how do you know you are ready for a baby?
I usually dont look for answers on internet but for some reason i think this will be a good idea. Last year we decide to start trying to have a baby next february 2012... and now i feel so scared, depressed and anxious......, is this normal? i mean yes i do want to have a child and my biological clock is ticking....... i will be 33 years old this year. In my mind i know that this is the right time because i have a strong relation with 5 years of marriage, he is ready for a baby, and i am healthy in my 32 years old, ... on the other side we don't own a house, we dont have super extra money to spend, and im still have a long path between 4-7 years to finish the educational goal that i just started, plus i am not a kid person,... i suppose this feeling change when the baby is in your belly. I know, i know is never the right moment, but why i am feeling so insecure about this, im over thinking my situation but i don't want to regret about it if i keep waiting or jump in the baby journey.
...just want to know if suddenly one day i will wake up thinking on babies and anything else? is that the way it happens?..... thanks for any advice!
Re: how do you know you are ready for a baby?
Here's my story, maybe it will help.
Valentine's day 2010 I gave my husband a box of condoms and a fifth of Crown as a gift. When he looked at me confused I said "I went off the pill on the first (of Feb) like we talked about, so these are for you to use if you're not quite ready, I'm okay with that."
Fast forward to May 14th, 2010 when I was diagnosed with stage 1c Triple Negative Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. More commonly known as breast cancer. Talk about a shock. There went any plans for a baby out the window. I endured six rounds of chemo and genetic testing only to be told the testing resulted in a positive and I had to have a double mastectomy. Sh!t. This was getting weirder by the moment. Not only that, but it was the BRCA II (pronounce Braca) that was positive which meant not only did I have an increased risk of the breast cancer coming back, hence the double mastectomy, *but* I had an increased risk of developing Ovarian Cancer. AWESOME.
I was diagnosed on May 14th, 2010, and then "un"-diagnosed, as I put it, on Oct. 15th, 2010, the day of my mastectomy. I was finally back to my old self with new boobs by Valentine's Day, 2011. We had been told that we had to wait *at least* a year from the date of my last Chemo (Sept. 17th) to start trying to have a baby because it would take that long for the chemo to be out of my system. Fine. I wasn't interested in making babies then anyways, I was more interested in getting my body back, my sense of self back, my hair back and our sex life back.
October of 2011 I went for one of my regular check-ups and when my oncologist said "Any questions?" I immediately said "What about babies? We can start now, right?" Now. Keep in mind that I had been waffling back and forth on this subject in my brain and in my heart for a while at that point. I *KNEW* we needed to get at it because my ovaries are on a time limit. With the increased risk of Ovarian cancer, they're taking them by the time I'm 40 whether I like it or not, whether we have kids by then or not. It was something that was always weighing in the back of my brain. "Am I ready?" "Is he ready?", "Are WE ready?" and I went through all the same things you've mentioned. Money, stability, etc, etc, etc. The more I thought about it the more I realized that yes in fact we were ready and in fact we're never going to be ready. It's a huge life change, one that we have no idea about...yet.
Now, at this point, had you asked me if I was ready to have a kid, my reply would have been some sarcastic flippant remark like "Eh, whatever. If it happens it happens, blah blah blah" because I was scared to death it wasn't going to happen for us. Who knew what the chemo had done too my eggs? Who knew what our wild college days had done to *both* of our baby making stuff? There were any number of things that could prevent it.
So I asked her about babies. When could we start? She said one year past chemo, and at that appointment I was a year and a month past chemo. She did some calculations in her head and came back with "You really need too wait until May when you're two years past diagnosis and out of the risk of recurrance, plus you need too go see the breast cancer fertility specialist because you may need help." It was almost like she reached up and slapped me. When she left the room I cried. No, not cried, I out right bawled. That's when I knew I was ready. That's when I knew deep down inside that I wanted this, and I wanted it bad because my reaction caught me SO off guard because it wasn't what I had been presenting too the world for so long.
I went home and told my husband what she had said. I told him about the timeline and the fertility specialist. I told him how this scared me even more and made the noose tighten around my neck because I felt like she was taking precious time away from me. Hell, I was already on a seven year time limit with my ovaries, don't take seven months off of that! His response? "Honey, if you want to try to get pregnant, let's just try to get pregnant." God bless that man. He knows just what to say and when too say it. We were careful through the remainder of the year, then something inside both of us flipped and we threw caution to the wind around christmas time and just said "What will be, will be." Yet....we were both thinking this was going to take some time and possibly some intervention.
On January 14th, I took a pregnancy test right before my bartending shift, just on a whim. That was the day my period was *supposed* too show up and while I felt crampy (I had a tampon in one hand and the pregnancy test in the other), it was a *different* kind of crampy. I took the test just so I could see it immediately come up negative like all the others before, but lo and behold this time it was an immediate big fat positive! I was beyond shocked, and suddenly scared out of my mind. What had we just done?! HOW is this possible?! HOW is he going to react and how in the world am I going to make it through this shift tonight?!
I pulled my best girlfriend into the beer cooler and handed her the test because I needed another pair of eyes on it. I needed to know I wasn't just seeing things. She screamed so loud I swear the customers out in the restaurant could hear her. She grabbed me and started crying and laughing at the same time. All I could say was "Well I'm glad someone's happy about this cause I'm scared outta my mind and in shock!" *laugh*
I told my husband when I got home that night and had TWO pregnancy tests too show him. Needless too say he was shocked but he also got the goofiest grin on his face that I knew everything was going to be okay.
We see our high-risk OB for the first time Monday morning and while anything can still happen, I hope our little baby loves it's home and comes out in nine months happy and healthy to totally change our lives forever. We're never going to be more ready than now, yet we're never going to be ready. We don't know what this pregnancy or this child has in store for us, yet I wouldn't have it any other way. Am I scared to death about all the money we need to save so I can take extra time off (which of course is unpaid)? Absolutely. Am I worried we'll never have enough space, money, time, brain power, whatever, to fully cultivate and raise this little human being baking away in my belly? ABSOLUTELY. But what I do know is this...that twinkle in our eye knew it was time and has decided to grace us with it's presence and we're going to figure it out as we go along.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
HTH!
eunruh69,
What an amazing story. H&H 9 Mo!
BFP 06/25/17 | EDD 02/24/18 | DS2 02/19/18
My husband and I have been together 6 years, and long ago decided we were going to strart trying for babies after our 2nd wedding anniversary (this september). We've wanted kids for a long time, but never felt secure enough financially to do so. Recently DH started a job that can support us both, so we're pushing up that timeline by a couple of months, just giving us a long enough time for me to be on prenatals long enough, get all our doctor checkups and get teeth cleaned, etc.
Even still, every once in a while, we look at each other and say "Can you believe we're going to try to get pregnant in five months!" And we laugh with a terrified expression on both our faces. We're so excited, and we really really want kids, but it's a scary proposition nonetheless. I think it is for everyone, so I would take a deep breath and realize that this is totally normal: it's a huge change!
As far as the financials, as long as you and your partner can afford to have you off on maternity leave, I wouldn't worry too much beyond that. You really don't need to own a house, and babies are only as expensive as you let them be. You do not need thousands and thousands to spend on baby start up stuff.
Not being a kid person? Maybe you should try to spend some time with a friend's kids. Of course no one's kids will be as dear to you as your own, but it's a good barometer. If you can't stand to be around them, maybe it's time to rethink. If it makes you think of what your own little one will be like, you have your answer.
I think the fact that you posted here and trying to figure it out probably points to the fact that you want kids, because you want the best for them. Good luck with your decision!
I totally understand how you feel. With my first child I was so scared because I knew I wanted a child, but the timing never seemed right. My husband convinced me there would never be a perfect time and I think that is true, it is just hard when you are a planner. I have to admit that even though I was scared it was perfect and my son is perfect. That being said...
I stumbled upon your post because I am having the same anxiety thinking about trying for a second. How funny right. I know it will turn out fine, but it is about how much life changes. When we have baby number 2 I won't be able to work anymore because it won't make financial sense and that scares me. We are going to have to move, and that scares me. So, I think it isn't the baby but the way life will change. And, I promise it will be for the better. So, thank you for your post and making me realize what my anxiety and fear are also.
Good Luck! I promise you will become a kid person the second that baby comes into the world.
Im sure everyone has some kind of anxiety.
And you are never 100% ready - We waiting for me to get off the pill and start TTC in July on the honeymoon. Good Luck everyone