Things seem bleak..... :(

I have been doing my best to be strong throughout the pregnancy. But days like today make me feel hopeless about what the future holds. 

BD came back willing to be supportive. Its been about 6 months and I've been doing it all alone so far. I may seem ungrateful by saying this but I at least had some peace when he wasn't in my life for that time. I doubted his intentions when he came back but I would never deny a father his right to experience fatherhood. So I have tried. To say that the pain of the past is behind me is a lie. Yet, I tried to be on friendly terms with him in hopes that a terrible custody battle ahead would not need to happen.  

Yet, he goes from being friendly (simply checking in to see how things are going) to inappropriate (sending me porn that his best friends are sharing with him. In reality the photos he sent were below the neck snapshots of what I'm assuming are from one of his new conquests not porn you find on the internet) to darn right hurtful (he has repeatedly accused me of purposely getting pregnant and tells me he has no idea if this child is his). 

We have gotten together a few times (for a doctor's appointment and to talk about the child) and each time I leave hurt. I spend the rest of the night crying til I no longer produce any tears. Last time he told me he hated me and felt more hatred for me when he saw me.

Once again after meeting with him he accused me of doing this all on purpose. I stood my ground and retaliated. He didn't like it. I explained that I'm not a whore. I did not sleep around on him. I am also not destitute. I have an amazing career and I work hard. I've been educated through the hard work of my family and through my own hard work. I hold several degrees at this point and am well respected in my line of work. I do well for myself and I had no need to put myself through this misery just to have someone else support me when I have been doing this myself (and I lack nothing in life at this point). 

I originally decided to accept his offer of child support knowing that this is for the child and not myself. Yet he admitted that his family thinks I tried to trap him for his money (as if he were a millionaire. I just don't see where they think he's so filthy rich). After today's painful encounter with him I feel I cant take much more of this and yet I have a lifetime of this ahead of me.

I couldn't help but cry to my family today and in turn I hurt them all because they all got upset and cried along with me. They have seen me suffer and we all just want peace and happiness in our lives again. It seems that with BD he goes from supportive to hurtful in hours sometimes minutes. We have all agreed that we don't need his monetary support for the child. He will throw it in my face and so will his family even though I know that its for the baby and not for me. I know she'll need it in the future. So part of me wants to decline any support and simply tell him to put money in a fund for college that he can give to her when she gets older. If he wants to see her by all means he may. I also want to decline the gifts that his family has offered though this may seem rude. They had offered to help with one of the bigger items. Yet, he let it slip what exactly his family thinks and I would prefer to politely decline any big gift unless they would like to get her a little outfit or stuffed animal. Instead, I'd like to provide the child with everything I can give so that my child will never hear these accusations in the future. This is what the stronger part of me says. 

 The larger part of me right now has nothing left in me. I wish better for my child and that I would finally stop letting the tears flow. 

 Please tell me that you have all found the light at the end of this tunnel. Right now I am hopeless.