or x amount of days) you are recovering, per your doctor's suggestion. My family would be ok with that, but it might not be for everyone. And that you'd really appreciate a bit of bonding time with baby and your husband and that any help for your other child would be greatly appreciated.

If all else fails, just have your husband cover for you. She's tired, washing her hair, suddenly joining the space program...

joshandpanda · April 2012

There will be no one at the hospital while I am in labor. We will be calling our parents and my sisters (H is an only child) when we get there just to inform them, then once LO is here, we will spend a few hours with him just as a family, then we will call the rest of the family to let them know he is here, but we are going to kind of "schedule" people to come up to visit, just so all off us are not bombarded with visitors.

FemShep · April 2012

I definitely understand needing family to help with your child-DD is 7, and we need someone to stay with her. But there are ways around this, and your nurses will absolutely help. At our hospital, they now do skin to skin bonding, even with a CS, so while I'm being sewn up, DH does skin to skin with new baby. Once I get to recovery, DH, baby and I have at least 2 hours for bonding (and they encourage BFing at this time too). The hospital will literally not let other visitors onto the maternity ward until you've left recovery and then OKed visitors. Any chance your hospital has a similar policy?

In any case, ask visitors to only visit between certain hours (which your nurses will totally support if your hospital doesn't have a policy on this) and ask that they limit their visits to a certain amount of time. Get your DH on board before you communicate this-he should be running interference for you as well.

Good luck!

MotherMonster · April 2012

itkatydid:
Christina_Diane:
Let your family and your nurses know your wishes. If you want several hours alone with the baby after birth, have it. If you want to nurse privately, or if you want some time by yourself, kick them out. Of course be nice about it at first. You can say something like, "okay, we are tired. We'll call or text when we are up for some more visiting." If they don't leave, then have the hospital staff give them the boot.
Yep, I am sure that the nurses at the hospital are not strangers to dealing with unwanted guests. Make them do the dirty work and keep them out or shoo them out afterward.
Or just tell your family you are tired, hurting, whatever to keep them out of the hospital room.

I'm with these ladies and what they said! If you want time with just you, DH and your new little one, then have it. Anyone visiting you needs to respect your wishes! I had a friend who had a baby a while back and I went to visit her (I know I don't want to have tons of people with me so I did wait 2 days to go see her) I told her to just let me know if I needed to step out for her to nurse or pump or whatever. The focus should be on what's best for you and your new little one and growing family, not what everyone else wants. Momma knows best! Or that's at least my motto over it!

I have friends and family that would like to come see me and my little girl while we're in the hospital, but they all said to just let them know if I am up to it after she gets here vs. really planning it out like that. Plus there's so many variables when it comes to labor and delivery, like you might need to deliver sooner if something happens. I don't know..to me it seems like jumping the gun to me for them to be dead set on it all.

Davesgrl2011 · April 2012

I am having a lot of the same issue. I am not having a C-section (I hope) but my IL's (FIL, BIL and his fiance, grandparents, and 2-3 family friends) live about an hour flight away and have already taken over my labor, delivery and recovery/bonding time. They are planning on hopping on a plane as soon as they hear I am in labor, (so depending on the flights, they could potentially get here before I even leave for the hospital, which is something I really really don't want).

I told my DH that the only people who will be in the labor/delivery room will be my mom and him. Even if I am in good spirits, have gotten an epi (I am shooting for a med-free birth) and am feeling chatty, I still do not want anyone "popping" in and out. Luckily the hospital has a security door into the maternity ward, so no one I haven't designated will be allowed into ward. I don't know why anyone would want to sit in the waiting room for hours, but whatever, because my DH is going to be there for ME, not as an emissary of news to this family.

AND I don't want a lot of company after the birth. I am going to breastfeed, and I want time alone with my son to bond. My mom will slip away quietly after his birth, but my IL's will expect to come in, pass him around, take tons of flash photos.... it will be awkward every time I need to ask them to leave so I can breast feed.

OH- to solve the first problem I told my DH that he is NOT to tell anyone I am in labor until I give him the go ahead. After I am settled in the hospital, not before.

laurakaz13 · April 2012

We didn't call anyone until after DD was born and no one was allowed at the hospital. Luckily none of our family members live in the same state.

Just tell them how you feel.

jknigh8 · April 2012

My family was planning on all coming because they all live in town. I wanted some space too for the same reasons as you. I just told them that only DH is allowed in the delivery room, and since I will be in recovery for at least an hour after the c/s, it really doesnt make sense for everyone to be waiting around. I told them all that DH would call when we were up for visitors. They all understood and were much more gracious than I expected. It was the same with my c/s with dd #1 and they all respected my wishes. It was a good thing too, because on dd's scheduled c/s date, there ended up being too many emergencies and DH and I waited 8 hrs before they sent me home! I had to go back the next day to actually have her.

Daisy22 · April 2012

I kick people out in the hospital except dh and my mom. Really thorugh most people only stayed 30 minutes thankfully. I would definitely tell people to get out if you need to rest or nurse. They can go to the waiting room or where ever but it's not your job to entertain or make them feel comfortable. Make sure your dh is on the same page so he can enforce and i'd even tell your nurses if you need help. I had several nurses that were the bad guys for me.

freezorburn · April 2012

Davesgrl2011:
I don't know why anyone would want to sit in the waiting room for hours, but whatever

This. Especially if some of them are in charge of taking care of your 1YO. I would think everyone would be more comfortable passing the time at home.

We haven't yet had this conversation with my ILs or parents, as we feel it's best delivered in person (there have already been plenty of hurt feelings all around regarding our first baby and everyone's first grandchild, like who gets to buy what for the baby and so on). Probably a safe assumption that MIL wants to be knitting in the waiting room while I am in labor. DH is planning to put her on dog duty (someone has to take care of the dog while we're in the hospital!)

At the hospital where we will be delivering, we stay in the delivery room for about 2 hours then will be moved to a postpartum room where visitors are not permitted for at least the 1st hour. All I have to say is, what if the baby is born at 1 am? Do they seriously want spend all day and all night waiting around? They wouldn't even get to visit us until visiting hours the next day.

Sarahrun · April 2012

My step-sister sent out an email ahead of time with a rough timeline that allowed for some visit time but kept it to a minimum and after recovery time and time just with her and her husband and daughter. I think it worked well for her.

vanillacourage · April 2012

I would just tell them that given you'll be having major surgery, you know everyone is excited about the baby but you don't know how you'll feel immediately after birthbor during the length of your hospital stay. Keep in mind though, sometimes it's best to get some visitors out of the way while you're still in the hospital - rooms are small, chairs aren't comfy and nurses will kick them out for you. If people have their first visit when you're already home, in my experience they tend to stay longer and it stressed me out to have a lot of company when I was physically unable to keep the house well-cleaned or be a very good hostess.

Irishgypsy88 · April 2012

I finally convinced DH that I didn't want people coming in to visit right away. He was going to call his mother as soon as we left for the hospital, but I wanted him to wait to make any calls at all until DS was born. He fought me at first, saying "well, then why should they bother coming at all?" I'm going to be there for 2 days. They'll have time. Plus, visiting hours are limited to 12-8 pm, so if he's born in the middle of the night or in the morning, they can't come in anyway. Plus, why would you want to wait around for who-know-how-many hours for my labor? (FTM) He started putting others' wishes above mine, but I stopped that pretty quick. I want to recover and bond with my son before having his family descend on me (I'm not even sure my mother will be there...she and my father are 2.5 hours away and may just wait until she's scheduled to come down to stay on the second week home).

Bottom line...you're the one going through this. You should be the ultimate decision-maker about who's there and when.

Smootchy · April 2012

seeing as you're having surgery and you have a one year old, it might be nice to have some help.. Spread Out! One person, maybe your mom or MIL could come to keep LO home for the 3 days you'll be in the hospital. And maybe they can bring LO to see you etc... Then people can come in shifts, you'll need more help when you're home from the hospital.

People who "have to come to the hospital" IMO, are more selfish than helpful. You don't need help in the hospital. You'll like help much more while at home for the first few weeks.

Tell people, I know you're excited to see the new baby, but is there anyway you can come down the next week or week or two after... Seeing as DH will be back at work and it's much better for you to help me at home when I'm alone with a toddler and a new born after surgery.

My mom was all excited at took the day off and wanted to take the week off. I told her she's crazy. I'll need help when hubs goes back to work not the day I have the baby. I know she wants to see DD, but she works 5 mins from hospital. She can come visit after work... Then take time off when I can actually use help.

ashcart01 · April 2012

I have a C-Section scheduled for June 15. Before I told anyone the date I prepped my mom and my sister that besides DH and I, they were the only two to be at the hospital until I gave the O.K. This way, I'm not nailing down a timeline on when I will be ready to deal with everyone.

DrakeShake · April 2012

As part of the birth plan we discussed this having a 2 year old and also I had a c-section last time and was still really out of it after the surgery for about the next 8 hours and dont remember everything. So, I don't want everyone there right after while I am still all drugged up, last time I had 12 people (ALL family). This time I told everyone they can come the next day and bring our son.

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