Baby's Last Name.....?
JJbird86
member
I've posted on here a couple of times...but in case you ladies don't remember...
I am due to have my first baby April 20. Her dad and I dated for little over a month before I found out I was pregnant...while we are both very excited about her upcoming arrival, we are on different pages about our relationship as a couple. As it stands now, we don't see much of eachother. I'm still working like a dog (I'm a chef) and he is a college student trying to succeed with his studies. He has long term aspirations of us getting married, having a white picket fence and a sweet little family, etc...and I'm on the other side of the fence. I don't aspire to marry hiim, nor do I really care to move in with him (we still live separately, against his wishes). I don't feel in my heart like there is a future for us as a couple, but I have been holding out hoping that I will have a change of heart once the baby arrives, like I'll magically appreciate him or fall in love with him or something equally unlikely.
So here's my question...When we were deciding on her name, I agreed against my best wishes to give her his last name. He said it was more "stable" that way (doesn't make sense, I know). I didn't really want to at the time, but I sort of rolled over and allowed it. So as it stands, her name will go "Emily (my last name)(his last name).
Now I'm having my doubts about this. I know that having his last name realistically means nothing in terms of child support, custody, etc. But I WILL be the primary caregiver, she will live with me, and I feel like it is becoming increasingly important to me for my daughter to have the same last name as me. The issue is that he feels the same.
Any advice on what I should do?
Re: Baby's Last Name.....?
This is a common and personal decision. I was pressured into making DDs name her father's by the court. They told me it would be "easier" for her. Actually, it wasn't. At day care, she was Jordanne D. She hated it. At school, she is Jordanne S. I never officially changed it, and she has decided she will keep mine.
With this baby, I decided from the get go he would have my last name. This has caused a LOT of issues between his father and me. Straight down to the illogical logic of, "Since you don't want him to have my last name, you f**ked around on me, and I want a DNA test and then I'm taking him from you" But, he's somewhat...nuts. This is YOUR decision. NOT his. Bottom line. YOU alone get to make this choice.
You can always do Emily Marie (His) (Yours), too. I'm just refusing. I don't want his last name anywhere IN there at all.
Yah...the only thing keeping me from saying that I want her to have my last name is the fact that I don't want to deal with the inevitable drama of it.
Maybe I'll just write it that way on the birth certificate and he can deal.
I posted a similar question during my pregnancy. The father and I were 'together' but I knew deep down that I didn't see myself with him forever...
I got the standard answers that you will most likely see as a response to this post.
That being said...All I can do is speak on personal experience
My daughter is not even a month old and I can tell you that I 100000% REGRET not giving her my last name. Truth be told, I didn't have the balls. Her father had said things like 'he wouldn't feel like she was his daughter' if she didn't have his name. I knew I wouldn't ever be able to say or think that about her, so I caved. It was especially hard when the people that do the birth certificate came to the room and he was sitting right there just watching and waiting. (For the record, I should've known better then. I had just cared for her 100% on my own the entire first night without ANY assistance. The baby cried, I nursed her, changed her, held her...couldn't even get up to use the restroom without the nurse...he slept)
I gave her his last name. Every insurance call I've made, every pediatrician appointment I've set up, anything I've done that is for her, every time they say 'last name?' I have to say 'hers or mine?'. It's not fun. I even had to write a statement to my insurance carrier that explained that we had different last names because her father and I were unmarried just so I could add her -- because our last names were different.
I did not think I would have any of these issues until she was in school. I was wrong. She is with me and cared for and supported by me 99% of the time...but she has his name.
I would give her your own...
Thank you ladies...
My family agrees and is pushing me to do the same. I'm grateful there is this message board, because without it I would have no one else who had been through something similar to talk about these things with.
I'm on the same page as you. Early on I agreed that my LO will have the father's last name because he was always saying how he didn't feel like he was apart of the pregnancy (which I haven't kept him away from anything) and how the father has no right and this and that. I'm a FTM and all of this is so new to me and it's especially confusing being a single FTM. But the more I think about it the more I'm realizing it would be so much more beneficial and just make sense for my LO to have my last name considering she will be with me majority of the time. I've made my mind about it already. Now it's just a matter of when and how to tell the father.
My brother's girlfriend has a child from a previous relationship. They had a name picked out and she was going to use the father's last name. When she filled out the birth certificate she changed the name completely and put down her last name. To each their own, but I don't think I could do that. I find it rude. Especially if you are on good terms with the father. IMO, this isn't the time to beat around the bush or play games.
Good luck with everything!
BEAN *06/29/2012*
Good luck with your talk! I'm sort of running out of time, so I guess I have to grow a pair and have the conversation sooner rather than later, which is probably going to be shortly followed by the "I think we should just parent and not be in a romantic relationship" talk, then followed by "visitation scheduling". I hate domino affect conversations!
Thanks!
And I had that dreaded we-can-have-a-civil-relationship-but-not-a-romantic-relationship talk a couple weeks ago. I figured it would just get harder the closer it came to LO being born. But you're right, it is a domino effect. You have to get certain things out of the way before you can bring up other things. And I started talking about all this stuff now with him so I could give him a couple weeks in-between talks to recover and calm down. (He is the most sensitive person. More sensitive than my pregnant hormonal self!)
I hope everything goes as smooth as possible with your talks! Just remember, what you're doing is for your child so don't feel bad about not sparing feelings. Moms gotta do what we gotta do for our children!!
BEAN *06/29/2012*
I regret giving my son my ex's name. At the time he was born I thought we would stay together. Even though we got engaged he broke up with me when my son was a year and a half old.
If you aren't planning to marry this man DON'T give your child his last name. Since you are not married he has no rights to your child until legal paperwork is filed.
WHEN you two break up most likely your child will spend the majority of the time with you. Like the previous poster said you will be the one in charge of enrolling her in school, doctors appointment, etc. It will just make life easier on you if you and your child have the same name.
If you're not together or seriously planning on getting married, give it your last name.
My (for now) DB and I decided to double up our last names until we get married, this way the baby will have both of our last names. It seemed like the most reasonable thing to do.