What do you do if your 4 - 6 year old refuses to go to bed?
My 4 and 6 year olds used to be really good at going to bed (STTN is another issue entirely!), but in the last month or so they have gotten really bold at refusing to go to bed and I'm looking for ideas of what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. I'll upfront say I don't (and won't) spank my kids - not that I haven't been tempted - OMG they are driving me nuts. When I say they aren't going to bed, I mean they are running around upstairs, screaming, laughing, playing in the shower (oh that treat was tonight) and coming up and down the stairs to talk to us. They went through a similar stage a year ago, so we moved their bedtime from 7:00 to 8:00 and that that made a world of difference. But, DS has to get up at 6:00 am for school, and DD is getting so little sleep as it is with her middle-of-the-night wakings that I don't want to push back their bedtimes any later. I first tried taking away favorite toys and not allowing them to watch TV, then I took a parenting class which focused on logical and natural consequences. So in that vein I now do the following:
1) ask them why they aren't in bed & try to figure out a solution which will get them back in bed (but only one time - if they ask for another cup of water or potty time, I move on to #2)
and when that doesn't work
2) tell them to go back to bed or they will be tired in the morning;
and when that doesn't work
3) tell them that they will have to go to bed 30 minutes earlier the next night because they are not getting enough sleep tonight (which I do follow-through with, but turns out to be that I really end up negotiating with them for an additional 30 minutes the next night)
and when that doesn't work
4) tell them that I understand they are not tired and if they want they can stay up as late as they like, but they have to be quiet in their room
and when that doesn't work I'm at a freaking loss as to what to do next. Tonight I lost my cool (them playing in the shower sent me over the edge) and told them if they got out of bed again they would have no TV for a week (which I have enforced before) and would have to go to bed 2 HOURS earlier tomorrow. Totally irrational, I know, but it was either that or scream my head off, which I know accomplishes nothing.
So, someone please tell me what to do next.
Re: What do you do if your 4 - 6 year old refuses to go to bed?
I think the stalling (water, potty trips) is pretty universal. So, personally I let that slide. If you say you need to go potty, you had better produce something. A drink of water is ok...one time only.
I would not try to reason with your kids. I'd skip to #4 after the stalls. Warn them sternly that if they get out of bed there will be consequences. Don't give them details.
If they get out of bed, march them back immediately (each parent take a kid if necessary) put them in bed and shut the door. Stand by the door. If they open the door, march them back to bed and shut the door again.
Do it all night if need be. Bedtime is non-negotiable IMO. Kids need sleep, mom and dad need peace and rest.
I can tell you as a kid my parents gave us a 30 minute 'lights on' window after bedtime when we were permitted to read/play whatever (quietly) in our rooms after bedtime. Something like that might be helpful too.
Are they in the same room? I can't tell from the post. My older 2 cannot go to bed at a decent time if they are in the same room--seperating them is key. Of course, it isn't always that easy if that's your set up. I do allow them to stay together on Friday night--its my lazy night (no bath, watch TV while you go to bed... whatever works..)
The rule in our house is simple--your arse is in your room after 8pm--you can do whatever you like quietly-color, legos, read, etc (i believe you can't force a kid to go sleep), and I understand if my 4 year old napped--he's not all that tired @ 8pm (but DD is and frankly, I'd done at 8
. His daycare still makes him nap. Does you 4 year old nap? Can you cut that out if so?
I usually give a warning but I have spanked in the past esp if you wake your baby brother...our issues is getting them to stay in their room (after they go to bed in their room) and not come to mine...
Yes, they share a room. They've been sharing for 2.5 years. When I try to separate them DD has a meltdown because she says she's scared to be alone.
DD (the 4 year old) does not nap during the day.
We do time outs. I will bring a chair into DS's room if I have to. I usually allow one episode -- whether it's whining for water, another trip to the bathroom, or just complaining, and then I say he'll get a timeout if he doens't go to sleep.
FWIW, he's allowed to read with a flashlight in his room until he falls asleep. Allowing this helped dramatically. I think sometimes he brings his cars into his bed to play, but as long as he is being quiet and eventually goes to sleep, I don't care.
DS doesn't care if he'll be tired in the morning. Doesn't care if he needs his energy. Doesn't care if I need MY energy. He's just not that practical yet, and I'm not negotiating at bed time -- I'm too damn exhausted. I can be very irrational too when I'm tired, so I feel for you. That's why I go straight to timeouts -- usually after that, he goes right to bed.
I'd buy them each cool flashlights and tell them they can play with them in bed but ONLY if they stay in bed. If they get out of bed, the flashlights go away. This worked for a short time with my DS. I think staying calm and marching them back to bed each time, not talking to them, not even looking at them, will eventually work (I know, easier said than done!) I always remind myself of the SuperNanny episodes where she advises this. The kids are usually getting out of bed because it's fun and exciting, and mom get's all worked up- so I try to make it as mundane as possible.
can you stagger their bedtimes?
I threaten to take away some privilege. For waking his sister with a tantrum I have threatened to take down his solar system. I did actually take away the sun one time and he had to earn it back over 3 nights.
It made me chuckle a little bit that you took the sun away. I know what you meant, but it just sounds sort of funny.
OP, I would say to just march them back in there rooms without saying a word. It might take a couple nights but once they realize you are serious, it might get better. I really don't have any advice other than that.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I'm off to buy flashlights! Love that idea, but pretty nervous that they will end up just playing with each other and making a ruckus or staring into it - which I've been trying to stop them from doing for the 5 years until I stopped letting them play with flashlights - maybe they are ready for them now and can play without burning their eyes out.
Also, I'm going to try just walking them back to their room and closing the door each time - I did this for weeks last year and it didn't work, but maybe it will now.
Having a game plan (even if it is walking them back to their room all night long) helps me, so thanks again!
Honestly, I just don't fight it. Ds, now 7, went through that phase and he's outgrown it. When it's time for bed he crashes hard and fast. Now that dd is 4 she's doing the same thing and I just figure it's something she'll outgrow as well.
So, if she really doesn't want to go to bed, I offer to let her snuggle with me on the couch instead. I put something on TV that she'll find boring (home improvement shows, political debates, etc.) and cuddle. Nine times out of ten she's asleep within 15 minutes and I can easily carry her back to bed.
OMG, this is totally my style, but I fear that it will go on forever. It won't right??
Shrug. All kids are different, of course, but my older ds used to HATE going to bed and wouldn't sleep alone, period. He outgrew it so I just assume that dd will hopefully be the same way.
And FWIW, my ds? We tell him it's time for bed, he crawls under the blankets and I'm not kidding: he's usually asleep within 90 seconds! So yeah, it certainly didn't go on forever with him, thank goodness.
You've gotten some good suggestions. What has worked for my DS (5y9m) is telling him he doesn't have to go to sleep. He just needs to be in his bed, and if he wants to read quietly, then so be it. As soon as he is out of bed or making noise, the books go away and it's an immediate loss of a privilege, which is usually TV while I make dinner the next evening (sucks for me though).
9 times out of 10, he's asleep within 10 mn of reading. If he's not asleep in those 10 mn, he usually ends up resting quietly. I think it's just sometimes hard for him to wind down.
Kaden William 11/4/06 and Dawson Michael 6/30/10
Dawson's first birthday - at the zoo
The problem we would have here is that when my DS is tired he BOUNCES off the walls. Is very 'silly' and kind of throws himself around etc. It would just be a bad scene.