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Single Parents
filxoxo
member
What if you think he's not ready for a baby?
filxoxo
member
I know there are bits and pieces about my LO's father and my relationship on here so there is no full picture painted. But, we are both in our early 20's. Young parents. I've always been more of an older soul and most of my friends are a lot older than me. That being said, I feel like I am going to be having two babies on my hands soon.
For example. This is the current conversation I am having with my little girl's father. He was talking on FB about how he's moving back to Milwaukee (he moved back by his parents in Illinois once he found out I was pregnant, which is about 2.5 hrs away from me. Milwaukee is a little over an hour away.) Anyways, I asked him if he was really moving or just wishful thinking. He said both. He gets "picked on" by his friends where he lives now. They make fun of him for how he dresses and talks and acts... And it hurts his feelings. And people didn't do that in Milwaukee. So he wants to move back.
I posted the other day about how I hurt his feelings all the time but this is what I have to deal with. I can't baby him. It's time to grow up. And the closer we get to my due date, the more I feel like he isn't ready for a baby, although he wants to be in her life as much as possible. I'm not thinking of limiting his time or responsibilities as a parents but I don't know what to do.
This stuff is so petty and I'm really trying to be patient with him.
BEAN *06/29/2012*
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What if you think he's not ready for a baby?
I am not saying this to be rude or snarky, but I really find you fascinating. So what if he wants to move back to where he was happier? Is that your concern? If I moved somewhere and wasn't happy there and had the opportunity to move back to a place I was happy, I would do it.
A lot of people say a woman becomes a mom when she discovers she is pregnant, and man becomes a father when the baby is born. He does not have a connection with your daughter right now. He can't do anything about that. You can't say he isn't ready to be a parent when he hasn't even had the opportunity yet.
Don't forget, you are only in your 20's. Most people do a lot of growing in their 20s and begin to figure out who they are and what they want in life. What he is doing is completely normal.
I think you need to stop analyzing every move he makes. Its not fair to him to be under your constant criticism. Worry about yourself and your daughter.
The reason he left Milwaukee was because he was so unhappy and miserable. So he moved where he said he would be happy and surrounded by his hometown friends and family. That was honestly his reasoning. Along with all he did in Milwaukee was drink and do drugs and he didn't think he could take the necessary steps to stop as long as he was there. Unemployed for three months now. And now he wants to move back to Milwaukee and continue to be unemployed.
Maybe it is because we are on a little different of a level of maturity. But I feel like if he can't handle his friends joking around with him he's gonna have a hard time when baby is here. He doesn't think ahead and about how is actions aren't only effecting him, but also his daughter.
I could be overreacting. Hormonal and pregnant. But I just see him as a child, not an adult right now. He has room to grow after she's born and hopefully that switch will flip. He's a part of my daughter's life so me worrying about her includes my worries about him.
BEAN *06/29/2012*
1. I feel like you post all of these things about him on the boards because you are looking for validation that he is incapable of being a father. I do not see that at all. There are plenty of people out there that you would never expect it, but they love their children more then anyone could understand. You don't know until your daughter is born.
2. Being upset that his friends are making fun of him does not equal not being able to be a father. If there was someone that was making me upset, it would not hinder my parenting abilities. Plain and simple. He is not being a baby. He doesn't have to deal with people that don't treat him nicely. What is wrong with that?
3. Like I said before, most guys don't start feeling like a parent until the baby is born. You get a special connection with your daughter for 9 months before he gets to meet her and make a connection with her. Cut him some slack. I am assuming this pregnancy was a surprise, so if that is the case, his daddy light switch probably has not flipped on yet. You need to stop analyzing every move he makes and give him a chance. I think you are trying to count him out before you even know what he is capable of and that is not fair to him at all.
1. I post these things because I don't have anyone else that can come close to relating to my situation of being a single mother. I don't know how to handle some of these things because I've never then there before. So maybe a part of me is looking for direction as to whether I am handling certain situations alright or overreacting.
2. I guess I've just never had to deal with people who care so much about (seemingly) petty things. None of my girlfriends even get upset over some of the stuff that he gets upset about. I'll take it as a learning experience to be more of a sensitive person.
3. I'll cut him more slack. I've already apologized for writing off his problem. I'm not trying t to count him out. I just wish he was more involved during my pregnancy than just waiting until the baby comes around. I'm afraid, more than anything, that he will decide this isn't what he wants or realize it's too hard for him when she gets here.
Thanks for setting me straight.
BEAN *06/29/2012*
I'm not sure if it is because of how you are coming across in your posts, but it seems like with each situation you take it and look for the bad in him. If my fiance was having issues with a friend, I would not automatically jump to the conclusion that he can't be a parent. The only way I see that connection is that you are looking for reasons to say he is a bad father.
I think this is a really good learning experience for you. You do sound like you are much more mature then others our age (I am 22) so I see where you are coming from that he is not yet as mature as you, but you have to remember that you are a little ahead of the game. I also have a difficult time with people in our age bracket (I wish I could jump to age 25 or 26 where everyone has grown up). Just because you are mature for your age doesn't mean you can force the father the grow up instantly. It is something you will have to work on with him, and in the end it will make you a better person.
I'm starting to realize it more and more that I need to be patient if he doesn't catch on to certain things that are so clear to me. I just want him to be on the same page as me. This whole thing is a growing experience for the both of us and you're right. Even when our LO is born, I can't expect him to automatically be a mature adult. It'll take a while. *deep breaths* and turn the other cheek.
His immature thought process is what scared me ( into overreacting and jumping to the conclusion and) thinking he may not be ready for parenthood. I just get nervous since this situation isn't ideal for anyone in the first place.
BEAN *06/29/2012*