Long vent.. issues w/ my mother. Need some advice. TIA
These issues have been going on for my entire life, meaning since I was born and still current. This is the first time i've asked for help and am feeling vunerable about it so please be gentle in your advice.
My mother has issues and always has had issues. I cant figure out how to handle communicating with her without getting irritated. I?m very laidback and she is so highstrung. I love going with the flow and she worries about all of the ?what ifs? and planning every single detail. She always has been a pessimist and I?ve worked hard to have an optimistic outlook because I believe it?s important to have faith and trust that everything will work out in the end, It always has for me and I?ve gone through some pretty cruddy situations. I want to have a good relationship with her. She asks very invading questions and does not believe that I need any privacy. She feels like an unhealthy person and my instincts tell me to avoid her but I mean, shes my mother! I want to stay involved with her and especially now that DH and I are having a child I want her to be able to be involved. I have a theory that she is the way she is because she had a bad childhood and has never come to terms with it or moved on (since she still tells stories of how her childhood wasn?t pleasant.) Now that I am becoming a mother I want to make sure that I get over MY issues with my parents (yes there are issues with dad too but I will save that for another time). I don?t want my children to learn that life is defeating that dwelling on the past and worrying and complaining constantly is the norm. (That?s how I was raised.) This long paragraph barely touches on all of the baggage I have from my parents. I hope this all makes sense. I?m kind of fuming right now. I hate long vents but I need some help. DH agrees that they are unhealthy and I need help to work through this, we just don?t know what exactly needs to be done. Should I see a therapist to try and work through it all?
Re: Long vent.. issues w/ my mother. Need some advice. TIA
Im lurking around from 2nd tri....
I think its good that you realize that you have to let go of the past in order to provide a good future for your baby. I have had to let an old friend out of my life during this pregnancy because she was really bringing me down and I just dont want that in my life with a baby coming. it sucked, but as you can see unhealthy people can really be a drain. you seem to be very in touch with your feelings and what you need, thats great! I would set very clear boundaries with your mom... dont be afraid to keep distance if you need to. it sucks because its your mom, but you have a baby on the way and you have to do whats best for your family. if you feel the need to see a therapist it cant hurt. just keep moving forward. the people i know who cling to the past are never happy and full of excuses as to why they can get ahead
Think of it this way. Your parents are negative people but it sounds like you came out of it OK.
I think you either have to accept who they are but limit their exposure or cut them out and not deal at all.
By accepting the people they are you wont waste your energy taking them personally and can protect yourself emotionally. If you think you can change them its going to be a long hard relationship. If you cut them out, think of all the wonderful things your child will miss. Parents who can drive you up the wall can shock you and be totally different with the grandchild. They will LOVE that child and I suggest you foster that relationship and make sure its a great one for your child. It will change how you see your parents and perhaps could be the beginning of understanding or you being able to let some of your issues with them start to heal.
Good luck
You can't create a relationship, nor can you really make decisions in reference to her, based on "but she's my mom". Or based on what you think a relationship w your mom is "supposed to be".
You know who she is. Start working with reality. Maybe she'll end up being a great grandmother, but if she doesn't and if she's exactly who she is, then you need to deal w and face that and start creating a relationship w your child that YOU can deal with. She may not be the kind of grandmother you want her to be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think we have the same mother! I am still working through these issues with my mom and as soon as anything leaves her mouth, I can feel myself already bracing myself for what is going to come. I do live a couple of hours away from my parents, so I see them every month or so, which isn't TOO bad. But after I had the kids, I tried to open up to her and have more of a friendship type relationship. I pretty much had to go back to keeping her distant after that. I think she herself has anxiety issues that she is in denial about and will not go to therapy or get treated for. So there is only so much I can work with.
In terms of the kids, I try to be hands off when it comes to their relationship, but when I hear or see something that bothers me, I let her know right away not to do/say that. I really have to set my boundaries even if it means we'll never have that chummy relationship. The kids love her and they haven't seemed to pick up on her negativity yet. It helps too that my sister agrees with me on how my mom is so I can vent to her and vice versus.
This. Exactly. Neither my sister nor I have a very good relationship with our mother. We both worried about how our mother parented us would impact our kids - and then we realized that our kids will be raised the way we and our husbands want them raised. When our mother starts her crazy talk in front of the kids we try to cut her short, without being confrontational, and then do "damage control" with the kids later explaining that everyone has different views/does different things, but in our family we believe X/or don't act like that.