I can't do this.....
I feel awful. I feel like a fraud..... I feel like a shitty mom. I am having a really really hard time loving my baby lately......
let me preface by saying he was not planned, he was a surprise. for many years i said i never wanted to have kids, i was too selfish to have kids and my husband was also on the fence about children... (maybe someday....but not soon. we have been together 11 years). early last year i got the baby itch and we discussed TRYING next summer....my uterus had other plans and i found out in june i was pregnant. I was scared, excited... a whole host of emotions. My pregnancy was relatively easy, no morning sickness, etc. the last 2 months were hard, i had gained so much weight and my back was killing me and i was moody and hormonal. I was so looking forward to just getting my son OUT already!
labor was 17 hours and rough, with 2 epidurals. i was unable to breastfeed due to complications and that in itself was a major guilt factor for me... i wish i could have done it, but he is a formula baby and now i am okay with that. the first 2 weeks were pure hell for me... i still cant sleep during the day when he sleeps (i have tried and tried) and only sleep when he sleeps in the night (2.5 to 3 hr at a time). he isnt a particularly BAD baby....he isnt colicky.....he is VERY gassy and it causes him 2 to 3 bad crying/fussing jags a day where he is screaming... he is on special formula for gassy/fussy but the past few days he has been fussier.
I am home with the baby all day..... husband got a job the week i gave birth so he is gone all morning and afternoon....
I just wish it was 6 months from now, when the baby is on an actual schedule, and sleeping through the night. i know you shouldnt wish the time away, and everyone tells me they grow up so quickly but honestly? i just cant take it anymore..... i am tired and cry at least once a day..... and most days i wish this had never happened, i want my old life back! i honestly wished today that my husband HADNT gotten a new job (he was on unemployment) so that i would be the one to go back to work and HE would be home with the baby and get up in the night with him.... i want to hand off the mommy/wife duties to HIM. and let me tell you, i HATE my job, so for me to want to go back there.....sigh.
i only have 2 weeks left of maternity leave... and i KNOW my son will not be sleeping thru the night by then. i dont know how i am going to function on broken sleep, driving an hour to work, working 9 hours, driving an hour home, dealing with dinner and the baby and then going to bed! i will lose my mind.... i am losing my mind NOW and i DONT have to get up and go to work.
I feel like an awful mom.....i want my old life back.
Re: I can't do this.....
I DO want to go back to work of some kind.... but not my current, 40 hr a week job. I have been looking for a part time job with no success, which is another added stress factor.
My current job requires me to leave home by 6:30am and I get home at 5pm.....at 6am I have no where to take my son. My MIL and a friend who watches kids out of her home both agreed to watch the baby, but that is TOO early.....
Sounds like you'll have your hands full working that many hours. I can totally understand not wanting to leave your baby with your MIL or a friend. Just as long as you can trust them... Don't worry. Your baby will be okay!!! It'll probably feeel good to get away from the baby and having something else to focus on.
Honestly, sometimes... really early in the morning I think I'm going to pull out all my hair. As I'm starting to finally fall asleep again my baby starts crying and I just want to somewhere far away... I get up and leave the room for a minute to take a breather. Then I feel much better and love him to pieces when I get back. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by everything... My life is the same as your's right now lol. It's amazing sometimes. Then other times It's like my own personal hell... but it doesn't last very long!!!!
I have to go back to college classes on Monday... that's two days. I'm stressed out just wondering if I'll be able to handle it.
But girl, you had that child! You either gave birth or had a c-section. You can do anything!!
I'm a terrible day time sleeper too but I find it easy to doze off watching tv when dd sleeps on my chest on the weekend when dh is home to take DS. I felt like you w my first too but this time has been totally different. Any chance MIL can come over and help w the baby one day a week while dh is at work? Sorry about your daycare issues. Does dh leave for work after you? 6 am is practically the middle of the might for me but my mil is up at 5 freaking 30. I think even my mom could manage 6 but I realize it's not her baby and she doesn't have to
. I'd look into a center.
***Nestie Bestie w/ TheDeatons***
Whether we are willing to admit it or not, we have all felt this way at 1 time or another. And around the same time you are feeling it. It usually sets in after all the ohhhhs and ahhhhs have subsided and you've realized just how much life has and is going to realllllly change bc of LO. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE AND YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNNNN DO IT!! Take it 1 day at a time and dont feel like you have to be Supermom.
With my first child, you shld hv seen me. I was like a chicken w my head cut off. Ha!! Constantly running around trying to keep up w this and that. I actually was trying to wash her clothes every time she spit up! I was constantly sterilizing and house cleaning, trying to keep her together, keep myself together, and UGH! That was *14* yrs ago!! I mean she's almost an adult now. Now I realize you dont have to do all that all the time. In the beginning you dont hv to be a Supermom, you just hv to be good enough to make it thru the day, 1 day at a time.
If it gets too bad, be sure to talk to someoine.
Hang in there.... I agree it's not easy, with the sleep deprivation and my neck being pulled and migraines I've had my tearful moments. Lo also wasn't getting enough milk so we supplement now
It sounds like you could have some ppd-and I'd recommend speak g to your dr. All your Lo needs is love, food, clean diapers and warm clothes. You will get through this!
You CAN do this!
Do you have a girlfriend who can come over for an hour or two and give you a break? Sounds like you need a little "me" time - go get a mani/pedi or roam the aisles of Target. Sounds stupid but little breaks like that can make a HUGE difference.
Hang in there Mama - it will get better soon I promise.
Make a pregnancy ticker
You are not alone! DD was a planned pregnancy and several times I have been having thoughts of "wtf was I thinking?" I knew this would be hard, but I had no idea it would be THIS hard. She has been especially difficult this week and we have cried together almost every day. I have no problem admitting that I cannot wait to get past this stage.
I think going back to work (even sleep deprived) will be great for you. I am counting the days until my maternity leave is over. I am home all day with her while my husband works long hours. This SAHM thing is NOT my cup of tea.
Everyone keeps telling me that it gets better so we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that. We can both get through this!
Both of my boys were absolutely planned for and wanted desperately, but I feel the exact same way (and did with DS#1, too). I do not have "easy" babies. DS#1 was exceptionally needy, DS#2 is gassy AND needy. DS#1 didn't sleep through the night for 7 months and DS#2 only goes 4 hours AT MOST at a time (most nights, 3 hours is the longest stretch we get).
I love being a mom, and feel very blessed to have two healthy, beautiful boys. But I do not love the newborn phase. It's stressful, exhausting and not very rewarding to me.
That said, it does get easier and way more fun and is totally worth it. My three year old is SO much fun. I have known I would "dread" the first year with my second baby, but it's such a small price to pay for the fun we'll have after a while.
I'm sorry about your work situation... be aggressive about finding something new and I'm sure it will come along soon. In the mean time, just hang in there and take it one day at a time. I remember going back to work and sitting at my (quiet) desk drinking a cup of coffee, just indulging in no baby for a bit (and I only felt a little guilty!)
You can do it.
I cried everyday for the first 6 weeks of DD's life. I was overwhelmed, felt guilty about everything, thought I was the worst mother, regretted having DD. You name it.
She is now 7 months old and my best friend. She didn't start STTN until 6 months of age, but DH and I learned to deal. It gets easier and you are not alone in your feelings.
If you still feel this way in a few more weeks, you may have postpartum depression. It took me too long to speak to my doc about my PPD/PPA and I wish I had done it months ago.
even "good" babies are so much to handle, and it's so tough for FTM. you are NOT alone in your thoughts and mourning your previous life is perfectly normal, whether your planned this or not. i went through the same thing with DD1, and if it wasn't for my DH and MIL i probably would have fallen into serious depression. going back to work really helped, as difficult as it was, just to get a few hours of self. and as far as the broken sleep goes, it's really no worse than broken sleep and caring for an infant all day- you just get by. cut yourself a break and allow yourself some time to adjust to your new world and all the new expectations. it will be worth it, and i promise the good stuff is coming soon.
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Here's the ugly truth. Having a newborn is not fun. It can be rewarding, but it's not fun. It gets better. 6 months is great. And it gets better from there. Hang in there. You can do this!! work might be a really great thing. I went back at 9 weeks with DD2 (had been home 6 months with DD1) and it was much easier than being at home.
If this keeps up at 6 weeks, please go to your doc and talk about PPD.
Hang in there!