can she seriously do this?!? I'm so pissed!! (long...)
Holly_1007
member
recap: BM and DH have joint legal custody, he has visitation EOWE. Their CO mostly says that DH and BM will mutually agree on vacations, holidays etc. which pretty much translated to BM dictating whatever she wanted and us having little option but to go with it. In Oct '11 DH filed paperwork to bring BM back to court for more clarification of the CO and to have it put into writing his additional time he would like with SD.
BM and DH had mediation with their attorneys in december. BM's attorney threw DH and his attorney out because they were 'asking for too much'. our attorney drafted up a list of what we wanted, with a statement that either BM agreed or we go to court, he wasn't willing to negotiate. (fwiw he wasn't really asking for much in addition to what we have, just nailing down dates and times for holidays and vacations) BM responded with her list of what was 'acceptable': even LESS than we currently have.
BM flipped a nutty and revoked any additional visitation outside EOWE (despite the CO saying we can request additional time with 'reasonable advance notice')
We also had an issue that we thought DH was forgetting things that BM would tell him at pick up, so we resorted to e-mail communication. turns out BM was saying one thing one week and changing it the next. we caught her in these manipulations through e-mail so she again flipped out and had her attorney send us a letter saying she would no longer communicate with us unless through attorneys.
BS, and expensive but whatever, we're already going back to court to try to fix these issues, we will play along (at $250 an hour). As soon as we received this letter we drafted up a letter to send to our attorney which addressed easter, spring break, summer vacation and SD's birthday. hoping that we would be in court by the time the rest of the holidays/issues came about. We had also mentioned these dates in e-mail to BM before she had the attorney send us a letter.
so our attorney sent her attorney a letter requesting these things, almost 8 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago we still hadnt heard back so our attorney started getting on her attorneys back about it. well today we finally got a response. Instead of addressing the upcoming dates that we sent her a letter about the attorney said something along the lines of "My client would prefer not to adress each issue as it arises and would rather address all concerns for every year/holiday." Thats it.
ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS??!!??! she requested no communication between herself and DH, only through attorneys, and now she won't even respond through attorneys!!! Easter is in like 10 days. It's BM's weekend. I have NO idea if we are even getting SD at some point on easter or not. The current CO says the parents will split time equally on easter, in our letter we had asked to pick SD up at 1:30 (she is awake from 7am-7pm so 1:30 is half the day) so do we just show up at BM's house at 1:30 next sunday? She will most likely go to her moms house so then what. show up with the cops and a copy of the CO?
I seriously hate being the bigger person. do I really want to get cops involved? and have SD watch the police deal with BM and DH? no. she does NOT need to be subjected to this. so do we just forfeit Easter and file contempt?
I told DH when he goes to pick up SD tomorrow to put her in the car, look at BM and say FYI I will be here 1:30 on easter sunday to pick up SD, so make sure she's here. We both know she's going to throw a temper tantrum, which SD doesn't need to see either.
Stupid pregnancy hormones, I've been crying all afternoon about this. BM isn't even fighting us because she wants the time with SD, most of the time SD is at BM's house she is at school or with BM's husband. BM just wants to make DH miserable, intentionally not give him what he wants and she wants more money.
Sorry this got so long, I've had to stop my therapy so that we can give every penny to our attorney so if you made it this far and would like to give any insight or advice I would greatly appreciate it. If not, atleast I feel a little better venting it out.
Re: can she seriously do this?!? I'm so pissed!! (long...)
Document, document, document every time you get a non-response from BM, every time you/H are denied visitation. Send copies to your lawyer for the upcoming hearing to revise the CO.
Let your lawyer handle the legal aspect, but given that BM won't agree to anything, mediation is a waste of time. Pay the money and go back to court.
Sorry you are going through this. BUT...one one hand seeing the police may be upsetting to your SD, but on the OTHER HAND, your SD will also see that her dad is FIGHTING to spend time with her, so that's not such a bad lesson for her to observe!
You don't want SD to grow up to be someone who just rolls over for BM (or anyone else) "because it is easier and less drama...."
Oh we're documenting alright. I have a 3 ring binder going. DH, and our attorney is convinced a judge is gonna throw the book at BM for all her contempt (we've been nice and haven't filed when she violates the agreement) but I've documented it ALL and we are just SO done. honestly, what is wrong with splitting easter equally between the parents? we're not asking to bring her to the damn moon! I cannot figure out what this woman thinks she is accomplishing by trying to keep SD from us. It is SO frustrating.
We will see how it goes tomorrow with DH confronting BM. She's probably going to start cursing and yelling and then tell him she's calling her lawyer. *sigh*
I don't even think a judge will read all my documentation, but I'm doing it anyway. I want to just skip easter this year and file contempt on BM but in order to do so I *think* we need to atleast show up and ask for SD and have BM say 'you can't have her' due to the weird wording of our agreement.
I don't want him to have to confront her either, she's like a hormonal teenager when she gets mad. I told him to speak his peice (or 1 liner in this case) and then just get in the car and leave.
Exh and I have issues, but we do alternate holidays right now. I have physical custody. I don't get time with my dc on every holiday- we split them, because it is alternating. For example, on exh's christmas, dc goes over there on christmas eve at bedtime- he gets christmas. I don't. I don't see how your BM would get time on every holiday once you work out a specific alternating schedule.
This stood out to me in your post- remember that its not about what is fair to you or your bio kid, it should be about what is most fair to your sd. That's my opinion at least. I think that alternating holidays is most fair to stepkids because what kid really wants to leave their presents on christmas day? Or leave a family gathering that is in full swing? Not all blended families can work it out (I too am struggling with it right now), but I think it is the most fair to the child.
thanks for the insight, I definitely see where your going. BM proposed a somewhat alternating schedule in her response after mediation, but the way she WANTS to do it is that like we would alternate say easter, EOY we would get SD from 10-4 on easter, so she gets SD in the am and PM on 'our' year. and then on the alternate years she gets SD from 10-4. so if its BM's weekend, we don't see SD at all on that easter. if it is our weekend we get SD from when she wakes up until 10, its hardly 'alternating' and highly favors BM (as is our entire current agreement)
Yeah I totally get that it sucks to leave a holiday party halfway through, neither of us have really big families and everyone is aware of our situation with SD, we just attend around our schedules. I think it is less fair (IMO) to not see SD on a certain holiday just because its not our year. SD is a part of our family and we want to spend atleast some time with her on every holiday. we only live 1/2 hour from BM so its not like she would spend hours in the car every holiday.
OP, with that detail, I think that the way your BM is trying to structure the 'alternating' holidays is absurd and I am sure that any judge would agree. When I think about alternating, this is what I mean:
ITA with you piffle. I do get sad on christmas when I don't have dc, but we have a christmas eve tradition that we do on those years that is just as special to us. It stinks that dc does not always get to go see our family on christmas day, but dc is seeing exh's family instead, which is fair to dc. I still think that alternating is better for the kids, and I just have to suck it up if I feel sad and miss dc.
But if you don't agree, just have a very specific holiday schedule added into the CO. Just try to think in advance about the driving, logistics, etc, because if you go this way you will be stuck with the exact times moving forward.
I wouldn't agree to that either. I think the standard TX agreement has alternating holidays, and if a holiday falls on the "other" parent's weekend, the holiday schedule takes precedence over the EOW. Like the NCP could get the child for 3 weekends in a row if that is how the EOW/holidays fall.
I agree though that alternating holidays is better for kids than splitting the days. Yes, you will not see her on some holidays, but neither will BM. It is what is best for your SD, not you. Such is life in a blended family.
yeah she is a peice of work.
if we can get alternating to work in a way that is actually fair to us. (i.e we miss out on some holidays with SD but BM actually misses out on some as well) it might make it a little easier, but at the same time SD enjoys spending holidays with BM and holidays with us. In our case atleast it is in SD's better interest to split holidays (atleast the major ones) and alternate some of the smaller ones, again only if they are fair and in SD's best interests.
I need to do some research on what is "standard practice" around here, but at the rate BM is trying to go we would much rather split the holidays than go by her insane version of 'alternating'.
I know we have to look out for SD's best interests, but we are SD's family as well, thats what frustrates me. she should be able to spend some time with all the members of her family on holidays, even the small ones like easter!
As a BM myself, it hurts me that DS and SD will most likely never get a christmas morning together (BM would rather die than give us xmas mornings, we already know its off the table as far as negotiations go)
yeah part of me is like well if BM isn't gonna suffer without SD then why should we, but on the same respect, this is SD's brother, she deserves to spend time with him just as she would spend time with BM's other daughter ya know?
ugh and now I'm rambling, thank you for your insight anyway
Christmas mornings should not be off the table for this negotiation, and don't let her tell you they are! I think you might want to consider starting from scratch if you are going back to court anyway and write up something that seems totally fair, and then see what she comes back with. Don't leave christmas mornings out- she should not have exclusive rights to them.
I can totally relate- I am currently pregnant with dc's stepsister, and I hate the thought that a time is going to come when I don't have both of them together for Christmas morning. I can't imagine never being able to have them together- that is truly not fair and don't let her bully you into giving it up.