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Holly_1007
member
those who are long distance..any input?
Holly_1007
member
I guess I should start by asking what circumstances led you all to be long distance, and also how does visitation work and how old are the children?
If you feel like giving me some input on our situation I sure would appreciate it.
DH approached me 2 days ago saying that he wants to move to south carolina. we live in new england. I'm not really sure what prompted this idea. I have joked for the past few years that I would love to move, I HATE winter, but its not feasable to us because there is a line in his CO that if he moves more than 50 miles from BM he loses all parental rights (lame, huh?) we are in the process of trying to ammend our CO, so he told me that instead of amending it to the situation we are currently in, he wants to ammend it to a long distance CO. I'm just going to list out the pro's and con's of us moving:
PROS:
-warm weather. I have seasonal depression and this would definitely help
-DH would be able to pursue a career he REALLY wants. he is currently a corrections officer but wants to be a police officer, there is zero opportunity in our town/ surrounding towns/ state for him to do this.
-The cost of living is much cheaper. we currently live paycheck to paycheck. we aren't in an AWFUL financial situation, we pay our bills every month, dont even own a credit card. but we don't have very much money for extras.
-We can sell our house and atleast break even on the mortgage
-DS is only 2 and our new baby isn't here yet, if we're going to make a move this would be an ideal time since they aren't established in school or anything
-I have a college degree in accounting, but I'm currently a SAHM. In our area there is no part time work, only full time. I haven't researched the possibility of working part time in accounting somewhere down there but it seems more promising than where we currently live.
CONS
-Moving away from all of our family and friends, INCLUDING DH's 5 yr old daughter. They never had a great relationship to start, and never really bonded when she was younger, I worry that this will strain the relationship more
-God forbid we end up in a similar finacial situation and we aren't able to pay for SD's flights for her visitation, we already know her mom won't help, we would have to pass on visitation
-I honestly worry about paying for flights to come home and visit friends and family
-Where we live now DH and I have the opportunity to work for his mom once in a while (she owns her own business, we just do clerical work and I help with her books) we won't have this opportunity long distance, and I worry about not being able to have a flexible job for some extra cash.
-DH works for the government, but since its a state job not federal he loses all his current "time-in" towards retirement. he only has 5 years but he's already over 30, having to start over sucks no matter what.
-DH would be "low guy" at work all over again- heaven forbid they go through layoffs he would be the first to go.
-I have been working towards getting my real estate license in the state that we currently live in for a little addional income, I have already put over $500 in during the past year between the class and taking the test. I have one more part to pass and then I will have my license here, they are only transferable in some states, I haven't looked to see if SC will accept my license there.
sheesh that got long, sorry! It felt good to list everything out though so if you made it that far, thanks!
at this point I have told him to fill out some applications and see where that gets him. I don't even know if we could scrape up the money for airfare/ hotel if he even got an interview.
what are all your thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: those who are long distance..any input?
I always find it bizarre when parents voluntarily move far away from their kids (unless it's a military situation). My head cannot wrap around it.
But, since he brought it up, I guess I would first want to find out WHY he wants to leave. I think listing pros and cons is always the best way to start and from your list, I would say - stay. There isn't anything overwhelmingly positive on your list of "pros". The list of cons is pretty heavy, though. See what his list shows you.
When people make a big move like that, away from all family, away from their child - there needs to be something BIG, in my opinion - something that will enrich and improve everyone's lives as a result, kwim? Your list doesn't have that. It's not even a good career move for him, it seems.
The only positive for you would be that you hate winters. I hate winters, so I understand (that's why I'm in Cali, and no longer in Iowa). But, I also moved before I had kids and I moved for a better career. You are in a different situation. Finish your license, start working for some extra cash that you can stash away little by little and go on a vaca once a year during the winter. Go somewhere warm. Work towards that.
That is my advice.
thanks so much for the input. It is weird that he would voluntarily move away from his daughter, I'm trying to figure it out. I don't want to push him into staying purely for her, but I feel like a bad SM if I don't atleast put up a little fight for her sake. We do have alot of issues with BM and I have issues with SD, so it would hopefully alleviate some of that stress if we move, but I feel like personally as a mom I could NEVER imagine being away from my child like that!
I guess I need to have HIM make up a list of pro's and con's, and wait and see if these applications even lead anywhere. I told him he would have to receive a SIGNIFICANT salary increase for me to begin to think of entertaining the idea seriously, and I don't even know if he will receive the pay that he needs.
We are long distance, DH and BM split up while he was in the military. She went back to their hometown in Michigan and he was stationed here in Virginia for a few years. We met, I'm from here and when he got out, we stayed here (jobs). Our visitation is: Odd years - 8 weeks in summer, Thanksgiving break. Even years - 5 weeks in summer, spring break and Christmas break. The girls are 9 and 10. We have been trying to move to Michigan off and on for years now (pretty much whenever DH job hunts, he looks in Michigan).
That being said, I'm not sure what advice to give you. People have to make their own decisions, only you know the intricacies of your situation etc but I can't imagine moving away from the kids on purpose. I agree with Hopanka, your pros list is not as heavy as cons. Can you not move within the northeast? South Carolina, that is so far away. I would look for jobs throughout the Northeast. You can move to help his career without going halfway down the coast and still within driving distance of his child.
thats actually great advice. I guess he figures if we're going to break the CO and move we might as well do it big and go somewhere we REALLY want to be versus settling somewhere in the middle? the cost of living up here is really so much higher than in the southern states, that could be another factor that he is considering, however I haven't really asked him why he randomly picked SC haha
I just realized I DO have some advice. Are you from the NE originally? Have you been to the south at all for a prolonged period of time? I'm from the DC area and we spent a few years in Memphis to live near DHs family and we are now back. Here are some things I had issues with that I didn't realize before we moved: Racism: I wasn't exposed to much racism growing up, maybe because my group of friends/town is really diverse but the racism was very blatent and in your face and seriously sickening. Religion: I am agnostic, I had coworkers say the most awful things to me (ex. If I have a kid, CPS should take the child away from me because I'm unfit since I'm not a Baptist and clearly I worship the devil). I was hounded 24/7 by religion, people coming to my door trying to save me, coworkers saying awful things to me, EVERYONE trying to get me to go to their church so I can be saved etc. This was my main problem with living down there. It's exhausting to defend your religious beliefs on a constant basis and it made me very resentful and angry. Food: Ethnic food barely exists. The nearest Thai restaurant was 45 minutes away and it was all frozen and reheated crap, it sucked. Up here in DC I eat Thai, Chinese, Turkish, Middle Eastern, Ethiopian, Indian etc. In Memphis it was fried or fried. The tiny places that DID exist were not good, at all (mainly Chinese buffet, it had been "southernized" as I called it).
I'm not saying that this is what South Carolina is like, or what the whole south is like at all. This is what I went through in Memphis and you need to consider that the culture is VERY different from what you are used to and honestly evaluate if you can handle it.
We're long distance, and I can tell you that DS does not understand why XH isn't here. I've explained to DS that his dad has to work, and he felt like the best work he could do is in CA. But DS really doesn't get it, and it hurts him.
As far as your pros:
1. Depending on where you are in SC, it still gets cold.
2. There has to be places closer than SC where YH can pursue the career he wants.
3. The CoL for some areas (ie, Charleston area) are still pretty high. I literally lust over moving to Mt. Pleasant, SC, but it's extremely expensive.
4--6. Again, I think you accomplish this stuff a lot closer to your SD.
Moving because you have to is one thing, and even that is hard for a child to understand. I don't think most kids could get past a parent just choosing to leave, so if YH can live with that, then go ahead.
He should check on SC's officer certification requirements. I'm from FL, and in order for officers to be certified to work there, they have to go through an academy and then take a standardized test. So they have to go 6ish months (assuming they past the test) before they start getting paid.
I live in South Carolina and I love the area. We are an hour from the mountains, a couple of hours from the coast. Also just a couple of hours from Charlotte and Atlanta which have bigger touristy things to do. I love the weather. We have 4 nice seasons.
As far as the racism curly talked about, there is some. I'm a white woman with one child from a previous relationship(he's white) married to a black man and we have two biracial children. So we really stand out.We live in a small southern town. Honestly it doesn't impact my daily life. I get some looks (which I ignore) and have had a few comments.
Religion wise this is the Bible belt. But I've never had anyone be that pushy about it. I get invited to someone's church I say thanks for inviting me and leave it at that.
But I think voluntarily moving that far away from your child is not a good idea. Especially if the relationship is already strained or not strong. I"m guessing the cost of travel is really going to strain your budget and visitation gets pushed aside.
Yes we have LCOL but we also have high unemployment so this is not the promised land. I have a hard time believing there isn't some decent work up North.
We recently moved from the PNW to the South. DH has 2 kids, 12 and 15. I can tell you that while DH knows this was the best decision for everyone, it is EXTREMELY hard on everyone. We had some pretty tough reasonings for moving though, BM and her H were threatening DH and we had to get police involved. I am disabled and had no family there, so it was very hard on DH. I held the job, but if I didn't move I was going to lose it and because of my health really needed this job. DH is my caregiver full time.
We really didn't want to move until the kids were out of high school at least, but it was something we needed to do. I don't see a need in your post that would warrant a change. This move may not seem like it will be a big deal, but his daughter will definitely react to it, and probably not in the best way. You can explain to all get out why you are moving to her, but in the end her dad left her. It is hard on kids. I would discuss with him why he wants to move. Is it because he doesn't feel close to his daughter? If that's the case, distance will probably only make it worse.
DH has sole custody of SS. We moved long distance so I could get my PhD in a needed field - which will be best for all of us in the long run. BM hadn't been involved for 2 years prior to our moving and was going through some tough times that she needed to work through (drugs, abuse, drinking, etc.). We gave our notice and moved which is all the CO called for. We've extended the invite to her to come out to us and visit (and offered to help offset the costs of travel) and we've initiated visits between BM and SS when we go home. We also plan on moving closer to where she is so eventually, when she's ready, she'll be able to have a relationship with SS if that's what she wants.
If the tables were turned, there is no way we would ever move away from SS. DH wouldn't have it and I wouldn't let him do it. I didn't live near my dad because he moved away. I disrespect him for it. Eventually, the visits were too hard to plan and he didn't want to pay for them (he had PLENTY of money). When the visits slowed, so did the calls. The calls eventually stopped and after a little bit, so did the birthday cards. I've talked to him twice in the past 12 years.
Disclaimer: Not a long distance SP.
1. I agree with everything Curly said. I grew up in the Midwest and had the same exact experience when I lived in GA. There are also a lot of things that I love about the south but nothing out weighted the cons for me.
2. SD is 5. You say that you guys don't have a close bond and there may be some BM issues but she is only 5. A 5 little girls think their mom is the sun, moon, and the stars. As they get older they start to get a brain of their own. They still think their mom is the sun but they have room for their own thoughts and feeling. Stay and keep working on the bond. It is so worth it in the long run. You will also be taking your children away from there sibling and the relationship won't be as close if you move.
sorry I didn't get a chance to respond to you all. ultimately I cannot force DH to stay here for his daughter, if he is okay with leaving her there is nothing I can really say to that, except listing out the reasons I think its a bad idea. I'm tempted to show him this thread but I don't want him to get mad about me posting about it.
you all brought up very valid opinions and things for me to consider, and hopefully to try to make him understand. I wonder if I should just suck it up and say that I don't want to go (even though I really do) so that we don't leave his daughter.
It really bugs me that he would 'abandon' (I use this word very loosely) his daughter like this. yes the relationship is strained but the only reason it has even been getting better is because I'm shoving it in the right direction as hard as possible, this isn't my responsibility!
and thank you for bringing up the cultural aspects of living down south, I have never even been to the state of south carolina, so know nothing of what to expect down there!
I always find it bizarre when parents voluntarily move far away from their kids (unless it's a military situation). My head cannot wrap around it.
This !! I couldnt even imagine my DH moving away from his son. In fact, when we were moving from our old house to a new one, one of the things we considered was the time it would take to pick up/drop off. It could be no longer than a 20 minute drive. We didnt want SS having to spend too much time in a car going back and forth.
I moved to the east coast from Colorado with BF and then we had DS. I want nothing more than to move back where I have family and friends because I have ZERO family here but I just A.) Can't bring myself to try to take DS away from BF for that long of periods and B.) Am completely uncomfortable giving up entire summers with DS. DS is also 5 and I just think the long periods of time between seeing each parent is too much for him. In my mind it will be more doable when he is a teen but even then I may just wait till he is out of school to move home.
From your list of pros I just don't see anything that warrants moving away from a child. If your DH is serious enough about wanting to be a police officer I'm sure he would eventually find an opening in your state even if it takes a few years. Employment changes, openings change, life changes. The grass isn't always greener. You can make life what you want of it where you are and where the kids are. As someone else said, COL is something you REALLY need to look into. It may be more expensive in the NE but the average salary here is much higher as well. If an area is cheap it is usually because the salaries being paid out there are low so you will most likely be in the exact same financial position you are in now.
I would remind your DH that just because his relationship with his daughter right now might not be all that close, that doesn't mean it has to be that way forever. As she gets a little older she may likely start activities. You and your DH will miss out on softball games,soccer games, dance recitals, etc. A lot of milestones will come and go that will be missed due to the distance. Being a long distant parent is hard emotionally and financially.
Don't get me wrong, it can work.My DH and I do driving marathons to pick up the kids (because air fare for DH to go up to pick them up, come back with them for the longer visitations, and then back to drop them off and then back home for DH is just plain out of the question cost wise.) We use Skype and regular phone calls, along with mailing cards and small trinkets from time to time in between visits.
A major factor to consider, in my opinion, would also be the relationship your DH has with BM. If it is strained or ugly at all, I would highly warn against becoming a long distant parent.
One last thing. As someone who is very familiar with SC, and has family there. It is a wonderful place to live. I don't know where in the NE you would be coming from but I've lived in Philly and Pitt and I can tell you, I saw more racisim there than I have in SC. EVERY place has racisim it is not exclusive to the south by any means. I can tell you the coast (Charleston) is much more diverse than the Upstate. The Upstate is quite the Bible Belt. Yes Charleston is known as the Holy City but you don't quite have the "in your face" religious people like I've seen and experienced in the Upstate. Many of my friends and family friends in SC are from the NE. I would strongly advise you and your DH to take a trip to SC and form your own opinions. Also if you want to PM me I have contacts in the Columbia area in law enforcement and could certainly help answer any questions you may have about those type of job opportunities.
Good Luck in whatever you and your DH decide.
When my XH and I separated, he immediately moved from CA to TN. Our kids were 6 and 2 at the time. It was a selfish move on his part, meaning he didn't have a job that was transferring him or any "real" reason to move. It's been nearly 7 years, and the kids are still hurting because of it.
They only see him once, sometimes twice a year, for 2 weeks at a time. He's not at all involved in their life quite truthfully. Their father has never been to a single football game, cheerleading competition, gymnastics class, band performance, etc. He hasn't attended a single Parent/Teacher Conference, Open House, Back to School Night... And they notice. My kids see my husband go to every event of K's, and he comes to all of their activities as well, and it leads to a lot of questions on their part. My son (who's almost 13 now) has completely written off his father and wants nothing to do with him. My daughter (who's nearly 9) frequently asks why Daddy didn't love them enough to stay. It's heartbreaking because there is nothing I can do to help them.
Granted, there are a lot of things my XH has done wrong. He doesn't call to talk with them on a regular basis, doesn't send cards or letters, etc. I've had the kids call him and send him letters, but those letters go unanswered and the phone calls last only a few minutes. He refuses to come out here to exercise more time with the kids, even though I've extended an open offer to him. These are things the kids have picked up on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: if your husband has to move, then obviously you need to move. But hopefully he'll stay as involved as possible with phone calls, cards, letters, and frequent visits. His daughter is only 5, and she really needs her Daddy even if it's only EOW, or whatever the current visitation schedule is. And you both need to be prepared for the questions that come along with it. As I previously said, even after 7 years my children are still hurting and feel abandoned. Also, you both need to be prepared for whatever story BM might want to tell SD about why Daddy moved. And if BM doesn't seem like the type who will be open to allowing SD to have frequent phone calls with your husband, that's going to lead to hurt feelings as well. Moving away from a child is a really difficult decision to make.
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I would say it's wrong to move. How can he want to move so far from his daughter? Isn't is hard enough not being able to live with her all the time? TO move when he fully knows this might mean losing a relationship with her is plain wrong.
I am long distance but my ex has nothing to do with his kids and never has, his own choice. I never understood that decision. (he has also never paid for them in any manner) How can any pro outweigh the con of being far away from his daughter??
I feel horrible for having to work full time to care for my kids because that takes me out of the home and I feel so much guilt for missing out on things while at work. I could not imagine missing even more because I wanted to move. EDIT My ex was a 10 min drive from us and moved several provinces away)
I live in Greenville - so it's larger than most of our state. Racism exists everywhere, but I've noticed it's mainly a black/white issue here. I know when I lived outside of Detroit, it was a black/white/enter country of origin issue.
This past winter it maybe got down to 20 degrees overnight once. For the most part, it was fairly mild. Just watch out for the random blizzard in April - you won't be able to drive or buy eggs, milk & bread for a week!
I'm agnostic, but my parents are baptist, and inlaws are VERY conservative southern baptist. We just tell them to mind their own business, and they typically do.
I ate Thai food a few days ago
But there are some really backwoods places here. Like, you see cotton fields and can almost hear the banjos in the background.
My DH and I have talked about moving to Charleston, just 3.5 hours away. But we just can't do it and leave his SD here.
My husband and his ex-wife divorced in 2009. They were living in California, where he'd been stationed in the Navy. Although they were both originally from Maryland, his mother had remarried and relocated to Oregon, and so DH decided long before the divorce was even filed that when he got out of the military that he would be moving to Oregon to be nearer to her and his sister. He offered XW alimony or more child support if she agreed to move to Oregon as well, and she declined. So, DH moved to Oregon and his son stayed in California.
DH says it was the hardest decision he made, and one that he regrets in many ways. He misses his son, daily. He expected that at some point his son would choose to live with him up here, and that hasn't happened yet. He said once that if he'd known how it would have all played out, he would have stayed in California rather than move up here.
We get SS twice a year: all summer long and during Christmas break. The advantage of this schedule is that SS gets into a routine in our household, and it's not terribly disruptive to his school schedule. He is here for long enough periods of time that we are able to enroll him in sports and music lessons and other activities, and he has made friends in our neighborhood. SS is 12, almost 13, and we fly him back and forth between California and Oregon. He has flown as an unaccompanied minor for most of his flights, and it works well since we can get direct flights with only layovers. It won't work if plane changes are necessary. The disadvantages are obvious: we miss his birthday, Thanksgiving, Easter, spring break, and the daily routine of being a family together. We miss HIM.
DH and I have long wondered whether SS feels any resentment toward him over the divorce and move to Oregon. SS has been seeing a therapist recently, and not long ago had a joint session with his mother. He told the therapist, and XW relayed this to DH, that SS blames XW for the divorce and for choosing not to move to Oregon, and he's angry at her for it. That really surprised me. BUT - SS does well in our house. He has a good relationship with both of us, and we work really hard to make sure he has the normal kid experiences I mentioned above. He has chores and gets an allowance. When he is with his mother in California, he does not play sports, doesn't spend time with friends outside of school, isn't enrolled in music lessons - he spends all of his free time at home playing video games and babysitting his little sister.
Honestly, I think the reason DH's arrangement has worked is that SS was older at the time of the divorce, that they have managed to maintain a relationship despite the distance (lots of online computer/video games where they talk over a headset), have regular telephone calls, that the visits are so long, and that he and SS were already pretty close. Also, DH's history of long deployments while in the Navy probably made it seem more "normal" to be separated.
Still, moving away from one's child isn't a decision to take lightly, and even though it's largely worked for DH, I don't think he'd necessarily make the same choice again, nor would he advise another father to not seriously think such a decision through.
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