How to approach BF
BF never gives DS a bath and feeds him fast food/junk food/or anything DS wants all the time. They never have regular dinners. Every time I drop DS off BF asks DS what he wants for dinner. He is 5! He says grilled cheese every time and is going to say it every time! SO and I have been working really hard at getting DS to eat healthy and all of his dinner when he is with us and it is such a struggle to get him to eat even grilled chicken and corn but we have made a lot of progress and he is to the point that he likes healthy dinners now. Not to mention that we have a week on/off schedule so BF has DS for 7 days in a row and only gives him 1 bath! When I get DS back he is FILTHY! When I talk to DS about how his week with BF was he will tell me that he asked BF to give him a bath every day and BF didn't. Or that it was boring because he just played video games all the time and BF didn't take him outside at all. BF is unemployed right now and has nothing but time to spend with DS when he has him.
I am getting really fed up with all of this. I don't want DS to be stuck playing video games for 7 days straight, eating crap and not getting bathed. I just don't know how to approach BF without him getting defensive and lying about it all. Which I know is what he will do.
Re: How to approach BF
Yeah, unfortunately there just isn't much you can do.
One time XH brought DS home with a bloody nose/scraped up fast that had dirt and junk encrusted into it. They hadn't bathed him in a couple days. He smelled horrible.
DH was absolutely seething that they didn't at least clean up his face. So he took him upstairs and plopped him in the bath while I collected his things.
As far as food, thank god for XH's parents. If they weren't integral to his parenting time, DS would eat nothing but fast food.
I guess you can try making some gentle suggestions, but I doubt it will get you anywhere.
Talk to him about the bath, ask him how often he gives a bath b/c it is possible that he gets one more often and DS is lying.
As for food, let it go, when you broke up you lost control and will only make things harder for yourself by fighting over it. And honestly, grilled cheese is not the worst that DS can eat, you will have to focus on what he eats when he is with you.
You do the best you can do on your time.
Can you buy DS some educational toys, or toys that are made to be used outside (jump rope, hula hoop, inexpensive skates) and then send them to BF house? Just tell him that his son wanted to share them with him and you said that was fine (to avoid the defensiveness)?
Maybe start teaching DS to shower? Maybe BF thinks baths are too much effort on his part? I know a 5 year old isn't going to do a great job bathing himself, but a half-@ssed shower is better than nothing.
I know, I feed him grilled cheese every so often but I don't think he should have it every day but that is my opinion and you are right I can't tell BF what to feed him. I just wish he wouldn't let a 5 year old dictate his own diet. We drove past McDonalds last night and DS started telling me how he now has every single transformer from the happy meals daddy got him last week. I'm not saying he is lying but I'm just putting things together from what he does tell me about his time there. I do take it in general and don't ever assume that DS is recalling things 100% accurately.
The bath thing, it could be more but he is so filthy when I get him back. Plus when DS was born the hospital messed up his circumcision so it has to be kept clean or it's uncomfortable and painful. When he gets back from his dad's all he does is complain about it hurting and when we go to clean it...it's absolutely disgusting, full of dirt, lint, red and irritated etc.
I wish! DS is terrified of water in his eyes and freaks out when I mention him trying a shower. BF is coaching DS's t-ball and I had hoped he would be out with him practicing but DS said they didn't at all outside of the team practice, just played video games.
My DH is a slob. Even though he was married before and has two kids, before we started dating his apt was always a wreck and being a guy he didn't really care/have knowledge of the kids' clothes and hair. After we got married BM started complaining to me that the kids only get dirty and hurt at our house and that they are always rude and naughty after being with us. I called BS on most of what she said, because come on, they're kids! They're going to get dirty and hurt! But I did hear what she said and am now very conscious of it. We always bathe the kids the night before they return to her house, even if it was the only day we had them that week. We always inform her of when they get injured when with us. It sucks to be under her microscope, but I don't want to be known as the mom whose kids smell!
On the other side, we don't agree with how BM parents at all! Her BF's always live with her, she smokes (the kids' clothes always smell), she entertains them with TV, Wii, DS and other technology, she doesn't bring them to church... She has a 15 year old daughter from before she knew DH and the daughter is stuck watching her little siblings while BM is out with her BF. BM knows we don't agree with all that, but I have to agree with PP's in that there's really not much we can do. We just enforce our rules/morals as much as we can and hope they stick even at BM's house!
Good idea, I was thinking the same. At 5, he should be able to do this.
This. I'm sorry. I've been in your shoes and I know how much it sucks.
Use that to talk about. Try to talk to ex and just tell him that DS was. Omplaining that it hurt and ask him to let DS spend extra time soaking in the tub daily (or every other day which is honestly how often my 5yo DS gets a bath, tell him that it seems to be the only way to keep his penis uninfected and not hurting.. Then you might want to just make light that Dads know more about that type of stuff hoping that he will make a point to do a better job since he wants his sons manhood protected and now thinks you believe there is something he knows more about. Good luck.